Family Being Overbearing About Our Vacation & I Want to Cancel---Am I Crazy?

It seems like maybe the "grands" are over having their times booked FOR them and might like to spend time with their grandkids as THEY would like to.
I think there's a lot of control to be let go of here.
Perhaps adopting a more"roll with it" outlook might lead to a more enjoyable visit for everyone?
Have fun!

No, I do not think you are crazy. I would be tempted to cancel as well. However, I probably wouldn't, because then I know *I* would feel guilty for not having the little time I/my kids could have had with family. Not much help, I know ;)

I think it's nice that you want to visit family, and want your daughter to spend time with her grandparents.

However, a couple of things stood out:

1. You are basically booking/scheduling a vacation for your inlaws/parents. By choosing the resort, telling them which weeks to come, having them travel a couple hours away, you are arranging their schedules for them with no options.

2. You don't say how old they are, but they may be in middle age or older, and may feel more comfortable at their own homes. Leaving their homes to travel a few hours and stay at a hotel may be uncomfortable for them. And even if you pay everything for them, they may be uncomfortable with that much money being spent, with driving a couple hours (with gas being so expensive), etc.

Is there any possible way you could stay at a location much nearer to them? If they live in the middle of hundreds of miles of farmland with no hotels, then I guess the answer is no.

If your purpose is a vacation, take a vacation - go to Hawaii. If your purpose is to visit family, then go visit family. Don't just travel a little bit closer to them and set up a visitation schedule. Stay 5 days in the resort, and 5 days at the Holiday Inn Express in their area where you can have family meals, go to the park, throw a frisbee around. Your daughter will enjoy any sort of time with her grandparents, and even if it's not a huge planned activity but simply making cookies, memories will be made.

Sounds like family jsut wants to see you - but doesn't want to do it on your terms - but theirs. Sounds like you originally set it all up on your own terms - assuming that they'd be fine with that. Well apparently they're not - for whatever reason.

I'd suggest that you still go if it's a place you'd want to go anyway. Tell all the family that you'll be there for this period of time and let them respond as to when they want to be there. If they end up bumping into eachother then they have to figure out what will work for them - such as who will get a hotel room or sleep on the pull-out couch.

As for your mom wanting to take your DD back to her house and give you and your husband a mini-vacation - sounds like she had good intentions. Most young working mom would welcome this - but you don't - I never did either. My feeling was always that I didn't get to sepnd enough time with my DD anyway - so vacation time was precious time to be together. But consider letting your mom take your DD for one night so you and hubby can have a little alone time. Then you can drive to their house and spend a night there to minimize all the driving for you DD and you.

It's not awful - it just sounds like the family members that you assumed would do things the way y ou wanted it done are now assuming that you'll do things the way they want it done. Does that sound familiar?

.

"Previously our families have always been understanding." Does this translate, that it's been your way and now maybe your family would like to do something their way?

I would suggest a compromise and if that doesn't work, no one could blame you for changing plans.

I suggest that you rent a place (for the first or second week) in the hometown of the grand parents on both sides...sounds like they all live in the same area. They can plan the events of the week and maybe your daughter can "try" to spend the night at your mom's house, freeing you and your husband up to go to dinner, visit others or just have a night alone. If your daughter can't do it and crys for mommy and daddy, you will be near by and can go pick her up or spend the night there with her.

Then take a week just with the three of you and do what EVER you want to do.

Have a great vacation.

Blessings.....

I feel for you. Our relatives (one set of grands, aunts and uncles, and only cousin to our daughter) are also very distant (overseas) so we see them once a year and it's also our big family vacation time as well as family visiting time. It's a tough balance.

I disagree with posters that you were being presumptuous all these years to do the planning you did. I think what happened with this sudden rash of "I've planned a BBQ etc." is that one person did it, told the other relatives, and everyone suddenly loved the idea.

If you still want to go to this resort and not cancel, well, as someone said, the various BBQs are only a few nights out of a longer stay. It's too bad, though, because kids this age don't perform on command, and there's every chance that your child will be cranky, or turn shy, or refuse the food they've made, or run off into the house rather than be cooed over by strangers. That's the risk these adults take in showing her off like that. Unfortunately you'll be the one stressed by it as you say "Oh, I'm so sorry, she's not usually like that...." But they are courting it with their plans.

If you go, where you have to put your foot down firmly is on the overnights with grandma and grandpa. Our daughter still hasn't spent a night without one of us there and she's 10; she's just not comfortable with that yet, though she's an outgoing child. Why expect a 4-year-old to be ready? If she visited their home often and was very familiar with it, felt comfortable there, etc. that would be different. But grandma cannot just announce she is taking your child for FOUR TO SIX NIGHTS. One night, if you were close by in case of meltdown, would be OK, but you don't start a young kid on overnights with a four-day marathon and mom and dad hours away.

Grandma is clueless about what will happen the first night when your daughter wants mom NOW and wants to leave NOW and you and your husband are a couple of hours away.

I would just smile and gently tell her, "Sally hasn't spent a night away from us yet, and starting now, on a vacation where everything's new, just isnt' the right time to start. We'll be hours away if she wakes you up and says she wants to see us. It's so nice of you to want to give us this time off, and we appreciate it, but we'd really love for all of us to spend time with you." Don't fuss or fight over it, just smile and drop it and if she persists on the overnights or says "You're coddling her, you have to let her start sometime etc." just don't rise to that bait -- stay calm and say, yes, we will, but she's four. Most kids don't do sleepovers that young unless it's close to mom and dad and in a place they're very familiar with. Then switch the subject to some terrific outing you'd like them to join you for.

It may be that grandma sincerely sees it as her doing you a huge, huge favor and providing you and your husband with a big treat, for her to take your daughter for that long: She sees it as "I'm giving them a wonderful extended break! Can't they appreciate that? Aren't they grateful?" I think it would be wise, and kind, to acknowledge that and say, I know you meant well and it's such a generous offer; I'm sorry to say no; I know you meant to give us a treat and a break, etc. Let her know you understand that she really was excited about her idea. She may feel really deflated that what she thought was a terrific idea you'd just leap at was met with "No." I agree with the no, totally, but at least acknowledge with her the good intentions and be ready with lots of other things she can do with your daughter.

One last thing if you do go -- once you are there, the family members may likely come up with "Oh I thought I'd come to the resort today" or "I want you to come over here today." Be ready for that -- sudden interruptions of your plans. See if you can invite them along on some of the outings for your daughter but do stick to your plans to have some family time with just you, husband and child.

I may wind up being in the minority here but.... Here's my 2 cents worth...
#1 - My DD will be turning 5 this summer, to this day she has NEVER spent the night without one of us with the exception of when her sister was born. I personally can not relax or sleep if I can not hear or see my children safely sleeping. So I would not send my child home with anyone for several days. I would simply tell your mother that while you appreciate the offer you are just not ready to be without your child overnight. #2 - We would decline the bbq invitations by saying, I'm sorry but when we initially discussed our vacation plans with you all you all seemed to be in agreement. We've already made plans with our child during our only vacation that we are all looking forward to and did our best to include everyone in our arrangement. We're sorry that your plans have changed but ours has not. We will be at the condo from ____ thru ____ you all are more then welcome to join us in our activities. It sounds as if your FIL and MIL, and Aunt were well aware of the vacation plans but choose to make other arrangements, that's totally on them and not you. The only one I would be concerned with is your Mother whom from the sounds of it has her feelings hurt and may be thinking you do not trust her with your child. I'm sure that is not the case but you need to clarify with her. This is your family's ONLY vacation and you all would like to be together as a family to enjoy it. It is not a lack or love/trust in her, it's about spending quality time as a family. Good Luck and God Bless!

Welcome to living away from your extended family. All of our vacations are like this. I don' think having your daughter stay with her grandparents is a big deal - heck - we left our 2 year old with his grandparents for a week when we took our second honeymoon - and I would LOVE the private time with my spouse.

That said - this is your trip - but it's centered around your family - which means it is NOT a vacation. Sorry to break that to you - it was a very hard lesson for us to learn - and we've come to see visiting family as just that - visiting family - and we plan real VACATIONS seperate and for us only.

Good luck...

First of all, I'm totally a "planner" so I see your frustration.

Why don't you try to see this from their perspective as well? They probably think that you're being a little overbearing: "this is where we're going, this is when we want you to come, this is how we want you to spend time with our daughter, etc etc." Their idea of a "good time" might not be your idea of a good time, and vice versa.

I think that you should go and make the best of it. Maybe you could split the difference with your mother and let your daughter stay with her for a couple of nights. Frankly, I think that would be the best of both worlds - a relaxing vacation for you and your husband, and some quality time with her grandparents. My guess is that your mother was hurt that you rejected her lovely offer, and she probably wants a little time to spoil her granddaughter. My guess is that your daughter would do totally fine - both of my kids adore having one on one time with my mother - they can't wait til I leave!

I know that schlepping around to the BBQs isn't fun. I can't stand that kind of thing on a family trip either. But remember, it's three nights out of a 10 day vacation. That gives you lots and lots of time to do other fun stuff. And I think that if you sell it right, your daughter could have a lot of fun there too.

Anyway, I really do get that this isn't exactly the vacation that you had originally envisioned, but I think that it could still be a great time. Some visiting with family, some kid-centered activities, some one-on-one time with your husband. Honestly, if you can get over your initial expectations, it sounds like the ideal vacation.

Ohh. I am feeling stressed out just by reading your post and I am not even going through this!
sounds like this year is going to be different from previous years, regardless. I would do what you can to take back control of the situation and also incorporate some of the plans other family thought up for you. some time with the Grands is better than none:)
I would sit down and look at your vacation days. Then type out a schedule and email it or call and go over it with the different folks involved AND if some of the events or sleep overs get nixed - that is your choice.
Probably call each and say, "This is a very busy vacation and our focus on vacation is to relax as a family and just spend time with one another. There are a lot of things going on and the only way I could make it work for us and others is coming up with this schedule so here you go." then give it to them.
Protesting may occur, but just stick to your guns because it is your vaca and I know when I don't see my kiddos on vacation, it feels like I am working. We use our vaca like you, to play with and connect with our kiddos.
Good luck!

Go do what you want! If you feel better making a different plan and can change things to suit your needs, go for it. I'm not sure your family has an obligation to work with your schedule-- they have before, but it doesn't seem like they're on board this year. So do what works best for you and your daughter, and catch up with them another time. It's just one year....:) Go have fun with your family, and don't worry about the grandparents; they didn't have the flexibility this year, so let it go, and do it gracefully. Maybe another plan will work better for next year.

Hi,

Wow, I am feeling stressed just reading your post! Cancel your trip and pick times that work for you to visit the Grands. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But don't stress over it. Vacation is supposed to be fun and carefree--not stressful! Do whatever it takes to make it fun for you and your family---tell your family where THEY can fit in--not the other way around. GL!

M

Okay well I have mixed emotions on this one. On one hand I can see how you would be upset by them telling you how to plan "your" vacation. However I also could see from their point of view that you are demanding their time specifically as well. They are "trying" to accomodate when you and your family will be visiting but you take it on as being "demanding". You have to step back and put yourself in their shoes. They have a life outside of yours and they have certain hobbies and activities they would like to do as well without it being an issue of when you come to visit. All I am saying is your plan for vacation might not be such a great time for everyone-but in the same sense remember that you cannot accomodate everyone and make everyone happy either. Be grateful that they are trying their best to accomodate to "your" vacation. To me you are being a little childish to think everyone is just supposed to drop what they are doing and accomodate you and your family while there. I'm so sorry if that sounded harsh but like I said alot of times when we feel irritated by something if you take a step back and really put yourself in someone elses shoes then you might just see where they are coming from. It sounds to me like everyone is being shoved into something when they just don't really have the room to shove it in there. Do you think if maybe you re-scheduled for another time it wouldn't be this hectic for everyone? It's all about compromise on both parts but both needs to understand what the other needs and wants and lastly be willing to "compromise". ... Don't let this become something that causes ill feelings.
Personally if it were me I would not have opened up the window I would have set the tone "Hey we are going to here on such and such date through such and such date and if you guys would like to come and visit us we would love to see you. Don't make them feel obligated to come and see you and the vice versa wouldn't be for you and yours and if it did come up I would simply say "we are here on vacation not to bounce around from place to place that is why we made plans to stay here at the resort so that everyone would be comfortable and stop in as they please. If they don't understand that then so be it but it sounds like they are feeling obligated to come and see you or spend time with the DD when they have other plans in tow too....or maybe they are just being stubborn-lol! Lord knows my family is the world's best at that one! No matter what you decide to do remember that no one else can dictate what you are going to do on your time off.....no one ever has a good vacation if everything is dictated and scheduled out.....pointless for a vacation in my opinion. If your family really doesn't want to compromise then I would cancel all plans and schedule somewhere else to go that week far far away from them-lol!

Wow you put alot of conditions on people. Apparently they didn't "love" it like you thought. I think a 4 1/2 year old should be able to spend the night at their grandparents house. However, you are the parents not me. If you aren't comfortable with that then just explain, as you have, that while you appreciate their offer, you have already made plans and that you are sorry that they won't be able to come to the condo as arranged.

I would go and let everyone know where you are. If they want to see you then they can come to the resort if not you and your family will enjoy some down time. Aren't families wonderful?!

Honey, your family isn't being overbearing. They're simply stating their wishes... which is that driving several hours to spend a few nights in a hotel with your family isn't their idea of fun. It's great that everyone had a good time the last few years, but obviously the grands want to do something different this year. It sounds like many of them went to some trouble to think up alternative options that would still allow you and your husband to have a vacation while they'd get to spend time with your daughter at the same time.

It's totally your choice whether you allow your daughter to spend a few nights at her grandparents house... but if you don't... please recognize that your reason sounds like it has more to do with you and what you want/need than what your daughter is capable of. At 4.5 most children are ready to spend a night or two away from their parents if they're staying with other close family members. And your daughter might have a blast being the center of attention for a few days, or at a BBQ thrown in her honor by her auntie. That doesn't mean that you need to agree to any of this, but please don't pretend that your problems with the various changes of plans are all about your daughter. My girls are the same age as yours and they have a fantastic time when we visit my mom, even though there aren't any resort-type kid activities. It sounds like your frustration is much more because your family isn't just jumping in line with YOUR wishes.

It's hard to hear that the plans you're excited about don't work for other people. And yes, it would have been nice if they told you before you made those plans. But it's also very possible that they didn't want to hurt your feelings and just finally found the courage to tell you that *your* plans don't work for them.

You can either compromise and spend part of the time on your family vacation several hours from them and part of the time at their houses, or you can cancel. It seems to me you gain more from option #1, because then you get a vacation AND see your family in their environment. The only thing you can't do is force other people to do things your way... which stinks, huh?

HOLY SMOKES BATMAN!!! I'm just feeling stressed - this is soo not good. No, you are NOT crazy!!!

ME? I would cancel the vacation and go elsewhere. if you have the cut-off to get your deposit back - do it. This is NOT a vacation - this would be HELL.

Let everyone know that due to all the changes - you will be changing your plans as well....

I would reiterate to all of them that this is YOUR family vacation and you are trying to also accommodate visiting them. If they cannot work with the guidelines/schedule that works for YOUR family then you will accept their regrets and see them another time, but all this planning your family's time behind the scenes has got to stop. YOU determine where YOUR family will be, not everyone else.

I might also say, "Look, this worked in the past, but this is not working now. I don't know why the expectation is different this year, but if you want other accommodations (like having the grandkids at their home overnight) that has to be arranged THROUGH THE PARENTS first, and may have to be another time. This is our vacation and break from work and all these extra plans are not working. You mean well, but it's just causing stress. Please stop."

If it doesn't stop, plan your trip somewhere else. I'm all for seeing family but there are times when you just can't please them all and if they can't get the hint, then maybe you need to move the show. If the previous arrangement doesn't work for them, then they need to discuss it with you, not dictate plans.

I am guessing this is the only or first grandchild? You are probably used to a fuss being made over DD...I am wondering if they are more used to the idea of her now-like the novelty is worn off. Because I can tell you I remember when my nephew was born the grandparents would do anything to have visits. Now-10 grandkids later-not so much. They have lots going on themselves and their worlds stopped revolving around the grandchildren. I don't think you should lte your vacation fun be determined by all of these people. You guys will still have a good time as a family-even if you don't have them there all the time.
One other possibility-do you think they are all mad because you won't let your daughter stay with them and they are snubbing you?

i haven't read all the responses, but i'm a firm believer in that you teach people how to treat you and boundaries are your friend :) i'd be exceptionally annoyed in your shoes. it sounds like you're already travelling in their direction for your only vacation this year, but they want to control what/when/how you do it. i think you're being very generous by inviting others to be with you for basically your entire trip! personally, i like some time with just my family(husband and kids) during a trip, at least part of it... this is what i'd do: i'd let everyone know that the point of your trip was for your family to relax, spend some time together, and NOT spend the entire time on the road to here/there/everywhere. you are sorry to disappoint everyone that had different ideas for your trip, but as originally planned, you will be at X location from dates XX-XX, and they are welcome to visit on dates XX-XX. you'd love to see them as previously planned, but understand if they have other commitments to tend to, as you hope they understand your plans for that time period as well. i wouldn't even entertain any guilt trip tinged conversations - you handle your family, have your husband handle his - hopefully the boundary will be set and this won't be an issue again. good luck!

I think you should just stick to your original plan. If they can't come to you...sorry, it's your vacation. No biggie. I would just say, thanks for thinking that will work, but it doesn't work for us...maybe next time. Don't cancel your vacation, don't make other plans that THEY want to do...if they can't make it then its more time and fun for you! Good luck!!!!

You are planning a 10 day trip across country and yet your extended family members are being SELFISH, yes I said it. Go on your vacation and whoever shows up great and the others it will be on their conscience not yours. You have a big heart and pleasing family members can be draining so do what you want to do with your family and Enjoy the time you will be spending together. Life is too short worrying about everyone else do you think they are losing sleep over this, NOT so why should you.

I would take a deep breath, plot out your original plans, plot out the "suggested" plans, see where they overlap, and then do what works best for YOUR family. You're the ones that are traveling the farthest to do stuff. Let whoever know that you will do your best to be there, but you guys are there to let them see their grandbaby. You can only be in so many places at one time, and you're going to be tired from traveling. Hope it works out!

If you are spending money on a vacation and this is your only trip, then I would absolutely do what you want to do. Especially because you asked the grandparents before hand if it would work. I completely understand not wanting to put your child through "visiting" situations, especially more than one. I would say that if the plans you have already made allow you to make it to one or more of the events, then go, but if you have to rearrange your schedule, then you just let them know that you won't be able to make it. It is NOT, ABSOLUTELY NOT ok for any of the grandparents to decide to take your daughter for that long. She is your child and you want to enjoy your vacation with her. I kind of think they are all being extremely rude. Good luck with all of it.

Haven't read all your responses yet. If I were you, I'd say (without any hostility in my voice) - we've decided to make other plans for our vacation this year. Then I'd cancel the condo and take a lovely vacation in a place that's no where near any family. My opinion - vacations and family don't mix - especially if this is the only vacation time you have together with YOUR immediate family.

I completely second Theresa B.! Very rude and inconciderate of them!

Wow. It sounds like some of them are ticked off because they weren't in control of the situation. That is nice that they offered to take your child and let you two have time together but I would try it for just a night to see if your daughter would like it. She might surprise you. It sounds like the grandparents want to stay at their homes. You wen through a lot of trouble to arrange everything and they are raining on your parade. Did they know you were going to do the trip and when you were going to be there before you reserved it? My hubby and I reserved a cabin and my kids don't want to go because there's another event going on that weekend that we didn't know about. It's disappointing I know. Either just go and have fun without them or go somewhere better.

Maybe you need to not rent a condo and make plans for all those other people to do things on your schedule. Let them know when you will be in town and go see them a day or so or whatever and have your vacation. I don't think there is anything at all wrong with letting your little one spend a few nights at the grandparents. I do think its crazy to make a bunch of kid plans and expect a lot of older people to be "oh so happy to come watch little suzy fingerpaint etc" If you want a vacation with your family then go do disney world and see the grands when they come to visit you.

It sounds like since in the past you've divided up special time for your daughter with each set of grandparents, the grandparents have come to expect that they will each be given "their time" They're not looking at this trip as your vacation, they are excited about having their time with your daughter and want to take advantage of that window you are in town to make plans of their own with her. Maybe in the past, they felt a little "scheduled" or directed by you. And not that I blame you for that, what else can you do if everyone lives away, and you want to give each some quality time? I think they're all just not really seeing the big picture here. I have to say I would be REALLY mad if someone TOLD me during my travel time out of town what day and time we HAD to be someplace, like a BBQ. It's basic manners to ASK and to INVITE not to just say, here you go, you have to be here. I would probably cancel the trip if were me and just tell the relatives, you are sorry, but juggling everyone on their own terms and the needs of your family and small child was all too stressful. I'd book a quiet vacation for just my own family this year, and tell them they're welcome to come visit you at your home this year instead.

I think you're being a bit pushy. You're used to being in control and it sounds like "the grands" decided together that your plan wasn't really workable. Frankly, if I were on the receiving end of your plans I would feel excessively inconvenienced. If you're going to visit family then VISIT FAMILY. You don't make them come to you on your vacation. Or you meet in the middle somewhere where it makes sense.

As for your child spending a night or two with a grandparent... I WISH my children's grandparents would make offers like that and we live within 20-30 minutes of all grandparents. None of them has ever offered except when I was delivering a baby. Presumably your parents can all handle your children since they raised you and your husband. Your child won't fall apart without you because she'll be in the loving care of family. And you'll have a night during your vacation where you can be alone with your husband and do whatever you want. Our jobs as parents aren't to control every literal minute of our children's lives nor our own.

So try to look at this from their point of view and see if you can move your lodgings closer and be a bit more flexible. Being so rigid means you're locking yourself into uncompromising position and no one will be likely to WANT to work with you on anything, even if things change and you lighten up down the road.