Ok so met with my lawyer to sign paperwork. The agreement will not change because she says, going in front of a judge with no "proof" or "leverage" to work with is not going to help. So the schedule my children will have with their father is as follows: E/O wknd fri to mon morning when he is to drop them off at school/daycare and every tues overnight when he will drop the children off at school/daycare wed morning. Then if that schedule goes well with NO (emotional/behavioral issues, grades dropping, hygiene issues, latenesses to school/sporting activities "consistantly" etc..) happening, then in 60 days every thurs overnight will be added when he will drop children off at school/daycare fri morning. I am still responsible for providing clothes because according to my lawyer thats how the judges work, they feel as though the childrens stuff should go/stay with the children. Even though i think if he is going to have them 50% of the time he should provide his own just as he does toys etc..
My almost 9 yr old daughter is already showing signs of anxiety and has spoken to her school counselor about it. He also thinks the schedule is too much too soon since my daughter has no real "bond" or connection with her father. He has never been involved in her life. No parent/teacher conferences, no basketball/softball games etc.. When i thought she had cancer due to finding a lump in her armpit, he didnt show up to one doc appt. She had MRI's, CT scans, Xrays, blood work, sedation, IV's etc... Very scary time of her life 2 years ago. He has never taken them to a doc appt, dentist appt etc... EVER!!!! Not exaggerating!!! But my lawyer says it is put up or shut up time. Which i agree and if it works out and my children are happy then great. But why put them at risk, why not start out slow then add on days?? But my lawyer says the judges wont look at it like that. They will perceive it as me trying to "CONTROL" the situation. Which i am not, i am just looking out for the well being of my children. Since I know him! He is not dependable, what happens when he cant make it to the sitters by 6pm? Yea i can keep a log, but how is that helping at the time he is late, it has already happened?? It just makes no sense. Then he doesnt have appropriate bedding for either of my children nor does he have a gate at the top of the steps in case my son (who wakes up at least once a night) wakes up! She said well i am sure your daughter will tell you and i said yes but how is that going to help me if my son falls down the steps? I just dont understand! But will give it a try and have spoken to my daughter about trying it out. My lawyer also spoke with her about trying the schedule out and she just might do fine with it. And again, if my children like it and ar ehappy with no effects on them or their schooling than great!!
I guess i just want to see what all you other mommy's think!!
Do you have a guardian ad litem? THEIR job is to look out for the children's best interests, not the parents... and will gladly take a stack of documents from school counselors, etc. before the judge... and their word carries more weight than either parent.
Whatever you do, DO NOT bad mouth their father, or it will end up backfiring on you and they will resent you for it. If you don't like this schedule, by no means, do not let the kids know that. This is between you and their father and they should not know anything other than, these are their days to spend w/ daddy. I'm sure they will do as well as you can expect any kid to do, who's parents are divorced. Divorce is hard on kids, so, no need to add extra stress on them by expressing your opinion about visitation times. Good luck to you and your children.
Well, I'm not sure I am that fond of your lawyer, based on what you have said. The visitation schedule sounds bad to me. I have two boys and have been dealing with custody issues for years, and I know that schedule would be stressful for my kids and I would fight it. At 9, I would think the judge would take your daughters concerns and the counselor's into consideration. It would be best to get a set schedule that does not have them spending school nights at different places and having so much swapping around each week, and not try adding days here and there. As far as the bedding and gate go, I would definitely pursue that because it is pretty firm in the court's eyes that the parent must have proper sleeping arrangements,and the gate thing is a safety issue. For the clothes, it probably will always be a problem, as it has been for me, and quite irritating. I would not be willing to give it a try, and would possibly even speak to another lawyer, as this one does not seem to say the kinds of things I have heard lawyers and judges say, unless your court system is way different from my county. Kids should not be used in trial and error custody situations, and custody should to suit their needs and not mom's or dad's. It sounds to me that in this situation they are getting the raw end of the deal.
Is there anything in there saying what will happen if the kids are sick or if there is no school? Who is going to take the time off it that happens? Make sure that is in there or you and dad will wind up arguing over that.
My sons father wanted my son to go live with him but still expected me to take the time off if my son was sick or had no school. My son living with his father was NEVER going to happen so I never actually had to worry about any of this. Those were just some of the questions I asked him when he brought it up.
kids need both parents in their life. you owe it to them to make that possible for them. at least, in this case, the father wants time with kids. in a lot of cases it's the opposite. you have your concerns, more like what ifs concerns. so my suggestion would be, obey the rules for now. keep log of everything. lateness at school/daycare will be easy for you to check, same thing at sitters. clothes, you probably get child support. child support is meant for those things, food and clothes.
if things start getting out of control, then you go to court again. you can't try change things now before things haven't started yet. i know you're tired of this, anxious, and all that, but for your kids' sake, you have to try make it happen.
btw, my husband has almost never been to doctors' appts. that is something moms do. moms know best, so i don't think his absence during health crisis appts have anything to do with his ability to be a great dad.
good luck
I've never been in your exact situation but I'm a stepmom so I know how it is!
The best thing you can do is not try to appear to control things with the dad. And only fight the battles that need fighting. It's SO much easier when you're on good terms with the father! We used to have a horrible schedule, she was every other day and mom or dad's and she hated it and it was disruptive. Well, we stayed on good terms with the mom, and now we have a much better schedule to our liking. It happened slowly. So you might have to "go with the flow" for a little while. Don't worry, it will be okay. (But do keep documentation...we do)
The other thing is please PLEASE help your daughter to HANDLE the situation. Be on her side...because no one else is. But neither one of you can help the visitation schedule so teach her how to deal with it. I know it's heartbreaking (our 8-year old sometimes cries and begs not to go to mommy's and it breaks our hearts) but we try to help her handle it over there. We empower her. We give her suggestions on how to deal with things that come up. That's the best thing we can do for her.
The last thing, my stepdaughter is 8 and we got her a cell phone. We started with one of those with only 4 buttons and she knew she could ALWAYS call us if she got scared or needed anything. That was really reassuring to her. She's never had to use it. It also helped because we told mom that she could (under no circumstances) take the phone away AND we might call unexpectedly and it needed to be on! It has helped us to know that she will call if she needs anything.
Also, whenever we sent my stepdaughter to mom's house with a toy or clothes we never saw them again. So I do advise that your children NOT bring lots of toys over there unless you make them responsible for bringing them back and you're okay with the possibility of never seeing them again. Send them in clothes you're okay with not seeing again as well. They are kids, and they probably won't remember to bring stuff back. We spent a lot of money on nice clothes that disappeared...until they were too small for her! Now I send her in either thrift store stuff or stuff from mommy's house.
HUGS you can do this!
Wow. I'm sorry you're going through this. My ex and I finally have a schedule for our son that sort of works for us, but I have a feeling it will always kind of be "that thing."
I would just say that if you can't change the plan, the best thing you can do is try to reduce the anxiety you and your children feel around it. Your children's father is going to have to be responsible for his share of raising your children. As far as things like being late to the sitter, you can keep a log, but try to stay out of it as much as possible. Let the sitter be the one to bring it up to him etc.
Finally, about the clothes. When you buy stuff for your kids, it's for them, so it makes sense that they should be able to take it to their dads. However, you shouldn't be packing them a suitcase, so their dad WILL need to have some clothes there for them as well so that they have pajamas and clothes for the next day, etc.
Not sure this helps, but you're certainly in my thoughts.
T.
What a tough position - I had a similar situation, except my daughter goes out of state to visit her dad, so it's not every week but feels like it's to the moon it's so far!!!!
I totally agree with the cell phone suggestion - but I would encourage text as well - that way she can communicate with you without being "heard". My daughter is even able to text me at night before she goes to sleep and HE doesn't feel like it takes away HIS time (which he felt with phone calls).
I also agree with the "empowering your daughter" comment from the other mom. I noticed if I "worried" out loud about what "might" happen while she was there, then her anxiety went right through the roof as well. So, I had to bite my tongue, even though I felt like I was sending her off to stay with a pack of wolves!!!!!
Your daughter's father has to figure it out - WAY easier said than done, I know!!!!
But - if he can't get to the sitter by 6pm HE will have to figure that out. Do you know the sitter? The sitter probably won't cast your children out into the street, so HE will have to figure it out. When he calls you for help, either don't answer or tell him HE has to figure it out because it's HIS time. HE pays the extra fee or penalty for not getting there on time. HE has to explain to the sitter or HE has to tell his boss he has to leave because HE has to be responsible now.
But, to your daughter, it is VERY important that you ONLY talk about how this will be good for her (EVEN if you don't mean it). If you can't find any reasons that it will be good for her, you can say things like "I think this will be a great opportunity for you and your dad to really get to know one another" or "I think it will be good for your dad to drop you off at school and get to meet some of your friends/teacher etc. One last note, you indicated that your daughter is ok to "give it a try" but remember that in her eyes "giving it a try" means it's not permanent and therefore not something she "HAS" to figure out a way to deal with. If you can be the better person (which, of course, you already are!!!!) and talk about how this is her chance to develop a relationship with her dad forever she will probably figure out a way to make it work. If she thinks it's temporary she may continue to get upset hoping that it will end if it doesn't "work out" which is one thing to a 9 year old and a COMPLETELY different thing to lawyers and judges.
Good luck! PS - I know a couple families who have an arrangement similar and it works out GREAT because it MAD the dad get more involved in school (ie papers have to be turned in, homework has to be done etc).
Get a second opinion! Get affidavits from counselors. Have it written into your agreement that your ex has to get a gate for your child. You can usually find a lawyer that will give you a free or cheap consultation who will tell you whether or not the lawyer you have is full of it or right on the money.
