Mom Doesn't Seem to Be Interested in Grandchildren

You have to communicate with them. When they come over ASK them to hold the baby as you are cooking or take the baby for a walk in the morning. They might feel like a third wheel and not know what to do. Or go on the walk with them. Tell them you want to spend more time with them and invite them to the park/zoo when they are visiting you. Tell them what you want from them. Teach them how to behave as you go along- you do not have to have a serious conversation with them about the trip, just fix it going forward. Tell them you want to spend more time with them and with the kids. How can we accompolish this?

Is your sister the only sibling you have? Maybe your parents feel they raised their family and now it's your turn to raise yours, some people do think like this. Maybe they find children too much if they're older grandparents. Maybe they don't feel your children are easy to handle. Whatever you will have to talk with them honestly to find out. I would do that and just ask if there is a problem or if they just prefer to live their own lives now. Wondering won't solve the problem. Maybe if you and your sister discuss it with them together but don't threaten or corner them. Just discuss it.

I am sorry this is your experience.

Everyone is different and has different attitudes about children. You cannot change that in them. I would reccomend that you be inclusive with your parents, what I mean by that is be welcoming and include them in the things you do. However, don't expect anything from them. They are who they are and if playing or being with you and the children is something they have issue of, there isn't much you can do.

If you really want to hash it out and find out "why" (there may not be a solid reason, just to let you know)...then do it in neutral territory, in a non accusatory way. You could even just ask them, what kind of relationship they want and leave it at that. That way, you know what to expect and can let go of the rest.

It is nice that you and your sister can related to each other. You are each other's support in this. Focus on each other and your families. Not all grandparents are the warm and fuzzy type.

Take care.

I'm sorry for your pain and disappointment. There really is no "normal" as far as families go. I know it hurts to not have the grandfolks you want for your kids, but think of it this way: You actually don't have the grandparents you want for your kids.

What I mean is that part of what hurts us most about our parents is that we have expectations based on the fantasy. We desperately want different parents. We can't choose our parents, though. The best we can do is have our expectations match the reality of what we are given.

I spent 34 years with litteral phyical pain every single time I thought I was going to see my mother, she had hurt me so much. Once I accepted her for exactly who she is, though, I am now very close to her. She can't hurt me ever again because I won't open the door for longing. I've come to appreciate her and realize that I now hate the thought of her ever leaving this world. I finally have a mom. What changed was me. I traded in a fantasy for the gift of an actual mom. She told me once when I was feeling bad about not being everything I could ever want my dd to have in a mom, "You'll never be everything you want for your child. You can't be. Accept that and just do your best."

You can disscuss it if you want. Get it off your chest. But then do yourself and your kids a favor and don't expect anything other than who she is.

All the best to you.

As a Grandma to 8 I say it is your parents loss not to spend time with you and your sister and the grandkids. I understand what you are saying and it didn't seem to me that you were looking for a sitter just a little love, attention and affection for you and your kids I don't think that is too much to ask for or expect. Not everyone is a hands on grandparent/parent I guess for some people that is normal but I have a very close relationship with my kids and grandkids. It is sad. I would ask them if it were me and I would want my kids to ask me.
Kay

It sounds normal to me. I don't think that it's either good nor bad. seems like she is just enjoying her freedom and likes her free time to herself. My mom is this way too. It does not bother me because its something I'm accustomed too. It does not hurt my children because they have never known anything else. At least she is consistant!
My mom will by them christmas and birthday gifts. But to ask me the leave them for the night or spend a whole day with them, forget it!

Just so you know you are not the only one, that happens to me as well. My parents are loving people, but not in the way most people think of. I can't say this works for everyone, but for me I just choose to take what I can get and try to insert small moments when I can. I can say that it's gotten slightly better over time, but don't expect it to be much different. Some people just want to have grandchildren in their lives, and some just have their own thing going on. This bothers my sister a great deal, but I think her efforts can be too forceful. Hope this helps. You're not the only one!

I can't help but be curious of the background of this little trip. Who planned it? How many children are there, and of what ages? How old are your parents?

I'm going to play the Devil's advocate here. I think it's a bit presumptuous to expect your parents to "help out" with your small children when they visit. Grandparenting is the time when they get to enjoy the fun part of being around kids...and let the parents do the work.

Since both your kids are little (not sure about your sister's), pretty much everything to do with them is tough for an older adult. Walking for long periods is tough on the feet, knees and hips, going on rides can be painful on aching joints, and being surrounded by small, noisy children and their oblivious-to-anyone-else parents is tiresome to say the least. They likely do not have the stamina for this, or perhaps the patience.

If you wanted them to spend time with your children, aside from using them as a sitter-service, you should have let them know. Grandparents are not at-will babysitters to be used at your convenience. If you need a sitter, and want to spend time with your parents, hire one and invite your parents out.

I am aware that this sounds a little blunt. For that, I'm sorry. I have a slightly different viewpoint on the grandparent/parent/child relationship: My mother had me at age 16, so I saw how things were when a grandparent had extra expectations put upon them.

I am also in the military. While I was deployed, my mom took care of my two boys, ages 6 and 7 at the time. For 13 months. How's THAT for "helping out?"

When I came back, I vowed to never again force her into a situation where she had to do MY job as a parent. She deserves to be Nana, because she's done her job raising myself and my brother. I am wrong to expect anything else, and have told her so. Strangely enough, letting her know that has made her want to spend more time with the boys than before, because she knows just how much we love and appreciate her.

So, the bottom line is this: Talk to your parents and let them know that it's important to you that your kids have a positive and loving relationship with their grandparents. BUT, when you do, put away your expectations that they should behave a certain way, help you with the kids, or spend that time according to your guidelines, and ask them how THEY would like to grandparent.

Best of luck,

C.

A.,
I would discuss - or attempt to - with them, but be careful not to bring it up as a defensive issue, but one of simply noticing things.

They may not see the issue; they may self-correct. You may learn something you don't want to know. They may play favorites. There may be a lot of factors.

If you open the box, best to be prepared for what you learn. Doesn't mean you have to like it, but don't expect them to change.

Normal is what you make for your family. I didn't see my grandparents growing up. My grandmother didn't set foot in my parents house. Ever. She has her reasons. Can't say they're nice ones.

There are people out there. Sometimes, you're related to them.

Just remember: you make your own happiness. and that is the BEST lesson you can ever give your children. Not focusing on what your parents do or not do will only benefit them. They will notice when they are older, sure, but they will take their cues from you: Grace or graceless.

My own parents don't help out much at all with DS. They play with him a little, sure, but helping out? Sitting? Not really. They don't subscribe to a child needing to be hugged when they are crying. They help around the house instead. They also live 6 hours away, and make the trip 2-3 times a year. Love 'em. Wish I could change 'em, but it ain't gonna happen.

Good luck,
M.

Observing many of my older friends and acquaintances, it is clear to me that there are many types of "normal." Some older folks love being around their grandchildren (and I was surprised and pleased to learn I am in that group – I had my doubts when my daughter was pregnant.)

Your parents don't see your kids often, so they are relative strangers to them. Older adults can be genuinely intimidated by the requirements of little people. They raised their own children a long time ago, have less energy now, other interests, and parenting expectations have changed. If your children are very young, active, and perhaps not fully verbal yet, that can really look exhausting or worrisome to an older person.

You might do well to simply explore how your parents see their relationship with their grandkids. If there's any aspect of being with your kids that puts them off, find out what that might be. If you have specific, definable interactions that you'd like to encourage, let them know what those would be and how you envision them. You want your parents to "help out," describe for them exactly what that means to you.

Speaking as a granny who needed a certain amount of "training" about my what daughter and son-in-law hoped I would bring to the relationship, I found this really helpful.

I have one other observation, based solely on your inquiry, and so if this doesn't fit, please just let it go. But a large component of your hoped-for connection with your parents sounds like them helping you with your kids. If this is how they understand your ideal picture of a visit with them, THEY may feel sad, hurt and offended.

Good luck to you all. Inquire about what it "feels like" from your parent's point of view to live in an older, less healthy, less energetic body, with a more sluggish and less enthusiastic brain, and take it from there.

Your parents live far away, so they are not used to spending a lot of time with the grandkids. They were on vacation, and may not have wanted to spend all of the time doing little kid activities or babysitting - total of 7 kids, two of whom are a year old? That's a lot to ask, and it sounds like your parents DID keep the kids for a night. I think expectations were different. You may have been expecting constant togetherness and built in sitters, but your parents have different interests and were simply going on the same vacation, but not looking to spend entire days and nights together, didn't want to spend most of their meals with little kids, etc. I would say that you may just need to change your expectations. When the grandparents visit, they may see themselves as guests, not helpers or sitters, especially since they do not see the kids often. It sounds like you know what YOUR desires and expectations are - but why should your mother conform to your expectations and not the other way around? Not all grandparents want to be babysitters or be expected to "help out" with the kids.

How old are your parents? I'm asking because my in-laws were in their late 60's when our children were born. What I mistook for aloofness with the children was in reality simply tiredness on the grandparent's part. How do I know this? Because I became a grandmother when I was 48, and had lots of energy for those kids. I'm a grandma again at age 66,
and it's a whole different story. I love all my grandchildren so much, but I admit that the toddlers tire me out, and I don't look forward to watching them as much as I did when I was younger. Could it be that your parents just need a little R & R of their own?
Maddie

Are her kids older? Sometimes grandparents just enjoy kids that are more independent. Or if they are younger, maybe they feel she needs more help. At least your sister is on your side and you are able to speak to her about it. I would have your sister say something- that would be an easy way to approach it. Just have her note the obvious(like why did you move close to us at disney?)

my mom hates kids, and does her best not only not to spend time with her grandchildren, but also to foist my now 12 year old brother off on me and my sister whenever she can so she can be kidless. If it wasnt for my dad loving all of his grandbabies and wanting to see them as much as possible (he even found a job and moved 4 hours closer so that he could try to visit on weekends if possible) I think we would never see her. Some people are just that way. The only thing we do is try not to let it impact our daughter as much as possible, but probably sooner rather than later she's going to start asking why she never gets birthday cards from grandma and grandpa (since grandpa thinks they're sending them and I dont want to start a fight) and I dont know what we'll do then.

Perhaps they didnt want to intrude or slow you all down. Maybe they were waiting for an invitation from you or your sister to join in. There could be a few reasons why and if you dont ask you will never know. Ask, discuss and dont just accept.