My Mother Won't Follow Instructions *Edit*

She's not being a care provider, she's being grandma. You have to decide which you want. If you want a care provider who follows instructions, spends most the time interacting with her, and limits or allows no TV, then you'll have to find someone else. If you just want a cheap way to get things done without her, let her stay and grandma's and hope you can teach her that what happens at Grandma's isn't always ok at home.

As a grandmother who took care of her grandchild while her mother worked I have a couple of suggestions. First, it is your mother's TV, her house and you've probably talked to her like you're in charge. You're not. I suggest using a different way of talking with her will make a big difference.

Second, she is doing good things for your daughter. She loves her and is giving her one on one attention. She has also successfully raised you. She'd like some acknowledgment of that fact. She is going to be more relaxed than you because this is "old hat" for her. She has experience that you don't have.

There are important things that you need to agree upon but having the TV on in the background and letting her pull out tissues are very small. Does she feed her nutritious meals and snacks? Does she spend one on one time with her reading to her, playing with her, showing her love? Those are the essentials.

You can be strict about the tissue box at your house and grandma can let her pull them out at hers. Pulling them out is a good experience for your daughter. If the tissues are that important to you then put them out of her reach at your house but don't judge what your mother lets her do at her house. The messed up tissues are also your mother's. If she's willing to clean up the mess why should you object? You are fortunate to have her to love and care for your child.

And keep in mind that she is your mother's grandchild. She is just as interested as you in what is good for your child. If you'll accept it, she can teach you much that will help you negotiate this complicate path as a mother. I suggest that you make communication about collaboration rather than you're in charge and she's to do exactly as you say and think about such things as tissues in the same way you do.

Pre-school and daycare will not do everything the way you do it either. You have to decide what is best for your daughter and let go of trying to control your mother.

I've found that there is a natural tension between mothers and daughter that comes out big time when there are grandchildren. I suggest that no matter where you decide to place your daughter that life will be much more pleasant if you work on your relationship with your mother. Both of you are adults and need to respect each other. Telling her how to treat her granddaughter feels like a role reversal. You're the mother mother telling "daughter" how to act.

Caretaking has to be a joint effort with actions negotiated between the two of you and not you telling her what she has to do or not do. Respect that she has been a parent much longer than you have and does have good ideas too.

She's not the mother, she's the grandmother. You are being controlling. Your daughter doesn't have to be controlled at every moment of her life - she's not a dog. You are going to have some serious rebelling issues if you don't lay off. I have goals for my kids and guess what - they meet them and I DO NOT CONTROL THEM.

I've already said this in another post to someone else...but two days a week is not going to undermine what you are doing. Your child will know they get special privileges with grandma AS MOST GRANDKIDS DO.

The answer is simple - get another babysitter or stop complaining about it.

Oh, and I think taking all of the tissues out of he box is a pretty kid friendly thing - it is a form of play! And how the heck is tissue hazardous? You have a skewed idea of what 'having goals' for another human being really means.

**I never understand why people post a question here then get all offended when they don't get the answer they wanted - especially when most responses are in agreement the poster is wrong. Normally a post is posted w/ the intent of learning something and maybe having to change their mind - that is the purpose of asking a question. But when the mind is already made up - what is the point of the post. So.....don't waste our time with the post in the first place!

It's so hard to find good servants nowadays.

OK, you've had your vent. You have a lot on your plate right now, and it shows. I hope that by now you've cooled down a bit. I was about to vent back several hours ago, but I cooled down, too.

It comes down to this: If the free child care you have does not satisfy you, go ahead and put your daughter in school full time and pay for it. Teachers and day care facilities will tell YOU what your daughter will and will not do during the day; they do not take instructions from mamas except in a minimal way. But the school may be fine for your daughter, and it may make you happy, too. Apparently you don't mind taking your cues from the school.

I hope that down the road, when your daughter wants to go see her Grandma, your reaction won't really be, "Absolutely not! Your grandma's a horrible, terrible woman! She ruins little children's characters by letting them take all the Kleenex out of the boxes!"

You probably don't want to hear this... but I think you are being a little uptight. She is only watching her 2 days a week, so that much TV won't rot her brain. I get that you don't want your DD to watch TV, but every set of grandparents treat the children different than their parents do. As long as you establish that Grandma's House Rules are different than Mommy's House Rules, you won't have an issue.

As for the kleenex thing... I let my DD play with stuff like that all the time. What is the harm in it? Like your mom said... it doesn't hurt the tissue, and it keeps her entertained. Plus, it's a good learning activity. ('I can pull it out... and pull it out... and pull it out. WOW! this is fun! I can pull it out... wait, the box is empty... where did it all go? Oh! Here it is! Can I put it back?' I watched my DD empty a box of tissues, and I swear this is what was running through her head. lol) The main thing here is that your DD is willing to stop when she is told.. So if she was told NOT to play with the tissues, and kept going, I could see the issue. But if she was just playing with them, and it was OK with the person watching her (in this case her grandma) then it is a nonissue.

~I just wanted to add... My dad raised 4 of us (all under the age of 6...) as a single dad. We were able to learn just fine at school, AND we were able to play at home. There is a difference between being destructive and exploring. Tissues are about as kid friendly as it gets!!! Even if she swallowed some... it pretty much breaks down into mush anyway. Still not going to hurt her... unless she eats the entire box.
The fact is that your mom is watching your kid for FREE. She is doing you a favor, not the other way around. I think you should lighten up.

Yes, you are missing something. You are getting free childcare from a person who loves your daughter and you are going to look that gift horse in the mouth over something silly like emptying a box of tissues. If the issue was that tissues are expensive and you didn't want to pay to replace them, you could probably mention that fact to your mom rather than make it about poor child rearing.

I understand where you're coming from about the TV, and I would be a little ticked off there too. But your daughter isn't going to get a "daycare" environment staying home with your mom. And I'm sure that you're mom doesn't appreciate being talked to like "the help." Perhaps you can broach the idea with compromise in mind.

If you want your child raised exactly the way you want, you need to stay home with her. If you want your child raised pretty close to what you want, find a well qualified caregiver and pay her. If you want your child with your mom, accept the fact that she feels like she's raised kids and did a good job, and know that your desires are probably going to come second. There's nothing wrong with any of the options, but know you aren't going to get your mom to change.

Good luck.

I loved my grandparents. I still miss them.
They spoiled us and we felt all of their love. We saw them at least once a week, Many times we spent the night with them at least once a month.

My grandfather gave me a pony when I was 8. He gave me my first wagon when I was 3. He gave me a blue baby chick when I was 18 months old for Easter. I bit on of the toes off of it and it grew up with blue tipped feathers for a while.

My grand mother always had a jar of the tiny dill pickles in the door of the fridge. She cooked anything we wanted. We drank coca colas and yahoos at her home. We were allowed to dig through the fridge as much as we wanted.

At our own home, my mother never allowed soda, chips, real ice cream, candy.. We could watch a little TV otherwise we had to play outside.

I think I turned out ok. I still loved my parents the most, but gosh I felt so adored by my grandparents. Their home was so special, with tons of great memories..

Whoaaaa, Mama!
When I returned to work and my mom and stepfather offered to watch my son, I felt it was in incredible blessing. If I couldn't be there, who better than my parents? Sorry you don't feel the same way.

If she's watching your child for free...she's a grandmother loving and caring for her child. If you pay her, then she's an "employee" and you *might* have a right to list specific instructions, but that's a slippery slope.

Imagine that you were caring for a child, a grandchild, loving the child and doing what YOU felt was *OK* considering this child is in YOUR home during YOUR day of life. She has a life too--work to be done, meals to be prepared, etc. She's not a childcare center. I'll bet you'd resent it if your child waltzed in and told you everything you were doing wrong--especially since you had already raised a child or children.

I think you're being over the top and rude to your mom.

I am honestly trying to see things your way. I am unable to do so. Grandma helps. Grandma is giving you relief. Grandchild is in safe hands. Happy. With a family member. Nothing wrong with any of this. Grandma is deciding what your daughter will watch. Daycare people will not care what you want. They will do whatever they feel like doing. If you try to tell them what to do, your daughter will be send home with you. I think an apology is in order: from you to grandma.

The tissue box thing is actually a developmental activity and a form of play, especially for your daughter's age. It sounds like your daughter is in good and loving hands. With the cartoon, is it a cartoon that is harmful, noneducational, is your daughter parked in front of the tv all day? It doesn't sound like it.

I really do think you should come to terms that you are nitpicking here fairly innocent things. Please stop before it consumes you and destroys your relationship with your mother and your daughter. I'm not saying that you should not ever voice concerns to her, but really, choose your battles over issues that are actually serious. I've seen good relationships destroyed over small annoyances like this before.

Calm down mama. First, I send my daughter to daycare even though my mom would watch her because she feeds her terribly. She will take her out to breakfast and then McD for lunch and lots of candy during the day. Even though I've asked her not to. So, I understand a mom not listening. BUT, my mom is endangering my daughter's health because she would do this every day if given the chance, which she had. She used to drop her off at daycare for me because it was close to her work (retired now). Every day they ate out, and she had the small healthy snack I gave her and she told daycare to also feed her breakfast. 3 meals before 830am.

Now, your mom is not hurting your daughter. Yes, the tv was on. Yes, it's irritating to have your wishes ignored. BUT, it's better to have your daughter with grandma, who loves her, than a stranger who is paid to look after her. That's not love.

My daughter has pulled the tissues out of many a box of kleenex. They learn that way. It's amazing to them to see that after they pull one out, look!! There's another!! They can be stuffed back into the back. One of my fave pics of my kid is with her sitting in the bathroom surrounded by toilet paper and investigating it. Whole roll was pulled out.

I think you need to let the small things go. She's not hurting her. She loves her. You won't get that at daycare. Would you rather have your rules followed, or your daughter loved?

Your daughter can also get socialization w/ grandma instead of daycare. There are kids at the parks, splash pads, "mommy" and me programs. She doesn't need daycare for socialization.

**And don't forget. She raised you and you came out just fine. :)

EDITED: Even after reading your edit, my opinion still stands. It's kleenex for crying out loud. It's not being destructive, it's exploring. There are different rules for everywhere we go. We learn this and pick up on it, just as a child does.

I used to get so peeved when moms with older kids would kind of roll their eyes at me when mine was a baby and I would freak about stuff. Now I get it!!

You need to relax. It doesn't matter if she is in caregiver roll. She is STILL grandma. And you better prepare yourself because daycare is not going to follow every single instruction for your daughter that you have. They have lots of other kids there too. Yours will not be the only one and some stuff, even though you are paying them and they say ok to, just will not be able to happen.

Hi F.,

When my son was little, and we would visit my Aunt (my Father's sister), I learned early on that when my son was at her house he was on vacation. That meant relaxed rules when compared to my home - sometimes donuts for breakfast, running in circles through the house, way more TV time, later bedtimes, etc. etc.

At first it drove me crazy and I felt that all my conscientious parenting was going to be ruined. I would try very hard to hold on to all my rules while at my Aunt's house and my attitude began to negatively impact our visits. My Aunt is my son's grandmother and was, and still is, very important in our lives. I came to understand that his developing a bond with her was more important that my rules. When he was at her house, she fed him well, played with him, and loved him - and that was all that mattered in the long run. He would spend weeks with her when he was toddler and he never came home "ruined" - he always slipped right back into the rules in my home and pre-school, etc.

At 14 he still loves to go over to his MawMaw's house and the rules are still relaxed and they have a loving bond that touches me to the core when I see it.

Maybe having your Mother serve as "daycare" two days a week is not the best solution for you. If you are going to being paying your Mom, just invest that money in a regular daycare facility and let your Mom just be Grandma with all the inherent chaos that sometimes ensues when Grandmothers and grandchildren develop life lasting bonds.

Good Luck and God Bless

When I was 3, my grandparents took care of me for a week so my parents could take a trip (they had won a trip to the Summer Olympics in Montreal in 1976). When they got back, it took my mom a few weeks to "deprogram" me because whenever she had to say no to something I wanted, I responded with "But Grandma let me!" (i.e. cookies before dinner, wearing lipstick and powder, etc.) Made my mom a little nutty for a while, but I did not end up with any permanent damage.

My own daughter is now 3.5 yo. 2 years ago we moved from MA back to my home state of MI to be closer to my mom and let her have more of a relationship with DD (her only grandchild). 6 months after we moved back, my mother was diagnosed with an aggressive form of leukemia. She was hospitalized for a total of 2 months to do chemotherapy but it did nothing. They also found a brain tumor. She spent the last 5 months of her life in a nursing care facility for hospice care when there was nothing more that could be done. She was bedridden and out of her mind on pain and anti-anxiety medications. She finally, mercifully, passed away this past July. Toward the end, I don't think she even knew who any of us, DD included, were any more.

I would give anything to have my mother back, and have her allow DD to rip tissues out of a box and make messes and watch cartoons on TV, if it meant they both were happy and were enjoying each other. Before she became sick, my mother had already introduced DD to Sesame Street and McDonald's hamburgers and chocolate chip cookies. DD has yet to be warped by this.

Your mother has already been the mother...let her be the grandmother now. It won't make your job as mother any harder, and your daughter will not be ruined - trust me.

You never mentioned how old the child is? Just because she may not be watching the educational shows don't mean she isn't soaking in the information. What type of school are you enrolling her in? and its tissues lol as long as she didn't rip them to shreds its all good. I wish my mom was around to spend time with my kids as yours is but mine died from cancer after my 3rd or even my MIL who i couldn't even pay her to spend time w//her grandkids. Be happy you have someone who cares enough to do all this.

I dont reallly understand the big deal. your mother is not letting your daughter do anything that can really hurt her. I mean tissues? big deal

F., please, please take a big breath, now another.....relax.

Your mother raised you....and how did you turn out?

You cannot begin to enforce your household rules everywhere your child goes. You cannot begin to recreate your household environment exactly everywhere your child spend times.

You can not jump to the conclusion that lax rules in her home will result in socially unacceptable behavior elsewhere. If anything, the exact opposite is true. The rules that are learned or not learned in group settings is what surfaces elsewhere.

Do you and your mother always have so many tedious rules to follow between the two of you? Or is this a relatively new development with the birth of your baby and the stress of a divorce?

The learning center will work out just fine. Please, so many people don't have a supportive, caring, capable mother to help us raise and love on our children. I would take a little extra TV anyday for my kids to experience a real, live grandparent.

wow really?! she wasn't hurting the tissues, she was exploring and probably loved that when she pulled they kept coming out of the box, i mean really how cool is that! And your mom is right, she reads to her, she spends time with her and if your mom likes the background noise, your daughter isn't going to be harmed glancing at the tv. Psychologically/developmentally there is a big difference between playing with the tv in the background and sitting there staring at it with drool coming out of your mouth. Your child isn't looking up and seeing something inappropriate, she's seeing something semi educational, that may catch her attention and could spark an interest in relationship to what else she is doing. "oh look Mickey is talking about circles, grandma my tea cup is a circle....."

First of all, I would not talk to her like she is 3 y.o. She is spending special
time with her grandchild. So what if things are not done according to you. Is she running out in the street? No. She raised you right. Did you turn
out bad?
If you are that unhappy put her in daycare. To me that would be very sad.
Grandparent time is special and she will miss it.

I am truly blessed. My DIL drops the boys off 3 yo and 10 months and leaves it all to me. Whatever works is fine with her.

I would want my child to have good memories with her grandma and if
playing with tissues does it, so be it. I would really rethink this.

I agree with Mary L.

You need to realize that your mom has taken care of children before and accept that she is fully capable of taking care of your daughter. Your mom is right about the TV. It IS hers and if she wishes to leave it on all day long that is her right. I think you are making mountains out of mole hills.

I think sometimes we need to remember that being a "grandma" means you get to enjoy some of the fun stuff... like emptying an entire box of kleenex. I remember meeting a lady one time who was rasing her grandchild b/c her daughter got pregnant at 17. She said it was completely different this time around b/c she got to enjoy giving the baby a bath and watching all the fun things baby did. I realized that as a mom we sometimes get to worried about rasing a child the right way and that we do need to relax at times.

Another story a neighbor told me was that her daughter at 2 years old picked up a soda and started to pour it out on the carpet. She said I had two choices.. I could get mad and get everyone all worked up over spilled soda, or I could grab the cam corder and video tape it and make a good memory out of it. She choose to make a good memory out of it.

I think I would relax a bit and let "grandma" enjoy the time with your daughter.

Good luck.

I agree that you need to relax, you are being a little "helicoptery". Grandma is not a tutor, or a preschool teacher, shes supposed to have her unique type of relationship with your daughter. This usually involves spoiling the heck out of them. It doesnt sound as if she just parks her in front of the t.v. and leaves her there with popcorn and sponge bob.

Sometimes you just have to learn that other people will take care of your child differently than you do and still do a good job. This is your MOTHER who raised YOU, correct? And presumably she did a good job, right? So she probably knows what she's doing. I mean, a box of tissues? Really? They're non-toxic. They're not suffocation hazards unless she has a habit of stuffing entire boxes of tissues down her throat at one time. I mean, really? Think about it.

As for your daughter being in your mother's home and your mother having "attitude" about the TV... I have to say that she's right. It wasn't attitude. You can't micromanage your daughter's entire day with a caregiver no matter who that caregiver is when you're not present. It's not realistic and it's not positive or healthy to expect such a thing. Not for you and not for your daughter.

When you ask for advice you are going to get it. Just because most of the advice is NOT what you wanted to hear does not make it an "attack." You are going through a very stressful time right now. It does not help you, your mother and most importantly, your child to be so rigid about the small stuff. If you are getting this upset over cartoons and playing with tissues I can't imagine how you're going to handle the serious stuff to come in the years ahead. And as so many others have said, time with grandma is always a little more lax, that's a perk for both grandma and grandchild! My kids always went straight to grandma's big jar of candy, I cringed but hey, some times you let them have something that's "bad" for them.
You're a first time single mom going through a divorce and that must be tough. But please try to relax and enjoy your child, rather than trying so hard to control every aspect of her life. I can tell you now that the teachers and school will have some rules and boundaries that you may not totally agree with. But you're daughter will do just fine. And I'm not sure what you mean about your concern about your daughter "getting off task" at school, it's PRESCHOOL!

I get that you are upset and maybe feel like your mom disrespected your wishes, but I would really re-evaluate this whole situation. I was just writing on another response about how we as parents are supposed to poo-poo our kids watching tv. Too much of anything is never a good thing. (That was a lesson my kids learned from Wow!Wow! Wubbzy as a matter of fact. LOL) so yes if our kids are doing nothing but watching tv all day then of course that is an issue. Doesn't sound like that is what is happening here. My kids have learned a TON from Dora, Diego, Team Umizoomi, Mickey Mouse, etc. I am a former elementary teacher and am not supposed to admit that my kids have watched a variety of those shows, but they have and they have large vocabularies, various science and math skills to prove it. We do a lot of other activities as well, but my point is having it on in the background or letting your daughter watch sometimes is actually more of a benefit than a hindrance in my opinion. Ask your pediatrician. They will tell you anything in moderation is the rule of thumb to go by. It sounds like your mom interacts with your daughter and they do enough other activities to off-set any tv watching going on. You didn't mention any kind of problem between their relationship so I would consider that in itself a blessing. So many kids don't seem to have that at home anymore. I know as a teacher how important it was to try to develop a meaningful relationship with the kids that didn't have a stable home life because some of them can seem quite lost. Don't give up on this arrangement at this point for your daughter's sake.
Don't worry about the kleenex, either! As someone else stated that is a child exploring her world at its finest. Beverly Cleary (famous children's author of the Ramona Quimby books) wrote a whole passage about Ramona doing this very thing! Don't be surprised if your daughter tries to squeeze out a whole tube of toothpaste too! It is so tactile and fun for them. Albeit annoying for us sometimes, but so much a part of their curiosity as children. :-)
I hope I haven't offended you, but just remember your mom was a mom once too, so she has some smarts about this parenting thing as well. Count your blessings that she is able to share this time with her grandchild and help you out financially too. Don't sweat the small stuff, sometimes it is really what we learn from most.
God Bless,
A.

You are way over reacting. If I was your mother and you wanted to micro manage how I cared for my granddaughter I would tell you to go find a different sitter. She raised you didn't she, and you seem to still be breathing.

If you want this arrangement to work, I think there has to be some give and take on both sides. It sounds like a control issue to me. Consider the fact that you BOTH want the best for your child, and work from there. Talk to mom again, loosen up a little, and give it a chance. You are lucky to have her. If her actions continue to upset you, and you find you just cannot compromise, then look elsewhere for childcare rather than destroying whatever relationship you have with her.
p.s. HAZARDOUS tissues, really? Kids like to explore, and should be given ample opportunity to do so in a safe environment. Taking tissues out of a box is really not something to get all worked up about. Pick your battles!

Hmmm... well, I only wish that I had my mom close enough to watch my kids or that my MIL was interested.... at any rate, I can understand how it could be irritating that you ask that certain things are done or not done and your Mom doesn't respect your wishes.

The communication here is weird to me." My mother won't follow instructions...and " it's my television"... it just doesn't appear that there's much mutual respect from either side.

Since you asked for opinions, I think you're somewhat out of line if this is all there is to it. It would be one thing if your mother ignored your daughter all day while she watched Cops and smoked cigarettes. The little bit of time that your daughter is watching "programs that teach" doesn't seem like it's going to do any damage.

I guess I'm just wondering what your expectation is for this grandmother/grand daughter relationship. I'd try sitting down and talking to your Mom and sincerely expressing your concerns to her instead of making an "agreement with an explanation".

I'm not sure how old your daughter is. Even if she is a toddler she will figure out that you have some rules and her father, grandparents, school, etc may have slightly different rules. If it creates friction between you and your mom then you may be better off putting your daughter in school/daycare. I do think you are overreacting about the tissues though. I have a toddler too. She did the same thing with the tissues once or twice and when corrected she learned not to do it. Toddlers are just curious about their environment and want to touch everything. Some things aren't safe to play with but I wouldn't put tissues in that category.

Moderation in everything. A time to read, a time to play to play with the cat, a time to toe the line, a time to be creative, a time to watch cartoons, a time to be disciplined. Balance is good. If I have learned anything, it is that. With you and Grandma both, she has that :)
My kids don't have their grandmas. She isn't abusing her, she is just being a grandma. And nothing she is doing is really a big deal. Enjoy your relaxed Mom and be grateful that you still have her. :)
I can almost guarantee if your daughter was going to play with the electrical outlet or write on her walls, your Mom would stop her. But playing with Kleenex, its OK, it really, really is.
My younger boy is nearly 3. This morning, he unraveled the toilet paper. I stopped him part way through, but let him get in a few pulls and heard his laughter at the funny pile of toilet paper. Later, he painted pictures with me and his older brother. I pointed out paint is for the paper, and please don't paint the walls. He looked at me like, "Why would I ever do that" and said, "No walls."
Your Mom sounds like she has the experience to know how to pick her battles with her granddaughter.

Hi there. Sounds like you weren't particularly looking for advice, but wanting someone to back you up on being upset with your mom. So maybe its not really about your child, but another mother-child relationship.

I am working on a parenting technique about teaching good choices and consequences. If we raise children only through control, then the moment they are out of our sight, they'll go crazy with freedom (like kids smoking and making out in the woods at church camp). But if they respect and want to maintain their trusting relationship with Mom, they'll hopefully make better choices.

That means you'd create a trusting relationship with your daughter. Then follow up with, "Once you take the tissue out, how will you get them all back in the box?" Interesting problem for her to resolve.

Anyway, its a theory I'm practicing, but hard to do when you're in the middle of Walmart and just want them to do what you say! : )

The world is a big place and there's lots of opportunities for learning. Hang in there!

I'm sorry and do not mean this in a bad way, but she sounds just like my mom - a grandma! She sounds like she loves your daughter and is probably just loving spending the time she has with her, whether the TV is on or not. At least when you have walked into the room it was not a talk show or something that would certainly tell you she was ignoring your daughter. Let her be a grandma and let your daughter love going to her house. My mom lives in Florida, so when my kids get to see her, I just let go and let my mom enjoy the kids, the way she wants to.

Let it go. What will you do when you are a grandmother?
Put yourself in your Mom's place. Having a toddler is fun and the little
one will quickly learn that there are different rules all over the place.
This is a good thing. Someday she will have six or seven teachers to
deal with and on . Just have fun with your little one and your Mom.
What difference does it make if she watches some cartoons and uses
a zippy cup in a different routine with your Mom and with you.?

I'm sorry about the divorce and having to do it alone. Your Mom may drive you crazy and not do things your way, but she will be there for you. I agree with the poster about letting children explore in a safe and supervised environment. I know you're going through alot right now, but try to be more flexible and understanding. Your way is, well "your way"...and you can't expect everyone caring for your daughter to be exact. It really is healthy for her to be exposed to different environments :) Also sounds like you're carrying alot on your shoulders, maybe some counseling would help you get back on track. Good luck to you!

at school they won't do things exactly as you do either, and yes, they will undersand that littles go 'off task'. a lot.
i think your mom should respect your rules, and i think she's being unreasonable about the tv. but for the most part i think you need to relax and let your daughter and your mom enjoy each other without needing manage their relationship to this degree.
khairete
S.

Ok, So I am not quite sure how old your daughter is but you are simply taking this too far. Cool to not want her to be destructive but you are trying to raise a perfect little girl and that is going to be disappointing for YOU later when she makes tons of mistakes as an adolescent. You are trying to shelter her and you will regret it later. I understand what you are asking your mother to do but she raised you and look how you turned out...(Im not quite sure if that is good or bad) Not trying to insult you, but you have got to ease up. Maybe not on the cartoons but children will be children whether you want them to be or not. If you plan on running behind your daughter cleaning up every mistake you made you may as well just take two full-time jobs because that is what it will be. Discipline and set boundaries but dont stop her from being a child you will be VERY SORRY!!!...Trust your mother, she is not going to do every like you want her to do it. So, if you feel you have to put your daughter in school rather than with her grammy then do that..but every decision comes with consequences...remember that.

Good Luck With Everything!

It sounds like you have a whole lot on your plate right now, and it is not unusual--especially for us moms--to want to micromanage everything under our control when things are crazy and hectic. In the situation you described, I don't think your mom did anything wrong. It sounded like they spent a day doing a variety of things, including some television. This is not going to impact your daughter in any way other than building a bond with a loving grandmother. The tissue box is one of those things that comes down to parenting philosophies. There are some people who allow kids to empty cabinets and play with the contents; I knew a preschool teacher who bought boxes of tissue for the express purpose of letting children pull them out and put them back in the box (believe it or not, some view it as a great coordination exercise); and I know another person who buys rolls of tape specifically for her kids to play with. Personally, I don't like to allow my kids to engage in this kind of play because I don't enjoy the aftermath. But it doesn't mean your child will become destructive or disregard rules about these sorts of things in another environment. Try to relax and trust your mom. After all, she raised you; she's seasoned and old enough to know where the most important lines are and what lessons will help your daughter be a healthy, strong person.

I would think of Grandma's as a fun house rather than a weekly place to stay.

I have learned that my own parents are going to offer my daughter junk food each and every time we visit, no matter how many times I explain the woes of GMO, conventional, and processed foods. (I only feed her organic, and I bring my own food to give her.) So I visit no more than twice a month, because that's as much toxicity as I can stand to see her ingest.

Grandparents are old dogs and do not take well to new tricks.

I am grateful for the love my parents show my daughter. That's the most important thing, and I have to remind myself of that every time they upset the "mother" in me who would like to see things done differently. (But I did put my foot down about the television being off when she is over.)

You have so much on your plate going through a divorce and looking for a job. I apologize for all the Mamas on this forum who failed to see that you need support and some cyber hugs. Blessings for you and your beautiful daughter.

I generally agree with you that Mom needs to do it your way. It is one thing for a grandmother to visit or occasionally babysit and spoil and not disicipline. It is a far different situation to be a regular caregiver. That said, if she won't follow-through, then you need to make other arrangments. You may not be able to change mom's behavior.

I don't know how old your child is, but you seem very concerned that she won't succeed in her preschoolsetting. Your tone suggests that maybe you are worried they will toss her out fi she doesn't follow directions. On tha tpoint, I think you need to relax. Assumning your daughter doesn't rage and bite and spit fire, she will do fine. Even if your mom completely ruined her - I know plenty of kids with downright horrible inconsistent parents who are little angels for their teachers. Kids learn to act as they are expected to act - for mom, for teachers, for grandma - she will do fine in school. I am not at all saying your mom is right, but you need to take a little of this stress off of yourself and your daughter. You are her parent and you will always be the amin source of her behavior. If you have clear expectations for her and it's a good preschool, no one will be able to undo your hard work.

Yeah, it's all about the priorities. My MIL is just like that - constantly doing what I ask her not to in regards to my son. I told her at 12 months old that he didn't drink much juice, and when he did it was organic only - which I would provide. She asked if she could make him the sugary canned stuff and I said NO, politely. The next morning she had it all mixed up and in his bottle.
She also came to visit recently and UNPACKED the bag of goodwill donations I had by the front door, and without me watching, put all those toys away with my sons regular toys! And then she had the nerve to criticize me getting rid of 'stuff'!

Sigh. Anyway, the point is that I decided that the things she's done, while they drive me BATTY, they aren't really harming the baby (now, the chlorox wipes on his butt and poop on his shirt = she doesn't get to change diapers anymore), so I put up with it because she plays well with him and sometimes I get a nap out of it. I give a little to get a little, it works out.

Edit - sorry, I assumed the childcare would be free. I guess it doesn't really change the fact, but yeah if you're going to pay for it.... I'd want her to follow my instructions every single day. I think extreme would be sending a minute by minute list of what you wanted them to do all day, and then expecting handwritten notes on your daughters every activity and conversation. Some of my babysitters have done that and I appreciate it, but I wouldn't ask family to do it because it seems over the top. Respecting the way you want to raise your own child isn't an extreme request in the slightest.

Also, for everyone saying "You turned out ok so she did something right" - that's simply ridiculous! We know so much better now than they did in our parents time. One example - carseats - we're now being told to keep our little ones rear facing until 2 and in boosters till 8! My mil kept her babies in the front seat in SLINGS in the 60's until they were 2ish, then they went in a plain old seat belt. Who would think that was ok today, just because they lived through it?

It is so frustrating when (our) parents won't respect our wishes as the parents. I sympathize.

That said, you need to decide what is more important - your directions or the free childcare.

In my life, it is things like feeding them healthy foods - whole grain breads, fresh fruit, etc. - but I figure I grew up just fine eating Wonder bread so what's an occassional "treat"?

We all have our battles. We just need to figure out which ones to pick.

Good luck on your decision - keep Mom or pay someone to watch the baby.
~C.

PS. My mom loves "background" noise (aka the 24 hr news channel). Maybe your mom needs the same thing so maybe you could offer up some CDs with age-appropriate music that you approve of? We constantly have the radio going in our house....

First, let me say I have not read any of the responses to your post. Forgive me if I am repeating what others have said.

I think you are being a bit controlling. It may be because you are needing stability and structure in your life because of the divorce and needing to find employment. That's completely understandable. However, regardless of what's going on in your life, you have the right and the obligation to have your child watched in the manner you see fit. If your mother and you both agreed upon certain rules and guidelines in which your daughter would be supervised, she should adhere and abide by those rules and understandings.

I do not know how much you are paying your mom to watch her, but maybe you can find someone to watch her in your home for the same amount? You can probably lock the cartoon channels from your t.v. and if you pay someone you are not related to, you can set more rules and enforce more guidelines. Just a thought. I know it's rough when you have a family member or close friend watch your kids and they do what they basically want because of the familiarity of the relationship with your child and you. But this is YOUR child, and you have her best interest in heart. Plain and simple.

So, as I see it, you have to put your fist down and make your mom understand that your rules are to be followed, or hire someone to watch your daughter. In these economic times, there are many moms and people who need a few extra dollars and would be grateful for the opportunity to watch your child in the way you want her watched.

Hope it all works out in the best possible way.

~L.

Mothers can be so stupid!! All they have to do is obey their daughter's wishes when it comes to babysitting their grandchild and all will be well with the world (and most importantly, all will be well with their relationship with their daughters)! Instead, they ignore their daughter's instructions and insist on doing things their own way, regardless of what we tell them. That is unacceptable. While your mother didn't do anything to harm your daughter, she did something to harm her relationship w/ you by not listening to you. Just put her in full time daycare once you find a full time job. Sorry about your mother.

Ok, so I don't get the problem with the tissues. That's called exploring, and if it doesn't bother your mom, I'm not sure why it should bother you. But the TV, and the fact that your mother doesn't have any intention of following your instructions... well... that would be a deal breaker for me. Sure, it's free child care, but you wouldn't let any other child care provider ignore your wishes so why let your mom? If you're already clashing about one thing, it's going to turn into multiple clashes as the weeks and months go by.

I agree that grandparents should be allowed to get away with spoiling a child a bit, but your mom isn't functioning as a grandparent when she watches your daughter two days a week. She's functioning as a care giver, and having one set of rules two days a week, another three days a week at day care, and a third set of rules at your house on the weekends will not be good for your daughter.

Time to find a full time day care or another care giver. And you know what? I respectfully disagree with the posters who said it's better to have a loving grandma who disrespects your wishes care for your child than someone who's paid to. They're just wrong. Family relationships matter, of course, but there are MANY nannies and teachers who do a wonderful job and provide a loving and supportive atmosphere. And they get paid. So what?

not going to harp one way or another, I am just going to point out that much as we choose our battles wisely with our children so should we with our parents and MIL's...the tv thing would not bug me as much as the tissue box deal would!

I agreee with you and have often shared your frustrations. Fact is grandparents won't enforce the same rules to their grandchildren as they did to their children or that their children do now that they are parents. If you aren't ok with it (I am not either so don't use them for babsitting unless it is an emergency) then you need to make other arrangements.

A response to you mother about the tv could have been "yes mom it is you tv but I asked you to help me enforce my rules for MY daughter AND you agreed. You agreed and should have followed through. If you hadn't agreed, I wouldn't have liked it but I would have been less upset. Are you willing to honor my requests or should I make other arrangements?

It's like my dad. They are stuck in their ways. You can't change what they do. When you typed that your mom said it's my tv, it reminded me of my dad. He doesn't go that far b/c some tv channels like cartoon network have raunchy cartoon commercials during the day, but stuff like chips or sometimes candy he'll get on my nerves with. If you have the money try to find a good safe childcare for her or something. The tissue doesn't matter to me, because it's her tissue and she wasn't eating it lol. The tv is worrisome because she should respect your wishes on what you want to expose your daughter to right now. Her attitude about it's my house I'll do what I want in regards to YOUR daughter is what concerns me. While of course, it is her house she should have respect for your wishes in regards to your daughter. Like a daycare, they aren't going to give your child candy or chips or watch certain cartoons if you tell them they can't. Your not missing anything, they are just stuck in their ways. Plus if they play with your kid or watch un-educational cartoons you have to reverse it not them.

I know often times there is a power struggle between mother and daughter. I know my mother and I do not come close to seeing eye to eye. My daughter is 20 now and my mother has always wanted to be mother over again since she was a newborn. It never worked because I wanted my shot at raising my children and did not need her guiding hand. I have an aunt who just basically took over and raised her grandkids. My cousin is very docile and does not care about much. I think it is passed down from generation to generation that the grandparents have unspoken knowledge above the parents. I can remember when both of my grandmothers told my parents what they were doing wrong and how to improve when raising us kids. My parents tell me all the time, "You never had to do that when you were a kid!" I think she told you about the tissue incident just to piss you off. I know my mother would!!

I think it takes a strong person to step out of their comfort zone. Not many people are comfortable with saying that they will follow your guidelines when it comes to your children...... I do appreciate that so much.

I'm sorry you are so frustrated. It seems like your mother is wanting that "loving" and "grandma" relationship with your daughter and a caregiver is what you need for the structure. It is a line that is so fine and with Grandparents, they just love..they ooze love. I remember my brother painted the stereo in the living room and my Grandmother was laughing and took a picture of it...! Story after story of what happened at Grandma's house are far different than when we had a sitter that was given direct instruction and we were told to listen...we were also reminded when the sitter told us that our parent said specifically "no".
Your mom is simply not the person to direct nor take instruction and should be left for the warm and cuddly times when you need assistance without restrictions.
As for school, my 3.5 year old goes to school for 2 half days for socialization. Her rule following is separate with her teachers than at home. They work miracles there...picking up blocks, finishing up when asked...you get the picture :) Children will listen to teachers and other role models and adults when they need to. If your child is taught manners this is where they come in. If your child is introduced to situations with you that require restraint (restaurants, adult socials where children are invited) your child will learn from you how to act around other adults.

Do not let yourself add any more stress to your plate. What works, works, what doesn't, doesn't. It's ok for no one to be labeled "wrong" it just doesn't feel right for you at this time to have mom watch her..i have found that Grandma play dates are far more fun anyway :)

good luck to you

Stick you your guns and find a different care giver, who will respect your concerns and wishes, will not sanotage you and will not confuse your daughter.

It's a give and take. If you feel your daughter is safe with your Mom I'd let some of things go. However, if you feel you cannot fend off a control battle..... then hire someone, but please be sure to let grandma see her grand baby as often as possible.

What you are doing is called "setting boundaries". The attitude your mother had with you is what bothered me the most, not the things that she let your daughter do. I think it is frustrating when someone agrees they will do one thing & then they do whatever they want to do instead. It kind of feels like you've been lied to...

No matter how much you tell her how you want to raise your daughter, she will never listen to you, because you are her daughter and she is the mother and she knows best. Unfortunately that will probably never change. My mother is the sweetest person in the world and she constantly lets my girls do things I don't want them to do. She will always be grandma and never caregiver and she will always be mother and I will always be daughter in her eyes. If you can, I would find someone else who you can pay to be caregiver and follow your rules and let grandma be grandma, (a grandma that DOESN'T get paid by the way,) for those fun visits. I always tell my kids that Grandma spoils you and just because she lets you do something when you are with her, does NOT mean it is ok to do at other times. I always tell my mom, you raised me your way and now it is time for me to raise my kids my way, I would appreciate your support and not your hinderence.

Good Luck!

I think it is your moms way of saying she doesn't want to babysit. My kids loved school-it may be better all the way around-you may be surprised.

I have had a similar experience with my inlaws watching our sons. My father in law is very controlling and let us know that at their house it is their rules. He would joke about spoiling our children and ruining them for us. We stopped sending our sons there on a regular basis because as much as I hate to admit it, he was right. Your mom has the right to do what she wants in her own house and you have the right to not let your daughter stay there. We still visit all of the time and have them babysit about once a month so they can get in a small dose of spoiling (which really is what grandparents are designed for). Yes, the cheap daycare is nice and it would be nice if your mom was more supportive, but her job of raising kids is done. As far as some of the negative remarks you have received, I think they stem from the very frusterated, stressed out tone of your post. You are going through a lot right now with a divorce, trying to find a job and trying to be the best single mom you can be. I don't know if there is anything you can do to help yourself relax and realize that things are not as big of a deal as they seems in the moment. Things will work out and you and your daughter will be fine. Also, sending her to preschool will really give her good structure as well as socialization.

Your mom's response, "it's my television" is completely absurd and irrelevant. She sounds like a toddler shrieking "MINE!" lol. And the "thing" that is hers is meaningless to what is yours in the equation, your child. So that's problem number one. Problem number two is that TV is apparently some sort of easy babysitter backup. Of course, number three is the biggest problem of all: Your mom doesn't uphold your parenting style while she's supervising your child.

On the other hand, there may be some areas where you need to change your perspective. The box of tissue, for example. No, you don't want her taking out all the tissues from every box she comes across. I get that. But your mom allowed her a sensory exploration experience using her own box of tissue. As long as she was supervised, I don't see the problem. Yes, they are everywhere, but they are easily moved. Moreover, you can teach her that some things are okay in one place, but not in another. We expect kids to learn that it's okay to yell and run around outside, but not inside, so this isn't really a foreign concept. So she can empty tissue boxes that Grandma gives her, but not any other ones she comes across. Kids are smart and can get that kind of subtlety if you teach it.

Hope this was helpful.

S. :+)

I just want to say that I completely understand where you are coming from. My mom wasn't really strict raising me, but she had rules and you had to follow them. Now she will let my son do anything and then I have to be the one to deal with tantrums when I wont let him jump on the couch, or make him wear his shoes when it's cold outside, so the she raised you and you turned out ok argument doesn't fly. I've also explained to her that grandparents that only see the child a few times a year are allowed more leeway then grandparents that see the child every week. She just doesn't get it. You are fighting a losing battle.

Hi F.,

I know you've already posted what happened, but I wanted you to know hear from another person that I think you're doing the right thing. My Mom watched our son 2 days per week when we first put him in daycare and was on the waiting list for full-time. It became apparent after awhile that it was time for him to go full-time for everyone's sake. Now, she can be the grandma that she wants to be with the occasional visit and he is so excited to see her. He has been going full-time at a daycare/preschool since he was about 20 months old and loves it - he is perfectly fine. Quite frankly, I think he's better for it. He's incredibly active and having other kids and structured play and learning is something I couldn't give him daily even if I didn't work full-time. Now, our weekends are incredibly special to us - zoo, fun farms, etc.

Best of luck!
S.

I agree with you 100%. Sometimes people will let a child do something simply because they are willing to go the effort and clean up after it is done.
It is way easy sometimes to clean up the mess than to sit and repeat the No word and then give an explanation.

As far as the TV is concern. I also see your mom's point in a way. She might of thought you were more concern about the power bill for leaving the TV on all day rather than the background noise it makes. So even though you had an agreement she may not of understand exactly why. So I wouldn't be to upset with her about that.
I wish you the best of luck.

You have every right to be upset. Even though she's the 'grandma' she should STILL follow your wishes. My mother does this to me too. I ask her specifically NOT to do this or that & she does it anyway. It's like they don't care. My advice to you is don't take your daughter there w/o you staying to visit rather than just to leave her there to be in g-ma's care. It's obvious your mom doesn't take you seriously & much less, your wishes & needs for your child. I'd try to seek out a sitter who will be experienced but will also follow your instructions & be a good 'mom' figure in your absence...aka not letting her get into things she's not supposed to get into. Hope this helps & good luck!

Hi,

I completely understand your viewpoint. I went through similar battles with family members who refused to listen to my parenting or rules. The bottom line is, she is your child. You are the parent. What you says goes- If your mom won't respect that, then its time to find someone else who will. I would enroll her in the school asap and tell your mom its not working out anymore and why---She doesn't have to like your rules or way that you are raising your child, but she does have to abide by and follow the things you agreed upon. Children need consistency and if your mom doesn't teach your daughter the way you want her too, she will be confused and it could be a big problem. in school Best of luck to you and I hope everything works out soon.

M

Yeah - I'd see if there are any programs for single Moms to help pay for childcare. There usually is and the daycare itself can help you get in contact with them.

My Mother is like that too and I had to limit her 'care giving time' to simple 1-3 hour visits.

You already have lots of suggestions so I just wanted to say that I went through this SAME scenario my mother with our first child. He was an infant at the time and when I'd ask her for the amount of times he slept and how much he ate, she thought I was questioning how she was caring for him so she gave me major attitude. Oh not to mention the rocking him to sleep for naps etc.... So I hear ya mama..good luck! It's always hard to fight with your mom because she's probably thinking and probably saying, "you came out just fine" :-)