Daughter Doesn't like Change - HELP!

Is there any reward you can give to her for being flexible about going and giving it a try. Maybe you can go out for her favorite lunch afterwards or for ice cream--whatever thing would be a real treat for her. But she can only get the reward if she goes to the class and participates. Maybe even invite one of the other girls she knows in the class to join you afterwards. That way, she may get a friend to enjoy the class with the next time!

C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com

I've been really appreciating the wisdom of the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have a long history of leading parenting workshops, and teach parents how their children can propose their own solutions to all sorts of classic problems, including dealing with their own fears.

Two of a kid's greatest needs are to be understood and to know her parent is on her side. Your well-intentioned coaching to get her past her reluctance may actually be backfiring. If you are dealing with your own worries about what the future holds for her, maybe she doesn't think you are really hearing her worries – and the resulting dynamic is that she has to hold on tighter to her concerns, since she's the only one carrying them.

This book would advise you to reflect back what your daughter is telling you, and give her lots of space while empathizing and supporting her in finding her own solution. You might say, for example, "Oh, I see. You really like your old teacher. And you are afraid you won't like the new teacher. Hmm. I can see that that's a problem for you, because you love gymnastics." Then just watch her calmly, giving her your full attention.

I've used this process sort of intutitively for years, off and on, and have been using it more deliberately lately with grandboy 4.5. I love the thougthful, original, and highly customized way he has been resolving many of his own life puzzles. They don't always bring him to the place I thought I would like him to find, but they tend to be practical, and provide him with terrific practice in fostering his own inner wisdom. This skill will become more and more important in coming years.

My daughter is very anxious in new situations. What works best for her is helping her to "own" that fear. So you might try saying "I know that this is hard, because new things can be hard and scary. But as soon as you get in there and decide to have a good time, you'll be able to have a good time. But it will be scary at first." I think that my daughter actually got freaked out by being scared in a situation where other people seem to be so at ease, and so helping her identify that emotion so she could process it really helped.

Also, you can try giving her a "magical" bracelet (or something) and you can teach her that whenever she misses her old teacher or feels scared she can rub the bracelet and it will help her feel braver. It would probably be extra helpful if it were one of yours.

What I wouldn't do is let her back out of gymnastics. But set the parameters clearly. "We're going, we're going inside, I will sit with you for 5 minutes. Then you need to go and do class." Start telling her tomorrow that you'll be very sorry if she cries, but you know that she'll have so much fun once she decides to have fun that you can't let her back out. Figure out where your personal line of "supporting" rather than "enabling" is, articulate that to your daughter, and stick with it. Good luck.

Just going to toss this out there, what if it is not behavioral? What if it is chemical? Could she be having anxiety?

I had one with anxiety at this age, she could not do anything new, and it was not a matter of help to get her to try, she couldn't and it was making her miserable. If she is happy not doing things, that is one thing, but if she wants to do things and she can't because of irational fear, you might explore this as an anxiety disorder and seek out a qualified child psychiatrist. We did, when our daughter could not get on the bus to go to kindergarten. Within a few weeks, she was a different kid. It was all brain chemistry, and there was no doubt about it. It was night and day, and I so wish we did it sooner!

M.

We have difficuties with new situations with at least one of our kids, too. My son is 4.5 years and highly sensitive. He will take a long time (relative to most other kids) to adjust to new people and situations. My experience is that this is not usually fear or shyness, but just a desire to observe closely and move carefully. The less we push, the faster he moves foreward. It is good to leave him somewhat alone with new situations and not crowd him.

As for your particular issue, i think it might work if her previous gym teacher, whom she seems to like, would "pass her on" and be the agent in the transition to the new teacher, leaving you out of the game a bit. That way the transition may be a bit more natural to her, and there may be less of a loss in what she cherishes about her "old class". It would show continuity and be honest about the change at the same time.

I think it is interesting to see what she cares about. It's not so much the gymnastics, but seems to be the people, or both. Value that, respect that.

As for you worries about challenges/new things/life for her, i have those too with my son. I find though, that the more i respect him for who he is and trust him, the more courageous and willing he is to go out and seek new experiences. I find that he actually is an explorer -- drawn to the unknown, but he definitely has his own pace, which seems to a lot of people "shy" or even "fearful". Those labels have not been helpful to me. I think they are inacurate. Thanks to Elane Aaron's book "the highly sensitive child" i am now on an easier road to loving and accepting him for who he is.

hope this helps. Let us know what happened with gym calss!
best of luck,

D.

I feel your pain! My son had (still does, but he's an adult now) huge issues with change and anxiety issues. It's a problem for any child, but we happened to be a military family that moved a lot (A LOT!) He had a really hard time for the first couple of weeks at a new place, especially school and it broke my heart. But there was really no choice in the matter. At the time, I didn't understand what made him feel so anxious. I was a navy brat myself, so I understood to some degree, but didn't have the issues he did and my other two children adjusted much more easily. I slowly learned that it was not knowing the routine that bothered him most. He hated not knowing what was going to happen, not knowing where he was supposed to be and/or what he was supposed to be doing. He was always better when he figured out the routine of things. He is still that way. He still has anxiety issues, but if he knows exactly what will happen, it makes him much more comfortable. I should mention that he has Asperger's Syndrome (but I didn't know that until he was in the 12th grade.) I would really consider getting your daughter screened for anything of that nature. In a perfect world our children would very clearly tell us what they're feeling, but they often don't even know themselves.

Specific to gymnastics though, I wonder if observing a couple/few classes would be of help to her. That could certainly help to manage her expectations and maybe see that she likes the coach.

Good luck to you.

First of all, let go of YOUR anxiety about this issue. Focus on gymnastics for now. I have found in certain "new situations", my son will respond better to someone else--the coach, the teacher, etc. Call ahead and ask the new teacher to come and get your daughter by the hand when you arrive. She'll be gibbering away about all the fun your daughter will have & I'll bet she's participating in no time. Can you leave the area during class? That might help as well. Good luck!

I am currently going through the same situation with my six year old boy. We have had a crazy year. My husband lost his job, was unemployed and we were forced to move in with family for 7 months. Because of this we had to put the kids in a different school. When my husband got a job we moved and had to put them in another school. That's three schools in a years time. I thought my 6 year old was adjusting great and I was shocked when he started showing anxiety over any new situation. My son is very afraid to go to school assemblies, field trips and anything he is not sure of. We signed him up for baseball (he played last year and loved it) when it came time for him to play he cried and held onto the chair because he was so afraid! We could not even get him out of the house. This is a kid who was always our happy go lucky child. He would meet a kid on the playground and would tell me it was his new best friend. It is heartbreaking as a parent to go through this. And also, I have to admit, it is beyond frustrating! My son is seeing a psychologist because we wanted to try to nip it in the bud. One piece of advice that our doctor gave us is to try your hardest not to give in. With anxiety if they don't face their fears then it can get even worse. I would speak with the new gymnastics coach and tell them ahead of time so they know to show her a little extra attention to encourage her. Also, make sure you get there early. It is much more difficult for them to walk in when half the class is already there. It is more intimidating.
As far as kindergaten goes, I would try to call the school and ask if there is any way that you can make the transition more smooth. Maybe find out if there is going to be someone in the class that she can get together over the summer with. If she develops a friendship before the school year begins then it will be so much easier for her to walk into class knowing that they already know somebody. Also, contact a psychologist. This is what they do for a living. They can atleast give you some coaching techniques to talk her down from her fears. Also, yelling just escalates anxiety. These situations can really try your temper (I know firsthand). I would feel so bad for my son I would be in tears half the day, but it was still so frustrating that I would end up raising my voice (we're only human). I have started to approach it with a nice even tone and it really does help. Good Luck! I really do know what your going through and I know that it just consumes your whole life. In my case I have three other kids and I also have the guilt that I am not giving them enough attention because it is focused on my six year old! One day at a time, right?!

Try again, but call the teacher first to see if she will help by being outside and friendly, etc... Tell your daughter it is okay to be nervous or scared in a new situation, but she should go anyway and give it a chance. Tell her you will be near by, etc...

We have used rewards in the past to help transition to a new scary thing. That way they are motivated and thinking about the outcome, not the process. Whatever your daughter likes (WebKinz, SillyBandz, etc) can be used by saying you will go shopping after class if she participates and wants to go back (I won't give the reward if they just suffer through one class with the intention of getting their reward and never trying it again). If I didn't use this approach, my 10 year old would have never learned to swim or ride a bike.

I have friends whose daughter is afraid of new things and the parents always let her quit after the first class/lesson. She doesn't participate in anything and she's 10. The mom just says she hasn't found her passion yet, but I think they let her get away with it too much.

When my daughter is about to enter a new situation, we talk about it a lot beforehand. As much as possible, we tell her what to expect and answer any questions she may have. We do this well in advance and then more frequently as the time gets closer.
We have postponed some things until she is ready. For example, we signed up for another session of parent and tot gymnastics before moving her up to the level where she goes by herself. We used that time to point out what other older kids were doing, talk to her current instructor about her readiness and point out the positive aspects of changing.
And, for some things, we're not above offering bribes. :-) It took a bribe from Grandma to get her to try a ski lesson by herself since she was too old to have one w/ Daddy.
To prepare her for kindergarten, we have also visited the playground after school hours. We've been in parts of the school and anticipate an opportunity for all incoming kids to have a tour. I also hope to bring her in a few times this summer so she can get used to the building.
Good luck,
J.

Dear L.,
I so deeply simphasize with you, because we are in exactly the same situation. My daughter will turn 5 at the end of June and I have no idea, how I'll get her on the bus to her kindergarten... I somehow got her to try private swimming lessons and swimming wise she is doing so well that it would be painfull to quit. Socially, however, it is constant struggle and at this point I would have no hope she would try a new class. Like Dagmar suggested, try the Elane Aaron's book "The Highly Sensitive Child". That does help me a bit to see my daughter in a different pespective. I am also considering a child psichologist, but have not found one yet. If you would like to write to me personally or even get together sometime (we do not live too far away), please feel free to email me at ____@____.com.