Dealing with Criticism

I agree that you should first recognize that they are not coming from a place of malice. They genuinely think that they are telling you the RIGHT things to do. They just don't necessarily realize that they shouldn't do it in quite that way. What I did was allow it to be a discussion, if it's something I cared to discuss.

"You think so? Well, I might look into that. So far, I've been thinking along these lines, so thanks for that perspective." And then change the subject. If they mention something that you've already decided against, and you don't mind sharing, then you can tell them, "We considered that and decided to do this instead."

My former MIL was the world expert on EVERYTHING and my ex-husband agreed. So I had to listen to a barage of unsolicited advice, he also had 3 older sisters, but I was the first one to have a child. If I thought the info was helpful I incorporated into my routine if not I ignored them.

I didn't have that in my family, but R., if I had, I would have looked at her and said, "I don't measure love the way you do. If you want to think that all working mothers are selfish, then you shouldn't take your kids to any women doctors or any doctors' offices with women nurses. You shouldn't let any women teachers with children teach your children. You should make sure that any woman who works FOR your husband not have children either. Unless you are willing to do that, you need to keep quiet about my choice to work after I have kids."

I've pretty much said that on this site for several years every time there is a sort of discussion where someone here voices the kind of opinion that your SIL has. (And yes, we've had threads like that.)

My recommendation is that you hit hard and fast and then change the subject. Never be apologetic. However, NEVER push your views about the benefits of being a working mom on them. Two wrongs don't make a right.

The only person being selfish is the person who tries to justify their own position by downing someone else.

Dawn

Yep, from now on people will project what they think you should be doing.

Very early on I just learned to say," yep, I hear you, We are going to do what is best for us and our child. "

Or, "yep, that sounds like a plan, we have already planned how We want to do things."

Or just look at them with a blank face and do not answer or reply..

When dealing with my inlaws (or outlaws as I like to call them), I always try to take the high road. Not always easy, but it really is best in the end.

You do NOT have to justify your decisions to anyone. The best way to deal with these types of comments is to say very little (I'll keep that under advisement or that works for you, but we do what's best for us) and then change the subject. If the questions get too personal, you can always say, "Why would you ask me that?" or "We haven't decided" even though you've made up your mind.

The blank stare is also a favorite of mine.

Good luck and don't let the turkeys get you down!

I think your first step is understanding that the comments are not mean spirited, they are said with concern. The concern may be misplaced but it is given with love.

I have heard some really crazy advice over the years but I have never taken that as criticism. That is the key to managing everything.

So stop looking at it as criticism and look at it as advise to take or leave.

You stick to what is best for you, your child and your family. Congrats on your pregnancy. As for the comments when the say something you say : Thanks for your opinion, and thats just what it is----but WE have decided to do XXX for our family and that is what works for us.

If they continue to badger you--you say : I thought we made it clear the last time, but we have decided to do XXXXX and this is what works for our family. I am sorry you don't support our decisions.

When you are ready to pay for my child's college, our house, and all of our expenses---then your opinion will hold more than a grain of SALT. :) Then smile and walk away.

Let your husband do the most and if they get in your face--you let them have it.

Best wishes!!!!!

Read the "Boundaries" book by Townsend & McCloud. Good luck new momma!!!

A united front between you and your husband is the way to curb the unsolicited advice. I can see your point about letting your husband speak up since it is his family, but you should find a diplomatic way to reply when your husband won't be around. Good luck

I would stay away from them during your pregnancy as much as possible. The last thing you need to deal with is high blood pressure right now!

We all make decisions in our lives. Everyone has an opinion, some people voice it others don't.

Feel solid in your decison for YOUR family. Smile and say.. sorry you feel that way. When people have a differnt opnion.

My MIL HATED the fact that I nursed both my kids, we never bought one drop of formula. She was upset because she tried but couldn't. My decision to nurse my kids was mine and my husbands.. you have people who bottle fed, feel guilty and take it out on you. You have a mom who has decided that she does not want to bottle feed, then you get a mom who nursed, and give them a guilt trip. My point is any decision you make for you and your family is just that.

There are pros and cons of most decisions. Just feel solid in you decision.

Weather or not you work, does not make you a great mom or not. I know a SAHM who sucks, I know working moms who are awesome ( I know SHAM that are awesome, and working moms that suck).. We all work, or don't for differnt reasons.

Good Luck and Congratulations.

If it were me. Because I do not have any kind of filter when someone is being critical with me without even asking for an opinion. I would just look her in her good eye and tell her 'When I want your adivice, I will ask for it. If I do not ask for it , keep it to yourself" said with a smile.

"You're making a lot of assumptions on how we're going to fail as parents when we don't even have a baby yet. Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? We'll figure things out and I'm sure we'll make great parents even if we don't do things the same way as you. Since it such a hot button topic for you, I'd rather we don't discuss this any more."

"Gee, Sister-in-Law, it sure sounds as if you don't think we should have children at all given how little you think of our ability to parent our imaginary children." ::eyeroll::

I honestly think that your husband ought to handle his family however he feels fit, with the exception that he should not ruin familial relationships. People say stupid things that they should keep in their heads... unfortunately they say everything they think now with thanks to Twitter and Facebook. There's no brain-to-mouth filter any more.

I don't know of any books just on handling criticism but I would either ignore it or say this is what my husband and I are doing for our family. I was a stay at home mother and most thought I should be working so you get it from both sides. It's just not the other family members decision and they can state their opinion but they never seem to just do that, it goes farther than that to judgmental opinions. I would just ignore it and do what you and your husband feel is best for your child.

the Bible:Proverbs 31: 9b-31

These are tough decisions you have to make and even though you know that intellectually right now, this is as easy as they will get. When you actually have children and you have to deal with them as they come and realize the decisions you make could be right or could be wrong for them, then the criticism will drive you insane if you don't get a handle on it.

The advise you are getting is well meant.
We all are struggling with decisions and sometimes we stumble upon something that really worked in our situation. We take it too far in recommending it to others. Calling you selfish was mean spirited.
That's where the line should be drawn for your husband. If he is in earshot, that's where he should speak up. If he is not there or doesn't take that oportunitiy, that's where you stop the conversation and tell her she has gone too far. Name calling, not mature, not tolerated.

I had the opposite problem with my FIL. He thought I should keep working and we were set on me staying home with the kids. It's something so important that I told my H about before we were married. I ignored a lot of snide remarks. I didn't budge, but it wasn't easy. My kids are almost grown now and I would have regretted it if I raised them his way. They are not perfect but I am glad I did not bow to criticism. I did get to hear him brag on me from someone else one time about being such a good mother. He was a great grandpa on many points.

The point of that being, don't throw out the baby with the bath water. That is don't throw out the loving aunt with her unsolicited advice. You are going to need her someday. Bet on it. Be confident in your choices and you will have some good ones and a few bad ones. Be respectful with those who disagree. Graze in many fields but give your own milk..do your own processing of people's advice.

If you and your husband are on the same page, that's already half the battle won.

I used to get comments and "helpful" suggestions from my MIL when I had my first and was a young mother. I learned something VERY QUICKLY: all I had to do was say "Hmm, interesting...I'll think about it." then continue doing whatever *I* wanted. To your SIL, say: "Hmm...I guess there are those that choose to stay home, but that's not the right choice for MY family", then just ignore her. Seriously, ignore her comments. If you have confidence in what you're doing and the choices you're making for your family, NOTHING they can say should put you on the defensive and NOTHING they do should sway you in your parenting decisions. Like I've said on here before, people can only bring you down if you let them.

Don't even bother "standing up" to them because you won't change their minds and you'll only seem like you're trying to justify your decisions. Simply say "I'll take that into consideration...I hadn't thought about that...interesting point of view...etc", then do things YOUR way. They'll eventually get the hint, like my MIL did...and now she comes to ME for advice!

My MIL and my SIL (her daughter) said things like that to me all the time when I was pregnant (and when my kids were babies). If I never again hear my SIL say, "I didn't have kids so that someone else could raise them," it will be too soon!!! Obviously my husband's family has very strong opinions. That's fine, but I don't have to agree with them, and I don't have to feel bullied by them.

I would usually just smile and let them say what they needed to say. A few times I caved in and offered my thoughts. That didn't usually help or make anyone feel better. Most of the time we just didn't say anything. My husband and I discuss things and decide together what's best for our family.

Our kids are a little older (6 and almost 4), and his mom has backed off. She still gives her opinion about things, but not nearly as forcefully. She seems to have observed that we might not do everything they way she things she would have done it, but our kids are happy and healthy and doing just fine.

I think this is to just "smile and nod." It will definitely take some patience and self control, but hopefully after some time passes, they will begin to realize that you are the mom and you are going to raise your child the way that seems best to you.

the best way to deal with snarky people is to look them in the face and very loudly tell them, "DID I ASK FOR YOUR OPINION??"i had several people tell me that it would be better for my un born baby if i didnt work, to which i replied,"well, unless you plan on spending the next 18 years buying our groceries for us..i suggest you keep your opinions to yourself about whether i work or not, by the way, heres our grocery list for the week!!"when they backed away from me and my big belly without taking the grocery list, i responded, "WELL, WHOS BEING SELFISH NOW??!" i managed to shut up more then one person simply by confronting them with the same attitude that they confronted me with...dont be shy about dealing with your husbands family, it will only get worse if you do
K. h.

I know, it's crazy how much you feel judged by other people as a parent...if you work or do not, what you are feeding them, how they are behaving. It never ends. I think the answer is to just blow off those kinds of comments and develop a thick skin. Be confident in yourself and ignore what others say. I have been staying at home for the last 3 years and I feel awfully judged for doing so by all my friends and family member who work and have careers. I plan on going back to work, but it's funny...I can't tell how much of this decision is based on what I really want and what other's expectations are. I was just thinking about this last night....if I could get rid of all the people out there what is it that I think is best.

You and your husband are capable adults who will make the best decision for you and your family and that's basically what you need to communicate to these folks with strong judgements. The stay-at-home mom vs the working mom is an on going debate. Both feel strongly in their choice. You will need to speak up for yourself otherwise they will next be telling you what to feed the baby. etc. Nip it in the bud right now if you want some level of peace.

I understand your frustration! I would let your husband handle it first, as it is his family. If it still continues after he speaks to his relatives, that's when I would say you are free to politely step in. I would not say "can it", in such terms, but I would firmly tell them that this is your child, and you are going to make the decisions that you feel are best, and you don't appreciate rude comments being made about it. If neither you nor your husband are able to make them stop, maybe you just shouldn't be around them. Let your husband take the baby to see the grandparents if you don't feel comfortable there. If he doesn't feel comfortable there either, whenever you feel comfortable allowing the baby out of your sight for a few hours let grandma watch the baby for an afternoon. If your in laws are talking bad about you even with your child present, maybe you simply have to stop all visits until they can be respectful. I don't like cutting off family members, but sometimes you simply have to remove yourself from an unhealthy environment, and sadly, family can sometimes create that environment.

You are going to face a LOT of criticism as a parent. Period. It sucks, but there will always, always be someone who thinks that they know what is best and you do not. The best defense that I have found is to say "this is what is working for us right now. At some point, we may need to reconsider, but for right now, we're good. Thank you for your thoughts."
All you have to do is bounce around on here for a while to see that there are many sides to EVERY parenting argument. People have their pet issues- some think that a working mom is basically an abusive mom. Some think that a stay at home mom is a lazy leech. Some think formula is the devil's work and some think anyone who doesn't breastfeed their 7 year old should be prosecuted for neglect. But the vast majority of moms are just trying their best to take care of their kids, to raise them as happy, healthy, productive members of society. The internet brings out the judgmental because we are all trying to express the reasons behind our choices. Your family member may be offering well-intended advice. She may also be butting in where she is not welcome. I would absolutely NOT start a giant war right now. Frankly, you don't know right now what kind of parent you will be. I am still figuring that out as a mom of 2, with the oldest being 5. Try to nod and smile then just make your own choices to the best of your ability. Maybe she will chill out when she sees how great your kid is turning out compared to her own ill-mannered hellions :)

Best of luck...parenting is not for the weak!!

As long as you and hubby agree, then who the heck cares what the rest of them think. I would just steer clear of any conversations regarding parenting/your child and let anything they say go without comment. It won't help to comment; you'll just get upset and stressed and for what? The decisions/choices are yours. Let them run their mouths and you and hubby do exactly what you want.

When they offer advice, just smile and nod. If you feel like you have to say something, say something like "Interesting" or "Worth considering" and leave it at that.