Problem: My stepson has a bad temper and is very jealous of his little sister. When told no to anything he puckers his lips, start snorting, crosses his arms, and stomps his feet. If he is really mad he starts yelling and screaming. Recently he has added telling us he hates us (learned from a cousin he recently visited on Mom's side). When we ask why he is angry all he can say is his sister always gets everything and she is allowed to do whatever she wants. I have noticed a major change in his behavior and attitude in the past year. He used to be a happy go lucky laid back kid and always very well behaved with good manners. This past year he is really angry, easily upset, and sad. It breaks our hearts because we know there is an underlying issue and he can’t verbalize it yet.
Background: He is turning 5 years old in August and his parents never have been together. He started to go back and forth between houses when he was 6 months old. I entered his life when he was turning 1. His father and I have been married for about 2 years now and have a 2 year old daughter together. I am currently pregnant with our 2nd child. We have a great structured family life. Our schedule is very normal and routine so he knows what to expect and what is expected from him at our house. We spend time together and plan enriching activities for our kids all the time. We are always going to the beach, zoo, playground, swimming in our pool, doing arts and crafts...lots of fun stuff. Then we always sit at the table for dinner and eat as a family. Our bedtime routine is bath, story, and bed (same as mom's). Mom says her house is run pretty much the same way. The problems have started in the past 2 years with changes happening in both homes. We had a baby and mom moved her boyfriend into the house (which is positive) Mom lost her job about a year ago and still hasn’t found a new one. She appears depressed, has gained a lot of weight, and is at our throats over everything. Mom and Dad’s relationship has never been good but usually at least civil and they have made a point never to involve their son and put on a happy face for him. Recently my stepson has been repeating things he hears his mom say like she doesn’t have enough money for gas to drive him to our house or buy him toys. She has explained to him that she doesn’t have a job so they don’t have very much money. Just recently she got mad because a couple of his shirts had stains on them…which started a huge fight. My stepson comes to our house after it telling us that we need to make sure we wash his shirt because it is his mom’s. I am at the end of the rope on putting up with the bickering and now the little boy is overhearing and being put in the middle.
I think we have a few problems. 1. Mom’s is unhappy with her life and son is seeing it. 2. His parents can’t get along and he is feeling that. 3. Doesn’t like going back and forth between houses but wants to see both parents. 4. Extremely jealous of little sister and can’t stand to know she gets something more than him or gets to do something he doesn’t or go on vacations without him.
We try to keep everything as equal as possible but when we only have him 20% of the time he doesn’t get to do everything our family does. I am urging my husband to talk to the mother of his son about what is happening because she might not see the behaviors we do since it is just her, him, and her boyfriend. Then get into family counseling. I’m hoping the counselor can wake the two of them up and show them that his behaviors are a direct result of the bickering between them and mom not being happy. My husband is going to take his son to counseling regardless of whether his mother agrees to go as well. We have approached her in the past about attending counseling together but just the adults. She said she would but never showed up.
Has anyone dealt with this situation? It is so hard for me to deal with and everything I read says his behaviors are normal and we need to be patient and work with him but I have been doing this for 2 years now. When does it get better and how do I prevent my daughter from picking up these bad habits. I also can’t leave them alone together because he will try to hurt her at times. Even though he loves her to death he can be extremely mean to her. When she was learning to crawl he would head butt her, push her hand off of items she was using to stand on. Now he hits, pinches, and kicks her.
So far my husband set up a counseling appointment for Monday with his son. He tried to call the mother but as usual she wouldn't pick up the phone. So he sent her an email inviting her to go with them. We will see if she shows up or throws a fit forbidding my husband to take their son to counseling. I'll repost on Monday.
Poor little boy. Look at the trauma this broken home has created for a sweet little 4 year old.
Can you guys take him full time?
It's not his fault. He shouldn't have been put through this. Give him as much love as you can.
Our situation isn't exactly like yours, but my SD goes back and forth and she is 10 so she CAN verbalize how she's feeling.
Basically she feels left out and trapped when she knows something is going on at one house that she can't participate in. She leaves her mom's house and comes back a week later and sees her half-sister with a new toy. Naturally she feels jealous and left out. She is a very loving and easygoing kid but I'm sure you can understand the jealousy.
She has also said she feels jealous that her half-sister and brother don't have to go anywhere. They have one room, Mom and Dad both live there and they don't constantly feel like half of them is missing.
She had issues with her Mom and boyfriend fighting and she's also heard us fight. It scares her because she has so little security in her life.
One thing that helped her a LOT (and I think it just eased some of the jealousy) is the House Fairy. At our house the House Fairy would visit if she had a clean room and leave her a little surprise. There's a website dedicated to the House Fairy so you can show your little one the videos. Anyway, we always made her clean her room before visiting Mommy's house so that the House Fairy could visit our house while she was away. She would try to guess what the House Fairy would bring and would immediately run to her room when returning to our house. I would get small trinkets from the dollar section of Target, many times the House Fairy would bring her something she needed like a new toothbrush or some hair ties. Around school time the House Fairy would bring her school supplies that she needed like notebooks, pencils, etc. It was a wonderful way to give her the things she needed along with some magic. The House Fairy always left a note detailing how proud she was of the clean room.
Now, this won't solve ALL your problems, of course, but for us it put some magic in her life during a tough time (Mom had got a new boyfriend and separated from the one she had been with for 3 years). My SD always had some new little trinket, so it seemed to curb some of the jealousy and it made her excited. It also wasn't like we were GIVING something to her, she had to earn it with a clean room.
You can make the House Fairy HIS thing, if your daughter is too young. Otherwise you can include her, it's a wonderful way to help your children keep their rooms clean! And it never mattered to my SD how small the gift was, she treasured them all!
Like I said, it won't solve the bigger picture, it sounds like the adults need to talk. But like I said, it put magic in her life when she needed it most, and even though she no longer believes in the House Fairy, she still talks about how much she loved it.
He needs to get into therapy asap So sad for him. Kids are the ones who
suffer the most. When will the adults get it. Just love him and support him
until he can get some help. There is no easy solution to this. Hopefully,
over time he will come to understand that you love him equally and uncon-
ditionally and his behaviour will change. Good luck.
I agree that counseling is the way to go. He needs to learn a way to get his anger out without hurting his little sister. And counseling will help you learn how to deal with him and with his other family. It's important to go even if she doesn't.
Yes, he's hurting and it's understandable that he acts this way. But he still needs discipline. Does he have an immediate consequence when he misbehaves? Try to separate empathy from discipline. Be compassionate while remaining firm when he misbehaves. Two years of doing this hasn't worked and so it's time to try something else. Perhaps try different consequences.
Have you read Love and Logic by Foster Cline and . The authors founded a treatment facility for disturbed children who were acting out their anger as well as having failed to bond with their care givers. CSD had him talk to foster parents who were fostering difficult children. I found their philosophy very helpful.
I was soft on my foster daughter because I thought she needed more sympathy than correction. Wrong! She needed both. They teach to have a few basic rules for which you have consistent and immediate natural consequences. For hitting, etc. he needs to be separated from the person he's hurting. A natural consequence is to go to his room until he's calm. Then he comes out and you talk about what he's done, how it hurts the other child, and ask him to apologize. If he can't apologize he goes back to his room until he can. One he apologizes, even if it's only half-heartedly, give him a hug and tell him you know he'll do better next time.
Give him lots of praise and discipline with love in a calm way. Praise him 6 times for every time you have to say something negative to him.
This helped my grandson to learn some self-control. It did take a month or so before he stopped hitting.
You know i have a lot less money than my ex. My ex can take my child on a lot more trips can get a group of her friends together, buy her tons of toys. I cannot. I buy her a few good pieces and filler and do try to do something every weekend with her. Sometimes her dad doesn't think or sometimes doesn't care. He'll drop her off in her oldest stain messed up clothes with no shoes. Pretty soon I do not have shoes that fit her in the house or she doesnt have anything decent to wear. I try not to get mad but seriously I need to go back to his house for her to run in and find a pair of shoes or I need her to go out look like a bum because all her decent jeans are at his house in the blackhole. I've even made a joke of it with my daughter. I've bought something one day and the next day it falls into her dads black hole and I never see it again. I can't afford to go out and buy another. I'm sure the mom is sad that she has to miss out on all the great things the son is doing. That being said. The mom might not be handling it the same as me. Maybe she is venting to her boyfriend in front oh him or directly to him. I would just try to make it easier for the kid. After all he is what is important. Make sure he leaves in a good clean shirt that belongs to him from her. With shoes. Do not try to take the boy away from his mom but maybe invite him along to places more?
A lot of good and compassionate replies from people. :)
My 2 cents is to approach the boy's mom (and have your DH do it, or you could, if you're not in conflict with her and your DH is). Approach her with compassion. Let her know that you see that they are struggling, and that both she and DS are suffering. Ask her what you can to do to help with this. Do choose a time when there is no other drama, and do let her know that you care (you don't have to be someone's close friend to care and want to help). Suggest that she go to counseling for herself, because it may help her to find her center and her own happiness again (it won't solve the job problem, but if she's on Medicaid/Medicare there's probably something available; or check with Jobs & Family Services to see what sort of free counseling is available). Do tell her that you want to help and you want to try to also help DS. She may brush you off, but a sincere offer to help, in whatever way you can, may ease her anger at you (she may just be angry at the unfairness of the situation, etc.) and the stress a little.
It won't fix the issues with DS, but having his mom be less of a stress and be happy will help him in general. And I do strongly agree with the idea of counseling for him and for your DH and your family. And the House Fairy idea sounds awesome. :)
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I recently got divorced after being separated for 3 years. I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old. I got my 6 year old daughter into a program called Divorce Care for Kids last fall:
It was really great for her to be around other children from divorced homes. It helped her recognize and communicate feelings she didn't know how to put words to.
I also use a book called, "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way," by M. Gary Neuman. It's been very helpful to us as well.
He really needs counseling and maybe to stay in one home. It is very hard for kids to go back and forth and at such a young age. I am sure he is feeling very left out and that he doesn’t fit in either home. (Since you have children with his dad and maybe mom is spending a lot more time with her bf).
I grew up with divorced parents and I am now a step mom too. My step daughter gets jealous of my daughter and the things she gets. She has never hit her but she has intentionally broken her toys. My step daughter visits whenever she can since we moved to Florida and my daughter will ask to buy her things and wrap them so when her sister comes she has presents to open. We have also talked to her about living with us full time (our home is a lot more stable than her moms).
Please give him lots of love and try to get him talking without directly asking what’s wrong. I hope his mom and dad will stop auguring, that is the hardest for kids.
