Daughter Not Wanting to Wear Appropriate Clothes

Dear J.,
The below is from devotions I get from "Parenting tips." This is from today. Wow, God speaks! Sometimes, you just have to "Be Still and know He is God" and then you will hear his voice. We become overwhelmed and consumed with what will happen next? Because of this, we can't clear our minds and make decisions. So dear J., Be still for now. Listen to his voice. Your actions(love walk) will reveal more than your words right now. You plant the seed and it will grow. I sometimes stand in the hallway when my boys are sleeping and pray and I thank God that they are victorious, restored, redeemed, renewed and that they will love what God loves, and that they will soar like the eagles. Speak it as if it where so and it will come to pass. Also, stay in the word and find your own scriptures and place your children's name in what ever you see fit. I have already seen the fruit, but it's a process. So in the meantime, clear your thoughts and Be Still and than you will know what you know. Be blessed and know you do not walk alone, the great I AM is right by your side. Matthew 7:7

August 14, 2008

The Real Issues are Harder to See

Parents who only focus on behavior change are devastated when their children reveal unresolved issues of the heart as they grow older. The child who steals the family car, the unmarried girl who gets pregnant, or the teenage boy who starts using drugs have one thing in common: a heart problem that's developed over a long period of time.

The heart consists of thoughts, intentions, motivations, desires, and fantasies. Children play out foolishness in their heart long before it comes out in their actions. Many parents discipline with a two-step process. First, they see wrong behavior and second, they use a number of techniques to get their child to do what's right. Behavior is changed, but the heart isn't addressed. A good discipline process requires two more steps, making four altogether.

First, identify the wrong behavior. For example, your daughter begins to complain when you ask her to help with the dishes. Second, identify the dishonoring heart issue. Maybe she has a problem with anger or doesn't handle instructions well.

Third, identify the honoring heart issue needed. She could develop flexibility, giving a few minutes to be helpful. Then, fourth, the right behavior grows out of the honoring heart issue. She could help with the dishes without complaining, or respectfully discuss an alternative. With these four steps, instead of two, you can address what's going on below the surface—a more complete discipline that teaches children about their hearts.

Giving a consequence isn't the end of the parent's responsibility. Sometimes a consequence just gets the child's attention, allowing the parent then to address deeper heart-related issues. Talk about the underlying motivations and the deeper issues. Helping children change their hearts is harder, but that's where the lasting change takes place.

This is a tough one in that, perhaps she just is comfortable in her home and it doesn't occur to her that she is flashing anyone. I would just ask her if she is aware of her lack of modesty.
I am sorry that your family is not going to church with you as often as you would like, but I think the more you force the issue (particularly with a teenager) the less likely they are to do it.
i say, even though she is your baby, try to talk to her more often, respecting her as a young adult to ask her what's going on, ans assure her that she is loved, but her behavior is causing a lack of trust.

Hi J.-

I think you've gotten some great advice so far. I was wondering though about the fact that there is a baby in the house. It could be a combination of normal teenage rebellion along with the fact that she is fighting with a younger sibling for your attention and has learned that this is the way to get it (even if it is negative attention). Try to give your daughter as much one on one time as you can doing positive things with her that will help to build her self esteem.

I don't know if this is something that she would have any interest in or not, but in the past year I have become a HUGE supporter of martial arts training for children. I have a 6 year old with Asperger's and a 4 year old with an attitude and both have been in Taekwondo for a year now. At first I thought all of the instructors talk about teaching respect and honor and self control was never going to happen with my kids...I just wanted them to learn a little self defense and get some exercise but the change in them has been amazing. They really do get it! If you can do it, it's something that is truly worthwhile.

Good Luck,
K.

Honestly, this is not a mountain that you can climb yourself. And I don't think it is even a religious issue. She needs her father to shape how she wants to be seen by the opposite sex (and hence everyone eles who might see her), what is attractive and what isn't, and to direct her self-esteem. Right now, it apepars her self-esteem in regard to her attractiveness is based on the shock value of inappropriate clothes and how boys respond to it. This is when girls need their fathers--She just isn't going to respond to her mother's opinion. And this isn't something that can be straightened out in 1 or 2 talks with her dad... She needs to strengthen her friendship with him in such a way that his opinions become noteworthy and can sway her from the "I'm a tart" dressing habits she sees from the Paris Hiltons of our day.

I don't know how much 1-on-1 daddy time she has. During my teenage years, I didn't have a close relationship with my dad and I think that was the main reason I made dumb girl mistakes in regard to the boys I dated, low self esteem, etc. Fortunately, my relationship with him improved in my late teens and I gained more self confidence and made better choices.

If your daughter doesn't have a really solid relationship with her father, then it might take repetitive efforts and concerted planning of 'dad & daughter events' to help foster a relationship that can become a significant influance on her perspectives and values.

You mentioned that your husband doesn't see Sunday as a religious day... but that doesn't mean he can't view it as 'family day' (or daddy & daughter day)... fishing trips, camping, throwing the ball with her, going to movies and discussing the films with her... and after a while, hopefully he will feel comfortable enough to **TAKE HER SHOPPING** and she'll be more receptive to his comments on her clothing choices.

I would take her to a child counselor. If you have insurance, you can check to see if they pay all or a portion of it. It is worth the time and money. She can speak to the counselor in private and get to some real issues with her. Then you can speak to the counselor. It really helped my son. We had a lot of teen issues that were not resolved at home so we took counseling. It is important that you do it now before the rebellion gets any worse. At that point, I do not see a whole lot more you can do other than reinforcing your option at home. I would tell her that she should not show her body. She wants to preserve that image for the man she marries. Not for everyone to see.

J.,
You have a lot of responses here and I was not able to go through all of them. You said that you are a Christian so I have to say that this is a CRUCIAL time for you to get her involved in a Church that has a good youth program. Once she gets involved and makes friends in the Church, her attitude, behavior and appearance will change. It's important for her to have strong Christian friends. Peer pressure is big at this age. This is getting to the root of the problem. You may have to pray that God will help you find the right church for you. I will pray for you.

Many Blessings

You have a lot of responses so I will try to make mine short and to the the point. 1. Is the baby by your husband and the she by a different man? Either way if they are one day apart by birthdays, this year her birthday was taken up all by baby fuss. Her acting out could be for attention. Spend time with her only. Leave the baby, dont check on the baby just J. and daughter time. As far as god, pray pray and pray. Dont force it on her but let her see you act in a godly way. Giving thanks and praise, if she is rebelling she won't want to accept what you are doing but the foundation will be set. Try to find a church that has fun youth activities other than sundays and have "cool" kids. Alot of churches want to adhere to certain "christian" principles and dont like more modernized music but you have to appeal to these teens when they have so many other options. Another thing is the pattern has been set about her showing underclothes, i had to start with my daughter at 4 and let her know ladies clothes their legs when wearing a dress, etc. even to the point now my daughter doesn't like to wear dresses because she says she will have to sit like a lady. You know your daughter better than anyone what reaches her, who does she look up to. you dont want to constantly ram all she is doing wrong, religion and everything because it may make her feel like she is always doing wrong and of course that new baby can never do wrong. you have to be creative, let her know you lover her but will not tolerate disrespect to you or herself. sorry so much for this being short.

Religion has no part in this. You have to get control of your children by age 2 or it is just plain hard to change them. The one thing we did with our children was teach respect for others including the parents. And I might say everywhere we go people talked about how nice and helpful our children are. However, I can understand what you are going through and sometimes it is who the child is hanging around with. My daughter tried the talking back rude and I put my foot down right then and there and it stopped. But I do allow my children to respond back to me there side of the story. I treated them with respect and listen to what they had to say.

J.,

Yay for you keeping God your focus; Pray for your daughter...prayer is the best thing you can do. There is a wonderful book by Stormie Omartian called The Power of a Praying Parent and it is awesome (she also has a book called The Power of a Praying Wife which you might like to read as well). My husband and I both believe in these books as well as spending time in the bible! Pray and ask God to guide you and He will!

Best of Luck,
S.

One of the main things I have found in dealing with teenages is that they are assurred you accept them the way they are. Make sure she knows she is accepted and loved, maybe not liked all the time but loved. It's normal for Parents and children to not like each other all the time but love each other all the time. Instruct her that God made her and everyone in his special image and that it's important that she protect that image. If her interest is increasing in boys, as it should, since that is normal, let her know that saving herself for "that special someone" AFTER marriage is high on the list of priorities. Ask her if she had a bottle of water and it said 98%pure mineral water and 2% sewer water would she drink it. Her answer would naturally be "no". Then tell her that is what she should want for herself 100% pure.

Pastor's wife, former youth leader and mother of 2 and grandmother of 3 granddaughters, ages 17 and 12 y/o twins.

cant say anything about the regigious stuff but I can tell you if you want her to start wearing her clothes right you can buy long sleeve shirts or turtle necks and pants then take out all her other clothes for a couple of weeks. Let her know that it is not acceptable in this house to dress the way she is dressing. After a couple of weeks put her clothes back in her room and if she dresses wrong again then take the clothes away again.

My mom and dad did this to my sister and to me and we learned how to dress right really fast.

As for the rudeness: squirt bottles lol catch people off guard. let her know that she is not allow to treat you or anyone else rudely. set it up to where each time she is being rude she has to do at least 1 hour of community service with your church.

I was rebellious in the same way as a teen. Looking back, I know that if I had more attention from my father, I wouldn't have been seeking it from boys. Encourage your husband to spend special time with her everyday. If she is loved and respected by him (and she knows it) she will be less likely to seek that out from boys her age.

Pray! Pray! Pray! I have a 16 year old son and I'm dealing with the disrespectful attitude, peer pressure, and the whole nine yards. It started around the same age as your daughter. You may suggest counseling or do like I had to do, take her on a reality check. I have actually had to have an officer come out to my home just to scare him up a little. She's just going through teenage changes it's nothing prayer can't change. Remember through all the tough times try to keep your relationship with your daughter open. Make sure she understands that she can talk to mother about anything.

I am a first time mom and I worry so much about that my lil on is only 3 and already talks back i have no clue what I am doing wrong. this is just my advice you dont have to take it but when I was younger scared straight always seemed to work on me maybe give her a few scenarios on child molesters and rapists that way she knows that wearing the revealing clothes only tempts them more as ppl like that dont need much to hurt a little girl. and tell her this from me if she really wants people to like Her then wouldnt it make more sense to be YOURSELF. dont hide behind fads.

Please hear me when I say that I am not judging you, But... the bible says not to be un-equally yoked. That means one a christian and the other not, but there is good news here.. the bible also says that because of your faith, your husband will come around and be saved as well, unless he leaves the marriage. it says that you are not to leave it. And of course if you got saved after you got married , that would make you unequally yoked but not by choice. PHEW... all that being said, you say that you are restictive, but I don't think that preventing your 12 yr old from showing her under garments is restrictive! Parents are supposed to lay down the rules, and some are non-negotiable...one of which should be church! If you are an active christian then I am assuming that you go to church regularly, and there should be no choice in whether or not your children go with you. You may not be able to get your husband to go and your daughter will try to use that against you, but you just tell her, that dad is a grown up, and it's not your job to make him do anything, but it is your job to provide boundries and rules for her and to stick to them! So what if she argues and puts up resistance, be firm and don't allow for excuses or special occaisions and eventually she will get it! she has to go , period! The Word says that if you bring up a child in the way they should go that they will follow it all the days of their lives. I am greatful that my mom made me go to church, even though I didn't always appreciate it. Now I have a good strong foundation to live by, and my relationship with the Lord is stronger than ever. Set rules...you cannot wear anything that shows your underwear or bra, and no skirts or shorts that you can't bend over like a lady in. and she has to go to church. she is only 12, set those boundries now, or you will never have the daughter that you long for and neither will God! Take care, and many blessings to you.

J.,
God gave us women but 1 job in our lives which is to raise respectful,responsible young people with integrity. I recently went through s simular deal with my 18 yo son with dyslexia. He wanted to know why I was so hard on him and his friend's parents were not as hard.
I did a 180 on him! I told him that God gave me one job in live when he gave me him as a baby which was to be your mommy; to protect you,educate you,teach you to have values & be responsible for yourself in life. If I don't do what I think is right now then when I get to the pearly gates I will suffer. I am not prepared to suffer at God's hand so you must suffer the consequences I bring down on you now because I have walked in your shoes and know what path you must take in life to be a wonderful person inside and out! If you choose to do the wrong things while you live with me then you will suffer the consequences I reign. If you try to do the right thing(which I say) then I will help you with your journey to your goals and make you a wonderful person. If you make bad decisions then you will suffer not only from me but from your own conscience and God will punish you. (when something bad happens to one of her friends then I use that as a example...see God knows she did something bad so she is being punished(even if you have not idea) it's the law of karma which she does not know yet! Teach be example so she can see the suffering her friends are enduring and maybe not want to go through it herself.
I have found with 3 boys it is best to have friends over so you can interact with them, they will tell you everything that goes on with your daughter if you ask in a concerned round about way, they know no differt.
I hope this opens your eyes so your heart does not have to hurt!
K.
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I'm not sure I'll be of much help but I'll try. I have a 15 yr old that, Praise God, is a blessing. I started her dressing appropriately at the age of 3, her first "big" word was inappropriate. Media and clothes makers are not helping parents by providing provocative clothing for our children. That said......when I shop with her we 1st take a deep breath and 2nd agree to compromise. She knows that certain things will not be acceptable.....low cut--super short or super tight. Like some of the other suggestions, her father and older brother have a great deal of input on how she is allowed out of the house. This summer she did ask that she stop being dressed as a "nun." So I allowed her to try on a "sexy" top. Then I asked her......are you ready for the attention that type of clothing will bring? Even though her thoughts on wearing it were not provocative they did provoke too old of an image. I am very blunt, very open with her and in return she is very open with me. I have shown her where loose behavior will lead and teen pregnancy is not a life she wants.

I guess my advise is to talk calmly with her, stay consistent with your expectations and make sure she respects herself. Dad does play a huge role in a teen girls life.

i don't think modesty has anything to do with whether or not your daughter goes to church. modesty is just a value that is taught to children by their parents. you're in charge of buying her clothes, so only buy modest clothes! if you catch her wearing something you don't approve of, tell her to change and take the clothes and take them to goodwill. if she walks around the house in her underwear, buy her a bathrobe and tell her she has to be decent outside of her room. if she doesn't comply, punish her however you normally would. if you think she's changing into something you don't approve of at school, start showing up on random days/times at school and see what she's wearing.
make sure to let her know up front what is acceptable or not. i think as long as shirts are covering her torso and not showing cleavage, shorts with at least an inch of inseam, etc. you should let her pick out her own clothes WITHIN the guidelines.
hope this helps...just going off my own experience being a teenager =)

I sure am no authority, but I have a little hope to share, anyway. I too was super-energetic and chaotic as a kid, and grew up oblivious to the impact I had on others. I assumed for a long time that this was all to do with some ways I was treated abusively as a kid, but now that I have a daughter who is equally oblivious to the reactions of folks around her, I realize that there were other factors at work that just dissociation. As a teen I had very low self esteem and had no idea I was beautiful or even attractive, so I gave no thought at all to how much of my body I displayed. Once, when I was probably nineteen or so, I hitch-hiked from the Chicago area all the way down the state of Illinois only to have someone point out when I reached carbondale that the seat of my overalls was ripped out! That actually DID make me feel ashamed. Anyway, I was unable to connect my chaotic dress and behavior with the disappointing experiences I was having with boys and men for many years, and only when I started graduate school in Austin, where it is very, very hot, did I finally ask other women I trusted what they did to stay cool but avoid being ogled by men on the street. They advised me to buy sports bras, and since then I have dressed appropriately (well, at least I think so!). My own daughter seems equally oblivious, and it seems connected to a larger pattern of not noticing how people are reacting to her socially. I think that both she and I probably have some sensory integration disorder thing where we just aren't attuned to subtle or even not-subtle cues that people around us are uncomfortable, impatient, confused, or whatever. For myself, I am reassured not only when I look at my own life but when I look at other women in my family (thank goodness, as an adoptee, that I found my birth family!) that we all tend to be disconnected in this way as kids, to "live in our own little worlds," and to integrate with the larger world much more gradually than most people. I also believe I wouldn't be an English professor if I hadn't had that weird disconnect that made me so fascinated with and unable to make sense of other people's reactions so that I had to come up with my own, complicated theories to explain human behavior, which made me a much more complex (if very odd) thinker!

I don't know what all this adds up to, but maybe reading up on Sensory Integration Disorder might give you some approaches to connect your daughter to the sensory world around her and to help her get cued in. I hope it at least suggests that while she may be disconnected from certain social cues, that this isn't a moral issue, although it certainly can have moral implications -- but it would surely be best if you could see her carelessness with her dress as obliviousness rather than immorality. I think the folks who know a lot about this tend to be occupational therapists -- if you are concerned enough, perhaps have her evaluated by one. I am able to be light and breezy about my own sensory disconnect when I was younger, but the world was an extremely chaotic place for me for a long time before I was able to put the gaps together for myself and with the help of therapists as a young adult, and the teen years are especially dreadful because one is far too proud to even begin to admit, to oneself or anyone else, that things that make sense to others are completely incomprehensible. At 12 maybe she's still young enough to get some support to help her get through the teen years with a bit more poise...

Best wishes!
M.

Hi, J.

Let me start off by saying that I am ADD too. Growing up was hard enough but I remember feeling very impulsive and not thinking things through carefuly. I would say things that I really didn't mean just because I didn't think it through. Try not to get in to power struggles with her but remain calm. When my daughter(9) speaks disrespectfully I tell her honestly. I say," that hurt my feelings or please don't call me that I don't like it" I try to defuse situations with humor. If I can get her laughing I have a much better chance of her not getting an attitude with me.
As for the clothes, this is one of my pet peeves. Clothing companies start sexualizing clothes from age two and up! I told my daughter that boys are visual creatures. They are destracted by their eyes. If you wear something too sexy, you are doing them the diservice of ever getting to know you from the neck up. I also have conversations with her about preditors. I told her that Sexual preditors are out there and the last thing that you want to do is make your self in to easy prey! I try to make it not a big sit down boring conversation but just something that we talk about. "wow did you see that dress it was so pretty but didn't you think it was too short?" or "Look at they way she is dressed, She looks so pretty with out having to show off any of her stuff"

About church, Now is the time to start going to church. IF your children are not excited about the church you are attending maybe you need to shop around. When I was a kid I never went to church be cause the big one my mom was going to intimidated me. We found a small neighborhood church and joined when I was 13 and now MY children are going there too. Or it could be the other way around. Your daughter may want a larger one that offers more youth programs. Make it something that you do together. Go out to lunch some where fun after wards. Make a mother Daughter Bonding Day out of it!

This is a hard one, for the "kids" these days are swimming in moral corruption. This style of dress is HER culture (TV, school, malls) and is a social norm for her. The ADD side will certianly make decreasing this harder. Start small and roll forward. Choose a goal (small one) and work on that first. For ex: the bra hanging out. Focus on getting her to obey the rule of no boobs/bra straps hangin out. That way, as you work on her overall dressing style, she does not feel like you are "attacking" her entire style of dress. Set 2-3 FIRM BOUNDARIES (no panties, boobs, bra straps) and show her your are willing to go with the flow a little on the rest.
Just a thought...blessings to you
RL

Keep talking to her. Casually, seriously, every chance you get. She may act like she's not listening, but she is. I'm a pastor's daughter and was brought up in a strict Christian home. I was also rebellious. But, the Word and my parents' words never left me. My parents always talked in front of me about things and to me about things. I always knew where they stood on all sorts of subjects. They made conversation a point (tv, etc. has to be limited to do this). The Bible says that if she's taught correctly, she will return! Pray hard for her first. Pray hard for yourself that God will give you abundant wisdom in dealing with her. Sit her down and have a real heart to heart about your fears for her. But, then don't nag her about it. Be consistent in your household rules and the consequences. But discipline in love and with much explanation - not anger or shock or disgust. Keep reasoning with her, keep talking! She's listening. She just has too much pride to admit it or let you know it. Trust in His Word. Keep it casual most of the time and don't push her away. Be willing to compromise on some issues - but whatever you do - don't give in too much where it counts - like modesty.

First off i feel for you.Kids these days think parents know nothing, don't understand, are nerdy, the list goes on. If you don't get a hold on her now you could loose her to drugs, drinking, and more.You must be strict in this day and time. You let her know you are the adult and she will abide by your rules.It seems now a day kids have little respect of others.She may not like you now in her mind but once she is older she will thank you for setting rules for her. I am no expert i raised a son and daughter and now raising 4 of my young Grand Sons.My daughter gave me the most grief It was not a pretty picture. We got along great untill she didn't get her way. I learned one thing when you ground a child don't send them to their rooms, That's not being grounded tv's xbox, play station, mp3 players etc. Have them to do chores clean the house, do yard work, It won't hurt them.If more parents would be harder teens would think twice about being mouthy and geting into trouble.Oh and as far as her clothes your money buys them you can controll what she wears. We're not on this earth for a popularity contest we're here to surrvive and teach our children the same. I wish you the best don't be afraid if you are strict you will loose her that is no more than a game she will use against you. Allways remember spare the rod spoil the child.

J.,
The best thing you can do for your daughter at this rebellious age,if you can afford it or if you have an insurance that can provide the service is Military School.I've heard alot of good out comes.It teaches children who refuse to obey authority to respect.If you don't or can't control her now it only gets harder as they continue their teenage years.Really consider it.
T.

Hi J., Someone much wiser than myself once said, society would enforce rules to change a person's behavior, but The Lord would change a person from the inside out and then they would change their own behavior. Young people (like everyone else) want to have a sence of belonging to something bigger than themselves. When someone knows who they really are, a child of God, and are surounded by activities & friends that know the same thing, they begin to act like it. You can be respectful of your husband's indifference and still teach correct principals to your family. If any of this makes sense to you, please contact me at ____@____.com I would love to discuss this with you further. I'm a mother of 5, and a young grandmother of 12...& I don't bite!
Hugs,
karen

J. -

Being the parent of a teenager is much harder than most people think. I have a step-daughter who is 13, who fits the description of your daughter to a "t"~!!

For one thing, her father and I WILL NOT purchase items for her that don't preserve modesty. Her Mother, cousins, others may purchase some things for her that are inappropriate(low-cut, skimpy, etc.), but she is not allowed to wear them in our home, or bring them to our home. If the clothes in question are brought on her visits, they are confiscated and disposed of. She has for the most part phased out those items in question on her own. She knows the consequence.

Also - we have made it a POINT to comment her when she wears things that are becoming for a young lady her age. She is much more responsive to that than she was when we would berate her all the time.

When we go out as a family, we make sure to inconspicuously point out random people that are dressed or acting inappropriately to our daughter. We have her pay attention to the way that others perceive that person...what they say, their body language, etc...and ask her if she thinks it would make her feel good about herself if someone spoke to her/treated her the way that the random person we pointed out is being treated because of the way they were dressed or the way they acted. Her answer is ALWAYS a heartfelt no - she wants to be respected and loved.

Now if we can just get her to realize that SHE should try and influence her friends for the better, instead of following their lead on how to act, talk and dress....we will be set!

Hi J.,
Your daughter sounds just like me.... oh the things i put my parents through. I swear the only reason I turned out good was because of my parents vigilance (sp). They always had to meet my friends (and usually the parents) before I could go anywhere with them. This helped keep me a little farther from my "bad" friends. I'm really glad my parents did this because most of these people are not people I would want to know today. One thing I can say is that they would give me just enough rope to hang myself. They would let me make some of my own decisions, but when I messed up I sure was in for it. One thing I do recommend that they didn't do is to check up on her. If she says she's spending the night at a friends call at a random time just to make sure she's there. I was an expert at saying I'm staying here and running off somewhere. Also if she's going to the "movies" either check to make sure she's there or if you drop her off circle back by to make sure she didn't get in a friends car and drive off. But, most of all don't just talk to her really listen and try hard not to judge. If she feels like she can confide in you then she's more likely to come to you about her problems and whats going on. You sound like a really concerned mom and I'm sure you will do fine!

Children will be children and they can and will do only as much as we allow. Show her a lot of love and concern for her feelings and desires. Get as close to her as you can. This is the age and times when she will need you most, even though she certainly does not think so. The both of you should choose her clothes, together. Make a special day of shopping with just her and you. Don't let her shop with her friends, especially since you say she is easily influenced. After all, you are the one paying for these clothes, right? Don't spend your money on things you do not like, or that you both have not agreed upon. Lovingly support her, but strongly discipline her. She and the clothes are yours and ultimately you are responsible.

I don't think it is too late, start to build or begin rebuilding her confidence in herself. Make her know that she is beautiful (I don't care what she actually looks like, in the clothes and the hair, etc., for now.) Give her a sense of pride in herself and tell her she is LEADER not a follower!

It will take some time and effort, but your little girl is worth it. And, when she is older, she will thank you. I have two (2) adult daughters now, and I am seeing the fruit of my labor.

Continue to pray. Also, she might be jealous of the baby and the time that you spend with him/her. Start to do girls day out with your 13 yr old. Go to the movies, lunch, dinner, mall, etc. Stress to her that you love her and want her to be the best that she can be at whatever she does. Also, anytime we disapprove of our children's friends, that is when they gravitate to them. Don't say anything negative about her friends. Let her see for herself that they are not good for her. As far as her attire aroudn the house, let her know that is it not lady like to expose herself or at least have respect for others. If that doesn't work, just ignore her actions, however, don't let her be disrespectful in any manner. I am all for spanking, taking away privileges, etc... Also, continue to take her to church and invite her friends to join you.

Hope this helps with your daughter. If you wanna talk just email me back. I would be interesting in knowing how it is going.

FYI... I too have gone through something similiar with my daughter when she was becoming a teenager. She just didn't know where she belonged. Glory be to God that she is maturing somewhat, but it is still a struggle sometimes. She will be 23 in November.