Dealing with Drama.

If you will email me privately, I can find out if you are seeking to recover custody or just concerned about the transition of the kids coming home. I am an attorney and might know who to refer you to.
B.

hi T.,
let me first start off by saying i am in almost the same position u r in.. the diff is that my ex got my son and he and his new wife have refused me visitaion from day one...they swear they do not stop me that it is me that stops it.. however i was given a phone number to call my son by his dad and when i did call his wifes mother said they did not live there.. see i live in sc and they live in wv.. he has even tried to get the amount i pay for child support raised knowing i have 4 kids that live with me that i am taking care of...i pay him 400 a month when he and his wife both work full time jobs and refuse to let me have a thing to do with my son.. i have gone back to the courts and all they keep tellin me is there is not a thing i or they can do...the way i see it child support and visitation should go hand in hand but in our gr8 country they do not.. the parent with the kids or whoever can screw u and there isn't a thing u can do ...what i am trying to say is some judges don't care what the mother feels or does when it comes to gettin ur kids back even when u have other kids that u take care of ... i hope in ur case i hope things do work out but i for me they do not .. just don't get too worked up over it bec it could take time ....

Hey T. girl i know what you are going through when i got divorced i had to fight tooth and nail to keep custody of my son who was 6 months at the time. If you want to email me at ____@____.com and let me know your situtation i might be able to help you my son had a hard time adjusting to visitation and i had my ups and downs but i just had to be there for him and talk to him i even taught him sign language so he could tell me if he was being mistreated because he could not talk at the time and i had suspected that he was being hurt with his dad but could not prove it. I also said a lot of prayers that things would go my way and i prayed every weekend that my baby would return to me safely. about a year ago i had to get supervise visitation because i finally could prove that he was doing drugs and that was the longest few weeks of my life but i will tell you you need to get a good custody lawyor if you have family lean on them and just be there for you kids my son has bounced back from all that he has been through and mostly it is because now he does not see his dad but alot of the drama was because of what was happing to him on the weekend and girl i can tell you some drama i went through but keep your head up say some prayers things will work out ask god to help you and he will he helped me in ways i never could imagine and i am not the most religous person in the world if you want i can give you my numher if you need someone to talk to just let me know

Just love your babies. Hug them, kiss them, read to them, sing to them. Spend lots of quality time with them. Don't shut anyone out. They are lucky to have so many people who care about them, and it will be good for them if you allow them to continue be a part of your lives. Try to be understanding of them. It sounds like they have been through alot, as you have.

Hi T.,
How did his parents get temporary custody?? When you left with the children, did the father know that you were leaving?

This I can imagine is really hard for the boys because they are so young. I can not understand why any court would take these boys from their mother. You are such an intricate part of their lives. You mentioned that you split because you were wondering where all the money was going? Was he doing something illegal?

YOu say WE finally get to go back to court. Are you and the father trying to regain custody of the children?

As for the children coming back, shower them with love. They are young (GOOD THING) as they will not have to remember this portion of their lives. Whatever happened to make them be seperated from you, just ensure them that you will never leave them again. Were you able to see them during this period of time that they have been with his family?

Just as you took care of them before this ordeal transpired, you will do the same. If your family is around, ask them to help while you work, or find friends that could assist as well.

I also went through drama with my now ex husbands parents having temporary custody of my oldest son (he is now 12). It was hard for me at first when my son came back home but he was gone much longer than yours. You just have to take one day at a time with them. They may be alittle confused(at least my son was). You may want to seek advice from a counselor if it becomes too overwhelming for you. I hope this helps. Please write me back if you would like to talk about anything.

Hi! T. Sorry to hear abuot all that you are going thru! I can relate to some of your problems your going thru,because i am going thru a divorce right now too! And we have a 14yr old son together that we can't agree on who will get custody of him. Might I add, we have been together off&on for 17yrs,but have only been married for 5 1/2 yrs. And we have been seperated 2 yrs out of the 5 1/2 yrs. I kept my home for as long as i could after we seperated,and then lost it. So that left me and my daughter and my son having to move in with my mother and stepfather. About 6 mths after moving in with my mother we found out that my mother was diagnose with lung cancer. She pass away almost 8 wks later. Thats a pain I wish know one had to go thru! Anyway! Maybe we both can help each other thru this difficult time. It would be nice to have someone to talk to besides your family,or someone who is close to the sitution. So! please feel free to e-mail me if you would like, and maybe then we can share more of our heartfelt situtions.

Sincerely,
L. E.

My Uncle is a Doctor, a former pediatrician and his father is a doctor of child psychology and behavior science PHD; when I was concidering leaving my baby to go on vacation, he explained to me that young children instinctively know that they need a mother and father, and search for those figures every day. He said that a child under 36 months old will alter his perception of who his mother and father are if he is away from them for more than 12 hours. After that has happened once, their perception of their world changes and they assume that parents can be temporary, and he'll look for new parents. (It's an instinctive survival mechanism emplanted in their brains.) That insecure thought will enter into their subconcious--before 36 months is when the subconcious forms--and it is nearly impossible to rid them of it. Your children think that their grandparents are their parents now, but they remain insecure because they've learned that parents can dissappear. Once they have been given back to you, as they should be, it will reassure them that they are right, that parents do indeed come and go, and are not permanent. They NEVER should have been taken from you so young. If they knew that even one parent was permanent it would be easier. Now that you understand what is going on in the childrens' heads, you can probably see what you need to do. You may want to move gradually, letting the kids spend the night at their grandparents' for awhile, but spending days with you, and then start with just a few days a week. Don't forget, that even though they know that you're called mom, their guardians, in their perception, are their parents'. If you look at it from their point of view, and proceed gently, the event may not be as traumatic as it could be. As soon as you've made the transition to your home, spend all the time with them you possibly can. Take two weeks off of work if you can, let them sleep with you, do everything you can to reassure them that you are not going anywhere. They will likely be angry and distant. Shower them with kisses anyway. I advise lots of prayer and soul searching, and talk to them all the time and explain as best you can that you are going to be their mom forever, and you are never going to leave them again. God bless you, we'll pray for you and your family.

P.S. My mother let her mother take care of her newborn baby for two weeks because her mother was visiting and would not be visiting again for a long time. The baby was bottle-fed, so the grandmother took care of every need the baby had. After she left, the baby could not be comforted until a neighbor who looked and was built similarly to grandma held the baby. Sadly, now that that baby, (my sister) is grown, she still does not feel bonded to her mother. She has two children, and tries to be affectionate, but the desire doesn't come naturally. Her babies spend hours by themselves. Just another example of how, even though your kids may not remember what has happened, that doesn't mean it will not affect them the rest of their lives. On the positive end, if you know that, you can make the best of it from here on out using their perceptions as your guide. i.e. If they believe parents are temporary, you can be their most consistant temporary parent. You can be sure to tell them when you'll be back every time you leave. They may not understand, especially the 2-yr-old, but they'll know that you will come back before the day is through. Most of all, don't leave them for longer than 12 hours until they are all 36 months.

Dear T.:

I'm a paralegal and I deal with juvenile cases often. Regardless of the reason his parents were granted temporary custody you have not lost your children. After 17 months you know how easily it is for court to be continued, so hang in there. Hopefully you were granted some type of visitation during this period and that will make the transition easier for everyone. Thankfully your children are very young and will make the transition better than pre-teens and teenagers. If they seem to hold back somewhat try not to get discouraged. Work with them at their pace and this isn't always easy. Remember, they know when you're upset even if they don't understand why. Take it one day at a time and get them into your routine. It is common for young children to cling to one another, especially your twins. (My twins are 19 years old and during hard times they pull together, sometimes leaving us on the outside. It doesn't change their love for anyone else, it's just their special way of getting through to the other side.) Play games with them, read to them, and give lots of hugs. You'll do great, be encouraged!

Hi! Tracy o,

My name is K.. Right now you have a lot to deal with and I totally understand. I've never been married, but I've been with my kid's father for 13 years, it seems like a marriage. We have 2 boys and 2 girls. It's going to be hard trying to adjust with the kids, but babygirl your just gonna have to pray, stay positive and focus. Take one day at a time. Don't try think or do everything in one day because you will break down.