Dealing with Extended Family

If you would be willing to allow your parents to have your baby at their house over a weekend, perhaps a little 'private time' with him might alleviate their need to see him so often.

If that is not feasible, consider this: this is YOUR baby and YOUR family. You are not responsible for your parents' feelings. Tell your parents that you are so happy that they're excited about their grandson and you are thrilled that they want to be such a big part of his life but that you and your husband feel that you need more family time with just the three of you. Assure your parents that you will send pictures often (perhaps even weekly at first) and then make good on that promise. Also, sit down with them and schedule perhaps 2 weekend visits over the next 12 weeks or 3-4 one day visits. Fall is coming up, so suggest that they come down one day to take him to the zoo or some other outdoor activity. Actually scheduling some time with the baby would set some boundaries and give them something to look forward to.

Good luck!

I think that's something that will pass. But if you can't wait that long, start making plans for the weekend so you won't be available. Try visiting your husband's family first. Make sure you tell your parents before that weekend and sound like you're excited to go, not that you don't want them to come visit. Make a habit out of not being there or being super busy on the weekends. That way they don't just show up. To hours is a long time to drive for nothing. Make sure you visit your parents too before too long. That way they don't feel rejected. After a few weekends of always being busy they'll back off or atleast call first.

Good luck! There's nothing wrong with having quality time with just your son and husband.

Susan

I know this may sound kind of mean, but start planning things to do on weekends. Maybe go visit you husband's family for the weekend. When your son gets a little older, if your parents show up, you and your husband go away for the weekend and let them watch him. If you do that enough, they'll get tired of it and will probably only want to visit every once in a while. They are invading your space, take advantage of it. Have you brought up the fact that they rarely came to visit before your son was born? If not, you may want to. You know they love their grandchild, but you need your time with your husband and baby. I'm sure your husband is at work all week and the weekend is really the only time that you 3 have together without any intrusions. I know your husband's family is upset. Of course they want to spend time with all of you too. They also know that it's not your fault or your husbands. Just make sure that you and your husband stick together. Don't EVER let anyone or anything come between you.

Good Luck!

M. B
Married, mother of 4: 17, 15, 11, &5

First of all, it needs to become clear that the parents (you and your husband) come first. I can only tell you what I have done when faced with a similar situation.
I had gotten no message saying that my parents were coming over and they showed up AGAIN in what always turned into an uncomfortable weekend because I had things that I wanted to do. I decided that the next time they showed up, I answered the door and said "OH...WOW, I didn't know you were coming.. I didn't get a message or anything. We were just headed." I actually packed a bag in front of them and put took the baby out of their hands and got him into his carseat and as they followed with that look of shock out of the front door behind me, I locked the door and told them that I'd be back late Sunday night. Now, all the while I said to them that IF I had known that they were coming with a little more notice than a day that I could have possibly changed my plans, but I have tickets to this thing and would lose my money if I didn't go.
You and your family need privacy. If you don't teach people how to treat you, they will run over you as much as they can. In order to save your relationship with your husband *who probably feels uncomfortable telling your parents to back off just a little and give you and him the room you need to have some one on one time with the child* you should step up and take your mom aside and let her know that you and your husband want to see them, love to see them, but that you and your husband are not going to have the time to see them for the next *so many* weekends.. could they come on the *whichever* weekend of every month so that you two could have that time you need with just eachother and the baby.
I'd even hang a note on the door knob saying DO NOT DISTURB!!
I've done it. I didn't answer the door because there was a sign. Common courtesy should tell them that they've overstepped and when that doesn't happen, you get to tell them.
Good luck Susan, I know it can be frustrating.
Keep your chin up and define those boundaries.

Tell them the truth. That you love them very much, but they are wearing your family out. That you don't have any alone time with just the three of you. And that you don't want to hurt their feelings but you need them to cut back to once a month or 1 1/2 months. That your son will not forget who they are in that length of time because you can prepare him and yourselves for that special visit with the grandparents. Let them know that each visit you have with them you want to be special for your son. And it won't be near as special if you keep seeing them all of the time. Also, remember this is your first chld. So your parents are still very excited. The new will evently wear off. And they will get tired of driving alll the time. So, you have 2 choices. Wait it out, because it will change. Or, be honest and let them know that you need a break. Good Luck And congratulations on the beautiful baby.

I have a similar situation with my in-laws (only I don't get along with them) we are extremely close with my parents, but they live 4 hours away.
It is a hard situation when you don't want any feelings hurt. Maybe one weekend your husband's parents can come over and the next weekend, you will just be "too tired" to have company. "maybe the next weekend" (or next!!!)
Or if you are real close with your parents, just tell them and be honest, explaining about your husband's parents and your quiet time. They should understand!!! But, some people get thier feelings hurt easily, so you might just have to be firm. They won't take it too personal, so personal that they won't come see thier grandson!!!
One of the main problems I have, is that when family is over, I never get to hold my baby!!!!!
They were right when they say that a baby changes everything!!!
Good luck to you!!!!
And congrats and god bless to your family!
B.

Dear Susan,

I can relate somewhat, as my mother has problems respecting boundaries and communicating directly. I strive to show respect to my parents, but at the same time there needs to be healthy communication, which will bring about some conflict to work through. I've found that all I can do is pray over it a lot, then have a gentle but direct conversation, and lay out what the healthy boundaries are. I get back some negativity, but that's to be expected. I wish there were a great 'solution' for you, but there's probably not an easy way through it. Cover it with prayer, be sure to encourage them with your love and respect, but be direct!

Blessings,
R.

I understand, grandparents can be sooo irritating! But, you also have to think of how much they love your little baby boy. Having so many people around you who love you is a blessing. My parents would do the same thing, they would show up unannounced and sometimes, when we werent home, they would call me angry that we werent home, like it is our job to be at their every beck and call. Anyway, what we did was make a schedule of times when we would be willing and free to visit. Like, so many days in a particular week. It has helped alot. I would not suggest that you tell them to stay away for a month, that is a heart wrenchingly long time to grandparents. Also, explain how you are tired and need alone time. Communication is VITAL. Please dont take it for granted. Hope that helps!

Perhaps scheduling things for just the three of you to do outside of the house. Going to Discovery Museum, joining the Mommy and Baby Fitness Classes, going to the Wonder Place in Breckenridge Village, Church events. Find things for them to do with you which is centered around baby. They will either fall in love with everything or ... most likely.... get too tired of such an exhausting schedule.
Just a thought.

I think you are very lucky to have both sides of parent's living, I would give anything to have my parents able to come see my new baby. I do however have my inlaws and from day 1 of our daughters birth they have been welcome to come anytime they like. The newness will wear off soon enough. Be patient with them this is like having you little all over again. I hope all goes well for you. But remember we never know how long we will have our parents and regrets with things we do can never be taken back after they are gone.

Dear Susano,

God bless you and your husband. I am so happy for you that you were able to get pregnant, and have a healthy child. Your parent/family, are probably so relieved that you finally had a child, that they are letting go of some anxiety by visiting so often. This is a touchy subject, as these are your precious parents. I know that you donot want to offend them, but you may need to get a third party, someone objective to explain what you and your husband are going through. This is a very special time that you and your husband need to be together, alone with the baby. I agree, your family does not need to come in town every weekend, and they certainly don't need to spend the night. How old are they? I can't imagine that they don't get the hints. But, something must be done, and there is nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are still tender right now, and you do need some "alone" time. I highly suggest that you get someone to go into real detail about how this is bothering and upsetting your family. Don't worry about siblings right now. Everyone should be focusing on you, the baby, and making sure that you get through this first year. You may want to try one more time, and be more stern about how you feel, if this does not work, send them my e-mail, maybe it will make them understand. I am a 42 year old mother of three. Two boys and one girl. 20, 19, and 17. They grow up so, so fast. Take the time to really enjoy these precious years.

Sincerely,

M.

My suggestion would be to call them during the week and talk about plans you and your family (husband and baby) made for that weekend, in essence telling them you'll not be home. I'd then keep that up for a few weekends and then ask them if they could maybe come over one Saturday to stay the night and watch them. By then they'll JUMP at the chance. Plan a night out for you and your hsuband (and being a father of four I know you haven't done that very much lately I'm sure). Stay out late and tell them you'd like to sleep in the next day. They'll get their baby fill for the month and as they're leaving make sure to say (as they're leaving) ... "see you guys in a few weeks".

JE

Hey Susano,
Why don't you try to set up scheduled visits with them? That way they don't take up all your family time and you will be prepared for the visits? I know I hate it when someone just drops in for an extended stay, but if I have it planned then it's no problem. Do you see where I'm coming from? It would be less stressful for you and your husband. I'd tell them that although you love to have quality family time with them, you also need to spend some family time together just you, your husband and your child. If really care about "your" family they will understand. I hope this will help you make a decision as to what to do next. Good luck.
TJ

How about you calling them on a Friday night and tell them that you are going to be out all day Saturday and that you areletting them know in case they were going to come and visit. If they say anything about you doing this often, let them know that the weekend is your time together with your husband. Unfortunately I can't relate. I love it when my parents come over. It feels wonderful to know they love their grand children and I feel more than fortunate to still have them knowing my kids will get to know their grandparents (I didn't get a chance to know my grand parents). Maybe your family wasn't very close? Either way, good luck!