Best Friends Buys Everything

A. dont evan wory about it . if you onley gave thema bithday card . that is just fine . if you cant afort moore . so be it. and any way its not the gift that counts. its the thought of it all . so no neet to wory you give what you can . and no you dont sound cheap whats so ever .
B.

I think there are a couple of ways to go on this. It is a huge dilemma because you are caught between not wanting to criticize your best friend and demonstrating your own values to your child. I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." You do not have to feel guilty about this - and you are already spending up to $30 on a gift, which is pretty heavy duty already. You can't control her, but you can control your own behavior as well as your own reaction. First, don't always go overboard with the thanks because your friend is so generous - generosity is NOT defined by purchase price. It's also defined by time, thoughtfulness, etc. I don't mean to suggest that you and your child NOT be grateful, but that the gratitude not be proportional to the price tag. You can also live your own values by refusing to complete, by giving fun things like a "coupon" for a special day with her child, etc. You can teach your children to get excited about such gifts of the heart - say to them, "Look how much thought Johnny put into your gift, coming up with something really special for you" or "What a wonderful gift that Aunt Sally came up with - a day at the beach and an ice cream, just the two of you." Make gifts for others. Be sure, at other parties, you oooh and aaaah over every gift, particularly the small ones or the heartfelt ones.

I refused to get on this merry-go-round of parties when my son was small. We didn't invite 20 kids to a party, and we didn't go to parties of 20 kids. It's ridiculous - I didn't want my child to get 20 (or 30 or 40) gifts on a birthday. I also insisted that he write a thank you note - or that he sit with me and tell me what to say, before he was able to write. "What do you think we should say to Nana to thank her for the toy boat she gave you? How are you going to play with it?" and then I would write down what he said. Even if it was silly, it was still from him! And believe me, if a child has to write 30 thank you notes, he or she really has no clue after a while who gave him what! It becomes a blur, and way beyond what he/she can even process or comprehend. We followed the "age" rule - when he was 4, he could invite 4 kids. When he was 8, he invited 8. Beyond that, he started wanting to do things like go to a movie or bowling, out to a fun place to eat. So we based it on how many could fit in our car. He had more fun than he would have sitting there opening 30 gifts, and the guests had WAY more fun than sitting around watching someone else open 30 gifts! We also never did those over-the-top parties with moon walks and ponies and other outrageous expenses. We had treasure hunts and did old-style games (which the kids didn't know) like potato races and what not - I went to the library and took out old books on party games, and it was so fun!!! I think you can just live and demonstrate your values. That MIGHT mean turning down invitations for ridiculous parties. Your child will survive, and will learn to make decisions. My child never really knew what he was "missing" and he learned to choose his favorite friends, not invite the whole class. When he got older, we had a very sensible bar mitzvah, based on community service and religion with a healthy dose of fun, but very far from the big productions. He turned down invitations from people who worried more about "themes" and "centerpieces" and so on. He DID invite his entire religious school class, because a bar mitzvah is about community, and we scaled down the menu rather than leave anyone out. We had simple favors, not big goodie bags. Our son has strong values, is well liked and extremely well respected, and is a true leader. I think we did some things right. We may have lost a "friend" or two but these were more superficial people. Our son also learned to work hard, not to sit around and expect things to be handed to him - THAT is a huge problem these days.

The other option is to sit your friend down, since you are so close, and tell her how you feel! I think her need to spend is NOT based on what is best for the kids, but is meeting some need in HER. There are NO early childhood experts who will tell you that her behavior has a positive effect on children. It just sets them up to expect handouts and big spending. You can tell her to scale it back, or to limit it to certain holidays. I have older stepchildren who have little kids, and what we do is give them birthday and Christmas or Hanukkah gifts. Period. For other holidays, we send cards and stickers or some little novelty. We also do a lot of "coupons" for a day at the zoo, the museum, the park, a day of crafts, whatever we think the kids will like. My stepdaughter's husband even asked us NOT to overdo it, because he can't stop his mother or his wife's mother -- and he knew we were the ONLY ones who would listen! He opened a closet so full of toys the kids don't even know what's there. He said, "Do you really want to add to this?" I said, "Message received!" We do books or "a day out" gifts. And the children love us as much as they love anyone else! I buy toys at yard sales to keep in my house, and the kids just dive into the toy chest when they come. They couldn't care less about the "latest things".

As kids get older, if they are conditioned to accepting the attentions of the highest bidder, it leads to all kinds of problems. They don't work as hard in school, they don't know the value of work, and they don't do community service. My son now works at Friendly's, and says they have trouble keeping help because too many kids quit after one day because "it's too hard." My son, by contrast, works so hard at his track/cross country training because he knows that the greastest "high" comes from personal accomplishment after a lot of hard work. We've had our issues with him, don't get me wrong - he's not perfect! But schools, colleges and even employers will tell you they have huge problems with kids who feel "entitled" - parents actually call college professors or deans, and even employers (!), asking for Johnny to get an A or for Susie to get a raise, or complaining that Mary didn't like her performance review -- they're called "Helicopter Parents" because they hover even when kids are in their 20s and 30s! These are all kids whose lives were influenced by adults who handed them too much and did too much for them. They don't know how to make decisions, how to function, how to deal with adversity.

IF you sit your friend down, she may be resentful - but you also know her very well so you can decide. But the main thing to do is to stress to your child that their godmother loves them, and that the gifts have nothing to do with the love. It's just something she does,and you do things differently. If your child starts to feel inferior by "only" bringing a smaller gift to a party, then you need to address why your child feels judged by her income or expenditures. The sooner you engage in these types of conversations or short expressions of core values, the better! Good luck!

It's a difficult feeling to fight. Some people seem to think that love is shown by the size of the price tag. The idea is pushed by the advertising industry. Time is more important than stuff. Maybe these people feel guilty about the lack of time they share and are making it up with high price tags.

My children have more than enough toys. I'm thinking of requesting food to donate to our local food shelf for my children's next birthday parties. You could regift the avalanche of presents to those who are in need - ask your local United Way or whoever.

If I were you I wouldn't spend anymore than you already are. They chose to spend what they did. That is THEIR choice. You have your family budget which you need to remain within the bounds of to be responsible to your family. Children really don't mind the price. They only do if they are taught to mind. My friends and I sometimes give each other used presents. It's because they are useable, the child who receives the used present will appreciate it, and it's easy on the wallet. It's from the heart, not the wallet.

Instead of saying "there is no need" say "please don't."

As the GODMOTHER, I love to go above and beyond and believe that is part of my job as the honored adult in that child's life. I do not expect someone to do the same. In fact, I am the Godmother for my best friend's daughter, but not for her son, and I only go above and beyond for her daughter. In fact, you could mention to other people in front of her how it is because she is the Godmother that you let her spoil your child. That will point out to others and to her that being GODMOTHER is why it is happening, and why it is not reciprocated. Don't feel guilty and she probably doesn't feel like you are cheap. I certainly don't feel guilty spoiling certain children--and I feel so honored to have been asked to be the Godmother.

A. - first of all, our consumerist culture is RIDICULOUS, so you are already spending PLENTY. no guilt, no guilt!! it should not be about money or how much we spend!!! that is completely taking the focus away from where it belongs - on expressing love for one another! So please do not let your friend's behavior, or anything else, make you feel bad or feel the need to spend more. Sheesh!!
Secondly - if she really is your best friend and the godmother to your child, perhaps there is a way you can talk to her about this? I mean... in as nice a way as possible, maybe to tell her "listen, I want you to know that I feel incredibly touched by how generous you always are with our daughter, it means a lot that you are so giving. I hope you know that we love your child very, very dearly, even though we can't afford to buy her things all the time the way you do for us. We want her to feel loved and celebrated too, so we're always looking for ways to express that, which are within our budget. You mean so much to us!!" I don't know - something along those lines.
Anyway, I applaud you for not buying in to the materialistic culture, and perhaps when you have a birthday party for your daughter you could do something a bit "alternative" to help the other parents realize that you're not trying to get them to buy her expensive thigns while you are buying cheaper things for their kids (though $30 is pretty pricey in my book!)... like include something on the invitation that says "in sensitivity to the different income levels of her friends, we are asking that people spend $20 or less (there are great gifts for $5, too!) on her presents. thank you for your generosity!" I dunno, just a thought, maybe you can come up with a better idea.
Good luck, A., and great job!!!!
sincerely,
T.

I don't know about buying for other children that you two know in common, but...

If she's your best friend, you should be able to talk to her about your own child. Can you say to her that you are really appreciative of all of the gifts, and at the same time it makes you feel badly that you can't afford to give as much as often to her kids. You could tell her again that she shouldn't feel obligated to buy gifts for your daughter for every occasion, and if she wants to buy something, it need not be pricey. Some people just like giving gifts, and if she wants to, than she should be able to. On your end, it's simply not a financial reality. I think that if you explain that the gift giving really makes you feel bad because you can't reciprocate, she'll cut down.

If you are seeing that she goes above and beyond for other children besides your own, I think that you are just seeing how she expresses her care and concern for children in general. I also don't think that she or anybody else expect you to follow her lead. If you feel like you want to do something for her children but don't have the funds to, you could always send a card to commemorate the lesser holidays. You say that you already tell her that these gifts are unnecessary, so that is all that you can do. A gift is a gift. Those are the best presents indeed--when the giver does not feel an obligation, but rather a joy in giving the present itself.
You do not mention the age of your daughter. Depending on how young she is, you could always put some of those gifts away after your friend has gone for a "rainy day." Just a thought. I sometimes do that with gifts my children have received--especially when they are not what I consider appropriate for either their age/our home, whatever.

Relax and declare a non-compete clause. There is no need for you to worry about what anyone else spends on b-day or other gifts. If your little one is her god child, she may feel that buying gifts for special days is part of her role. Unless you are her child's god parent (and even if you are) you shouldn't feel like you need to reciprocate. I prefer to think much less about how much I spend and put the thought into getting something I know the birthday child will really enjoy and remember who gave it to them. Kids don't really know about the pricing of things anyway, they just remember the gifts. If you are really concerned about giving her child something when she gives your child something, do some cute little hand made things like magnetic photo frames with a special picture of the two kids together or a bracelet with the child's name on it. OR even take the two kids to play mini golf or to the park instead of a gift. The gift of your time is the most valuable of all! But really, I wouldn't even worry about it for another minute. If she is y our best friend, she is not standing in judgement of your spending habits. $10-30 is PLENTY!!!

Hi A.,
It is hard to compare with what other parents are doing. But, I have noticed that people buy gifts for different reasons. Sometimes it makes them feel good, or they want to see the surprise on your face or your childs face. I think you have to keep doing what you are doing. There are limits in everything we do. If you can't go above and beyond-- that's ok. You could also say, you know we have so much, I'd really like to limit gifts to just birthdays and Christmas. Or, I'd feel more comfortable if we limited gifts to just birthdays and Christmas. Otherwise things just get out of hand. You also end up with a lot of things you don't want and don't use. I'm finding I need to do a major purge at my house of all the toys we don't need or have outgrown. It's hard to deal with a mountain of toys and it's also hard to keep up with the task of going through things!
Good Luck with your gift giving!

Dear A.,

I would not worry about matching your friend's gift-giving practices. Everyone acts different in the gift-giving area, as it is very personal, and I don't think she'd have higher expectations from you. I hope sharing my personal experience serves you as advice. I grew up receiving gifts from my godparents a few times a year, and now doing the same for my godson, nieces and nephews comes natural. Myself, I may be a little bit like your friend in that I can't help to give gifts on special occasions, especially to children. I find it fun and exciting. Where I come from it’s sort of a grandmotherly/godmotherly thing to do and it is not understood excessive. However, the gifts truly do come from my heart and I don't expect in return that their parents do the same for my children. You sound greatly appreciative towards your friend’s generosity and that is plenty in return. Regarding how much you spend on gifts: Don’t worry either, it’s the thought that counts and you sound very thoughtful. A kind person won’t count and add up the cash you spend in gifts every time, and those people who do are not worth worrying about, so rest easy. One more thing regarding the cash value of gifts, and I can say this because I make and sell inexpensive keepsakes: Sometimes personal gifts are more meaningful than expensive ones. For example, a framed photograph of the child might be better appreciated than a toy. You can find really cute kids’ frames for under $10.00 and what you give is your time and thoughtfulness. This type of gifts can touch their heart in a deeper way than a store-bought item. It’s not just about money. Let me know if I can ever be of help making personalized gifts for the people in your life. These are thoughtful and meaningful gifts under $20 and $30. Thanks. http://www.mercadventures.com/embroidery.htm

You can only control what you do, not what your friend thinks of it. You should be more concerned with what you're teaching your child than what she thinks of you - you are teaching your child that a small, thoughtful gift is appropriate and that you don't have to spend alot of money to be nice - and if you are constantly trying to keep up with someone else, it just leads to more materialism. Stick to your guns! =)
M.

Hi,

I am a mom of two very active and demanding boys (5 and 7 yrs. old). If I gave in every time they wanted something from the store, I would have my home filled with all sort of things. I don't think it is a good idea to let kids think that they should expect gifts/toys for every holiday or every month. They should appreciate people for who they are, not for the amount of gifts they receive from them. I would recommend to have an honest conversation with your friend and maybe explain to her that you want your kids to learn the value of things and when and how to deserve them. We all have a budget and I prefer to spend the money taking the kids to a game, the movies or an instructive class. Maybe you can recommend her to rather invest in time with your daughter. I hope this helps.
BTW, Happy Mother's Day. :)
A. T.

Hi A.,

I think she does what she does because she wants to. I'm sure she doesn't expect the same from you. I wouldn't feel guilty about what you do and she is your best friend, I'm sure she knows you well. : )

A.,

In one word, NO you do not have to keep up with your friend. Don't forget to say thank you for the gifts she gives you.

Her finances are her responsibility and your finances are yours. It's that simple. Good Luck.

J. L.

If you have let her know and she still does it, let her - she really wants to! If you don't get as much for her child, she can back off if she wants to.

I send crafty things I've made to my nephews all the time and I really don't expect anything in return, just maybe a phone call occasionally :)

Let her enjoy herself and don't stress over it!