MIL In Town... Reality Check...

Every child has thier own pace.. 50-75 words at 13 months is fine.. My 18 month is only choosing to say about 5-10. We read to her, we try to make her use her words.. she just wont talk. She grunts and claps .. We tell her the word(s) to use and she just smiles at us. I think that one day she will be speaking paragraphs, but for now.. she is clamed up.

My goodness. First the 13mth old is not behind. She is not average. She is far above Avg! Just another thing to let go or speak up about. Your choice.
Now. But when she gets older and can interpret grandmas words, you will have to confront her so why bite your tongue now? It would be great if Dad would speak to her but obviously if he waits 5 yrs because of her wishes, he is not going to confront her.

My words might be something like this,

Mil, I know you mean well but in my culture, we try to get along by limiting our criticism of other peoples parenting styles and choices. It's considered bad form to come to someone's house and tell them their child is not smart.
I know you come from a different culture and I am happy that my children share your heritage. But H and I are happy with our children's progress and enjoy who they are. We would like you to share that joy in our kids by not critising them. You can read to them and share time in a way you find comfortable but that's how we see your role as grandmother. Our daughter is not only smart, but sweet and funny and will grow to be a great kid and we will not allow her life to be critiqued or her to be pushed excessively.

I know what you mean by taking things too long and then exploding. It's already gone beyond that point. Speak. Up.

Opinions are like @ssh0les... everyone's got one. Doesn't mean you need to consider them, listen to them, or let them bother you. You are giving this issue , and your MIL too much power by letting it get to you so much. Nod, smile, next...

I would nod my head, act like I was taking it all in and then go back to whatever I was doing Just because she tells you something doesn't mean you have to do it. Of course she has a different opinion on how to raise a child. She had her chance to do that with her children. Now it's your turn to raise your children.

FWIW it sounds like his mom is very controling. Stop letting her control you and let go of her negative words.

"She made us wait 5 years to get married"? Was your husband underage or just a mama's boy?

Since your husband's mother only tells him what you are doing wrong, it is up to him to tell his mother, in a nice but firm way, that you and he are the parents and feel your baby and your older children are doing just fine. He should also add, when the new baby arrives, it will be raised the same way.

Hopefully she will go home soon.

Don't worry about your MIL.
You're the mom. You do what you feel is right for your baby at the time.
She's YOUR child.
Let whatever she says go in one ear and out the other.
Obviously this is coming through your husband. When he tells you such
things just respond with "Oh, well our baby is right on track right now.).
Don't bad mouth his mom but don't let her dictate YOUR life.
While the Japanese culture is different, you can respect it but you are living in America. Meaning, she does not have a right to impose on your life as your parent YOUR child.

From what all of my Japanese friends tell me, this is completely a cultural thing. Your MIL will never, ever tell you anything that you're doing correctly. It will always and only be what you can improve and/or are doing wrong in her eyes. There's probably a lot of exaggeration going on when she tells you what your husband did at the same age and how she did things. To her, she's doing you a favor. To her, she's being a good MIL and her MIL did it to her. Even if she despised her own MIL and hated that her MIL did it, she'll do it because "now it's her turn" to do it to you. You're not supposed to take it personally because after all, she's "helping." And she's your elder.

I get a bit of this from my own MIL and my grandmother with the old Italian ways, and I've learned to simply smile and nod. "Okay, thank you. We'll keep that in mind." "Thank you, Mom, that was helpful."

And then go right ahead and do what we've been doing and/or talk with our pediatrician and/or research the issue and see if what was said makes sense.

I wouldn't be alarmed. My boy only spoke very few words (way less than your daughter) until he was almost two years old. I always talked to him when he was with me, told him what I was doing such as "Mommy is folding the laundry now. Look there is a green sock, etc." He finally started to talk and within a few weeks caught up with his peers. Now he's in second grade. A great reader and speaker with an extensive vocabulary (I believe mostly from reading so much).
I really don't think there is anything to worry about.

First hold your head up high. Sounds like your daughter is right where she ought to be in terms of vocabulary.

Second, decide if this is the hill you want to die on with your mother in law. If she's in town for a month or so, you might want to be gracious about her criticism. i.e. "Dear MIL, thanks for calling this to our attention. Of course we'd love for DD to have an enriched environment. Feel free to supplement our daily reading. Here is a pile of books, here are some alphabet magnets/ flashcards. I am sure DD would love spending time with you as her loving teacher, we'll try our best to keep it up when you are gone." When she is gone, you decide whether the extra tutelage your MIL is something you want to keep up.

In taking this approach, you have a. avoided confrontation; b. avoided taking on extra work; c. allowed them more interraction; d. possibly provided your daughter with some extra tutelage; e. taken the higher road.

Remember, you can't change other people. You can ask them to change themselves, or you can change your response to them.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I would say: thank you for your advise, but I'm the mother here and I know what's best for my children.

Oh yes the MIL knows best thing. I never listened, did what I wanted, nod and yes them to death. Only if she was rude to me (that was a lot) would I get rude back (she was not used to that) and she would back the hell off.
My gripe is that she had her turn to mother now it's my turn. I do listen when I feel she has something to say (long time ago) that I thought she might be right (she never was).
She hated me anyway.....now that she is OLD at dirt she likes me. I do not give a **it what she says.

The only thing in your post that is really concerning is the quote "She made us wait 5 years to get married until I finally told husband I am not going to wait much longer."

I think you need to establish who makes decisions in your family or maybe who doesn't make the decisions. This is between your husband and his Mom but it clearly effects you so I would be having a very direct conversation with my husband. Ideally he would then have a very direct conversation with his Mother.

Should you PUSH your 13 month old HARDER!?! REALLY????

Here's your reality check you asked for: MY 13 month old says maybe 5 words!!! She repeats a lot and tries to talk, but the pronunciation is a learned thing.

There's nothing "wrong" with your child's development! MIL will leave. Don't worry about it.

Just smile and nod. She'll be gone in no time.
I agree she had her chance now it's your turn to be mom. This is something we all have to remember when we are the MIL!

Babies talk when they talk. Ask your pediatrician at the next visit. Then you can use the doctor's info to get her to back off. Hubby has to be on the same track as you. You need the facts so you and hubby can be comfortable with pushing back. It's fine to be a tiger mom when it's age appropriate, but 13 months isn't.

Let it be water off your back. Some people just have to always worry about or harp on something.

Why is your husband telling you this? Does he feel pressured? If not - then why is he telling you?

1) You are not being a bad mother.
2) I understand that one of the daughters of the "Tiger Mom" didn't at all agree with how she was parented.
3) This is really an issue between you and your husband....going back to my first questions.

His Mom, he responds to challenges - just as you would with your Mom, I'm sure. If what your MIL is saying is troubling your husband, you and he need to discuss that. If it's not, I think he needs to learn to respond to his Mom and not trouble the waters by bringing it to you.

Good luck!
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50-60 words at 13 months is GREAT! They're only expected to have about 10 or so by then, if I am not mistaken.

"Thank you for your input, dear MIL"...and then just ignore it and keep doing what you're doing. ;-)

Oh my goodness... Don't worry about it. My Mother in Law said something similar about my son, who talks a lot more than other kids his age. I wouldn't worry about it. Don't push your child harder because her grandmother thinks she should be smarter. Maybe you should tell your husband to defend you and your baby to his mother. You could say something to her, but make sure your husband is on your side and will back you up before that happens!

Don't let her bother you. Seems like she just wants something to fuss about.

When my daughter was 2, I was told that a 2 y.o. should know a minimum of 35 identifiable words, with some two word phrases. The reason I know this is that my daughter was a late talker, and I was concerned, so I asked my pediatrician. If your 13 m.o. has 50-75 words, she's doing fine. Tiger Grandma needs to back off. And since your husband is the one with whom she is speaking, he needs to either tactfully tell her that or ignore her and stop coming to you with his mother's misplaced worries.

She is with you for one extended weekend. Take lots of deep breaths and remind yourself that it is not very long. If she says anything directly to you, tell her that actually, based on information you have from a pediatrician (you needn't reveal it's not YOUR pediatrician) your daughter is quite advanced for her age. (Tel your husband the same thing, if you think it will help.) Then smile and look busy.

How does your husband bring this to you? Is he just feeling the pressure from his mother, or does he really think that you guys should be doing more?

First, find out where he is, so you know exactly what you can expect when you do the next thing. If he's not going to say it to his mother RIGHT NOW (which he probably won't since he hasn't already), then you might have to find an opportunity to bring it up. Surely, she shows disapproval on some level in your presence. When that happens, tie it in and tell her that you realize that her (your daughter's) daddy was doing diffrent things at her age, but she is not the same person as her daddy, and you guys have different emphases in your parenting goals. I use that term a lot--"parenting goals"--because it says that I do have a plan and am not just winging it. Nobody else has to know your specific goals for your children. Just express that she is right on track for what you want for her and that you are encouraged every day when you actually see it coming together. You can even tell her something like, "Yes, we plan to do that (whatever she is suggesting) at XYZ point." Then, take what you want from her suggestions and incorporate it.

I get the whole hold-it-in-until-you-explode thing. I can be the same way, and that does nobody any good. Start small telling people what's on your mind. Let your husband in on it, though. I don't know what your relationship is like and if your keeping your mouth shut is part of your charm; you don't want to suddenly be loud-mouthed and opinionated and throw him into a tailspin. This issue is more complicated than MIL being critical. Use being pregnant and sensitive to open the door to this discussion with your husband, but let him in on your desire to modify this closed-mouthed part of your personality (Do you have that desire?), and ask for his assistance and guidance. That way, he can feel like he's got some say, while you work out the kinks.

Good luck!

Be thankful that she lives far away. My son is 12 months. He babbles a little, and knows a few signs, like putting his hands up for all done when he is through eating. My dd didnt start talking until she was almost 2. Then she started talking in full sentences. Ignore your MIL. Sounds like you are doing everything you should be doing and baby is right on track for development. If you feel the need to say something, I would just keep repeating 'her pediatrician says her development is right on track'. Even if he didnt say that, it usually shuts people up.

She should really be taking this time to enjoy being a grandparent to her grandchild, instead of trying to tell you how to be a parent. Your husband really needs to be the one to deal with this. However, if he hasnt stood up to his mother by now, he isnt likely to start. If she isnt approaching you directly about any of this, I would probably ignore it. My MIL policy is that if wasnt important enough to talk to me directly, its not important enough for a response. I am not in middle school, and do not engage in backstabbing or trash talking behind someones back. So anything my MIL wants to say to dh behind my back gets ignored.

Best of luck and hopefully she will be gone soon.

If you want to know where your baby is developmentally go to parentcenter.com or babycenter.com

Sign up for the different things. Put your kids on the "by age" lists and you'll get emails about their stages and what they should be doing, what's coming next, if they're behind. I think you'll find your baby is right on track.

Respectfully keep in mind the cultural differences, but let your pediatrician decide if your child is at pace or behind, not your MIL.

It's the difference in culture. I wouldn't get mad; just let it roll right off of you.

It is definitely cultural, but as a teacher I think maybe a little of that Japanese tiger mom stuff may not be too bad. Asians kids for the most part come to school knowing everything and being super respectful. I always wished I had a room full. The American kids parents were more interested in how many sports or other activities they could get their kids in... during baseball season no homework and the Asian parents always asked for more and wanted to know what they could do more of. Most are now in medical school so maybe they are on to something.