in a nut shell, my sister (and nephew) accidentally booked her flight to visit us at the same time our parents are visiting. We knew it would be a back to back visit, but decided not to combine the visit for a few reasons. One being that my parents have barely seen our third born child who is now 8 mo. old. The other being we don't have the transportation without renting cars. We looked into paying the penalty on changing her flight, but its $500 and there is also the issue of her work schedule. My sister has no money and we do okay. I offered to pay for all food and entertainment while they come visit. I simply cannot put that on her even though she messed up. I don't mind the house full of people, putting people on floors, setting up tents to accommodate everyone. But I don't like sharing grandparent time. we live out of state and my sisters see my parents all the time. I know there is nothing to be done. I have to be gracious and make the best of this. I'm trying to adjust, but I"m pissed. What do you do when you know you need to forgive and be flexible but inside you are disappointed as heck. Any tricks to change my feelings? I need to let go of my disappointment and struggling to do so.
She actually overlapped 4 weekdays. I still get one weekend with parents and one weekend with her bookending the visits. Thanks for the strategizing on scheduling though. But its really just my feelings I"m contending with. I love family togetherness and I value focus time. But being that we cannot have it all since I live so far away, I choose to foster the focus time.
I have no doubt we will all have fun. That is not the issue. I just covet my kids' grandparent time because i want them to bond and make memories. ( I also covet time they can spend with auntie and cousins). I don't see any resolutions of chalking this up the a few days of my life that are messed up. This is not about surviving a few hectic days with a house full of visitors. This is about the rarity of time my kids get with their grandparents and how highly I guard and cherish that time. So again, it comes down to managing disappointment.
My parents and my 2 siblings are dead, no neices no nephews. No family time.
Enjoy them while you can.
I guess it's all about your expectations. My kids have pretty much never had one on one time with their grandparents. There has always been family around, sometimes a small group, sometimes a massive one. It never interfered with their "bonding" in any way, on the contrary those are some of our favorite memories. My son especially loved helping grandpa (a former chef) in the kitchen, serving up an average of anywhere from 15 to 40 plus people at a time.
I don't think your kids need your parents' undivided attention to feel loved and special.
Change your expectations and you won't feel so disappointed.
How old are you? Divide that into weeks. Take how many weeks they will be visiting and divide by how old you are in weeks. So like you are 35 years old so 1820 weeks give or take 52 weeks. They will be there two weeks. That means they have messed up your plans .001% of your life and get over it.
That is what I do.
Life is too short to let something like this ruin a week or two.
Oh, four weekdays, .0003% of your life.
If you want to change your feelings then change your thoughts.
I agree with Mamazita, disappointment is a result of expectations. Expectations are the road to hell. If you want to release disappointment you have to release the expectations. You have certain "shoulds" about family interactions: "the grandchildren should have one-on-one time in order to bond," "my sister shouldn't mess things up," "I should guard my children's time with other people." These shoulds are what is creating your disappointment.
Focus instead on "what is" and making the most of that. As you simply release what you wanted it to look like and go with what is, you are then free to make choices about spending the best time with your family. As long as you cling to how it should be, you will feel really lousy and miss out on connecting with and enjoying the time that you do have with your family.
You are also teaching your children how to have expectations and be disappointed as you cling to one particular vision of the world. Instead, you can teach them to be flexible and open and how to accept what is and use what is for your benefit instead of working against it.
I would also suspect that there are deeper issues at play here. What are the deeper fears that are driving your "I don't like to share grandparent time." What do you feel will happen if your children don't have enough one-on-one time? How is this connected to you and something that you feel you missed out on or how it will reflect on you, etc? What is really driving your expectation? What is behind the idea that if they don't have one-on-one time that they won't "bond and make memories"? Where did you miss out on bonding and making memories?
Questioning our thoughts is the most powerful way to transform our feelings.
Hi Jane, my take on this is this is going to be one of those almost never happens in your family events. The kinda thing ya'll will be talking about for generations. "Remember that time when...."
So whether you all laugh and remember it fondly together, or you use it as the reason no one speaks to each other anymore. Which side of the fence it falls on depends on everyone's attitude. Especially yours, since it's your house.
So if you want it to be an epic happy memorable family event, try to stop thinking of your own "disappointment" and start thinking of how lucky you are to have all this family, alive and well, happy and visiting, and you're at the helm.
Enjoy it!
:)
I feel your pain, my parents are a long way away with prohibitive plane tickets too. You're being a very good sport despite your frustration!! Honestly the 8 month old will not remember regardless. My 3rd is 4 and remembers none of her visits with my parents before she was 2. Just have fun and make sure it doesn't happen next visit!!
You talked a lot about your sister changing her flights, and why she can't - work, etc. But what about your parents? Have you asked them to move their trip?
Otherwise, plan things to make sure everyone has one-on-one opportunities. Everyone doesn't fit in the car at one time, so you have a perfect excuse. One night is Grandparents-grandkids night (also known as sisters' night out) so grandparents get time with the kids without parents. Another day is just for your family and grandparents at home, and you recommend something for sis and nephew to do (eg, science center, something else he would like). Maybe you could even ask your sister to babysit all the kids one night, and give you a chance to be an adult with your parents at a nice dinner - wouldn't that be nice?
I think if you plan a few opportunities for one-on-one time in advance, you won't feel the resentment over the rest of the 'together' time that you will all have.
You're going to have to fill up that hole inside that misses grandparent time over the time they have with you before she gets there. Then try to compromise. Why not let the grandparents babysit a bunch while you and sister to do something.
If it's grandparent time you want and not mom and dad time anyway. If it's mom and dad time you miss too then have sis manage the whole shebang and take mom and dad to lunch then somewhere they'd really like. Maybe a museum, car show, etc....
Everything happens for a reason. You may not know the reason but there is one. This is obviously a test of character and this may actually be the reason.
I think it's good that you're aware and alert to this. I know it's disappointing. Pray about it, ponder it and after you give it some time in attention and focus let it go and see what makes it's way back round for you. An answer may come to you about your feelings, struggle and disappoint and how to approach it.
I'd also focus on what would be a good little mantra for you to repeat over the time of waiting for their arrival and for when they're there. Something will come if you let it that will put it all in perspective for you and that will get you through the anger especially when your sis is there.
You feel like this is time for you and your's and it's being taken from you. But perhaps this is a time to just see the togetherness of it all.
Just think if your sister were suddenly taken, it'd put a whole new spin on your thoughts and feelings.
Give yourself some space and time and just enjoy yourself and family and baby.
Have a good one.
Jane, the best way to deal with disappointment is to acknowledge that it's not living up to your expectations, and then look for things that make the situation better.
You can choose to take a 'glass half full' perspective and can decide that you will be content with the situation, because it will still be good.
My own folks rarely see us. My son is the one who definitely gets the least attention from them, mainly because we live pretty much across the state from them. No blaming here... it just works out that my other nephews get more time and are closer because they are in the same city.
So, of course, my son's time with my folks means a lot to me. And he usually gets that during the family camping trip in the summertime. That's Kiddo PLUS his four boy cousins. So, instead of lamenting that my son has to share his grandparents, I try to focus on the fact that his cousins are sweet, he's making good memories with them and with us as a family. How much time my folks are able to give Kiddo doesn't diminish who *he* is, because people just do what they can. I also recently stayed back home during a trip my son and husband took to Florida to visit family out there. While I missed the guys, it was so great. My husband's sister visited at the same time and they had a truly great time, being that nuclear family unit again. It was also wonderful to hear from my sister-in-law how much she enjoyed spending time with Kiddo. It made me feel good they were forging a relationship at an age when he can better remember her.
I hope you find a way to turn this around for yourself and enjoy it. It sounds like your sister took real pains to make sure to get the time off to come and visit. Enjoy her being an auntie to your girls and that they will get time with their cousin. That's a win for everyone.
Without going into the specific boring details of my family dynamics (which are great for the most part), I know *exactly* how you feel. E.X.A.C.T.L.Y. You're right, there's nothing you can do, except to get over it and try to enjoy the overlapping days (which you know will be fun, but just different from what you originally wanted).
How often do you all get to be together? There is value in having your kids see their cousin AND their grands at the same time. This might not be optimal for you, but it's still a very good thing. In fact, this could be a "best of both worlds" situation: you get your parents for a weekend, 4 days with both, then your sis for a weekend. All in one trip. It'll be good.
Amen Rev. Ruby.
When I do become a grandparent, my grandchild will only know his great grandparents by photos.
I would love to have had a houseful of sibling and grandparent love all under the same roof.
Let to go!
I would say look for a few things that she and her kids can do without you so you can spend time with your parents. See if there is something around town, a movie, a museum, etc. and let her use your car while you chill with your folks and baby. Maybe she can even take your other kid(s) with her. Maybe plan a big day that the grandparents can be a part of so that all the kids get to spend time with them.
I get that your annoyed, I don't blame you. Hopefully the visit is s till a few weeks away so you'll have time to get over it and get geared up for a crazy house full of people!
aw, i'm sorry. i'd be bumming about it too.
i guess the best thing to do is to try and avoid buying trouble. it's bound to be hectic, but it's also very possible that it will be a good sort of hectic, with lots of laughter and fun, and memories created.
you're a good egg. i hope it's not too stressful, and that you get enough quiet time to enjoy your parents.
khairete
S.
I let myself feel sad, but then I try to look for the positive. It's OK to feel hurt by this. I think it's easier to overcome disappointment by not beating yourself up over your feelings. Own them, they are yours, and thus can never be wrong :-)
But then focus on making it a fabulous visit for everyone. Life is too short to not have fun :-) look on the positive....plan a family portrait...dinner, celebration...find an activity you use to do as kids you can share with your kids, étc.
