Custody/visitation - Bensalem,PA

Hi, T.:

Is there some underlying issues about the partial custody?

It sounds like some control issues are popping up!

Had you thought about a mediation conference to get to an understanding of the underlying issues without dragging the children through you all's issues.

The International Institute of restorative practices will help by providing a mediator to work out something that is agreeable to all involved.

IIRP at ###-###-####

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

I think you were really in the wrong here by asking your 9 yo what she thinks. She is a child and children need both their parents, and it shouldn't be up to the child to decide this. Plus, it puts them in an awkward position. I don't think it should always be up to the moms to decide when dad gets to visit, so just keep in mind if you were in his shoes, would these visitation times be sufficient enough for you?! Probably not!

I just wanted to comment on Ashley M.'s comment of
"He is getting the kids like half the month.... I personally couldn't do it!"

Well, he is half of the parents, so why shouldn't he get them half of the time Ashley? I really wish more women were fair to their exes, because in the end, it really just hurts the children the most.

sounding like he wants 50/50 and that would impact child support. parents who get along and when they live in same school district do either 1 week on 1 week off or the kids live primarily with the 1 with the alternating every other weekend and then just maybe wed night taking them out for dinner or possibly dinner.

Years ago when my parents got divorced I never saw my father and he actually disappeared for many years. Today,may he rest in peace while my mother hated him he did us the best favor as we did not have to get shuffled around. Come years later, I too got divorced, my two children four and a half years apart were shuffled about because our court system didnt help much and father used all of his control to literally pretty much ruin any peace and happiness and consistency that could have been. He moved very far away, brought them back late on Monday mornings, never bought or washed clothes, and yes, forced me into positions looking for babysitters, also. You can get everything in writing but if he is unpredictable it is not going to work. Come to think of it he looks as though he is predictable as he is a control freak ( congratulations on your divorce). Which is why I to understand this, that this probably will not work out very well for you and I would suggest you discourage the during the week visits unless he lives two blocks away or put it down to only one day. He sounds like he is being the disneyland dad (no laundry, no clothes, no working to find baby sitters and no compassion for you). Just because there is a support order does not mean he has to avoid providing necessities of life in his home for them. Show me that clause! Well, like I said it just is a totally unfair situation for them to go through unless they are close enough to school, etc. and if there is a way to point out how inconvenient it will be for him, i would just use the charm and point that out. Good luck!

My grandson is with his father every weekend. This started when he was around age 1. He's now 6. He had difficulty going back and forth for the first few years. He acted out the first day with his Dad and then the first couple of days when he was back home. It seemed he was just relaxing and it was time to go to his Dad's. His Dad was living with his parents which helped tremendously. Grandma and Grandpa were experienced in dealing with a toddler. His Dad admitted he could not have managed it alone. He does have some developmental issues that, I'm sure, decreased his ability to adjust. I cannot imagine any child these ages being able to feel secure going back and forth 3 times in one week.

A 2 year old does not yet have object constancy. When he's with one parent, he's unsure where the other parent is. Can you document any behavior issues around the past year's custody arrangements? Then multiply them by 3.

An 8 year old still doesn't have a good sense of time. As an adult, I've always been confused when I had to change my schedule. I think it would work much better for eveyone involved if your ex had them for 4 days in a row instead of 2 days, not 1 day, another 1 day, not one day, and then 2 days. Each night is in a different bed, each day in a different house. And unless you and your ex work closely in using similar parenting skills, each day's expectations are different. That is just too confusing and upsetting when it comes to managing a routine. Kids need a routine and a sense of security. This plan does not provide either one.

I suggest that you get a consult with a child psychologist. (s)he can go over children's needs with you and ways to make custody more manageable. The psychologist should talk with your 8 year old so the (s) he will have an idea of where your daughter is in psychological needs.

You also have legitimate concerns re: child care when school is out, for snow days, illness. You and your ex would have to have stable child care arrangements planned in advance for such contingencies. It is unfair for him to expect you to sacrifice your work time.

This brings up another issue in my mind. Is this the way it would be? He picks them up after school/daycare on Tuesday after he gets off work. He then takes them to school/Day care Wed before he goes to work? If that's the case I really don't see how that benefits anyone, even him. It's dinner, bed, breakfast,school with no time for anyone to settle in. It feels so temporary and it does not provide for quality time together. I would see more of a point if he's off on those 2 days.

As to clothes. My grandson's grandparents and father provide the clothes he uses at their house. There is some exchange of clothes just by going back and forth but each parent is responsibile for clothing/toys/long term meds, anything used at their houses. Why should you provide clothes for his house?

Which brings up the shared custody issue. If they're half time at his house there is no child support. Is that what he's working towards? IF he has them Tues, Thurs, Sat, Sun, that's 4 days. You have them Mon, Wed, Fri that's 3 days. No child support going either direction. If you share a week end day that's still pretty close to even. Even tho the current order states that he can't modify the court order now he can go back to court to modify it later. And......he'll have proof that he has the kids as often as you do.

Knowing only what you've told me I suggest that the time that the children have with their father be in one chunk. I'd perhaps also suggest that he have just one child at a time some of the time. I'd have the order written so that there is some flexibility. I'd be sure that if there was no school on the day he's to return them that he returns them to daycare. If you had them on that day you would have made daycare arrangements in advance. You and your ex will need to work together on daycare arrangements.

I would be leary of this arrangement from 2 major viewpoints. One that it is not good for the children and 2 it looks like he's setting things up so that he can modify the support order down the line. I suggest that you offer to allow more liberal visitation times but not change the custody arrangements. and that the visitation times will be flexible as you work out what works best for the children. By doing this he could have the children for a week and then not have them for a couple of weeks and then perhaps have them for a couple of days when it fits in with both the school and his work schedule. That sort of thing. Talk with your attorney about how to best insure that actual custody is not changed down the line, unless you and your ex can peacefully and equitably share custody. With the right set of parents shared custody does seem to work out well.

I think that the most important step to take is to consult with a child pyschologist who will evaluate your situation and make a recommendation.

My husband has a schedule with his children somewhat like the one your ex husband is proposing. We’re not in bucks county though, we’re in Lancaster county. We have the children every other weekend, they sleep over Sunday night and we take them to school in the morning. On the weekends we have them they only come over on Monday nights and sleep over then we take them to school in the morning. The weekends we don’t have them they come over Monday and Tuesday nights. They sleep over each night and we take them to school in the mornings. If they don’t have school the next day, we do drop them off with their mother and she finds arrangements for them. Sometimes though my husband will be off work and he will watch them during the day. I do think it’s fair that their mother finds arrangements for them as she is the primary custodial parent, and it’s technically not my husband’s custody/visitation time with them at that point. As far as the clothing goes, I don’t see why he couldn’t have clothing for them at his house. My husband’s children have everything they would need at this house to live here full time. They each have a bedroom, clothing, toys, toiletries, etc. On the days that the children return to our house after school they wear our clothing to school. If they go to their mom’s after school they wear her clothing. It’s just easier for the kids because then they don’t have to cart around extra clothing everywhere. I think if your children want to spend extra time with their Dad you should give them the chance to do so. If your daughter is a little nervous about spending that much time away from you see if you can try it on a trial basis to see how she feels about it. And see if there is anything you can do to help make the transition easier for her. Perhaps a goodnight phone call from you would make her feel better?

Good luck in whatever you choose to do. I hope I’ve helped!

I have step kids and we have dealt with the visitation schedules...even though my DH would have loved to have the kids this much time, I think the schedule your ex has proposed is not very feasible. Too much back and forth. I do not think your argument about what would happen if they don't have school is very logical...this is kinda being petty IMO, because they are your kids too and if they don't have school you would be forced to find a sitter for them anyway (that's why you are given school calendars at the beginning of the year, so you have time to make proper arrangements)...so I would not use this as a valid excuse as to why you do not like the plan.

How about a compromise? Maybe suggest that ex has them every other Fri-Mon He picks them up directly after school on Friday and then he drops off at school on Monday ...and then maybe he can have them on Wednesday for a couple hours, like for dinner. ~This is the schedule we have and has worked fairly well for us. We feel connected to them because we see them at least once a week for dinner and then we also feel involved in school because we are responsible for picking them up and dropping them off on Mondays. ~ Your ex might be comfortable with this because he would be getting more time with them than what he is getting now.

I also suggest that no matter what you decide you talk with your ex about him providing his own clothes for them. It is just too hard to pack them up every time they are going to see dad. (I just washed the clothes they came over in and then sent them back home in them and they have clothes to wear in between, much easier!) Their dad's is their house too, they should have their own clothes there as well...just like they have to have their own rooms and beds and toys etc.~This is one of the most over- looked part of being a weekend dad and is sometimes unfair. Child support is calculated so that the kids are taken care of at the moms and the courts take into consideration all that the mother has to provide for the kids like shelter,food,clothes,toys,electricity,etc....but nobody thinks about the fact that dad has to provide that at his house too!

I would not be talking to your kids about what kind of schedule they want to have...it is not really up to them, its up to the courts...and what are they supposed to say? They do not want to look at you and say they want more time away from you but of course they want to see their dad more...that is just putting them in the middle unnecessarily, IMO.

Go with your gut! That schedule is totally crazy. Splitting children down the middle is not what is best for them. Structure & routine is good for them. Tell your lawyer what you want & don't be afraid to fight for what is best for your children. I'm not saying you shouldn't let your ex see them, what I am saying is come up with a schedule that will benefit them not your ex husband! How about every other weekend (fri thru sun) & every wednesday for him? This is a very popular schedule with divorced parents. I am a divorced parent & luckily because we both have changing schedules we were able to work out that he gets our daughter a mininimum of 2 nights per week. It winds up being a little more than that because this is the one area where we are able to be a little flexible. If he wants to take her out of state for a few days longer to see his family then I am ok with that. He usually rearranges his schedule if my family comes in or I go see them. Hopefully in the future when the tension is not so thick you can work things out this way.

Good luck & God Bless!

Hi T.,

I would talk to your attorney. When my brother-n-law and his wife were getting divorced, she wanted a schedule similar to what your ex-husband wants for their 2 year old. The judge denied it because he said the child was too young for a schedule like that. So it might be something you don't even have to worry about.

First off even if he wants to fight for primary custody, unless he can prove your an unfit mom there is no reason for this. Joint custody is what should be done. I would think a judge would agree shuffling kids every other day isn't good for them. My husband went through a divorce and had joint custody this is what they did...one week my husband had his son Fri-Sun, the next week Wed-Sat. Or something to that effect, it's been a long time since then. So, out of a 2 week period that had close to equal time, but it didn't mean shuffling the child back and forth so much.

I guess I don't understand why your lawyer is "giving in" to his demands so quickly. Why is this? You need to ask what his reason is. Don't think just because they're a lawyer they're always doing what is best. Stand up for yourself and your children. Going back and forth like that is not good for children. Goodluck

It is not in the kids "best interest" to be shuffled back and forth every other day and I don't think any judge in any state would rule for that. whatever clothes my kids come home in from the other parent is what they wear back to them on their next parenting day. that way we have our clothes we bought them and they have theirs. I would try very hard to have something more consistant during the school week. For example, my husband (we) have his daughter Monday after school until friday after school which is when her mom gets her and then takes her to school on Monday. We get one weekend per month with her but her mom gets her the thursday before our weekend. its not our ideal situation but because she is autistic, it was imperative to keep her school week as consistant as possible. I hope you find something that works for you. good luck!

He can't have the custody changed w/out you agreeing , unless there is a substantial change of circumstance for the child. That means very "big" things. Like he recently moved closer/further away hence needing a different custody arrangement ... or if your daughter was failing school (and it was your fault), or if you had been arrested, proven an unfit mother, etc. I say if you aren't comfortable with it don't sign it. My ex has our daughter every other weekend and every Wed night. I 100% agree with you that shuffling the kids back & forth and true 50/50 custody arrangement is NOT good for young kids. I honestly think kids need to know that they have one STABLE home, that is their home. Yes, my daughter thinks of her dads house as her home too, but she knows that this is where she LIVES most of the time and this is her main home.

I am a school teacher and have seen many different versions of shared parenting. It is always a sticky situation but you need to do what is best for the children. If you are going to do a true 50/50 split, I would suggest you have them one week and he has them the next to eliminate the back and forth. Child support wouldn't exist because it is equal time and you wouldn't need to provide clothing unless he is giving you money to buy clothing for them. You also need to keep routines, rules, and consequences the same between households. But if you are going to have primary custody, I have seen every other weekend and Wed night to thurs on the opposite week work very nicely. As for childcare on non-school days or if the child is sick, many people take turns taking off work or split the cost of childcare. Schools usually have childcare programs onsite for before school, after school, and nonschool days for a minimal fee. You also have to think about summer and vacations. Make sure you build all of those items into your contract as well.

I have a 3 year old stepson and we are going through schedule issues right now too. He is going to start preschool next year so our current schedule isn't going to work because we live an hour away from his school. So we too trying to figure out what is best for him.

Just remember that children are resilient and will adjust to the schedule you create for them. Just be consistent, keep communication open, and remain flexible with each other. Never involve the children in any decision making or have them within listening range of conversations not meant for little ears.

Good luck. I'm interested to hear how everything turns out for you. Also what is your summer schedule? We are consisdering the every other weekend and wed/thur opposite weeks but in the summer the schedule will be flip-flopped with 2 weeks of consecutive vacation days built in for both parents.

Umm, if you ex wants to spend this much time with the kids, then he can do their laundry and be a REAL father, rather than treating you like a maid while he gets to "play" with the kids. I'm sorry if that sounds offensive, and really, I'm on your side.

I think this schedule sounds awful, as an adult, I wouldn't want to be shuffling around like this. It's just too much.

Please find a good attorney - yes, I respect that he is their father and should get to spend time with them, but there has got to be a better way. A good attorney should know more options. Good luck and please, please keep us posted.

A friend of mine has shared/joint custody. Their schedule is as follows:
Monday & Tuesday - My friend
Wednesday-Thursday - Her ex
Friday-Sunday is rotated

It sounded a little confusing at first but helps them so she isn't away from the kids for too long. They actually switch by getting on and off the bus. So actually she gets them off the bus Monday afternoon and puts them on the bus Wednesday morning. Same for her weekends. She gets them off the bus on Friday afternoons.

Hope that helps!

Go talk to your lawyer thats what you are paying him for. Have you brought up any of this to your ex? I would ask your lawyer about all your concerns bc I wouldn't like the schedual that would be going on. He is getting the kids like half the month.... I personally couldn't do it! I would seriously voice all concerns to your lawyer, Good luck and I hope all works out well for you---Ash

get a court mediator to arrange best possible schedule for your kids. don't sign anything you're not comfortable with. the schedule he is proposing is a bit nuts but you agreed to it initially. why?
he will get primary custody if you're an unfit mom. since you have a lawyer get him to negotiate the best for your children, and you stop communicating with your ex on this. that's why you pay lawyers.