About 6 months or so ago, my 16 yr old son entered the "goth" phase. It scares me. He dresses completely in black, wears these fishnet type arm bands and I recently discovered that he was wearing mascara! When I question him about what goth is he tells me that it focuses on depression and death and it's "who he is." We began family counseling and the physiologist told me that I needed to put my foot down and just tell him that it is not acceptable. She says that given his history (he was hospitalized last June for depression) it is not healthy for him because it feeds it. We agreed that for just 2 days a week he would give up his goth style of dressing. However, once we left the office he informed me that he was going to dress any way that he wanted and there was nothing I could do about it. Just before he went into the hospital he got physical with me and pushed me down, so he knows I am physically afraid of him. After every argument he comes to me crying, telling me he is very sorry for the terrible things he's said. My 24 yr old daughter says it's simply a phase and I am over reacting, but I don't agree. I am so tired of arguing and crying and just don't know where to go anymore. Thank you for any help you can offer me.
I got so many responses that it's impossible to answer each of you individually, but I want to thank every one of you from the bottom of my heart for all of your wonderful responses. I got so much great advice and I am trying a good bit of it. To answer some of your questions, yes, he is on medication. He takes 40 mgs of Prozac daily and besides the two of us seeing the family therapist, he also sees a male therapist by himself. I never ask about their sessions except to ask if they were good of not. Over this past weekend he and I had a very good talk; I had learned that he has been writong songs and although while very talented, it is clear that he is crying for help. They were all about death, cutting and dying. But he showed them to me willingly and I told him that it showed huge trust in me. I have decided to not focus on his dress any longer but to try and find the root of the problem. My husband died 6 years ago and yes, he is still having a huge problem dealing with it. I know that he feels alone and has told me that his "goth" friends accept him the way he is. I realize that is what I have to do as well. We used to be regulars in church, but my spinal disease has made it impossible for me to sit through a service and I really hate sending him alone. He is alone so much of the time anyway. Besides, I doubt that he would be receptive to going alone. I am going to try and find some outlet where he can help others. Before all this began he was such a caring, loving person and truly cared more for others than for himself. He has expressed to me that he knows that he is causing me a lot of grief and that makes him sad. He said that was not his intention but he can't seem to help it. He knows that stress is the worst thing for my disease and he told me just the other day that he was afraid that he was going to be the cause of my death. I assured him that I could take it but that my biggest fear was that I was going to find him dead. I asked him point blank of he wanted to die and he told me that sometimes he did and sometimes he didn't. It is clear to me that he is screaming for help. I just have to figure out the kind of help he needs. I talked to him about in patient therapy and he begged me not to put him anywhere. He said that he would miss me and home too much. However, we live with a roommate and he is constantly antagonizing her. No, we have no other choice as to where to live. Social Security Disability makes that impossible, so we have to tough it out. I beg them both to please be patient with one another and let them know that my being in the middle is so hard on me.
Again, I thank each of you for your help and your advice and concern. It is so obvious to me that each one who wrote cares so much and that alone, was so much help to me.
I'll try and keep everyone posted as to his progress as I am certain that there is going to be progress for the better! I thank you for your prayers, and please keep them coming. I know that it is prayer that can help us the most. Please feel free to email me at my private address ____@____.com I will be very happy to hear from you.
With much gratitude,
J.
You could try in home counseling. Two agencies are Holston homes and youth villages. They have both been very helpful to us when my stepsons were out of control they will teach you ways of handling him and teach him ways of dealing with whatever is upsetting him. I hope that helps.
T.
I taught high school and college for many years and the Gothe thing is not just a phase. It is dangerous! I'm sorry but I can't mince words here. You know in your heart that this kid needs help now so don't let in. You have the power to withhold all money so he can't buy his goodies. Become strong! You have seen three others through get this one where he needs to be too. You can do it obviously even through your illness. Go to your Bible and read. Ask God to give you strength and He will. Ask Him to fulfill His will for your son. Take your son to church. Pray for the evil spirits that have possessed your son to leave. Annoint your house with olive oil that you have prayed over in the name of Jesus Christ. Your son has an evil spirit inside him and you have to get it out by praying. When you pray in Jesus name, say "I bind and cover the evil with the blood of Jesus and I toss you into outer space." It has to leave and can't return. Ask that God send His angels to protect your son from other evil spirits. Pray constantly and you may consider fasting. I have seen this work time after time. Some people don't believe like this but it is Biblical and Bible-believing Christians will help. I listen to Shepherd's Chapel on TV and get His teachings chapter by chapter and verse by verse for understanding. For those that don't believe, let the chips fall where they may. This works! I understand teens who are so disillusioned with life today but we can't stand by and say it's just a phase. We must be proactive and take our kids back.
OK, two things. First off, let the clothes thing go. He's a teen, you fight him on it, he will just fight back harder. So the clothes either you let it go or trash every single thing in his wardrobe that is black.. which I think would be a bad idea because then you have a mad teen on your hands. And speaking of mad..
Him pushing you around even once is NOT ok!! You CANNOT let this go, if you do he will continue doing it not only with you, but girlfriends, his wife, and possibly his children. It HAS to stop. Next time he pushes you, report it. Pick up the phone call the cops, report it. Don't hesitate, don't blink an eye, just DO IT. Tell him that you WILL call the cops, and he might not mind the idea right now (or get mad, or laugh at you), but when he's behind bars in a cold cell, he will. I KNOW it seems cruel, but it's for the best. Tough love will go a long way. My brother was headed that way, and mom wasn't scared to all the cops. It works.
Here's something else. I don't know your beliefs, but let me tell you this, prayer DOES help. Pray, ask your friends to pray, ask your friends to pray even if you don't pray. God does work miracles.
I am no expert by any means, but as I recently told a good friend of mine...you have the power. You just have to take control. I know it's hard, I really do! You have keys, cell phone, television, junk food, sodas, computer, and everything else in his life that is a priviledge, not a right. I am not sure where you are spiritually, but I encourage you to pray about it! I also recommend anger management counseling if you are doing doesn't work. Many children do not know how to express their anger and being hurt, so they choose alternate, usually bad, routes to do so. I am all for individuality, but depression, anger and violence are taking it too far. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I pray everything works out ok!
You got me teary eye reading what you are going through. I only have one advice (which was mention by another mom). Pray, pray and pray. You will be surprise by the miracles that can happen by praying. I will keep you and your son in my prayers.
.
Oh bless your heart, you have a full plate. As a social worker, I want to encourage you to stay in family therapy and hopefully you are both receiving individual therapy as well. There are a lot of whack job therapists out there so if one tells you something/s that seems off the wall or you totally disagree with, seek another one. However, therapy is a process that will have some uncomfortable/difficult moments. I recommend looking for a master's level social worker (MSW) with a license, preferred (LCSW). I don't think your son is necessarily in a phase. Do not give up on him! Make sure he knows how much you love him and how he dresses/acts doesn't change that fact. Does he have a good relationship with any other of your children? If so, use that! Have one of them take him out once a week. Build on your strengths. You do need to have firm boundaries with your son. If he agreed in therapy to not dressing goth 2 times a week, hold him to that. If he disobeys, take away priveleges. (Or reward him on the days he doesn't dress goth) Inconsistency kills good parenting. Also, help him to see beyond the here and now. Often, high school students can't imagine their lives beyond high school. Take him to college sporting events or to tour college campuses. Introduce him to people in various jobs outside your immediate "circle" of friends. Open his eyes to the possibilities in his future. I hope this helps. I'm rooting for you!
My heart goes out to you. Kids are so different (because the WORLD is so different) than they were (and it was) even 10 years ago. Kids still need the same things they always did, though -- a homelife that provides their basic needs (shelter, food and raiment) and LOTS of love and affirmation. (Sounds like he could really use the latter).
Does he buy his own clothes? If so, praise him for having/holding a job and learning independence. (In fact, find ANYTHING that you can praise him for!!! His tender heart, his grades, his sensitivity to [bugs, animals, babies -- whatever], his efforts to look 'neat', his strength to help you move furniture -- ANYTHING.) If he doesn't buy his own clothes, only buy for him items that YOU approve of.
Does he have friends that can come over to your house and 'hang out'? If so, make it a loving place where they can feel that they are accepted. If not, try inviting them for a home-cooked meal and get to know them -- personally. I guess what I'm saying is 'reach out' to them. They're probably all 'hurting' for whatever reasons. Your son has evidently lost his father to death. Most kids have lost a parent to divorce (or their parents were never married in the first place, and many are being raised by grandparents by default -- the parents didn't even WANT them). Can you imagine how insecure kids feel if their parents don't act like adults and have true commitment to each other and to their children? In this 'me, Me, ME' and 'anything goes' society, it's harder and harder for kids to have a secure support system that's founded on God's plan for family structure. BE part of their support system. Don't let them scare you. God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of Love and of POWER and of a sound mind. HE will do the 'changing' if you can do the 'loving'. I think your son needs to know that you love him 'AS IS', not conditionally -- only how you WISH he was . . .
Also, keep in mind as to whether his 'ways' (dress, attitude, haircuts, peircings, jewelry, make-up) will affect his life when he's 30, and 'pick your battles' accordingly. Don't sweat the small stuff (and it's just about all 'small stuff', except the attitude).
I didn't know I was going to say all that, but I hope it helps on some level . . .
This sounds like a spiritual matter more than anything. You need a good, Bible believing, church home if you don't already have one. Attend services every Sunday and have your son take part in the youth group activities there. The pastor would be able to give you information about Christian counsellors that would be able to help your son as well. There are also boys ranches set up to help troubled teens. Well worth checking into, especially since he intimidates you. This may actually be the best option.
The boy needs the Lord to help him overcome his depression and desire to remain in one.
Dressing goth is not what is defining your child. All kids rebel in one way or another, I would stop focusing on that aspect. He clearly is trying to get your attention & let you know he is angry. (at what? Who knows? He's 16. He probably feels unheard, not understood, and he wont make it easy for you-that is his job)
I think it would be in your best interest to also get counseling to open yourself to your responsibilities in regards to his behavior, also to embrace some fresh viewpoints on your relationship with your son. One of the many benefits might be that he sees you taking responsibility as well for the family dynamic. It is not a one way street & he knows that. I am sure your son is very bright.
In the meantime, surprise him & embrace his choices right now, Tell him you like the way the holes in the fishnet sleeves compliment his combat boots. By him a black bandanna and tell him you thought it would look good with his favorite black shirt.
He doesnt want you to change him, He wants you to accept him AS HE IS. I know he is making it harder, but that is the point. He wants to be loved & accepted regardless of his dress.
Enroll him in art classes or get him guitar lessons. He is clearly creative & may need a good, creative outlet.
Best wishes,
P
Does he have a job? Where does he get the money to buy these new clothes? When he goes off to school take all his black clothes and toss 'em, donate them...whatever, get them out of the house. When he gets home that night have someone you trust be over for dinner so he can't be physical with you when he finds out what you did...he still lives in your house! And if he ever touches you again call the police...sounds like this youngest child needs a wake up call.
This doesn't sound like "Goth" to me... it's more "Emo" since it involves depression and the arm bands. The arm bands usually hide self-inflicted cuts. I know because my daughter went through this after I made her break up with her boyfriend and this was also during the time my son was born (her half brother) so she was crying out for help and attempted suicide and was hospitalized.
Please, please continue to get help!! This is NOT a phase but a cry for help!!. My daughter joined a group at school and the kids didn't treat her well so she cleaned up and tried not to think bad thoughts (although we'll probable never be out of the woods).
Wow, my heart is breaking for you. Well, I have thrown away clothing that isn't appropriate for our 15 yr old to wear! I don't buy them however they show up and when he isn't home they go in the trash and away so he can't get them out of the trash! He has to wear what is left in the closet. This may sound mean to some people however it is the only way I can get rid of the inappropriate clothing. My mom has a saying, "You are what you wear and what you hang out with, so if you lay with dogs you will get fleas!"
Good Luck and from one mom to another - I will be praying for you.
I think that Shelli M has some wonderful advice. I do think that you should consider individual therapy for both of you, and having him see a man for therapy may help. He may be better able to relate to a man. I have seen therapists, and personally, it would make me uncomfortable to see a man. There are just too many issues that I couldn't discuss freely. And, please try to enlist the help of your grown children. My son has struggled with depression throughout his life, and it has always helped when his sister has made an extra effort to spend time with him.
Hmmm..... when I was that age (about 15 years ago) people called me "Goth" because of the way I was dressed. And yes, I did enter a depression phase, especially after a school friend was killed at a New Year's Party. Being "Goth" itself is harmless, I think maybe you should focus on how your son feels about himself instead of how he expresses it. When I was his age I entered into a peer counselling group that was facilitated by a teacher. The hardest thing for me to do was to express my feelings in front of a teacher and in front of a few kids that I percieved as "preps." My biggest concern is that your son doesn't want to hurt himself. I think his biggest issue is his self-esteem, and because he's depressed being "Goth" is his only way of expressing himself without talking about his feelings. Alot of my depressions issues came from low self-esteem and a troubled relationship with my father (who was abused by his mother and grandmother).
I'm not necessarily saying you should encourage him to hang out with other goth kids, but maybe find some way he can express himself without condemning how he dresses. Ultimately Goth kids tend to attract negative attention to themself BECAUSE of how they dress. Just make sure that he's not trying to hurt himself, because if he became physical with you, he might want to hurt himself. He knows how he reacts to you is wrong, but his feelings are way out of control and he can't control himself. So... maybe you could try getting him together with other kids of his age group and try to find something they're interested in. I don't know if this is helping you or not, but I do understand your struggle since I was once there myself.
Good luck!
PLEASE, don't take this lightly, my son was the same way and it turned out that he was bi-polar and he was also very violent and yes I was also afraid of him. He was violent with both myself and my husband, you need to get him into the hospital and on meds to stop all this. It is not normal for him to be doing this and believe me this is VERY DANGEROUS!!! Please seek help for him, I had to call the police so many times, it is called TOUGH LOVE and yes it hurts but it was the safest thing I could do for all of us. Now he is in his late 20's and couldn't ask for a better son, he is on meds and of course he has alot of medical problems but he is not violent like he was at your son's age. PLEASE seek help be it from the law or dr's , YOUR LIFE depends on it
God Bless and PLEASE take care
Pick your battles. Depression can be a result of a chemical imbalance and/or poor self-esteem. Kids want to feel accepted. Find activities and/or subjects to do or talk about that make him feel accepted. Acceptance is what he is seeking from that "goth" crowd. We all want to be accepted and that's what they do for him. I know that clothes are horrible and the mascara is scary, but it is probably just a phase. And he obviously loves you. Give him what they do-acceptance.
God Bless you and him!!!
C.
Wow, hard situation to deal with. Others have given you solid advice, and you need to follow and and fight for your son since he has no interest in helping himself at this point. I noticed he agreed to a compromise of not dressing goth for two days a week, and he broke the agreement. Now the ball is in your court, and you need to take control for your safety and your son's sake.
Don't procrastinate, and get him some professional help through whatever means are available to you, whether it's Social Services, your church, another psychologist, etc. I would have him tested for drugs too, as this goth lifestyle often includes experimentation or addiction to drugs/alcohol. Since he has a history of serious problems and has been physical with you, please do something immediately.
He exhibits no respect for authority and is blatantly defying your authority as a parent. Do NOT compromise with this child. It'll only give him the upper hand.
This is hard I know, but needs action before something dreadful occurs. Seek out some help for yourself also, as what you're dealing with has to be affecting you emotionally, which can't be good when you're dealing with a physical condition as well.
Let us know what you decide to do, and once you proceed, don't back down no matter what!! If he becomes unmanageable and threatens you, get physical again, call 911 immediately. If they take custody of him, it might be a way to force him to get help, and at least be held for observation.
This is NOT a "phase". Maybe you should give him over to your 24 year old and let her see first hand what you are faced with on a daily basis. Hopefully that might work to get her in your corner to insist on obtaining help for your son. Enlist the help of your son's mentor and tell him all that's been happening, I'm sure he is aware of most of it, and would have information on resources available to you for your child.
God bless, and take care of yourself. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh, J., how scared you must be!
My middle child, now 24, was in a Goth phase when she was a young teenager. Wore black and raggedy jeans, posters of Marilyn Manson, dyed her beautiful strawberry blonde hair a shade of maroon!!! She did outgrow it, but she was depressed. Her dad wasn't in her life at the time. Now she lives with him in Florida, he has built her a home and bought her a PT cruiser and helped her get 2 good part time jobs. Better late than never! I know this isn't an option in your case, and I'm truly sorry. Now what I want to say to you about your 16-yr old, you might roll your eyes, but please know I mean the best. My 16-yr old girl watched her older sister and wanted none of it. In the 8th grade she started going to church with a friend. I had fibromyalgia and didn't go anywhere but finally last year I started to go, and now basically, I am so in love with Jesus I could pop! And so happy that my 16-yr old loves church and reading the Bible. She's a beautiful girl, a real head-turner, but pure. She's in the Color Guard (which is very hard work!) plus a leader in several clubs at school, a straight-A student, and works at Subway, plus helps out at home, which I need! She's really a blessing. We don't push our faith on others, we're just so happy and want to share with someone like you who might just need to ask Jesus to help you. He will. If you pray for Jesus to guide you, He will send you the Holy Spirit to help you counsel your son. If you pray for your son to serve God, and believe he will, that it is done, that it is just a matter of time, I know this will help. I've found I can't be depressed if I am busy helping others in some way. Your son needs a father, and there is none greater than our Heavenly Father. I don't want you to be afraid. Fear and Faith can't live in the same place. Faith is just trust! Do you trust God? You probably do, you probably just hadn't thought of Him as a solution. I will quit preaching now. I'm not very comfortable with it, but just wanted to offer my experience in love. I'll be praying for you both, for his depression and your health problems. Also my condolences on the loss of your husband....
Your son is obviously reaching out in this way because something is missing from his life (whether it's a male role model or something that you're not giving him as his mother). It's your responsibility to dig deep within yourself to find the problem and work it out with your son. I suggest going to counseling together to find out what the underlying problem is and not to focus on what you think is wrong with your son as much as what's missing from your life as a family!! Good luck!!
pray and if you dont go to church go and make him go and talk to your preacher about GOD will give youpeace you can not handle this with out him it takes a lot
when i was 16 i was in the goth phase to but we didnt call it themwe called it the "freak phase" i grew out of it when i saw pictures of myself and how stupid i looked but i was never depressed or anything like that. sounds to me like there is more going on. maybe he is not being excepted at shool by "normalpeople" i dont know it sounds very complicated since he has gotten physical with you. i think that i would beat the snot out of him the nxt time he threatened you or pushed you. hope things work out for you
1st, is your son on meds? It sounds like his depression is not under control, but considering his behavior he probably wouldn't take the meds anyway. 2nd, you are the parent, he has no choice but to follow your rules, and 3rd if your daughter thinks she can do better, let her take care of him. For some reason, this generation thinks they have a right to tell us what they will and won't do and what we can and can't tell them they can/can't do. Our parents would have never let us behave this way, and we should't let our children behave this way either. My husband and I are VERY fair with my 3 children, but the one thing they no for sure is if my husband or I tell them something, we mean it and there is no discussion. We make the rules in our home and they are very, very fair. When they own their home, then they can make the rules. I know a lot will think this is harsh, but I see a lot of this in my kids' schools and it seems in every instance, the kids are making the rules at home and the parents are just saying OK, no problem. Please don't take this as bashing, I just hate to see someone in your position with family members telling you to get over it and not worry. They are not the ones living it day to day. GOOD LUCK and please let me know how things work out.
Hi J., I noticed that you said you are a widow, and I was wondering how recently your husband passed. Even if it was years ago, your son may be deeply confused and angry at the loss of his father. When I was 12 I lost my mother to cancer and I'm still not over it. Teenagers haven't learned proper coping skills yet and so they look for something, anything to belong to or be a part of. For me it was grunge, with the shabby second hand clothes and an I don't care attitude, kool-aid dye in my hair, that sort of thing. I didn't know how to deal with losing my mother, and I was mad at the world. If you take his clothes and punish him for expressing himself, you will only drive more of a wedge between you two. You need to find some way to relate to him and help him see that you aren't against him but that you only want to help him through whatever pain it is that he feels. Short of snooping too much, try to find out if he is self medicating as so many teens do. There are so many ways that kids can "get high" now, and they don't usually have to look much further than their parents medicine cabinet or the garage. I'm not saying he definately is, but you can never be too safe. All too often parents just don't realize the types of things their teens are exposed to. Google "huffing" to learn about the chemicals and everyday items that kids can breathe in to get high. You also might want make sure he isn't cutting himself. I think you should stop hounding him about his clothes and try to get to the real issue. If all his brothers and sisters are grown and his dad has passed, and you are ill; chances are that he just feels really alone and that you don't understand him. Hope this helps, I remember what it was like to be misunderstood, so your story really touched me.
I think it is a phase, but given his history, it is too difficult to predict. Sounds like you need another counselor, maybe a young guy? I don't think you can do much with him at this age anymore, and you have to develop the attitude, let go and let god. I am sorry for your pain, good luck.
hi, J. i am also a widow, so i know how hard that is, you were right in getting counseling, you are not over reacting, this behavior is red flags, crys for help even if your son soes not know it in some ways it is a phase but you do need to set boundries, the gothic will feed the depression, how long have you been widowed? continue with the therapy, do you attend church? you might want to get him involved with a youth group i will be praying for you both feel free to e-mail me i will be happy to "mentor" you my now 30 year old son went through a short period of simular behavior.
a little about me i am a 55y.o. widow of 4 and 1/2 years with 2 grown children, ages 30 and 24 J. d.
I think it is not just a phase, I would try to put your foot down as well but given your health situation and the past with him pushing you, etc would you consider threatening to send him to a boarding school if he does not turn his life around? A threat might be enough. If you can afford a boarding school, I would give him 2 months to shape up or you are shipping him out! You can ask the psychiatrist if she can recommend any strong influence or scare tactic, give her your past situation. Has he started hanging out with new ppl who dress like this? Is he on an antidepressant? Who buys his clothes? Does he work and buy his own? I would take them, tell him you will take him shopping for new clothes that you approve of. He is under 18 and under your roof, you have the right to control what he does and what he wears. I would clean out his closet of all goth and store it in a box, at someone else's house if you don't want to throw it all away. I would tell him that if that is who he is he can show who he is in smaller doses. He can wear the necklace, bracelet, etc but not entire black clothes, etc
You may even want to play the health card on him and bring up his dad, would he approve of this behavior? Have a serious talk with him when he is in his best mood...maybe not first thing in the am.
Not much help I know but maybe you could pull one thing from each of us and come up with whatever advice is best for you. I really feel for you and hope you figure this out. Don't be scared of him unless your spinal disease makes you weak. Tell him you will hire someone to control him if he does not follow your rules.
W.
J.- He may need medication. Has he been diagnosed with anything like bipolar (huge mood swings) disorder. If he has been prescribed meds, does he take them? You need a psychiatrist (who can prescribe meds and counsels) not a psychologist (who does counseling). Also if he is on prescribed meds but takes street drugs, the can interact. So do rule that out first.
And what is his history? Has he been abandoned by the other parent? Does he have deeper issues he does need to examine in individual counseling? Sometimes this sort of behavior is a self-hate issue. They may feel like they are undesirable goods--people leave them so they go ahead and act even more undesirable because he figures you will leave him too. It is sort of a catch 22 since you don't really care to spend time with such a negative person. What DOES he enjoy? My space? Get him to show you how to set up your own myspace. How can you go into his world and share something together? Maybe there will be glimmers that he will realize you care about him and he can start to develop hope. What else can you do together? Go to the mall? Does he drive? Often time in the car together is great chat time. Good luck! Dr. D
If he has been hospitalized before for depression and has hurt you, I would get him to a doctor that specializes in depression for teens and might need to put him on some medecine. Therapy is good, but sometimes therapy alone can't always help stuff go away. That would be my suggestion. I have two 8 year olds, they are twins that had problems with anger in the past and hurt me and their younger brothers. I have had them in therapy and it helps for a little while, but I am considering they see a doctor now. I hope this helps. wwwworkathomeunited.com/myfoursons
My sister went through something like this. She got so weird once she said she was going to try to control the weather. I am not sure what my parents did but I remeber her asking me what the meaning of life was. I told her I didn't really care and if she would get her head out of her butt she wouldn't care either and start enjoying her life. I think her high school senior pictures were non goth. Good luck.
Wow, you have a full plate! I do not normally respond when there are this many comments, but felt like I needed to this time.
I'm sure you are feeling gracious but overwhelmed by all the advice. Take the time to really search yourself and how you feel about your son. Are you the tough-love type? Are you the type to find reasons behind the actions?
With the information you have given, I would suggest you find a counselor who specializes in adolescent depression. It's a WHOLE different world than adult depression (sometimes it is simply related to the hormonal changes in teens) and sometimes medication is needed just for a short time. The clothes are not what you should be focused on right now. That is simply an outward expression of something inside. IF his grades/behavior/friends/eating habits/sleep habits have changed drastically, then it is definitely NOT a phase. Good luck and I hope everything works out!
First of all, Good for you for seaking counseling early. I agree about putting your foot down. but you have to put it all the way down. Throw the goth away. Also, I am very concerned that he is assaulting you! Yes ASSAULTING! You need to tell him that is also unacceptable and if he does it again you WILL have to call the police, because you will not be afraid of your own son. This is not a phase, he is turning into an abuser! He is taking his anger out on you and that should not be tolerated. I would find some organization like big brother/big sister and get him a strong male figure into his life. He doesn't have much more time on influencing him, so act quick!
I can relate with the goth thing, My niece tried it for a year, and when I found out she was cutting (cutting her arms) for release of emotions. I Put MY foot down over Mom. She now dresses like a typical 15 year old and not like she lives at the morgue. She is a lot happier. I also got her reading Christian Teen books.
I wish you the best of luck and stay strong for your son and yourself!
I can tell you from personal experience it will pass. I dressed in all black and hated the world when I was in high school. I've always had a slight depression and it seemed to grow for me around 8th grade. I found an outlet and that helped alot. For me it was music, sure its heavy metal and it can be dark but its very relateable. Help him find something he can be passionate about, be it music, poetry, photography, etc.
I know with kids your sons age (and even my age) its VERY popular to be "EMO". Which is the dress in all black, wear black makeup (yes even boys), be depressed and emotional.
Its a phase, I snapped out of it.
I have to agree with your daughter on this. He is a teenager and although he says, this is who I am. What he really means is , this is who I am right now. Having 3 older kids you must now they go through these rebelous phases, so you telling him he can't wear this stuff is only going to make him want to wear it more. I can understand you would be concerned if he has already had problems with depression and such but even though Goth style is about death and depression, it does not actually push people to do anything they wouldn't do otherwise. I think his style is just reflecting his mood right now. Being a teenager now is alot harder than is was even 10 years ago. If he has found a style and friends that he feels comfortable with I say let him do it. It might not be the style you like, but right now his life is not about making mom happy. I say let him be himself and just keep on eye on his behavior, his friends and school progress. Make sure you know who his friends are, most likely you will find they are not the kind of people you think they are. They might dress and talk a little different butthey are all teenagers trying to figure themselves out. If grades start to slip or he starts hanging out with friends that do seem to be a bad influence as far as school, or drugs or lying, then you have a problem, but otherwise just let him be him. Good Luck and God Bless, Jenny
J., Does he take or need medication for his depression? My friend's daughter started taking medication for her depression and it has helped alot. At least now they can talk to her better. If our son does not take his medication for ADHD, he gets very "oppositional defiant". While on his med.s, we can talk with him and relate to him better. As soon as you can, make a "date night". Let him choose his favorite restaurant or type of food. Try to pick a special restaurant that takes a while to drive to so you have more time to talk. Spend this time just trying to connect and to really get to know him inside. No lectures or too in-depth questions the first date night. Just have fun. Make him feel good about himself (stress all the positive qualities that he has). The whole emphasis in on intentional focus and showing him your unconditional love. 5 very good books to read: 1. How to Really Love your Teen by D. Ross Cambell, MD.(short, easy to read). 2. Loving a Prodigal: A Survival Guide for Parents of Rebellious Children by H. Norman Wright. 3.Boundaries With Teens: When to say Yes, How to say NO by Dr. John Townsend (help teen to take responsibility for his behavior, values and life). 4.Parenting Teens with Love and Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood by Foster Cline and Jim Fay (teaches how to set up choices and consequences that teens can learn from). 5. Age of Opportunity: A biblical guide to Parenting Teens by Paul David Tripp. I'll be praying for your son that he would accept "going out to a dinner with Mom" and that the two of you can connect. Blessings, S.
My Son is that way too. He is out on his own now; married. But still has issues. He likes dark cloths and things in black.
Yes he too has mental illness. Many, many problem. Depression, anxiaty, Bi Polar and many others mental problem.
Awhile back he was verbally abusive to me. Not physical.
But to see him this way I feel He had to find a way out of the things around him that was hurting him. So he did. Darkness, not caring. Don't you dare attitude or there is revenge. Hurting himself to get what he wants. He does get treatment and help. But it's really up to him and our support if we can.
He is now trying to get on with his life. he has a great wife who is there for him. We do all we can to let him know we love him. And That we are very proud of what he is doing right now; not Today or Tomarrow.
I feel your dear son is trying to be what he wants to be. He wants to choose what he wants to do. He seems to be not too happy with himself.Or he wants to be independed. And show that he can do things on his own. The pressure around him is too great and he is just following what he thinks is right or wrong. The children and young adults are growing too fast. And has not enjoy their life slowly. I always thought Todays life is fast, fast, fast. Get it done now. Learn quickly. This to much. I know it has mess me up in my growing and learning.
I don't know if I helped. But I just let you know you are not alone. I to was afraid of my son.
If you can; all who is around him.
Just tell him you love him.
Take care Vicki W.
I was a teacher before I became a stay at home mom, so I do have a little experience with goth kids. The goth thing might be a phase for some, but if he is truly GOTH, then it's not just a phase...it's a lifestyle. Sure, eventually, he may outgrow it, but the things these children get into are generally pretty self destructive. The entire premise behind it is general negativity. I've seen some awesome kids go this route, and they just end up so...sad. Generally, from what I've seen, they're usually wanting attention. They aren't the popular kids and they aren't athletic, so they join this clique for acceptance and attention from the outside. With a 16 year old, I'm not sure what you're supposed to do. If he doesn't work, then you need to make him start if he's using your money to purchase these clothes and accessories. If you genuinely are afraid for his well being, then you might consider a boot camp or boarding school...these things are extreme measures, but this is your child's well being we're talking about.
Hopefully it is a phase, but as much as you don't like it, you are going to have to let him go through it. I have a now 19yo daughter who went through that phase and the more I protested the more defiant she became and the more "GOTH" she went. The best thing I could say is learn more about how it makes your son feel and why he wants to be "GOTH", but don't try to change him or make him dress the way YOU feel he should. Keep an eye on him and just be there to catch him when he falls. It will be hard but if you want to keep the peace then it is what you have to do.
It seems that the only person that is being affected by this change is you from all the arguing and such. When he comes to you crying it might be genuine and he just doesn't know how to really express himself and the "GOTH" is a way for him to belong to something (even if it is weird). Hang in there and remember to show him that you love him no matter if he is wearing mascara or not, who knows it might just open up a door that was closed to both of you.
I somewhat agree with your daughter on the phase thing.Pushing will only make it worse.Take some interest in it.He might open up if you are calm about it.He is trying to find a group to fit in with.Every teenager wants to fit in,being left out on your own will cause more depression and anger.Try it and see,in the end he will have to use his own good judgement and decision making skills.Good luck and let him know you love him know matter what,after all that is a hard age. G. Merritt
