DD Refers to Herself as a "Loser"

It seems that she may not value the girls who want to be her friends. She values the popular girls who want nothing to do with her.

Tell her that she is being just as exclusionary.

When she brings it up, ask her "what is it that you wish were different about yourself?" or "tell me, what about you feels like it qualifies as 'loser' material?"

Ask her open-ended questions. This isn't just about your positive perception of her, this is really about her own perception of herself.

I am really short, Deedee. It is *hard* in middle school to be the later bloomer, the one who 'looks like a kid' when all of your peers are trying to differentiate themselves from their parents in wearing more mature styles. I wore a Sears kids size 12 in my freshman year of high school. Most of my peers were shopping at Lerners and other more fashionable places. So, make sure she's getting similar options of clothing choices as her peers and that you aren't accidentally falling into the trap of staying with the larger 'kids' sizes that fit. Move her into some women's petites.

Some of it is typical of our kids to put themselves down in dramatic ways. I think it is our job as parents to sort of suss out what's self-indulgent "I'm no good!" momentary anger at herself for a mistake and what is more troubling, deeper conflict about oneself. It might also be worth having her choose a goal or activity for her own self, that she wants to get interested or do just for her own fun. It sounds like she has worked really hard on her academics; make sure she has balance for using that effort to learn some things which are important or fun for her, too. :)

Have you tried simply asking her about it? Rather than just saying "oh honey you're not a loser look at all these great qualities you have" I think it's important to acknowledge her feelings.
I'm sorry you feel that way, can you tell me why?
Let her talk. Don't try to change the way she feels, instead walk her through her feelings.
The conversation may go like this:
Her-"I feel like a loser because the popular kids don't like me."
You-"That must hurt, what exactly is it about the popular kids do you like?"
Her- "I don't know, they're cool I guess."
You- "Sure, but are they nice, I mean are these kids that you think would actually make good friends?"
You get the idea. It's okay for her to express her feelings, even when they are negative, it's your job to help her process those negative feelings and help her learn how to redirect them into more positive ones.

There was a question on here recently from a mom with a small child - sort of similar circumstances if I remember correctly. I think it's hard feeling different from your peers. And a new school at that age is hard for anyone. But it sounds like she's met some friends and that's great.

I would tell your daughter that over time her little social group will grow. Those are the best kinds of groups. My kids have been part of the bigger popular group and have chosen around your daughter's age to fraction off and just hang out with their closest pals. They aren't losers and neither is your daughter. It's really about being yourself and kids who like you will be drawn to you. It's far easier than trying to fit in.

One of my kids feel social pressure far more than the others. We now have him seeing a therapist who sees teenagers. He's very bright and sometimes gets teased for doing well and he actually tried purposefully screwing up in school to fit in. I think all kids go through something similar at some point. I just found that mom and dad weren't super helpful whereas talking to a neutral therapist has been helpful. She said he had some low self esteem issues (which I think again, are quite common for teens) and she is working on ways with him to feel better about himself.

Does your daughter have activities or hobbies she enjoys? My son is on a team and he likes the camaraderie and working towards goals. That has helped his self esteem and it's totally different than academics where he excels naturally.

If she's not into sports (which is a good way to meet other friends) then another group she could get involved in? It takes their mind off school related pressures too.

One thing our therapist suggested was writing down all the things you like about yourself. And than have friends and family do the same. Or keep a jar and every time you do something you feel was kind for another person, or you did well at a test, etc. then you put a marble in. And when it's full you reward yourself with a treat. Other people can fill your jar too.

May sound silly but it gets the positive messages flowing too. Good luck and keep us posted :)

She's not a loser.
She needs to look at all her accomplishments and reminder herself daily that she does some things very well.
She also needs to look at what she perceives as 'popular' and really figure out what it is she is envious of.
Popular kids have bad days and things they need to work on just like anyone else.
They also have their share of warts, insecurities and personality flaws - some do dope, smoke, steal liquor from parents liquor cabinets.
Her size doesn't matter.
I've known some real powerhouse women who are under 5 ft tall.
Whether they were career oriented or a mother of 7 - they are happy successful people.
Great things can come in small packages!
If she doesn't like sitting at the end of a table - can she sit in a preferred position at another table?
Not following a crowd and doing things your own way can bring it's own sense of satisfaction.
School (middle and high) can be tough.
I lost a lot of friends because they were into boys and sex WAY before I was - and while I felt hurt at the time - being a late bloomer and blossoming in college was really right for me.
I didn't get caught up in the high school drama - and that can be a very good thing.
Get her involved in things she likes to do - a sport or craft or photography or horse riding or Girl Scouts or 4H.
Having opportunities to make friends away from school can help a lot - because if you have friends in a lot of places - it doesn't matter so much what's going on at school.

One thing I've tried to convey to my kids is that their words are powerful. I encourage them not to speak negatively and to find the good in their situation. I ask them every evening before bed, what their favorite part about the day was. I think sometimes thinking negatively becomes a habit and then the habit becomes a rut. Maybe start a notebook where you leave it on her bed and tell her one thing you noticed about her that you love. Or something you notice how she's grown or matured. I have a friend who did that and when her kids left for college they took those notebooks with them.

When my daughter talks negatively about herself, I listen. I ask questions and sometimes I'll say, aren't you glad I don't believe that? Middle school and high school are tough arenas. I've talked to my kids about how this is a growing time and even the cool kids, if you asked them, have times they don't feel cool. They have anxieties just like you. My daughter was floored when "the most popular girl" in their youth group talked about how insecure she feels at times. It really made an impression.

I think letting her know that she's normal to feel inept sometimes but the reality is everyone who is breathing in her school has those same feelings. What are her interests? Maybe joining a group with similar interests where she can shine is a good idea. I also like the idea of martial arts.

Keep her talking, keep listening.

I would encourage her in a couple of areas. First off, "self esteem" comes from one's "self" - so it's nothing you or anyone else can give her. Encourage her to BE the type of person she admires, not just wait for others to admire her.

Be careful not to let her define "loser" by grades alone. Lots of wonderful kids don't get straight As and you don't want her choosing friends just based on that. Look at interests, accomplishments, abilities, talents in many areas - kids on the debate team or in the school play are just as admirable as those with all As. And as school work gets harder, you don't want a kid driven by grades alone.

Take a look at the table of "popular" girls and find out what she admires about them. If they are excluding her or others, and judging people by appearance or degree of outgoingness or whatever, how admirable are they really? Let her know that no matter how small or left out she feels, someone else is smaller or more left out or feeling even less confident. A lot of elementary schools are putting in a "Buddy Bench" where someone can sit if they feel left out or just don't happen to have someone to play with. While that's not going to happen officially at your daughter's age, surely she can look around and see who else is looking for a friend. How wonderful would she feel reaching out to someone who wasn't feeling too confident, and being the one to make the first move?

Encourage her to find an activity or two - perhaps 2 in school (depending on the time commitment involved) and 1 on the weekend. That can include going to the movies or perhaps babysitting or being mother's helpers (perhaps in a team of 2) or dog walkers or something organized through school, rec department or church/synagogue.

Sounds like things are moving well in some areas, so have another sleepover and encourage her to invite one additional girl besides the few she is friends with, so she a) reaches out, b) decreases one other girl's possible feelings of being left out and c) expands her social circle by 1. A few weeks later, try a movie or a few hours at the mall, with the same idea of adding 1 kid. Adding another kid does 2 things - it reduces the likelihood that 2 of the 3 current girls will become so friendly that they squeeze out the 3rd, and it puts your daughter more in the role of being a leader instead of waiting for someone else's approval and acceptance.

Um, she's in Middle School. Most kids feel this way at that age. She's trying to find her way and figure out who she is. It's not easy. Kids really put on appearances and can seem like they have it all together. It's a tough time.

Just keep loving her and supporting her. She needs to know that even she feels insecure, she is safe and loved at home.

Its so hard to get a new school at that age. Most of the kids have known each other since they were very young so the friendships are already formed and solid. If she were mine I'd try to find her "groups" that fit her interests. Youth groups at church? Dance? Karate? As my son would say, "she needs to find a tribe".

My suggestion is not to make a big deal of this attitude. If it were me, when she called herself a loser, I would say something like, "Don't be silly..." and then list a long list of her accomplishments. "That is hardly a loser. Now go call your friends and have some fun."

If she's getting down on her size, remind her of some celebrities who are smaller than average. (You can google that.)

Sometimes, when you make too big a deal of their feelings, this has the effect of dramatizing emotions that should be lightened. So I don't think delving too deeply into this with long, drawn out, solemn conversations would be helpful in this case, where your daughter is so obviously NOT a loser. She is being slightly melodramatic, imo.

I have a 12 year old girl too and she's going through stuff right now and is withdrawn a lot.

I tried talking to her and she just clams up. I think if you sit down with your DD and ask her questions that are leading and not yes or no answers that maybe she will talk to you as to WHY she has that opinion of herself. What makes her feel like that? Who contributes to her feeling like that? What thought loops are going on in her head when she says those things?

I know when I'm sick or just down in the dumps I can find myself thinking loops of negative things. Like "This house is so filthy" when it's not really filthy, it's just gotten really cluttered up, or "I hate my job" when maybe I'm just feeling stressed about a deadline or something. I have to say STOP and then make myself practice saying positive things to replace those thought.

Maybe you can put some notes on her mirror or where she can see them that will help her have good thoughts to think. Change them every few days or week so they don't become part of the background.

Get her involved in Martial Arts. For me it was the best thing I ever did, I became a Black Belt in 2002 at age 47.
The skills you learn, the respect you get and the trophies you earn in tournaments improve self esteem and self respect. Even as an older student, I was the oldest student at my school, I realized I was doing the cool moves you see in movies. Maybe not as gracefully as Chuck Norris or Bruce Lee but I did them. WOW --- I could do anything..!!!!

Girl Scouts! My 7yr old has been a GS for just 2 years now. They talk about so much and do so very much. They help their communities and reach so many goals. Look into them and sign your DD up.

My daughter is extremely tall. She has been at the same school for the last 5 years, so we can no longer say she did not grow up with these kids. She is athletic and just can't really relate to dolls, cheerleading, and all of the frilly girl things that most are attracted to at the moment, however, she understands to each his own. We have bumped up against some issues where the most popular girl in her grade level seemed to be going after her.

I always encourage my daughter to be her own person, don't be a follower, and it is always better to enjoy a good book than to be around people who don't want you there. It took about 3 weeks before she seemed to blend in with a couple of girls and the drama has seemed to subside a bit.

At the same time, she was having a little trouble with a friend of hers where the two couldn't get along. I noticed she was upset so after a few questions and finding out she was called a thief for taking a family heirloom, I walked right up to the dad, asked if they had a minute, and asked the girl if she was missing anything. She said no, so I probed a bit more and she said, no it's at home. I looked at the dad for his satisfaction and he said don't look at me, I don't know anything about it. I then talked them both at the same time about their actions, things they have said to each other, purposely hurting each others feelings, and asked if there was anything so important that they could never be friends again. Both girls stood there speechless, so I pushed for an answer telling them that we adults would like to get on with things without drama every day. They both said no so I urged them both to say goodbye and that we would see them tomorrow. That could have gone really sour, but that dad nodded his head and said he couldn't have said it any better himself.

There are tons of books out there on this subject, some for you, some for her. Good advice on how to communicate your trust in her abilities and how much you value her - things she will internalize. Advice for her on how to handle certain situations and to hear that she's far from alone. A lot of what you're saying is just middle school. Hard to watch our kids go through that, but a part of life. One thing that has helped my same-age daughter is sports and theater. It's this whole other group of connected kids that can offer another perspective outside of the school day, a sense of belonging and achievement. If she has any interests you can pursue independent of school or in an after-school club, I think it's a great fall back when things are rough with another group of peers.
Just got an email from amightygirl.com and thought of you! Check out the website. Tons of great books and info on raising a Mighty Girl:-).

Ask her if she wants to keep pretending to be a loser for much longer. She will probably say "no" or that she is not pretending. Then tell her that she is not a loser and has to stop pretending to be one. Tell her to watch you walk across the room. Walk with your head down, walking slowly, just looking at the ground. Then walk normally. Tell her that you are not imitating her, but showing her that we all have the choice of acting the way we want. If she puts on the act and pretends to be a loser, people will think she is one. If she walks with confidence, enjoys talking to the people at the end of the table, stops describing seats as good or bad, she can start to feel better about herself.

Another way to start feeling good about yourself is to do things for others without expecting anything in return. Is there a program at school for volunteering? Would her teacher like some help after school? (I used to sort papers or clean for a teacher after school before they had after-school care. The teacher loved it!) It always feels good when you are serving others and take the focus off yourself.