Dad Acts like a "Grandpa" You Know What I Mean... No Rules, No Consiquences Etc.

Wow...that is really hard, but you are far from being alone. A lot of overworked parents try to make up for it when they are around, and causing a bad relationship with their kids and spouse in the long-run, when they were trying for the opposite. I would sit down with him and tell him how extremely important it is that you are both on the same page. If she sees him giving her things that you said no to now, imagine the teenage years. Ouch. It sounds like he is an amazing father, but he has to be more of a father and less of a friend. That being said, these early years go by so quickly and it's hard not to cherish them - but this is also when the kids learn. It is an ongoing battle in most households, because it doesnt take long for the kids to know who to go to when they want something. Good Luck!!

Just a thought... my husband handles bathtime and bedtime. Bathtime, because it is his only playtime with our daughter. And because I dont criticize how he does bathtime, I just let it be and he feels like he is king of the castle. Now... bedtime is funny. At first MR MAN was HORRIBLE at bedtime because he let her sit up and talk, laugh, play... etc. Then it dawned on him... if he wanted dinner he had to get that kid in bed! Suddenly, he naturally corrected himself and started to discipline her because it was too hard on him NOT to.
I dunno if it would work for anyone else... but it works for us and it gives me some much needed down-time right before he and I sit down to eat.

Wow. I totally understand where you are coming from. It's easy to resent and get angry when you are not parenting together. You've gotten lots of great suggestions here. I would definitely second writing down everything you do everyday and discussing how to split it. I would also consider leaving her with him for a whole day or weekend, so he really gets the picture. (My husband needed to experience it first hand to understand before he was moved to make changes.). Also, I think the undermining might be his way of expressing his desire to have some "thing" he's in charge of with her. Maybe there's an activity or caretaking task that he can do with her that's just shared with the two of them (that doesn't undermine you and that helps you). I think he probably wants to be involved but doesn't know how, doesn't feel like there's room for him and maybe does feel guilty about not spending a lot of time with her. So, maybe his heart's in the right place. Good luck.

That is a tough situation - men are hard to change...you are smart not to fight in front of the daughter...but it is also good that you are expressing yourself to him. Instead of focusing on his likeness to your beloved grandparents, reiterate to him that he is your partner and he needs to be there for you and his daughter. Sounds like he is a hard worker and misses time with her, so he tries to compensate for that by coming in and being the good Dad....when you talk to him, explain how you feel undermined, ask him what he thinks would solve the problem. Men love giving advice or fixing problems...so if he comes up with something, then maybe it will give him a chance to walk a mile in your shoes and actually see where you are coming from. Also - sit down with him to have 'house rules' that you both agree on - such as, one meal for everyone, no special treats unless all dinner is eaten, etc...and then everyone stick to the rules! Give him suggestions of how to spoil her in different, mutual ways - like play games with her, etc. Also, at a different time, explain to him that you would really appreciate his help with daily chores, etc. I just became a SAHM, but even when I was working full time, I did way more work around the house than my husband - I guess it's the way of the woman...plus, men probably assume women prefer it that way because we are more opinionated and make the house rules for the most part, so they are at times 'interfering' with the house rules when they try to help or do things that are not what we like...so they back off entirely. Catch 22! Now that I am a SAHM, I still need help sometimes...it's easy to get burned out! Ask him what chores he wouldn't mind helping with - maybe 2 to start with...and then kindly remind him if he doesn't do it - that was hard for me - I'm too prideful to ask for help and I would end up doing it myself because I figured he's a grown man and can be responsible without me reminding him, if I can be responsible without his help...but it doesn't work that way - my DH didn't mind helping out, but for the life of him could not remember to do basic chores....so now I casually remind him and he will get to it - sometimes still forgets, but he agreed to try to take more initiative if I agreed to ask for more help. So, the more I asked, the more I realized he would help and it was indeed a help! So, approach this as a different subject from the daughter issue and just see if he will do a couple daily chores like taking out the trash and maybe emptying the dishwasher...and then when there is something special, like a school event, ask if he would like to take your daughter while you do stuff around the house, so he can spend quality time with her and you will have some time to catch up on stuff. I think when I get burned out it's partly because no one helps me, but also because I take a lot on myself and don't ask for help. I would complain and nag and get frustrated because no matter how many times I told my husband he needs to help me, he never would - but as soon as I was specific and said - will you do such and such, or will you etc....he would actually respond and do it...see if that helps....please keep up posted!! Good luck.

Okay, I have been exactly where you are and I (and my husband) used to disagree about discipline ALL THE TIME! What I finally had to do was find a man who my husband respects and would even consider his advice and ask him to talk to him about the importance of us being on the same page and how he can't always leave me to be the badguy and he gets to be "fun Daddy." Let me tell you that it made all the difference in the world.

Yes, my husband still has a soft spot for our children (two boys: 3 yrs and 10 mo), but he makes sure that they know that there are times when he means business and that he's not going to let them get away with something *I* don't allow during the day.

I think the third party involvement is what saved me from "losing it". I could say it until I was blue in the face and he'd still be letting them stay up because they were crying and didn't want to go to bed, or doesn't make them eat what I've prepared, or doesn't correct them when their mouths get ahead of their butts.

I pray it gets better for you and that at some point that you guys will be come partners in parenting, not adversaries. :)

Leave him home with her alone for a weekend - Friday through Sunday evening. Do not come home until late Sunday. When you come home, make sure you do what he does... He'll get the picture.

You need to find some child development articles that deal with different types of parenting techniques and maybe show him that his permissive parenting style is not the most effective. Authoritarian is usually too strict--- authoritative--is usually the best choice--its when you guide your child to learn to make good choices. If you let your child eat whatever they want to eat, how will they ever learn what foods are healthy for them? If you don't set reasonable boundaries, kids feel confused about what to do and what is expected of them. I also think when he gets home, he needs to help with the chores and let you have stress free too!

It sounds to me like you have 2 different issues going on. One is that your husband undermines your decisions and the other is that he doesn't help out enough with everyday parenting duties, chores, etc... My suggestion is to make a list of all the things you are responsible for on a daily basis, then tell him which things you'd like help with. The two of you can talk about specific tasks that he can do to help lighten the burden around house. I've realized that most men need direction, very specific direction. It would be nice if they noticed what needs to be done and then take the initiative to get it done, but this rarely happens.

For the second issue, ask him why he does the things he does(i.e giving into her requests). Get his point of view. Does he feel guilty for not being able to spend more time with her and try to make up for it by giving her anything she wants? His actions, though wrong, may not be a personal disregard for your rules, but his way of showing his love for her. What was his household like growing up? If you've never discussed this with him before, now may be a good time.