Dad Wants to Visit.

I was in a similar situation with my son's father. I finally told him that it was my job as the mom to protect my son. My door was always open for him to come and see him, which he chose not to, and I always sent an invitation to him (and girlfriend if he had one) and to the rest of his family for birthday parties, first communions etc. In the begining he would come but that eventually stopped. The older my son got the more often his father would call and by then (14yrs.) my son would know not to count on his dad showing up when he would say he was going to. I met a great guy when my son was 3 and through that and my dad and the other males in my family my son had a great and normal childhood. I would be honest with him when he would ask me "why didn't daddy show up" and tell him that his daddy did love him he just has a hard time following through with things. My son passed away when he was 16 and his father missed out on his whole life which was HIS CHOICE!! I feel good that I protected him from all the heart break that was headed his way through his birth father. Best of luck to you. Stand strong!! Things will work out.

April,

In short: Not a chance in hell that my son would be going to visit his father if I were in your shoes.

In all honesty, I'd have to wonder WHY he wants to see him so badly when he's wanted nothing to do with him financially or otherwise? The man is a stranger to your son and has had some pretty questionable actions already with regard to the situation.

Stick to your guns and (if you want) continue to open your home to allow him to see your son. I can't even say that I'd be willing to do that, but that's just me.

Good luck,

T.

DO NOT let him take your son anywhere.
You can easily get a court order for supervised visitations if he wants to see him. And he should not have a probelm with that if he truly wants to see see him. His family can be the supervisors.
Further more if he does not support his son financially he has no rights. The saftey of your son is your only concern.

I would do it all the right way- thru court. The court wouldn't even grant a one year old unsupervised visitation with the father with that type of background. Me, personally, I would not allow my child to go with his dad unattended if your son is too young to talk and tell you what's going on when he's with his dad. Just out of peace of mind, he should be allowed to visit his dad by himself when he's maybe... 3? Whenever he can remember and tell you things. You would like to have his father in his life, but at the same time our first job as mother's is to protect our kids, right? When he gets a little older they can bond, but for now I couldn't be at peace giving away my baby to someone that may be a tad disfunctional.

No way shoudl you let him visit him. Do what you need to and trust your instincts

Hi April,

You have control over your son's life not his father. You need to set grounds rules that will provide your son with stability. Whatever you decide to do put it in writing so if anything occurs you have a paper trail.

Lauren C.,
Paralegal
CarriDrew Paralegal Servicess
###-###-#### Bus.

If it's a matter of your son's health and safety, I would say definately NO!

You've given enough information here and it made me feel very uncomfortable. I would not give your son to him. like you said, he's a stranger to your son.

Make sure you document everything that has been said and done in regards to his father and his side of the family. If the guy decides to take you to court, make sure you have alot of notes and his medical records stating his dangerous allergies.

Keep your side of the family close to you, make sure that they also have information that you've explained to us. You might need them if this turns into a court case for joint custody.

Document the time he comes for visits. You say that he doesn't come often. Keep it logged on a calandar. This will show the courts that he is not active in your sons life, and that your son doesn't know him at all. In addition, If there is no financial support, then his rights are minimal.

Just remember, write everything down. EVERYTHING!!!

My response is this: your child trusts that you will take care of him and keep him safe. His father has not proven that he can do that. If it were me, I would not be as concerned about how I look to others (not wanting to look like you are keeping him away from his father), but I would be more concerned with my gut. And just by asking the question, it makes me believe that your gut is telling you to not send him overnight. Your son will have an entire lifetime to build a relationship with his father. Right now, it's too risky to leave him in his father's hands. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

No! Your child has medical conditions that has to be watched. If the Dad and his family want to visit that's up to you. You are watching out for the best interest of your child and until he puts up financialy he has no rights what so ever. And I'm not talking $100 He needs to be on board 100%, because how can you trust him?

Great advice from the other posters - no way on earth would I let my child see this man unsupervised!

Yes, your child should know who his father is and be acquainted with that side of the family. But...on your terms, and your terms only. After reading your post you sound like a very reasonable but vigilant mother, so stand your ground.

If he wants to be difficult and take it to the next level (i.e. court ordered), have him be your guest. Given his history and non-payment of child support, you should have nothing to worry about.

If he really wants to see his son, he'll do it in a public place supervised by you. If he wants more than that, then he will need to start developing a history of trust and responsibility (which should take a LONG time just to be sure) before he gets to spend time with him alone.

3-6 months of regular, supervised contact with your son should give you an idea of whether or not this is safe. Also, it sends home the message that being a father isn't a "drop in when it is convenient for you" idea. If he's cleaned up his act this might help. But...if I were in your situation I'd probably have to make a judge force me to let him see my child before voluntarily doing so.

I would not send him with his father. He does not sound like a trustworthy, reliable guy who you can trust your sons life with. No way would I send my kid with him alone. Good luck!

April,
I agree with the other moms so far. Not a chance would I be letting my child out of my sight for a while on this one.

If he is not supporting your son financially, he needs to step up to the plate. If he wants visits, then he can start paying child support and you guys can go from there.

If you are worried about how your son's father will react, let him know that your son has some stranger anxiety and you want to make sure that they get to know eachother with you around before he starts taking off with him alone. You want to be protected legally if he does ever see your son "unsupervised."

The way I see it, if he's not paying , he shouldn't have any rights. That may sound harsh, but you've got to protect you and your son.

Good luck,
B.

If you don't trust your son's father, don't leave them alone together. Ever. Under any circumstances. You're responsible for protecting your son, and you have every right to not expose him to situations that may endanger him. If you have to go the legal route, so be it. I'd find out for sure if not singing the birth certificate within a certain period of time means that he's given up his rights. Talk to a family attorney. The Chicago Bar Association can refer you to someone who can answer that question for you. Or they might know and be able to just tell you.

Good luck! You're a wonderful mom for wanting to make sure that your son is safe, regardless of playing nice with everyone.

I agree with the post below, trust your gut and protect your son. Worry first about what's best for him, then be thinking about him getting to know that side of the family. In terms of being more open to them, perhaps it would be better to make specific invitations for them to come over. Some people don't take advantage of the "whenever you want" open-ended kind of things, but if you call to say, come over Saturday afternoon, they may feel more welcome. As for the father, I think you gotta get tougher in a way -- overnights are for family members who contribute, so get current with child support! I don't know what happened between you two legally (marriage, etc) but divorced couples who share custody have in writing what is and is not allowed. So it's possible that technically speaking he doesn't actually have the parental rights he hollers about (at the hospital and such). It might be a good idea to get some legal counsel about your and his rights, especially since he's made kidnapping threats. Good luck and stay strong!

April-

There is no way I would let my son out of my site for an hour with that man! My goodness this situation is screaming tell him no way! You would know much better than we would, but just reading your story I am picturing what I would do if it were me and I would tell him to go play in the highway!

I trust that you will make the right choice- Trust your instincts!

Half way through you said enough! OMG! I am so sorry your dealing with such a problem family as this one and keep to your guns as far as your son goes! He has already attempted a kidnapping and put your child in danger because of his own ignorance to not listening to medical proffessionals. Wow! My son is two and a half and still has not spent a full weekend with his father and his father is soooooo much more a father than this man is to your child. You have every reason to want to keep your child safely in your arms in this situation.

It is great and the best for the child when the father is involved I agree but there are some situations where that is just not true and from what I have read this is one of those situations that it may not be best.

He attempted a kidnapping already, he is not consistent, and he has already put your childs life in danger. He is not someone I would trust to be with my child without me being there to supervise. My sons father is consistent with our son and is active in the decision making with our son and that is the best thing for him. He also pays child support. When his family wants to see my son and his father cannot take him then I will gladly take him to them but my situation is safe for my son. His other family loves him and if his father was not involved would beg to see him (our son) atleast a couple times a month. My sons father has also never threatened to kidnap my son. That would be the last draw and he would not have the ability to see my son because I would take him and would never be heard of from again. The first time his father was going to take him he refused to tell me when he was bringing him back and guess what? He didn't get him that day until I spoke with a lawyer and made sure that when I wanted my son back I got him end of story.

Now we get along and we work out times he will take him very easily but we both know and follow the ground rules. During Christmas vacation he got him for a few hours everyday for a week because so much family stuff was going on and I easily agreed because we get a long and I don't have to worry about my son when he's with his father.

It is unfortunate that you even have to ask this question but in my opinion you have too many reasons to keep your son with you and limit the time he gets with his father. You are being much better than most by even letting him see your son. Do not feel guitly or let anyone tell you differently. Your sons safety is the most important part of this and he is safe with you but not with his father. If he wants to go to counseling, start being consistent, paying child support, and have a GPS tracking device inserted in his nether regions I might consider allowing him to take him for a couple of hours at best. Good luck and God Bless you and your son!

Are you seriously even considering leaving him???I can't see even ONE good reason to do so!!!At this stage in your sons life it is your job to protect him!! you don't ever have to apoligise for that. All those other reasons like getting to know the other side ect they willwork themselves out at the right time!! Right now your son is a baby protect him!!!

I would not let dad take him for the weekend. You are right in feeling nervous and uncomfortable. I would just tell him that you do not feel comfortable having him take your son for the whole weekend. Maybe suggest something small like spending the day together with someone there to supervise. I know that there are different organizations that will provide an advocate that will supervise a visit depending on the situation. Good luck to you!