Datng / Guy Questions??

It's all about unexpressed or unrealistic expectations. See some great responses to my recent post about this.

If he doesn't listen to you (stops listening) and does nothing to show you how he feels (romantically) then what makes you insanely happy?

You're right--no O. is a mind reader, and to 'wish' he J. "knew" what to do to make you happy is an unrealistic expectation! He will fail and fail and disappoint you and disappoint you without him ever knowing!

As for what issues should be discussed and which should be left alone--I think if these two particular topics have caused you to ask anonymous women for advice, they probably need to be discussed, right?

These are balance issues.

"In the balance" they can be big important issues to some people, less so to others. They can be dumping issues compared to other behaviors in the relationship or they can be minor irritating quirks.

If he makes you SO happy in other ways you need to decide how important these are. BUT. And it is a big but. If you feel devalued or ignored in some way - and both of these behaviors are signs of both in many cases - you need to listen to your gut.

This is only your second BF. It may take time to figure out what it is you really want. and or need.

1- Go read the book 'He's J. not that into you'... that guy sounds like a JERK, and you can do waaay better.

2- Chivalry is NOT dead, but most guys need a reminder of that ;) I've been with my guy for 4 years, and have gotten flowers TWICE. He shows M. he loves and appreciates M. in other ways. Guys aren't mind readers... if they don't know you like that kind of thing, by all means, tell them.

Dating is trial and error. You're not going to learn about the good stuff unless you go through some of the bad. Don't try to jump right into another serious relationship. Even better, live (and love!) the single life for a bit; get to know YOURSELF... it will make landing the right guy easier. When you stop looking for love is when it's most likely to fall into your lap :)

He may be tuning you out but not in a bad way. I have worked in sales most of my life. At the end of my day I am peopled out. I need an hour sometimes more to be able to tune out other people. I can watch TV or read/answer email but I J. don't want to engage in converstion. Once I'm relaxed again I'm fine I can interact with people and make dinner ect but I need that hour or so to wind down.

As far as the romantic stuff and planning dates, tell him. He may have no idea. He also may have brought flowers and planned romantic dates for his ex and she didn't like it. So it's a matter of talking it all out.

You need to speak up it is alot of guys that are like that and even though your "not comparing" actually your ex is all you have to compare. This guy doesnt sound like a jerk but J. not as sensitive as your ex. Sit down and say we need to talk, I am very happy with you but i get the feeling your and go from there. Its not an argument its a common discussion. he doesnt know that u want or need these things if u dont mention it. He is male not psychic lol My husband is not the sensitive buys M. flowers or does things like my exes BUT on special occasions like anniversary he shows hes not J. here and that he cares. He doesnt come from a family that showeres others with gifts and what not so i dont expect it from him. Bottom line Talk to hima nd if in fact ur two two different in what u want well go from there.

ps been with hubby 5 years.

Communication, communication, communication. Use lots of "I" statements to tell him how you feel. Make sure you realize they are your feelings and he is not making you feel anything. Ask him why he does what he does without judgement. Try to understand where he is coming from, e.g. if he needs to unwind or never thought to bring you flowers. Then tell him what you want/need. If you tell him you like to be surprised with small gestures of romance, picking a flower or whatever, they will still be special. It may not be how you envisioned but maybe you need to adjust that vision. Or you can further explain that it's important to you to feel more of a surprise. If you feel like he is a keeper, continue working with him. Good luck to you!

You were with your ex for a looong time and it was all during your growing up years. Everyone is different. Some guys are more romantic than others. Some enjoy talking more than others.

If you want him to plan the date then you need to say "what would you like to do? Your choice!"

Honestly, the picking a flower thing and stuff like that is pretty trivial. Guess I can say that since I'm 40 lol. What's important is that someone is solid, makes you happy, is a good, stand up kind of guy, would take care of you when you were sick, does the right things, makes sure you know he thinks the world of you and makes you feel good about being together.

What I have learned is that women guide the ship many times. My husband loves M. dearly, would stop the world for M. but he's not a huge talker, he's not a planner for most social things. We laugh that I'm Social Director around here. I plan what we do and where we go 95% of the time. Is it tiring? Sure sometimes but that's J. part of our package and I know that we'll have fun-cause I planned it lol!

My ex would not tone M. out plus he would also surprise M. with flowers or some gift.

My husband now does the exact same thing as your bf: might say "well let M. read this email real quick" and then not ask M. to finish my conversation that I'd started with him. Drives M. nuts. I think he J. has a lot on his mind. Sometimes I'll bring it back up "So like I was talking about earlier . . . ." or sometimes if it's not a big deal, I'll J. drop it.

I also would love to get a surprise gift, but money's tight and so I don't pressure him. If I were you I would definitely not bring up your ex. Maybe you give him a spontaneous gift or plan a date. Perhaps he'll recipocate. Or if he says it was nice, say "I'd love for you to plan the next one." or "I like little surprises too."

Maybe you should send him some flowers

Does this happen a lot? Sorry it sounds like he's J. not that into you. Worse if you're intimate...Is that the only time he seems the most intrested and tuned in??? hmmm. Makes M. wonder.

Hi Jen--It might help if you read about the 5 love languages. Different people have different ways they receive/show love.

1. J. finish telling him whatever got interrupted later--you don't have to wait for him to ask you, and I don't think it means he is telling you to shut up.
2. If you really want him to bring you gifts and plan special dates, you might be out of luck there--some people don't think to show love in that way. You could try telling him you'd really like a surprise date. Maybe that seems not-as-special, but sitting around wishing doesn't feel very special either. :)

Maybe your guy does other things that don't seem as romantic--does he take care of your car, or take out the trash, make you coffee...etc.? Or maybe he's really physical, and doesn't see talking and gifts as love, but you do. It's not necessarily a deal breaker. To make it work, you learn to see what's actually good about this guy, not what you've imagined might be good. He's a real person.