Help Me Help My Daughter

Hi S.,
Try asking your daughter about her day when she gets home. At dinner or during her time, use the reverse, you know you are really upset in the morning before school and I am worried about you, can you tell me what is happening at school? Tell me one thing you could change about school if you could? Listening and questioning outside of the box is the only effective way to get information. Asking directly, usually does not work or they forget details. If you let them come to you about it, they tell you more.

Hope it helps!

M.

S.,
I was a first grade teacher for 7 years before I had my son and it seems that every year there was one child with similar issues as your daughter. Each child had a very different reason from foster care and abandonment issues to seemingly no reason at all. All got over their fears and had good days, even when they started off badly. I usually allowed the parent to come in earlier and gave that student a special job in the classroom such as handing out the morning work or markers and pencils etc. I think you are taking all the right steps, at least the ones I would advise my parents to take. First grade is a major transition year and many students/children have problem with the adjustment at many points throughout the year. Many infants react the same way to overstimulation and new environments. Allow her to draw pictures of school and talk to you, maybe you'll get a better idea if she has a reason to be afraid. It can't be easy for anyone to watch their child go through what your daughter is experiencing but maybe she'll drop the behavior as abruptly as it began. Just continue to support her and not repremand her for her fear. Good luck to your family!

Hi!! First grade is soo hard!! Kindergarten is still ABC"s and naptime! I went through this, not as severe but lots of together time and extra tlc!! It is a stage kids these days are soo stressed out it was on the Today show this morning how kids have alot of pressure and can't and does not know how to deal with it. Talking and finding out why. Also if she goes to school w/o crying...maybe a family campout in the living room or stay up late and watch a movie? We actually had ice cream for dinner and had fruit and chocolate (fondue) little extra like this helped and phased out of the stage in a week. Now it's second grade and doing wonderful!! Good luck!! Keep it together!!! K.

S.

I feel your pain just reading that. Being so torn. I think I would talk to the teacher, guidance counselor, maybe even principal to find out what is happening. I would be so suspicious of a bully, teasing or something like that. She doesn't deserve to be teased or bullied. Kids really are cruel, it's just how they are. Hopefully you can find out what the problem is and the steps you are taking will help her overcome her fears and anxieties. Most school districts have strong anti-bullying policies and should be more than willing to help you at least find out if that is the cause of her stress.

Best of luck
S.

I have a 6 year old girl and a 2 year old son, so we have similar situations at home. My daughter has recently been having some difficulties as well. Not to the extreem you have, but she was complaining of false chest pain in an attempt to get out of going. It seemed to get worse recently, it wasn't as bad even at the begining of the school year. I think it might have something to do with all the strees the teachers have on them at the end of the first marking period or something. I e-mailed my daughter's teacher for advice and she thinks it has alot to do with them still adjusting to a full day schedule. She recommended sending in a laminated picture or two of the family to keep at her desk. This way if she is missing you during the day, she will have something to look at. She also recommended giving her something to look forward to at the end of the day. In her school, if they are good, they keep a green stick all day, if they misbehave they get yellow stick and then red if it continues. I will tell her,on her "bad" days, that if she keeps her stick green all day, we will do a special craft when she gets home,or we will go for a bike ride ect.... That usually perks her up. I also will do special things every once in a great while, like drive her to school instead of the bus; or pack her lunch, instead of having her buy. We also occasionally will get up a little earlier, and go out to a quick little family resturant for breakfast. It gives us a little more time to talk in the morning, while someone else is cooking and cleaning the dishes, and she really enjoys that. I think you are doing the right thing with the counciling. Good luck. I hope you get relief soon, I know how heart wrentching it can be.

It sounds to me as though something triggered this reaction if she never had it in kindergarten. Have you talked with her and the guidance counselor about what may be going on at school? Has she had a bad experience there, with a teacher or another child? Is it possible that she is being bullied? Even in first grade, this can happen. My daughter is in kindergarten and I've been surprised to find that there are at least two girls in her class who are "Mean Girls" in training! When you find out what the problem is (which the psychologist will help with), you need to help her develop the skills to deal with it because she needs to understand that she is going to run into a lot of unpleasant situations in life and she can't avoid them by staying home. Just one more thought -- could she be jealous that her younger brother is home with you all day and she's not? www.livingreenathome.com

S....

Contact your childs guidance counselor and the child study team in her school. You may even want to talk to your pediatrician. My 15 year old stepdaughter missed her ENTIRE freshman year of high school b/c of anxiety attacks. She is now in therapy and on medication and goes to a transition school where there are only 2 children in her class. She is doing well but it has been a long road. Her case is an extreme case so I am not trying to scare you. I wouldn't keep your daughter home from school but I would contact the resources you have in the school to get her talking to someone and make them aware.

I actually can feel your daughters pain. I had extreme anxiety with my schools up until I was in college. I was extremely shy, bullied, teased and to top it all off my family moved alot so I was always having to make new friends. Teachers noticed that I got anxious before tests and pop quizes to the point where I blanked out all I knew about the subject. I learned when I got older that I had high anxiety and underwent therapy and meds. Now I am a healthy 33 year old, that is not afraid of the world. My parents also took me out of school and homeschooled me so that my anxiety wasn't interfering with my learning. I was homeschooled my junior and senior year of high school. It allowed me the chance to get into a really good college and there I learned to be less anxious. Hope this helps. Continue to see a therapist and realize that it is normal for kids to be nervous to change, but if it doesn't settle in the next year, you may want to look at other options that may be causing your daughter's behavior. All the advice above is great!! I went to school in the 70's and 80's and bullying was not stopped as it is today, so hopefully your daughter can open up to you and tell you what is going on. I wish you lots of luck.

My first thought when I read your post was that maybe she has a bully at school. My friend's daughter was recently going through that. She went and talked to the teacher about it and things started improving but now the girl has been moved to a different class so it's even better. I would try to talk to your daughter to see if you can get something out of her that might tell you why she doesn't want to go. Also, maybe ask if the teacher has noticed anything strange.

Hi S.. My first instinct is to tell you that something is wrong in her class if she has suddenly started these "attacks". Someone told her something or did something to her that started all this...it didn't start all by itself if she had no problems until now. It could be something as simple (to us grown-ups) as one of the kids telling her that you could die in a car crash going home with out her. Or that you leave her at school because she is bad or you love her little brother more that's why you keep him with you. There is a reason for her actions. Kid's don't just suddenly have "fits" or "attacks" about going to school. Your job is to play the gentel dective and ferrit out the reason for her actions. She may not tell you...it may have been something she saw on TV (even a movie ad could start them thinking) or something she overheard and miss understood. Be strong, be supportive, ask questions of the doctor, and talk to her. You'll figure it out and then you'll be able to fix the problem. Tell her that too. What ever is bothering her she can tell you and then the two of you (or three of you don't forget Daddy) can fix it together. No matter what. Hang in there, all will work itself out. Have a great Thanksgiving.

Hi S.,

First, let me just say that I'm glad to hear that you are taking your daughter to see a psychologist. Hopefully, this will help to illuminate WHY your daughter is having panic attacks about going to school.

When I was in first grade I had a good bit of stress. Mainly, because one of my parents is white and the other is black. I grew up in a small town in rural PA during the 70s and 80s, and people, classmates included, had some very small-minded ideas about race and ethnicity. There was a good bit of name calling and exclusion, and for the most part the teachers were clueless about how to handle these situations, because many of them shared these beliefs.

Now, I don't know what is causing your daughetr stress and anxiety, but you are doing the best thing you can do, seeking help for a situation you can't fix on your own.

The lives of children are often far more complex and stressful than we give them credit for, so I wish you the best of luck and hope that you are able to help your daughter enjoy going to school.

Take care,
M.

Something bad is probably happening to her. School can be a traumatizing place. Teachers can be so uncaring. You should consider cyber school. They have a great program in Agora. Check them out at www.agora.org You don't have to pay for anything. They send you all the stuff you need. It's great. They have great teachers. We love it. Also you can check out the curriculum suppliers site www.k12.com There are alot of schools to choose from, but I recommend Agora. Don't let your daughter suffer. Don't listen to anyone that tells you they need the socialization of public school either. They can be more isolated in that environment, then at home.

Definitely find out whats going on at school, working closely with the guidance counselor, teacher, and/or school psychologist. Make sure there are no bullying issues, or teacher issues. I remember being in elementary school, and some of my teachers gave me some real anxiety, just because of their mannerisms or teaching styles.

It could be something like school refusal, or it can be separation anxiety. In either of those cases, its really important for you to be positive and reasurring, never minimize her fears, whatever they may be, but stand your ground and dont feed into it. If she's fine once she gets into school, then deal with the morning fears by a quick positive separation on your part. Quick hug and kiss goodbye, "I'll see you after school", and GO! Let her guidance counselor guide her to class, or to her office if she initially needs some time in the AM to ease into the day, but whatever you do, dont let her hang on to you and prolong the situation, will only make things worse. And ask that her teacher and guidance counselor monitor her throughout the day...let her have a "safe" place in the school if she becomes really anxious or upset, but do not let her go home early. Contact me if you have questions.

i was the exact same way as a child. I would explore the possibility of something at school that is really troubling her. Have you met with her teacher? I would start there even before a psychologist. The root cause may be at school and may be something easily dealt with if you meet her teacher and see what is going on. If not, have you asked her point blank, not on a school day, what is going on? Sit her down and talk with her...let her know there are no wrong answers. Probe and ask questions. Let her know she is safe with you and can tell you anything. It may be just plain anxiety. That is what it was for me. I still suffer as an adult, but I would begin with both a candid conversation with your daughter and with her teacher asap.
Good luck!

Hi S.,

I haven't been through anything that drastic, but my son has gone through a period that he didn't want to go to school either. I found out that he had a "bully" and fortunately was able to put a stop to that real fast. Then he went through a small patch of seperation anxiety. I literally had to drive him to school a few days and walk him to his class and he would stand out there with me and cry for a few seconds until the teacher saw him and then she greeted him and acted so happy to see that he made it to school that day. The teacher greeting him like that really helped him.

My son was also in first grade when all this occured. Could be the age??? Also does she feel like she is missing out on "special" things at home while she is gone? Maybe she feels like you and her brother spends time doing special things without her???? It's hard to understand what is going through a 7 year old's mind because they usually aren't sure themselves or can't explain it fully to us.

Hope things get better for you and for her.
L.

I'm no expert but you may want to ask your daughter if there's someone bothering her at school. Bullies can make it very hard for kids to want to go to school. Maybe ask the teacher to keep an eye out for her and notify you of any potential bullying.