Daycare and the Strong-willed Toddler

Hi Dawn,

Best wishes to you with your decision that lies ahead. It is never easy making decisions for our kids, and you definitely know your son best. I have to tell you this may not be what you want to hear, but the right choice isn't always the easiest. Sorry  I am curious how often he has melt downs with you at home or in the store? Are their times when he is tested and does not get what he wants? How does he handle that with you and your husband? Do you ever give in to his wants? As a teacher, it is my experience that a child who is doing this with another adult may be ruling the roost at home.

If this is the case or not, he needs to learn now to respect authority before he starts school. This means very strong consequences and no going back on your word. I agree with the others here, he definitely needs structure and consistency. Perhaps more than he is getting at his current daycare. I suggest you continue to work with the daycare lady on some serious plans of action. I have used several positive behavior plans with children that work. That way you can start any day fresh and focused on his good behavior giving him rewards for that... but still when a negative behavior occurs, the care taker must be ready with the consequences. It is crucial that a plan is in place that he understands before the behavior occurs that way everyone is ready and prepared to help him through this tough time.

My sincere best of luck to your family and the success in your son,
AJ

I work from home with my 3 boys, but can relate because 2 of mine have been very high-need. Well, maybe all 3 truly! Anyway, tantrums at this age are very normal and he could still be adjusting. A good book that might help you and the caregiver is "Raising Your SPirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I would think the smaller setting would still be better, but have not had a whole lot of experience with daycare. Mine have all gone to preschool at age 2 in settings with like 10-12 other kids and done well. You might consider that if you can find one with the hours that fit your schedule, especially since he is bright. Good luck!

Hi Dawn,
I can understand you since your story with your son is almost like mine with my girl, now 3y (colicky, tantrums, asking for attention). Although we don’t have family around to spoil her, she used to throw tantrums all the time. Our part time sitter couldn’t handle our daugher, she was trying hard but… We put her in daycare (about 32 months) and everything changed. The structured environment and all the activities helped so much. She loves it, she has so much fun there. Within a few weeks, we couldn’t believe it. She’s asking for school time even during weekends now. We started 3 days a week and soon was 5 days a week for 6 hours. Of course it isn’t easy to find a good daycare, I can’t recommend you any, since I’m moving to Charlotte and need to find one too. Good luck.

I agree with the other mom below. For my spirited 2 year old, structure is ESSENTIAL. My little one was also in an in-home daycare, and although that was wonderful for the first year of his life (I love it that he received the personal one-on-one attention), he needed much more structure as he headed into his twos. He needed to eat breakfast at a certain time, then move into reading, then move into play time, then move into music class, etc. I saw a huge difference in him once structure was implemented. So I suppose you could talk with the in-home woman and see if she could run a tight schedule all day, but if not, start talking with other moms to find a great daycare near you. Good luck! And P.S. - I think you have a great outlook and perspective on his tantrums and trying to find what's best for him.

Dawn, I think I would like to know just exactly what type and degree of 'temper tantrum' you are talking about.

While it is quite normal for a two year-old to test his parameters and push the boundaries of his world, having what you categorize as repeated 'meltdowns' is NOT normal. Inasmuch as he was a colicky baby, you might have, unwittingly, been overprotective of him in the subsequent time and, even at the tender age of 22 months, he may have already developed a personal sense of entitlement and even ownership of you and his environment. What triggers his tantrums? Is it in response to a "No," response to something? If that is the case, is his response one of mild anger and disappointment or is it truly an emotional meltdown? Does the tantrum last for five minutes or is he intent and/or content to wreak emotional havoc for ten or fifteen minutes or longer?

You say the care-giver is, "... wonderful, very sweet, and obviously really loves children," but she "...seems very concerned." Is it possible that she may be more objective about the degree of your son's behavior? What does his grandmother think about his tantrums? If his response is out of proportion to the situations that prompt his displays of pique, I would suggest you may want to talk to your pediatrician about this.

I haven't had time to real the other posts-- just scanned them. But, I have to tell you, moving your son to a more structured environment might be the best thing. I have a "sensitive" almost 5 year old that was with an aupair full-time until age 3-- then he went to a private preschool 3 days per week from 9am-1pm-- it was a great transition for him. The next year, he went 4 days per week and so on. The transition to full-time was a terrible 2-3 months for us (when we got rid of the aupair all together)-- but we went through it and came out on the other side. Everything is much better now (for him and us). I am just so glad I did this for him before I put him in kindergarten full-time (which he won't start until 2009-2010)-- he turns 5 in August and I decided to let him do a pre-K class at his current school -- full day (7:30am-5pm). I believe the transition to a new school for kindergarten will be another bump in the road for us-- but to be honest.... with every "bump" I learn so much about my son and how he interacts with the world. Best of luck.

Mel