Children are such awesome and explicitly honest creatures. If there is upset or unbalance in our lives, trust me that your child will begin to mirror those upsets or unbalances from our lives into theirs. The difference is, depending on the age of the child, depends on how well they can express their understanding of what is upsetting them, scaring them, or bothering them. Many times you will have to look deeper than the surface to find the answer for yourself...especially if the child is not comfortable talking about the problem or does not know how to express the problem.
Household cleaning can wait. If someone is coming over to see you and judge your home on dust levels or to check if the carpet was vacuumed today, then have them make an appointment. If they are coming over to see you, let them in and visit. What I'm saying is, right now, your daughter is having an issue that warrants more attention than the dust rag or the Windex. The dust bunnies will still be there after you have either solved your daughter's fears or begun to tackle them.
Here would be some questions to ask / look at / view as food for thought.
How does your daughter behave with other adults other than your boyfriend? Is she withdrawn, sullen, excited, anxious, happy, at ease?
How does she behave with your boyfriend? Is she withdrawn, sullen, excited, anxious, happy,at ease?
What is her relationship like with her father? How often does she see him, what is your relationship like with him?
Has there been any fights in your home between you and your boyfriend - for any reason?
Is there any stress in the home right now - finances, relationship, career, health, etc.?
What is playtime like between your daughter and your boyfriend's son?
What is her playtime like between your daughter and other children.
How is your daughter doing in school? Does she like school, is she having problems in school? Is there perhaps something that was discussed in school by another student or teacher that upset your daughter?
How is her bedroom set up? Try sitting in it after dark. Are shadows cast onto her walls from a window by a moving tree or something else from outside. Is something coming to her window to scare her when she's in bed at night such as a kid or an adult (see back to relationship questions.
Snacking too late before bedtime can also induce dreams - sometimes vivid or scary ones. How soon before bedtime is she eating and drinking...and what is it that she is eating and drinking. Certain foods tend to "play" if consumed to close to bedtime.
When my kids were little, there were different phases we went through. One was monsters. I tried all the generic things like looking through closets, under beds, reassuring that there was nothing there. Then I got inventive.
I would pick up the phone and pretend to call the Monster Hot line. I would have an imaginary conversation with no one on the other side of the phone and ask if there was anything that could hurt anyone in our area. Then I'd say something like, "Oh good!" I'd come up with some far off distant area if my kids asked where the monsters or bad people were. Otherwise I'd just reinforce that nothing was there. The fact a call was made seemed to reassure them all over again.
Bath time - our 9 yr old son went through this about a year ago. My husband and I could not do anything. Finally we figured this out. The arrangement of his room cast shadows which scared him. But in the meantime, with baths, we kept the bathroom door cracked and we'd work on folding laundry in our room which connected with the bathroom. This way, our son could hear us, and we could definitely hear him, yet we could get things done while he was bathing. Bedtime would come and we'd make sure things like a night light was in the room, we'd read him a story or tell him a funny story about either him, me, his dad, or one of his siblings when one of us were little. I would rub my finger gently down his nose and ask him to have good dreams for me tonight. He would respond, I'll get some for you! This became ritual. We would sit with him about 5 minutes in the beginning and weaned it down to the ritual and then leaving the room. He's past the fears now.
I hope the questions I've posed will help you look at everything to find what is best for your little girl and to help her, and maybe something I've said will help you as well.
Take care and God Bless,
L.