Daddy Having Hard Time Visiting Baby in NICU

Hi M. - I did not read your other repsonses, so I may be repeating what some people have already said. But here goes...
When my son was 3 weeks old we went to the PICU at children's hospital. We had been involved in a car accident and my son was dying. My husband (who was not my husband when the accident happened, nor is he the biological father to my son) was the driver, and it was his fault. While there may be other things that contribute to his not wanting to be there, I really feel like the MAIN reason men (some, not all) do not like to be in the hospital is this... They can't fix it. Men often want to fix everything, and your husband CAN NOT make your son better. The waiting game is so hard. Husbands and fathers are normally the protectors and providers, and he was not able to protect Keegan. While it may not make sense to you, and truly it didn't make sense to me either, I think that may be the main reason.
I also have 4 brothers, and my three younger ones visited a few times when we were there (we were there for 7 weeks) but my brother that is the closest age to me did not show up until my son was in recovery (it took us 5 weeks to get there!). I remember that my feeling were so hurt that he wasn't able to get there and see us. I have since talked to him about that (and a lot of friends of mine as well) and they have said it is just to hard for them to get there and see him struggle, me cry, and all the machines keeping him alive. When he was in recovery it meant that he would live, and they could come and visit. Again, I still don't know how I feel about that, but I understand it may just be too hard.
Advice for you...It is so hard to wait and see, see if he will breath on his own, see if he can nurse, see if his body is functioning normally. I know how very hard it is to see your baby struggle, it is the WORST feeling in the world. You need to get your rest. I know it's easier said then done, but you need to sleep, take care of yourself, and stay healthy. Sooner than you know, Keegan will be home and you will be on duty...for at LEAST 18 more years. My prayers are with you.
L.
Also, my experience was this...when my son finally got out of the hospital, my husband was scared out of his mind to hold our son. He didn't want to hurt him, he didn't want to knock his NG tube out, he literally SHOOK everytime he held him for the first month or so when we were out of the hospital. I think that is normal too. For some reason, we women are just stronger when it comes to handling things like this (trauma). Love your son, and love your husband. As Keegan gets older and stronger your husband will become more and more involved.
L.

I am very sorry you are having to go through this. Especially at a time when you need support the most. I would chalk this up to more of a first time dad thing than a NICU thing. Men get kind of weird after their first child is born, don't expect it to end when you get home from the hospital. It's this whole adjusting to not being first any more, I guess. ;) Hang in there and do what is best for you and your son. Visit him as much as you want! My second was in the NICU for 19 days, and I was there all the time. Don't let any one else be your gauge for that, be there as much as you feel you need to be. As far as dad goes, encourage, but don't push. He'll come around.

I think that your husband is likely having a really hard time dealing with the anxiety over his new son's medical issues, and it's manifesting as him not being able to spend a lot of time in there with his son. Keep in mind that men are wired differently than us... just like your instincts are telling you to never leave the baby's side, at this stage, his "job" according to his paternal instincts is to protect his little one, and he can't do that right now. I wouldn't push him or judge him about it, it's just his way of coping with a situation that is likely tearing him up inside and is the most terrifying thing he's ever had to deal with. It's great that you are able to spend so much time with your son, and you should continue to do so! You may want to think about taking two cars to the hospital in case he would like to leave before you are ready. Just explain to him that you need to be there, and understand that he isn't feeling the same pull at this point.

After my first son was born, I was extremely hurt that my father, who I remember as a super hands-on dad, always playing with us, etc., didn't want to hold his first grandchild. My mom pulled me aside later and let me know that he had been the same way when we were infants, and that he was terrified of holding babies. Sure enough, as my son grew a little, my dad was right there wrestling around with him on the floor, swooping him up and tossing him into the air, and doing all of the things that grandpas are supposed to do. The same cycle happened with my second son. He was just afraid to interact with them when they seemed so fragile, even though my babies were both big, chunky, healthy boys.

Best of luck to all three of you, and I'm sure your hubby will come around. It sounds like your little guy is out of the woods now, and that you're doing a great job. Keep it up!

Congrats on your baby, albeit a little early. My daughter was 7 weeks early and spend 19 days in the NICU. My husband had a hard time just "sitting around." He wanted to be there and participated as much as he could, but just couldn't take the sitting for hours. One thing that really helped him bond was the kangaroo care. Have you begun that yet? That truly was his favorite part to get to spend time with our daughter. I would often not go down with him (or leave him alone) during this time so that it really was just time for they two of them. If you haven't done that yet, ask the nurses to begin it. They are never to early to lay on mommy or daddy's chest, be warm, and safe. It sounds like your little guy is progessing quickly. Good luck and I'm sure you'll be out very soon.
K. T

M.,

If you husband is anything like mine he probably feels 100% useless right now. His baby is little, is hooked up to a bunch of machines, and the nurses are probably telling him to be careful of this that or the other.

I have two kids, and a few time after my son was born but before my daughter hubby and I had a few conversations. During the 8-9 months I nursed my son he felt totally useless. I was the main food source and about all hubby could do was get me a drink if I wanted one.

The birth of a baby is a wonderful bonding time for us Mommy's, but Daddy kind of feels like a fifth wheel until the little one is a little more interactive. My kids are now 5 years and 19 months and they just light up when Daddy walks in the door.

Be patient with him and let him know that you still appreciate him for everything that he does do. It's different for all of us. And Congrats!! on the new addition to your life. I was almost 2 months premature nearly 30 years ago and have turned out pretty good. Your son has a better chance than I did.

Supportively,
Melissa

All the mothers have made very good suggestions. I, too, agree that this is a difficult time for your husband but in a different way than it is for you. Sounds like he is involved but not to the extent that you want him to be. It's only been in the last generation or two that men have been consistently involved with their babies. The father is frequently uncomfortable with babies even when they are well and home from the hospital.

Also the two of you have different roles to play. Yours is to nurture this baby to health. His is to continue functioning so that he can continue working to support his family financially. He, by necessity, has two strong pulls on his emotion. He wants to support you emotionally but he doesn't know how. He must also maintain a strong connections with his work while navigating the new role of father.

The more you insist that he stay longer and go everyday, the more anxious he becomes. Your wanting him at the hospital and his not being able to be there for whatever reason adds to his sense of failure.

I encourage you to let go of wanting him at the hospital. It is possible that if you relax, praise him when he does go and express empathy for his difficult role in having an ill baby in NICU, that he'll be able to drob his defenses, become more relaxed and be able to visit more often. I would start out asking him to be with you and the baby together for small periods of time. The amount of time he can more easily be there. When he does this and you are thankful what he has given you he may be able to visit more. Right now I suspect he's feeling helpless and inadequate as a father. The less pressue you put on him to confirm to your wishes the less time he'll feel defensive and unable to do as you ask.

I have a friend who was in the hospital and rehab after knee replacement surgery. It became a joke that he came for 18 minute visits. His wife resented the short visits and whined when he was there. He felt that he couldn't do anything and being there caused him pain. He was also still running his own business and had to work.

In general, men do not deal well with sickness, hospitals, and the feeling of helplessness. Asking them to spend more time with you adds to his frustration. He wants to be supportive of you and the baby but he also needs to take care of himself in the best way he knows how. If he confirms to you wishes he is likely to "freeze" up emotionally because he isn't honoring his needs.

I, too, woulk want my husband there but not all of the time. My focus would be on the baby. I would also need to do a lot of talking and processing emotions. Most men are unable to do that so intensely. I recommend that you let up on expecting your husband to be by your side any more than he is. In reality he is spending more time with you and the baby than most fathers would be spending.

I'd enlist the support of my women friends. They could take turns staying with you and listening to you and especially support your love and fears.

I'd also begin to find ways that I could support myself. Perhaps take time to visit with girl friends. Go out to dinner, take in a movie, luxuriate in a bubble bath. Read something absorbing but totally irrelevant to your baby. Include in this time with your husband, during which the baby is not brought up. Be loving and kind to each other. Recognize that aboth of you have different frustations and anger and each of you handles it differently from the other. But that you are still friends. As difficult as it is to do right now, nurture your relationship by both being responsible for their own needs. Once both of your needs for emotional support from the other by validating the other's needs but not requiring that the other meet all of those needs you both will be able to be more relaxed, less needy, and less defensive and angry. Then the "wall" comes down and in the long run both of you will have the other's support in the way that they can provide it. WAnting someone to do something that they are unable to do makes them withdraw and a wall goes up. Then you feel even more alone.

Take the attitude that we are in this together. You want to and also need to spend a lot of time at the hospital. Apparently your husband, at this time, is unable to spend as much time with you as you want. In reality fathers do not usually get involved with their babies until the baby is older, stronger, and can play. They do not have the emotional drive to nurture in the same way that mother's do. That is the way it is. You cannot change him or his way of doing things. You can change your own expectations so that you'll feel the support he's able to give, knowing that his actions are not meant to be hurting. He wants to be there for you but he feels unable to do what you want and so feels your displeasure with him. All of us respond much better to positive feedback and undemanding requests. If he knows that the amount of time he is there is enough. If he knows that you accept his feelings and are not critical of what he does and vice-versa, you both can relax some and have a closer relationship.

It is really, really hard to empathize with your husband while you are so utterly swept up in "new mom" hormones, "first-time" excitement and anxieties, and many months of intimate, in-utero bonding with your little boy.

Your hopes that your husband will be as engaged and excited are completely natural. And they are not especially realistic. Your husband has been willing to at least talk about your frustrations, but apparently can't relate to all that you are feeling. How could he? Guys are emotionally wired differently from women, and he doesn't have all the hormones in his system that you do right now. He could probably use some empathy from you - I'll bet he's feeling ill-equipped to interact with the baby or with you in ways that he would find meaningful or satisfying at this precarious stage.

And as a result, he's probably feeling rather left out. I hear that you are doing everything you can to include him, but what works for you is simply not working in the same way for your husband. It sounds like his attempts to get "into the loop" so far have been mostly at your insistence. He may need space and time to find his own relationship with your son, and for many dads, this simply doesn't happen until months later, no matter how much mommy and daddy both wish it were otherwise.

If you look at this as some sort of failure on your husband's part, it could affect his view of his own "daddy potential," and negatively affect his future relationship with his family.

If you are able to understand and support his situation, anxieties and confusion, that could strengthen his appreciation for what a great wife he has. If you CAN'T do that because of your understandable preoccupation with your new baby, then your husband will still be responding heroically by simply surrendering your care and attention to this new, strange and fragile little life that has entered his family.

You'll give your husband (and yourself!) a gift if you can give him time to struggle with his own difficulties. Enjoy the ways he's able to support you, be grateful that you have a husband you can love so dearly. Every day, tell him ways you appreciate him. Share your excitement about Keegan's progress without pressuring your husband to identify in the same way.

He'll appreciate your joy vicariously, especially if that's all that's emotionally available to him right now. He'll come around, M., and he'll be able to do that more gracefully if he doesn't experience a burden of resentment from you.

M.!

congrats on your beautiful little boy and I hope he's home soon.

I, too, wanted to chime in and say that your husband is very typical of all new fathers. Most new fathers feel and act helpless when the baby comes home. And this is when both baby and mom are healthy and the delivery was normal.

My husband was terrified to hold our dd for weeks. He was afraid to change her diaper because he felt it was inappropriate for a man to clean a baby girl's private parts. He stood around helpless when I cried over how much breastfeeding hurt.

Add to this, the fact that your little one came early and is now spending the beginning of his life in NICU.

I know this is not what any of us wants to hear, but your husband is reacting to this situation the same way most men would (I have met a few exceptions, but they are exceptions!). Most men are terrible when it comes to nurturing and being with someone who is sick. This is an area in which women are truly the stronger gender. There are other areas where men are stronger, but NOT this one.

Women, in general, will rise to the incredible task of loving someone through illness, despair, and hopelessness. We have a great capacity to just sit with someone, to listen to them, and to be with them even when there appears to be very little hope (this is NOT the case with your son, I'm just using this as an example).

Men, in general, fall apart in such situations and they will run as far as they can.

Your situation is a tough one and I wouldn't blame you if you were unable to understand all of this right now. But please know that your husband is normal, I have no doubt he loves you and his son, and he will come around.

Sending you warm prayers, M.

M.,

My son was in the NICU for 3 weeks. My husband did not visit daily. He went to work in 7am. I set up my own schedule to be with my son from 11am to 7pm (shift change) daily. Every 2nd day my husband would visit for an hour after work. I think being at the hospital so late may be draining for your husband and maybe for you too. Set reasonable visiting hours and get home in time to connect with your husband and get some good sleep. Before long you will all be home together. Let your husband work through this in his own way. Men often like to fix things and make them right. Having baby in nicu is difficult situation for dad because he is probably uptight with the situation... can't fix it. Once he can get to know his boy at home, all that daddy affection is sure to wow you. Meet your husband where he's at! I believe he'll come around. Best wishes for you and your family.

Hi M., I too had an 8 week early baby. My situation was a little different in that I had to stay in the hospital an extra 3 weeks due to complications with my surgery. But, I do sort of feel your pain.

I think it is two-fold. I think men want to fix situations quickly and the things they cannot fix scares them. This is not something they talk about rather something I have observed. It is not an easy place, the NICU. It is not easy for people to see babies with tubes and wires coming out of them every which way. It sounds like your little boy is doing very well but I am sure there are other babies in the NICU much worse and I think it is all very hard to take in.

I think you are dead on about the maternal thing too. We have a natural sense of wanting to be near our babies. I don't think men have that at least not as strongly. They love their babies, they want their babies but they do not have that longing of having them against your chest as they sleep or any of those things we think about often.

Don't get too down on your hubby. I am sure he is just not quite sure what he is thinking or feeling. This being his first baby he probably thought things would be much different. And he will adjust.

I will pray for you guys. I know it is hard and somedays it feels like you will never get that little one home...but you will! The accomplishments he has made already proves what a strong little guy he his.

S.

I had a bay in thw nicu and hospital. And had the same problem and with my husband it wass the setting and everything going on. It's hard to see your baby lieing there helpless and with wires and stuff all over them. Men have a very hard time seeing other in pain ar being helpless with out being able to fix all the problems. So just give him space he get over it one day he hold him come to tears and never want to leave his side. Best of luck to you and your new family.

D.

Yes, dear heart - I did have the exact same experience - and my husband had the same reaction. Guys want so badly to solve things - and this terrifying, heartbreaking, joyeous- amazing journey is something they can't solve -. So in many cases- they are hesitant - reluctant - and withdrawn-. That does NOT mean they won't make fabulous Daddy's - it just means that they are overwhelmed and struggling. You are too- but many of the plusses are things they can't share - YOU get to breastfeed - YOU have a '' nine months long' bond already with this beloved little body- whereas many Daddys' need the child to be up and mobile - wallking and babbling before they feel safe to express their love and adoration. Accept this as a thin patch - And oh I do pray that these wonderful steps forward continue- please let us know ( my own dear baby boy - was born at a good birth weight but completely un-ready lungs --- suffered from my undiagnosed gestational diabetes -which had been tested during my pregnancy with him- but the test was a 'false negative'. He spent 10 days inthe nicu and came within a hairsbreadt of death- but survived- and came home and was and is a total delight - is all grown now- but those days are still so vivid in my heart)

Love,
J.
aka Old Mom

I have never been through what youare going througn, but I would like to congratulate you on the arrive of your little blessing. I see the way my hubby is with our children he can't stand to hear them cry, it is so bad, when we drop our son off at the daycare at our church i have to do, while he takes our daughter to children church. But what i am getting at, women can deal with things like this a little more than a man. They hold some much pain and guilt inside. Men feel helpless when they can not do something to take the pain away so they get standoffish, my hubby would did that alot when i was pregnant he felt so bad when he could not take the pain away so he would get irriated. Just give him some space to get his feeling together, i am sure he will come around.

Hi, I just wanted to say congratulations on the birth of your baby :o) I cannot offer advice as I am currently struggling to get my husband to spend bonding time with our 10 month old. But I did want to add that you are doing a fantastic job with your little one! In high school I volunteered in a children's hospital and it always broke my heart to see infants there alone without their parents. Keep up the great work providing your little one with the security he needs!

First, congratulations! Your son is so lucky to have you as a mommy. What you are doing is probably helping him so much to make those changes you are talking about. There have been studies and with my own eyes I've seen miraculous changes in babies whose mothers stay with them all the time they can in the NICU. Singing, talking, as much skin to skin as is possible, being the person who does the feedings as often as possible makes a huge difference to these little guys. They know your voice and your scent and really want nothing more than for you to care for them.

That being said, just being in the NICU is really hard for some people. It's a disturbing environment if you aren't accostomed to the machines and seeing such helpless little souls. It must be very hard to bond when you aren't comfortable with your environment. I'm sure that it will happen, though. You and your husband are just different people, and you have different hormones running through you right now. I hope that you can have patience with each other, as having a new baby is always emotional. Having a baby in a NICU proves just how strong you and your little fighter can be.

Go easy on him. The hospital can be an extremly exhausting place first off.I can't pull up in the parking lot without getting tired. The NICU is a hard place to be in. From my experiance men like to be able to "fix" problems be more in comtrol of things. When your child is in there they are helpless. There is nothing that can be done to help your child is the way I think they see it, It's not that they don't care or want to be with the child, but alot of men can't or don't know how to deal with the feelings and emotins that come with walking into a place like the NICU. As a mom I can almost not walk in there without feeling almost overwhelmed and scared, helpless and thats with the maternal instincts. And we all know most men don't like to admit those felings too often. And he may not realize that is what is going on. I have a feeling things will change when your child comes home. Enjoy your new baby. Tiff

Many men are “fix it” when it comes to emotions and problems. NICU isn’t an easy “fix it” environment. And, it doesn’t exactly play into all the bonding opportunities of a new parent (or any parent). Being another NICU mom, I saw many people respond in many ways regarding their babies in NICU. Your husband sounds like he is doing what he needs to do to cope. I know it’s very difficult to balance all that comes with being in NICU every day. And, you both have your own way of dealing with that. Another side to this is his place with you and how he is processing not being the only man in your life now. It’s a lot all at once. Even if your baby wasn’t in NICU, this would be a huge adjustment of expectations for both of you. My suggestion would be to give him his own time with baby in NICU (if you haven’t already). Let him find his way with his son with the help of NICU staff. It might help his own bonding time with baby and he may be able to actually offer up a story or experience of his own. I know it helped my husband to take temperature, change a diaper, ask his own questions, without me there. As parents, we learn we can’t spend every moment together. You’re facing this change quicker than some because of your NICU experience. I’m impressed you reached out to this group. Good job! You’re already WAY ahead of where I was as a first time mom. Keep that going. You will not hold resentment the same if you find a support system outside of your husband and talk about these feelings. And, together you guys will find your way in this. You just wait until he gets that opportunity to bond, in a way that works for him. There’s no stopping them then (smile). CONGRATS on your baby boy!!!!! Good luck getting him home soon.

I don't have firsthand experience with this, but my sister had a 6 week preemie, and she herself had a hard time going to visit her son. It was just hard for her to see him vibrating from the ventilator, hooked up to all the gadgets...

Knowing how men like to fix things, I'd imagine the same is true for him. He's powerless, and being there likely only reinforces that. I don't know your husband, of course, but I'd imagine he also has a hard time keeping fears and tears in check.

Is it possible to be there without him? You should be able to be there as much as you are able. It would be lovely if he shared that, but seems as if his healing path takes a different route.

I hope you are getting the support and love you need at home. Sounds like your little guy is a real fighter. (hug)

Both my boys were born early. The first 10 weeks and the 2nd 9 weeks. My husband didn't spend much time at each visit. He only went once a day after work. Your husband may be scared to spend time with him because he fears of the outcome not being good. If he is comeing even after work for an hour he can still bond with Keegan. Let him change his diaper, take his temp & feed him. Have you guys done kangaroo care? It's a great bonding time. Don't worry, guys are differant. He'll come around. Enjoy your alone time with Keegan. I would read to my boys and talk to them about their new room and all the people waiting to see them. It sounds like Keegan is a real fighter!

Good Luck

Congrats on your new little one and doing so well. I know it is hard to feel like your spouse is not as into your baby as you are. We mamas have pretty much an instant connection to our baby. We have been protecting, feeding and have been the only way they can survive until they are born. But it does not stop there. We still do all these things and more when our child is born. Men do not form that connection and bond right away. For most of them, the connection clicks when they have a personality and can communicate on some level. It can be frustrating because you want someone to share your everything you are experiencing right now, good and bad, and you feel he is not doing that. He may feel right now that there is noting he can do for your son. Men are doers, fixers. If there is a problem they solve it. Here, there is a problem, your son came early and is having to have treatments and such to help him get strong to come home. your husband can not help or fix what is happening. Maybe by being there it is an in your face reminder of how he is inadequate to do anything. He does not realize that by being there with you and his son that he is doing something. But it is on an emotional level and men do not really work on the emotional level. Just focus on what you and your baby needs. And know that any time he does spend there is a good thing and not focus on the time he does not spend there. Good luck.

Hi M.-

First of all- congrats on the new baby! My first child,was also a preemie and spent 10 days in the NICU before bringing her home.

It's difficult enough to adjust to being a first time parent, but then to add the stress and concern that go along with a preemie can be overwhelming. Maybe your husband is having a hard time dealing with all the newness and the concept of the NICU and not being able to bring the baby home right away.

I know it was very trying on me and my husband to be running back and forth for feedings. It was hard on us to not be able to bring her home right away.

I guess my advice is to be patient with him, and try to get him to open up about how he is feeling about the whole thing.

Good luck!

M.... congratulations on all the progress your little guy is making... he'll be home in no time... everyone deals with change and stress differently and you and your husband are in the middle of it all... our first was 6 weeks early and did a 10 day stint in the nicu... i remember how heartbreaking it was leaving the hospital without him and even more so every time we visited... while we tried to spend as much time there as we could... it was crazy-stressful rushing to and from the hospital... my husband actually started working 1/2 days so that he could afford more time off when we brought our son home... one of us tried to be there for every feeding between 8am and 11pm... and we were lucky to be able to do that as many parents had to travel much farther... but the nicu nurses also encouraged us to visit only once or twice a day and spend a bit longer there rather than rushing around all day... be confident that your little guy is in good hands and try to rest yourself or do a little nesting at home because b4 you know it he'll be home with you... i also tried to find something positive in that difficult time being that at least i knew that he wasn't coming home until they were absolutely sure about him and he came home on a 3 hour schedule... which i really appreciated after our 2nd was born and wanted to eat all the time :) good luck and congrats...

Hi M.,
I am so sorry that your little guy is struggling so much. I am glad he is progressing.

I know you said that you talk about your frustrations. I was wondering if you have asked your dh how he feels about the situation? I don't want to speek for him, I could be wrong. He may be feeling overwhelmed because he can't FIX the problems with your son. He feels helpless there and without the maternal insticts and bonding, his reaction is to withdraw. To spend his time on things he can affect. Maybe if you ask him, without baiting him, just ask him how he feels and why he wants to go, you could move on from there and help him to understand how important it is for Keegan to be touched, held, talked to by the voices that will be his parents for the rest of his life. This time is important for developing family bonds as well as his recovery. Maybe you could be there together part of the time and take turns other times. Maybe dh could stay while you go home and do some things you need to do, while you later stay with Keegan and dh can go do what he needs to do. Then, in the evening you could stay together. As badly as you want him to understand you, you need to try to understand him also. This will help you both to feel heard and your needs to be addressed mutually. I hope and pray that your Keegan is healthy very quickly.

Blessings,
J.

Hi M.
One of the things that is not tought in school is that men and women think and feel diferent. Your Husband is doing the absolute best he can. There are a lot of people that can not even step foot in a hospitle no matter what. Under stand your wants and needs are not his. Your expectations for him are yours. Ask Him what His wants and needs are and honer his words. If he says he does not know than trust that he does not know. If a woman goes to a man with a problem there is usualy one of two responces, He will want to fix it as fast as he can or it will seam to him that he can not fix it and so there is nothing for him to do. For a man to watch helplesly and do nothing is one of the hardest things he can do. Remember MEN are the weeker sex and they are hard wired to act and be a sertin way. Another big facter is the community you live in and the friends that you all hang with. Men need to feel like they are worth something as we do and now the time that you HAD been spending with him is taken up by this little one that he can not help so now he may be feeling like the outsider. As you are rapped up in this new life that is in so much need remember the one that helped you bring this life in to this world and Communicate not isolate, lisen and hear, not just with your head but with your heart and hear what is not being said. All people have there limits and to go beond them is not good. If your husband can only spent 5 minets in the NICU with you be greatful. Some moms do not have any one to be there with or for them. You are truly blessed.

After reading some of the responses that people have already left, two things come to mind. First, as someone said, it seems that men do take a little longer to warm up to a new baby. It's not that they don't love them right from the start, but obviously your husband doesn't have the physical, maternal bond that you do with your son. That's just physiological; you can't change that! It will come in time.
The other though I had was maybe you're husband is feeling helpless about the situation. Your tiny son has to stay in the hospital for a while, he's being cared for around the clock, you're finally able to nurse him - what's left for your husband to do? He may feel like he's in the way, or maybe not able to contribute anything yet so what's the point in his being there? Again, while it's extremely frustrating for you, I would try my best to not get to upset about it, and focus all of your love and energy on your new son. I'd be willing to bet that things change as soon as you get home... :)

Good luck!

It sounds like your husband is very typical.... I know my husband would've probably responded the same way. I asked him why he does things like that and he says it makes him uncomfortable because he wants to fix the situation, but there's nothing he can do. Hang in there.... I know it's tough, but that's why you have websites like this to turn to. :0) Congrats by the way!

Congratulations! Dad's often don't feel like they can do much for a new baby, and a baby in the NICU probably makes him feel even more useless. That's how my husband felt. He also has a general need to feel like he's 'doing something', and sitting around the NICU, looking at a baby, doesn't 'qualify' as 'doing something'. During our 10 week NICU stay, DH went back to work, and while he was at the hospital, he spent a lot of time working from his computer, so he had something to do. My DH also didn't really engage much with our boys until they were close to coming home. At that point we were doing most of their care, and they seemed more like 'our babies'. It sounds like Keegan won't be in for too much longer. I would hang in there for a bit longer, and he will probably be a little more engaged once you get home.

Your hubby may have "hospital issues". My father hates the hospital. To the point that his brother was having open heart surgery, and he could not bring himself to go to the hospital.
Also men think they have to keep their family safe, healthy, and happy. And when something happens to effect this, men have a hard time dealing with it.
The best thing for you to do is sit down and talk it out.
Then come to a common ground that you two can meet on. This may be that he will visit the baby XYZ tims for XYZ time a day. But that you are allowed to go when ever you want.
The most important thing is to keep talking. Share your feelings, and concerns. Hear his feelings and concerns.
God bless you!

Hi M.,
Hang in there- My daughter spent her first week in NICU and it was heartbreaking, but it all turned out well- She is 3.5 and thriving- you would never guess she had a rough start!

As for your husband- everyone processes things differently. It may be too much for him to handle right now- or maybe the way he handles it is to focus on the details of what needs to happen to keep life running smoothly, and the emotions will kick in later. This is a time when you will learn a lot about yourself, as well as your spouse. I would say give him time- let him know you would like him to be there and why it is important to you, but don't nag- give him the opportunity to join you, but also give him space if he can't do it right now. It does not mean he won't be a good father, and that he won't bond with your son, he just may need more time to figure out what to do with all these feelings. Being a first time parent is life changing enough, but to start in NICU makes things a little more complex.

Hope that helps- and I hope your son continues to do well-

Hang in there- you are doing great!

S.

My heart goes out to you! How encouraging that Keegan was born on your birthday and that he is making huge strides. It sounds like your husband is scared. Sometimes people, esp. dads, are so overwhelmed with hospital procedures and seeing how tiny and helpless a preemie is that they want to avoid it altogether. Yet, he does need to be there for you and your son for longer times. I would suggest he seek out a male friend, pastor, counselor, or helping friend to get him through the tough times of dealing with his feelings. Some guys need another male to talk them through the nurturing part. You are right to understand that your maternal instincts call you to be there full time. I think that your husband needs a friend to help him and you with this negotiation. God bless. I trust that you will get through this and Keegan will grow up to be a strong and strapping man! I teach children who have gone through this and they are a wonder to watch in the classroom!

Hi M.,

Congrats on your new little baby. We have a little in common, I also have a son who was a preemie, although nothing like what you are going through, and I have another son whose name is Keegan. It's a great name. My son just turned 8 years old. Anyways, from my experience, yes, dads always have a hard time visiting the NICU. Especially when the baby is having to go through so much, it's hard for dads to watch that. My preemie is now 5 years old, and it was hard for his dad to admit to his developmental delays. It doesn't mean that daddy doesn't care as much as you do, he just has a different way of showing it. Hang in there, and don't ever feel guilty for spending every moment you can and want to in the NICU with your son.

I am a first time mother to a son who was born 5 weeks early. My husband had a difficult time, not just visiting the NICU, but also recovering from the trauma of a difficult birth. He truly thought he was going to loose both of us. I am pleased to report my son just turned 2 years old, and he is a happy, healthy, active boy. We recently went to the NICU reunion at the hospital, and I didn't realize until I saw all the special equipment as a reminder what a difficult time that was for all of us. Somehow I just blocked it out. Bottom line...try not to be too hard on your husband. He is dealing with the stress of a child in the NICU and becoming a parent and worrying about you as best as he can.

Maternal instinct probably has a lot to do with it and that you know that you are an integral part of your son improving...as far as encouraging breast feeding. Your husband probably feels very powerless in the situation. Guys work very different from girls...in that when they see a problem they want to fix it...find a solution. Sadly, in this situation there is no solution he has control of. All he can do is stand at the bedside and hope that your son continues to progress and wait for the hospital to give the okay to take him home. Just let him know how much it means to you that he is spending time with the baby and you in your time of need for support. You could also find some studies on-line that show how important cuddle time and feelings of parental connection are to developing premies...because guys work much better with hard core fact...maybe that would provide a different aspect on this difficult time. I wish you and your family the best of luck!

I know exactly what you are feeling. I had my son at 33weeks and only stayed 5 days, whereas Michael was in the NICU for 12 days. The day I was discharged I wanted to come back to the hospital immediately, but my husband was resistant. It caused a little tension between us, but when we talked together I realized how hard all of it had been for him. He had a very difficult time watching me in the hospital, knowing that I was not well, then having to make the decision to have our son early and hope that everything was okay. Physically it was hard on him, driving back and forth between home and the hospital. (He did choose to spend the night, but then he was uncomfortable on the hospital cot!) Because our son came early and in such a dramatic fashion, my husband had a hard time adjusting. I would suggest talking to your husband. See what he is feeling, why he is resistant to going to the NICU. The NICU was NOT my husband's favorite place. But once we got our son home, he was a very devoted and wonderful father.

There are a lot of resources at the NICU for you to access as well. As a mother, we are so focused on bonding with our little one, we sometimes forget about education. On our discharge day from the NICU they gave us a checklist of things - like "Do you feel comfortable giving your baby a bath?" This checklist spurred my husband into guy-gear. He made a list of all the supplies we needed, went out and got them, went home and set up the baby bathtub, the sun shields on the car, etc. I would suggest talking to a NICU nurse to see if there are some educational materials that you and your husband could work on together.

I know right now the focus of your world is your baby, but just think about your husband - his world focuses on YOU and the baby and he needs to know that both of you are doing well right now.

Good luck!

Oh, good luck with your little boy! My daughter was 10 weeks early and was in the NICU at Evergreen for 5 1/2 weeks. We decided that my husband wouldn't take any leave until after she came home from the hospital so that he could help me out at that point... I would go to the hospital at 7:30am each morning to hold her for her 8am feeding, then stay all day. I'd go home at 6pm, have dinner with my husband, then we would both go back for her 8pm feeding and stay until 10 or so. I also felt sad that I couldn't really share all of her accomplishments with my husband, and I think it is so natural to feel that need to be with your little one constantly while they are in the NICU. I remember holding back tears every night when we would leave her... Even when she came home from the hospital, my husband still had a hard time with all of the care she required. I don't know if it was just maternal instinct, but it definitely frustrated me that he wouldn't want to hold her immediately when he would get home from work. I needed a break, but he also needed a break for a bit from working all day... Things definitely got better over time though. Sorry I don't have any real advice, just know you are not the only one that has felt what you are experiencing with your little premie!

My husband and I argued about this a few times when our twins were in the NICU. I wanted to visit more often and spend as much time with them as possible. He felt that we would have all the time in the world with them once they got home, so why not concentrate on getting the house ready for babies? Spencer ended up being in the NICU for 10 weeks, and Truman for 12 weeks. After a while, I actually found it was helpful to take breaks, and the nurses encouraged us to take some time off. My husband and I compromised: I was there every day, during the day for at least a few hours. Then we would come back at night, but we would take turns taking one or two nights off a week. This worked out well, and gave us time to get the house together. The boys still had at least one of us there morning and night.

It could be that your husband is not as comfortable with newborns yet or he might not be comfortable with hospitals. Also some men, even though they love their babies and do hold them at times just are't too into the newborn stage (like my husband and many men in his family) they start getting more into things once the baby starts learning to play and communicate. Most women,I think are more excited about all the little things new babies do. Maybe it is a maternal thing. I've been there it's normal. As long as he's willing to spend time with your child I wouldn't worry too much. He might just need a little more time. It's probably easier for you because the baby was inside of you for all those months so your more used to being around him 24/7.
H. T.

hi M.,
I have read Most of the responces. and I a agree, but could it be that it scares him to be there? I think that time is your friend, but give you hubby a break he's scared too, And
yes he will come around.

I don't have any experience with the NICU, but, my experience with new dads in general is that they take a little bit longer to warm up to babies than moms do. I think it is a combination of being a bit unsure about the new creature, and not really knowing what they can do to help out. I imagine that having such a little guy, and being in a hospital setting where his interaction is more limited, is going to make things worse. They do come around, so don't fear that this is indicative of your child's whole life with dad. Dad's really love it when the baby starts to smile and interact with them.

My best advice to you is to relax about dad. Encourage him to hold and touch Keegan whenever possible. If you can, help him figure out ways that he can actually contribute to you and baby. Make sure that you let him know when he does things right - 'Keegan really seemed happy to be in your arms', or 'It made me feel really good to have you next to me while i was nursing'. In the mean time, keep doing what you feel you need to for yourself and Keegan - be at the hospital for all the nursings, etc.

First of all I've never had a child in the NICU, but our first child was in the nursery for the first 5 days of his life due to some complications during childbirth and difficulty breathing. My thoughts are that your husband may be having a really hard time seeing his child in the NICU and feeling really helpless. This could be very frustrating to him that he can't do anything to make his son better. You two need to talk about the fact that you are two different people and need to take care of your own needs. If you need and want to be at the NICU as much as possible to be with you son then you should do that. At the same time try to be understanding that your husband is going through his own emotions about the situation and his way of coping may be to stay away from it. He will probably regret not being there, but he has to take care of himself and deal with the situation in his own way as a way of coping. I really hope your son is discharged soon and you can all be together as a family. Just hang in there and be there for your son. Your husband will come around. Just be happy that you get to see all the amazing things your son is doing and make sure to record them in some way so your husband can enjoy his progress as well.

It's my experience that men are fixers. He may have a hard time visiting baby because he is helpless to "fix" what's wrong. He might also be worried about what else could go wrong... I'm sure that he loves Keegan, but might feel a little out of place. You know, first time dad, baby that is so tiny and helpless, you who are fragile probably physically and emotionally about the health of your baby. He can't help with any of that. He can't wave his magic "I can fix this" wand and make you feel secure, make your baby strong enough to come home, and make both of your anxiety about the situation go away. I think it's just that men deal with things differently and he's trying the best he can. He may not want to add to your worry with his own worries. This is a great deal of responsibility for him to shoulder. Give him time to adjust. I am so glad that Keegan is making strides toward coming home. Maybe you will see a change in your hubby when you can bring your son home. I will pray for you. Let us know what happens and when you are able to welcome your bundle home. Congratulations!

Hi M.! My little boy was born five weeks early and it sounds like our babes’ situation was very similar. Mine is now a happy healthy inquisitive toddler--you'll be amazed how fast it happens. I can only second what everyone else was saying about your husband probably feeling a little anxious and a little helpless. Your husband may also be holding the baby at a distance emotionally because he is afraid of losing him. I hate to make generalized statements, but men typically aren't as comfortable talking about their fears as women are. Taking care of things at home is practical and hands on. The hospital is full of things that are out of his control, while home is comfortable and normal. First time dads feel out of their league with any baby, but a preemie is even scarier. My husband was really worried that he would somehow hurt the baby because he was so little and fragile looking. He (dad) was incredibly anxious about every little thing. One of the worst things for him was the monitors. Every drop in oxygen saturation levels, every slowing in the pulse, every drop in his blood pressure worried my husband. Once the monitors were disconnected and they could interact without some machine sounding the alert constantly, my husband felt much better. Take good care, and I am sure Keegan will be home with you and your husband very soon!

M., i don't have advise about your situation in particular but i will say, my husband is a great father but there are times that i feel that he should spend more time with the kids. i believe it is because moms and dads parent differently. mothers nurture tons more. i think it is a natural thing. i have noticed that my husband fills the slots of things i cant or dont do well. such as playing with them. it also may be very hard for him (not that it isnt for you) my son was born full term and my husband was happy but was scared of him and my daughter until they were about 3-6weeks. thats when he really stepped in. he was so unsure of himself at first. you are in my prayers. and congrats

I'm sorry you're not feeling the support you're wanting from your husband, but I'm thrilled that your little guy is doing so well! While moms have 9 months to transition to parenting, my husband said he didn't feel like a parent until he held our daughter the first time. Maybe it's just harder on your husband since your son is hospitalized. It's really normal for dads to just take a little time. It's SUPER important that you and your husband talk about things and make sure you're both okay with things because your son is REALLY going to need you both when he does come home!

I was in your same shoes 5 years ago when my twin’s girls were born 3 months early. The girls spent 3 months in the NICU with me there every day. My husband would come up once or twice a week for maybe an hour. I was able to start kangaroo holding my girls right away, but my husband was too scared. It took the nurse to tell him he was holding his girls and she put them in his arms. After the first month of begging him to come spend more time, I stopped asking. He asked why I stopped asking him to come, I told him, and I was done begging him. It was his choice to come or not. And I left it at that. My story has a sad ending; one of my girls was so tiny that she passed away shortly after our talk. I was alone with her. At first he tried to make me feel guilty for not begging him to visit. I had gained a backbone from all the loss and refused to allow him to make me feel guilty. Again I told him, it was his choice to come or not. After 3 months in the NICU our daugher who weighted 1 pound 3 oz came home our her due date. She's not a 5 year old firecraker. Stop asking, do what you need to do for your son. Your husband is adult, man who can make the same choice. I know that sounds harsh, and you love him. I did too.

Hello M.,

My daughter was also a preemie and was born at San Francisco Children's Hospital and we lived 45 minutes away in Sonoma. She was in the NICU for 6 weeks and I traveled there daily to be with her. My husband was in a critical time in school and I really wanted him to stay in school and study so he could graduate in time (a 36 year old - going back to school). I don't know if he had the ability to stay all day, if he would want to. It was definitely a "mommy" thing for me to stay there all day. My husband would come down after school - one time for only 5 mintues before they kicked us out for rounds.

I would back off you "need" for your husband to be there - he will bond with your son how he needs to bond with him. Forcing him to bond will only cause poor feelings towards you. Share your son's milestones with him via photos, video and conversations. Being in a hosptial with all the monitors, sick babies and hospital staff is very tough for some people - especially those that only want to fix what's wrong and can't.

Give him a hug, tell him how happy you are that your son has arrived and let him be a dad - you be a mom. You are going to disagree often in the raising of your child - you need to figure out which "fish" are important to fry and when. Go get some sleep!

Positively,
M. Hughes