Dealing with a Stubborn Toddler

I haven't actually read this but have a lot of friends who found this book really helpful: Have a New Child By Friday. They said there are lots of very practical suggestions that really worked for their families.

So why not have him do what you ask while also on HIS terms? He's a human being, with feelings and emotions. Do you do everything everyone tells you to, just how THEY like it?

Try meeting him halfway, still obiding by rules, and doing what needs to get done.

Discipline actually means to teach. Look at all his behavior as learning opportunities for him, and for you.

About the Cheerios, ignore the negative behavior, but reward positive. Tell him how he can request without demanding, by repeating what he wants only with respect, "you say no, thank you Mommy"... if he demands them tell him, "you say May I have some Mommy?" Have him repeat it.

Clean the Cheerios with him, or at least be on his level when he's cleaning, telling him what a good thing he's doing by cleaning, perhaps offer a sticker for cleaning his mess.

Remember he's only 2. You can still teach him how, but don't expect him to follow rules and do as he is told, he needs time to learn these things.

email me anytime, if you want.

Hi, I'd have to say that maybe the problem is that he's cranky from lack of protein. I know it sounds weird, but my mom was an RN and this was the advice she gave me with my first son. Give him a protein rich snack if he starts to act up. It works. I even started noticing that I start to get a little headache (mostly an annoyance) when I'm short on protein. I never noticed it before she told me that. So from then on I made sure that plain hot dogs (without buns, just heat for like 5 seconds and let him carry it around in his hand and chew on it), peanut butter toast and string cheese were in plentiful supply and amazingly enough, it worked like a charm. Young children don't know how to communicate a headache, especially one that they may not even notice except to be cranky. She also said to make sure they're getting plenty of fluids and sleep, but stressed again that it's the lack of protein that is most often responsible for bad behavior. Children are so picky that their diets usually end up being heavy on carbs and low on protein, so it's usually the culprit.

I think you're doing well with time out, my only suggestion is to let him know that every time he climbs out of time-out, you're going to add one minute to the time he has to stay there, show him the timer and show him how you're adding a minute every time you have to do it. I know it doesn't seem like he'll understand you, but believe me, at 2 yo, he will and if you're consistent he'll get the picture within a week that he's better off staying in time out the first time and just serving his original time.

I hope this helps, and good luck!

As a mom of three boys ages 11, 10, and 6 when rewarding, try not to use food. Stay clear of sugary treats. This could lead to more problems with behavior a couple of hours later when they are tired or the next day. I have two stubborn boys and I have learned to use less sugar in their diets and it does help. Sodas are a very rare thing in our house and this is one of the reasons why. It gets them all energized and then they must come down and we moms have to deal with the whole process. And I am talking all sugary foods - cookies, snack cakes, candy bars, etc.
For snacks, I always have bananas, apples, oranges, pudding, yogurt - things that contain sugar but also have healthier ingredients. They do not even ask for the cookies anymore. Just a thought when dealing with this age and the future. A.

I applaid what you do as an army wife/stay at home mom. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works at Ft.Eustis but is a civilian. I think it is a great thing to stya home and I have a good frind whos huisband is army and she has 2 gilrs and it is hard for her but she does it. I don't undrestand how you guys do so well, but it is awesome! That said, if time outs do not work maybe instead you could do like taking away a fav toy/stuffed animal or tv show/movie? That might work. ALso, part of it is definatley just a stage and part of it is his age. My daughter is 3 and is on Preschool now and thta has helped considerably with her behavior and attitude (not to metnion getting tubes in her ears). As far as food throwing/etc my youngest doe sthat and does not eat much. She will be 2 in JAn and only weighs 20 pounds. I try to ignore it when I can and I usually do not give her back the food she drops or any new food. Sounds harsh, but that is what is helping her because of her personality. ALso, does your son have the personality where he loves to be busy and doing things daily, like playiong outside/etc and letting off energy. If so, then try to do something like that wiht him daily. This is one reason I believe preshcool is relaly helping wiht my oldest because she gets to go outside/etc 3 days a wekk at lest becasue of prescool. If you live on base I am sure there is a playground or soemthing for them to do. or you could try to do playdates whenever possible, I know that helps my girls too

I will keep you in prayer. This is only the beginning. I used to hear about parents who had these wonderfully compliant children on the first try. Both of my children are very determined and strongwilled. Sounds like you've also been blessed with a very strongwilled child. But, the good thing is that if you teach him and train him properly, he's probably going to be an excellent leader and not one who easily succumbs to peer pressure. I learned to give them responsibility and to teach them the standard. Teach him the standard, maybe things like "Our family does not throw tantrums. The [insert last name here]men carry themselves like leaders. Can you imagine Daddy throwing a temper tantrum in front of Sgt. X?" or whatever trait you want him to have. You are a military family. Maybe that will help, instead of everything becoming a power struggle. Of course, there will be times reasoning probably won't work, but he's old enough to give it a try through teaching him the standard. Of course, he'll also have to understand a little thing about consequences, too. If you do x, then this will happen. I have learned to pick my battles. Every truly negative behavior is corrected, but those that are just mistakes, we go back to explaining and have child correct the problem, like messy room or mistakes on homework or spilled drinks, all which require being careful and paying attention to actions. Zero tolerance for backtalk to parent, nasty attitude, and outright defiance and those require immediate consequences. Not just for child and you, but for the other children who are watching.

God love you,

you can look at it one way... he is strong willed and it will serve him well later in life!

I don't really have any advice but just to say, I am there with you. A lot of this, and I have to take this approach with my daughter, is trying to exert control on their own little world. The yes / no / yes or Cheerioes, no Flakes, no Cheerios, struggle is in, a lot of ways, a ploy to see mommy jump. He might not even know why he's doing it!

IT DRIVES ME CRAZY -- what made it worse is that I was pregnant when this all started with my daughter, so the hormones were off the charts! and no patience. None.

I have started passive resistance. I put myself in time out. And it's working! V freaked out a little the first few times I did it (no, mommy can't come out of her room, she's in time out. No you can't come in, mommy is in time out.) But it's made her much more aware of consequences and that her actions affect those around her. She is also older, so this might have something to do with it too.

Hang in there, and Best of luck.... if you find a miracle cure for the terrible two, please let me know!

My daughter is a nightmare in time-out too. We now do "quiet time" in her room. When things get out of hand she goes in her room with the tv off and we tell her that when she feels she can be nice, she can come out. Sometimes it takes her five minutes, sometimes it takes an hour. Designate a spot when you go out too. Most of our friends have stairs so she knows quiet time is sitting on the stairs.

As for decisions, give him two choices. He may not like it but stick with it. Give him the one he chooses and stick with it. My daughter used to throw her food on the floor after changing her mind too. We would have her clean it up and tell her it's trash. She got mad because trash means it's gone for good. After a couple weeks of testing me and dad, she no longer does this.

Good luck and don't give in!!!!!

First off, we're huge fans of Nanny 911 in my house, so this may seem like right out of one of her shows, but it has worked wonders with our child. We stopped the battle of sitting in the time out spot. I walk him over to the corner, and leave him there, set a timer that beeps. In the beginning he would just walk out, etc, but we would just put him back, then walk away and not look at him, don't say ANYTHING, just put him back and ignore him until the timer beeps (1 min/year). They throw fits to get attention, so if you ingnore him, the attention is gone and now, my son will stand there and not even bother to cry and then call us when the timer beeps to say sorry. Once time is up, he has to look at us in the eye and say he's sorry for whatever he's done, we sometimes remind him what that is, but make him repeat it. When in the early 3yr old stage he throw huge tantrums for no reason, like say in the living room, we would put him on the floor, make sure he wouldn't hurt himself and then ignored him, walked in the kitchen or talked amongst our selves until he was done, in almost a week, they stopped, because they were to get attention and we made sure not to give him any in response to bad behavior, only good, you'll be surprised as to how well it can work!! Good luck!!

ARG...I am dealing with the food issue with my two daughters as well (only mine are 3 and 6!!!). They pick something for dinner, and once it's prepared, neither of them want it. Makes me frusterated. The only suggestion I really have to give is to figure out what will make him behave. For example, you have been using time-out, I would assume because it has worked in the past. Children change and grow, and we have to do the same...in the discipline. If it doesn't work anymore, you need to figure out what does. Taking something away? Is there a specific toy, or movie, or whatever that would really get to him if you took it? If so, use it! For the temper tantrums, for my girls, if they are having a burst of emotions like that, I send them up to their room telling them they need to go cry it out upstairs and get control of themselves. Once they have accomplished that, they are free to return downstairs with everyone else. It works. Sometimes they will not even tell me they are going to go to their room when they are throwing fits, and will return by themselves, saying "sorry mom". WOW! If there is something else they need to do, such as cleaning up cheerios all over the floor, I add that. When they have control of themself, they can come down and clean up the cheerios. Other ideas, a "mean mat" (others have called it a naughty mat), where you place your son when he misbehaves. That worked, but only for a while with my girls. Get creative! Good luck...
Oh yeah, another idea...when I had a period of time where it was insane in our house, I resorted to tossing a toy in the garbage. THAT really got them to behave. (In my defense, it was never a toy they really cared about or played with...one of those ones that stay at the bottom of toy boxes and are never touched, but affect them all the same).
K.

This is what I would try: I would stop using time out and start using "time-in." Focus on trying to recognize when he is beginning to get stressed out, and provide extra support/attention. When he does have a temper tantrum, focus on helping him calm down. Instead of sending him to his room, stay with him and tell him that you will help him to calm down, provide physical reassurance and talk to him in a calm voice. Once he calms down, continue to be warm and affectionate and don't scold him for the tantrum. But stick to your guns and still don't give him any more cheerios (or whatever it was). he may have another tantrum, and then deal with it the same way. But over time it should reduce the occurence. When kids throw tantrums like what you are describing their internal regulatory systems are overwhelmed. If you provide assistance your calm and supportive presence will help them to learn to self-regulate. Isolating a child can make things worse. But you also don't want to encourage tantrums by making them effective at the child getting what they want. Anyway, this may be helpful.

God bless you S..
I did daycare for 16 years for mostly special needs children and as hard as it was, once the children learned MY rules, I actually had a family setting rather then a business.
If I may suggest to you, follow thru!!!! Give 2 choices for a meal (cheerios or waffles)that's it. You have a life and other children and you are NOT a restraunt!!!!!!!!!!!
IF he throws it, that's it....he mustn't of been so hungry that he threw his food?
AND that would be a time out...no questions asked regarding this situation. Unless he is old enough to clean it up to your standards.....!!
Mam, there are a few positive things you could do like if he eats nicely, add a sticker to his calander or a marble to his jar. If he's bad, take one out or no sticker that day.
At the end of the month (or week), reward according to the amount of rewards. No stickers or marbles, no rewards and no arguement regarding it. IF he wants to argue, tell him to send you a letter...lol...I'm sure he doesn't write yet, but please stay consistant. Your yes MUST mean yes and your no, NO...
So what if he has a temper tantrum, I'm SURE his daddy would much rather be with him, but he's doing something that makes EVERYONE IN THE USA proud....tell the lil 2 yr old that and to learn how to make mommy proud.
God bless and feel free to write back.
K.

You've received some excellent advice. I know how you feel with a strong-willed child - I thought my first was strong, then was blown away by my second!

Some of the best insight I've heard regarding the 'terrible twos' (we had 'ornery ones') is that it is like a first adolesence. This means that at this age (one, two, three or even four years) they are able to do much more than just a few months ago and that's very exciting but also frightening. As parents, it's good to have some understanding of their newfound freedoms and the new rules and expectations of those freedoms (ex. you can feed yourself now but not throw it all over the floor). This advice really helped me to realize that my kids weren't just throwing fits for the sake of driving me nuts, but because they were having major issues but didn't have the words or ability to work through them.

It also helped us to give our kids the words they need to express themselves, like 'you are sad that your toy broke, so maybe next time you can be gentle' or 'your friend hit you and that wasn't nice and it's okay to cry when we have an owie' or whatever. Just imagine understanding what is going on around you but no one speaks your language - you'd probably throw a fit too! This worked well with our second child, although it is still a CONSTANT issue of helping her understand the proper way to express herself. Remember also, as another poster already said, that it's good to separate the childish mishaps from the outright defiance. Kids at this age will just do things that are destructive or against the house rules but it may be because they forget or are just caught up in the moment of being a kid. Gentle correction using words is usually our first course of action (followed by firm verbal correction, no yelling, then a quiet time until they can control themselves). Two year olds need LOTS AND LOTS of reminding! The 'wishy washy' decision making is also perfectly age-appropriate. I agree with one or two choices and that's it - it may actually help calm him down. At least for my kids, when I narrow their choices it helps them not feel so overwhelmed. They often want to try everything but get mad when they can't make a decision!

Good luck! I think these are some of the toughest years in parenting!

I think you have to look at all the factors. Is your hubby deployed? Is any of this attention seeking due to the little brother? He is two and struggling for his language to keep up with his mental abilities. Maybe he says cheerios but meant something else. What is he eating? Is he eating a lot of processed foods, sometimes the additives etc make kids wonky. Try more natural (or closer to nature foods) and see if that helps things. Give him choices he can see. I think you are doing a good job, sticking to your guns with time outs...I fought my son on those too for a while. What time does he go to bed? Does he still nap? Does he need more sleep, or more routine? Keep a journal and look for patterns (is there an event or a food that sets him off). If you are frustrated, without options, and worried that is is beyond the norm, I suggest calling your local early intervention office (through the school system). Tell them the behaviors you are seeing and get him evaluated. At minimum at the end of it they would probably have some suggestions to help you. Stay calm in the face of his storm so he can "borrow your calm" when he is upset. Talk to him about taking a deep breath (while you take deep breaths too), sing him a soothing song, try various levels of touch (soft strokes, firm squeezes). My son likes to be held tight when he is upset. If he is restless I tuck his blankets in tight and that helps soothe him. Praise him for calming down (good deep breath, doesn't that make you feel better, take another deep breath, good calming down). When he is a bit calmer try a cool drink of water, washing his hands in cool water, a cool washcloth (or warm, which ever he prefers). Being a mom of a two year old is tough, being a two year old is even tougher.

Good luck mom!
N.

the book 123 magic gioves some advice about how to avoid time outs becoming another power struggle. How did you keep ypur self feeling ok through that? (My Son isn't speaking yet.)

Oh my god, I just asked basically the same question, I am going through the same thing with my 3 year old son. He was the perfect kid about a month ago and now all heck has broke loose. Looking forward to hearing responses to your problem because it is my problem too!!!! D.

it seems like your expectations might exceed his age. time out used for punishment is not age appropriate in my mind. first, are his tantrums purely behaviour? or is he not getting enough sleep (13 hours) or is he hungry? for example, my daughter, who is strong willed but generally polite, threw a fit because i broke a granola bar in half to share with her this morning. i told her she needed to find her words and tell me what was bothering her. sometimes that's enough. sometimes she needs some time to cry and get the feelings out. this morning it wasn't, she was unravelling, so plan b, i held her and rocked her we talked about riding bikes to school (distraction) then she got up and ate her granola bar. she was hungry. i was hungry, too and my head was pounding from it. as soon as she ate the rest of the morning went much better. note to myself, having a power struggle with a hungry child is setting us both up for misery. sometimes it is important that they make choices and act grown up and sometimes they are still babies that need our guidance and patience. the indeciveness is totally age appropriate. we keep it down to two choices and after changing her mind twice i tell her that this is the last time and that this choice would stick. that phase lasted about a month. it was annoying but part of growing up. they aren't born learning to walk and they aren't born learning how to make smart choices and deal with the flood of emotions that come with becoming more independant. just like we gently encourage the first we have to gently encourage our children to funtion socially in the world.

Oh my gosh, it's so familiar it's scary! Just last week we went through an entire 4 day stretch (ending w/ me breaking down into tears, on my birthday) of the EXACT same behavior. I have seen it come in peaks and valleys since about age 2 1/2 and now my son is almost 3. All i can tell you is no matter how long it takes to get him to stay in time out, DONT GIVE IN! (Our son is very strong willed.) It's one of the hardest things i've had to do and takes forever some days, but eventually they do get it. I notice that after a couple days like this and us being consistent, he does seem to "get it", and things calm down for a bit. Then a few days/wks later, he tries all over again. It's a battle for control. (Im the mom and i WILL win) My only advice besides consistency is give him choices w/ consequences and DONT argue. As for the indecisive stuff, my son was angry on my bday b/c he didnt want his cake to have chocolate on it, then i took it off and he cried. He didnt want it in a plate, OR a bowl, lol. This sort of thing means he's upset and just doesnt know why. Some times i just have say, "it's up to you, you decide, or you wont get anything" and walk away. Usually after he calms down, he'll make up his mind. Sometimes they dont feel well or are just having and "off day". But dont cater too much to it, b/c alot of it is just to get attention. If you do, he'll expect it all the time and use the temper tantrums to his advantage (they're so smart they know what drives us nuts) Hope this helps, hang in there! Youre not alone!!! (TRUST ME!)

My boy is two and a half, and I am re-reading the Gesell Institute series of books for my three kids. His is "Your Two-Year-Old: Terrible or Tender" They had exactly the situation you described in their book in he first couple pages about 2.5 yo! Want this, want that, want the first thing again! In our house, we have found that most of this behavior has been nipped in the bud (for all of us, Mommy too!) if we eat something every three hours. I find I have the patience to deal with the either/or situations, and we have less tantrums. I find that it is especially important for me to make sure that I am eating and drinking water consistently to keep things running smoothly, even when dieting (maybe especially when dieting!)

We have few time-outs, and I am able to look at the situation and say calmly to my son - "It's past time to eat and we are all a little cranky. Would you like a spoonful of peanut butter and we can try in a little while?" Insert your favorite quick snack for the peanut butter - sometimes a glass of juice, as long as it's not all the time. It's mostly to get his blood sugar up and running so that you can talk calmly about what snack he wants. I learned this from my sister, who has been diabetic since she was 2.5, so we would have a some of these type of tantrums when she was low. A glass of juice, or some similar quick sugar, followed by something starchy and a small protein (like string cheese) in the next twenty minutes would work wonders. If you substitute a piece of fruit for the juice, that's our morning and afternoon snack.

As long as you are providing healthy snacks and food choices, eating 5 or 6 times a day can be very good for you and your kids. Or so it is with our family. Your mileage may vary! :) Have a great day!

I have a stubborn 3yo daugther. We have the same food fights every morning when I have the LEAST amount of time to wait her out! I take a multi-prong approach. First, I allocate at least 30 minutes so that we have time for our fight and time for her to actually eat. Second, I let her choose from a few different meal appropriate foods (no marshmellows or chocolate milk for breakfast!). Once she choses, that's it. I do NOT make multiple meals nor switch for her. That's a life lesson, in my mind - I'm not her servant! Next, I supplement whatever she chose so that she has a balanced meal. From there I start working on either my own breakfast or our lunches and leave her alone. Usually when she doesn't get a fight from me she settles down and eats. When she pushes the food away or throws it (I've managed to break this habit for the most part) - usually accompanied by a "I DON'T WANT THIS!" I simply say, "OK," and take it to throw it away. We went through this twice before she realized that I wasn't playing and stopped that little tactic. Well, mostly. Now, when she sees me coming for whatever she proclaimed she didn't want, she'll hurry up and grab it and say, "I DO want it!"

As for time outs, we rarely need them b/c if I so much as suggest that she's going to get one she attempts to modify her behavior. I do the warning system where I let her know that what she's doing is not acceptable and if she does it again, she will get a timeout. Usually works. As for making him stay in time out you will need to be persistent and not speak to him at all when you put him back in the place. I have a "timeout chair" that I use ONLY for timeouts. She started trying to put her stuffed animals in time out there and I put a stop to it b/c its not a toy. Maybe you can try that - the rule is timeout only occurs there, so if you move, we restart the time. I also put it in a place that's isolated and away from everything but I can still see her. I also set the microwave time so she knows when its over.