Self Esteem for Teen Girls

She needs to find something she is passionate about and excels in. Maybe they can guide her toward some sport or activity she can focus on.

There is no such thing as a teen with good self esteem. I am not sure why people keep trying to create it.

My older daughter was probably the most popular but at least one of the most popular girls in her high school. She has all the student counsel offices to prove it including president. She was popular because she cared about everyone but also because her peers perceived her as strong and self assured.

Live with her! She had just as many blithering idiot, crying that the world hates her, I will never amount to anything, I should just find a guy and buy some cats moments as any other teen! Actually my nerdy son was less dramatic!

My point and advice is explain to her that everyone she is looking at feels exactly the same. Some are just better at hiding it than others and there is no way you can hide your insecurities from yourself. In other words she is the only one who sees her as she does, everyone else sees her as she sees her peers. Think about any random girl in the school. How do you see her, what are her flaws? She sees you the same way.

So much importance is placed on appearance in our society. Google "Dove Social Mission" and surf their website. They have loads of information and their Self Esteem Discussion Guide is very good. It's also good for your niece's mother to see that sometimes our "issues" pass on to our girls.

Encourage her to try new things. Sports, dance, art, volunteering, anything that she is interested in. Realizing she's good at something she never tried before is a huge confidence builder.

Best of luck to you. Your niece is lucky to have you in her corner.

The only resource I know of is good old fashioned love, hugs and attention, you know spending time with her. Maybe find a class that she would like and take it with her, give her the confidence to do something new in a comfortable setting. Maybe she likes to sing, you get her voice lessons. Self -esteem is rooted in "i ma not good enough" there is no book out there that will tell a girl she is good enough...the girl must tell the girl!

And the words "you rock" on all the mirrors in the house wouldn't hurt either.

I have a 14 year old DD too. If she has self-esteem issues, I think they're pretty small. She is not the most popular girl in her HS, nor does she have a huge circle of friends. She has always had a positive attitude and a bit of a "I don't really care what other people think of me" attitude which has served her well. I attribute her good balance to raising her in our Christian church. Once a child or person knows who they are in God's eyes, peoples' opinions aren't as important.

She also has had the benefit of my husband who she is very close to. They have fun together and we all spend a lot of family time together. She gets a lot of attention from my husband and he is teaching her (indirectly) what a good standard will be when she looks for a husband. She doesn't look for attention from boys her age because she doesn't need them to feed her self-esteem. I was raised by a father who was critical of my every move and I always looked to boys for approval. I don't have to tell anyone how bad that ultimately is for a girl's self-esteem.

My daughter is artistic, musical, creative and fun to be around. She helps out with Sunday school for the kids at church and she is involved in our summer Vacation Bible School and other activities where older kids mentor the younger ones. Find what your niece is good at (everyone has talents) and nurture those. If she's up for it, have her try something new. You never know what you're good at til you try. Make sure she's not looking to boys for her source of self-esteem. Letting her know that she's fun to be around or just "awesome" at something helps too. Best of luck.

Miss Representation is a great documentary.

At that age a kid's peers often have everything to do with their self esteem. Sad, but true. Can a family member take her on an amazing trip to another country? What about an Outward Bound kind of course? What about some kind of huge goal like mountain climbing or biking across part of the US or hiking a famous trail (with a group of course)? What is she good at? For example, if she likes art can she get signed up for some amazing art course? If she likes animals can she take her dog to do agility classes or join a veterinarian club? Try to foster her talents and encourage her so she feels proud.

You're a good aunt to want to help her and her parents too!

Is the issue rooted in...what exactly? That could make a difference in how it's best handled. Is she being hassled or even bullied (online or in person) about her looks? Or does she feel that other girls are cuter, thinner, whatever? Then the resources like the Dove initiative below would be good.

Check the web site for the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and search the site for teens, self-esteem, teen girl, etc.

If the issue is "I don't have any friends," my first thought is that she might need some activities outside school that are (1) chosen by her and based on her interests and (2) attended by a group of kids her age but not related to school (especially if school is a source of stress for her) and (3 ) are NOT competitive or based on being the best--they're for fun and for development but not about who is at the top. If she has her "own" thing outside school that she finds interesting and fun, where she is not being rated or graded or judged, and is doing it with other kids who share that same interest -- it allows her to make some friends based solely on a shared interest and not on where they happen to go to school, or who happens to be "popular" or who happens to live on her street or ride her school bus.

Maybe help her parents work with her to find such an activity. Maybe even offer to pay for it yourself if they can't and you can -- make it her "early birthday gift" for this year (or a late one!). She might need rides at times too - can aunt provide that?

If she already is in some activities, it's worth checking in with her to see if she is feeling stressed by them rather than rejuvenated. Especially if they are competitive ones! It's easy to let kids keep doing the same thing and never check in with them on "How are things going at dance/sport/scouts? What do you like or not like so well any more?" and see if they need a change. It's not being a quitter -- it's being realistic that kids change and their needs change with them. But kids who are busy have less time to focus on themselves, which teens do a LOT, so they need something else to distract them at times....

I'd also have her parents read the new book "Brainstorm" which is about how the teenage brain works and how parents and kids can get through the teen years better. I just got it this week and have to read it but I heard the author interviewed at length and it sounds like it could be a huge help. It's not a "here's 10 ways to build self-esteem" book but more of a "here's how your teen's brain is thinking right now and how you can respond in ways that will be helpful and not set off your teen's normal defensiveness or low self-esteem that they can't really help...." !