Custody Schedule and Telephone Calls

ROFL.... "ALL divorced people" hmmm? Not so much.

The trend is toward 50/50... but that's new (and not even the most common). The MOST common schedule I know is 1 parent is "full time" and the other is every other weekend. Sometimes with a single weekday evening thrown in for dinner.

My *favorite* schedule I've seen is one of the most uncommon. It's not quite 50/50 but it's close (because during the school year the child is gone 8 hours a day).

School Year
M = M-Fri morning
D = F afternoon (pick up at school) - Mon morning (drop off at school)

Summer
Reverse. With Mom on weekends and Dad during the week.

This way each parent has the child(ren) each week, are both involved with school... but there's no school week confusion and no "playdate-schedule-shuffle". No HW left at the wrong house, or this week it's this but next week it's that. It's just simple and direct.

As far as phonecalls go... With elementary kids it's really common for them to call the other parent right after dinner/ right before the bedtime routine. With older kids... it's 50/50. Some call the other parent all the time, some don't.

I don't have 50/50 custody so I can't necessarily comment on that.

As far as phone calls, I think it depends on the age - expecting to talk to a 4 or 5 year old daily is different than a 9 year old or 16 year old etc.

I only have one bit of what worked didn't work for my daughter as far as phone calls with her dad - he doesn't see her very often (once or twice each year - although they do have unlimited phone contact and now that she is older they also text - so my situation may not have ANYTHING to do with yours) however, it was extremely disruptive if her dad would call her right at bedtime to say goodnight. She was tired and in some cases wouldn't want to talk at all, but then would cry for an hour because she missed him. In some cases she would want to talk for an hour AND then cry for an hour and now it's 11pm and she's not asleep yet!!!!!!.

I had to ask (request, tell, demand lol) that he not call after 7:30. at 7:45 we start the bedtime routine and so we can modify if it's a night they want a long talk etc.

I also try to respect the time that she is with him and NOT call every single day and try to only call every other day in the afternoon or right before/after dinner so I don't disrupt their plans- (of course, I would like to call every 15 min to see if he's being an a** lol). But because I know he doesn't get one-on-one personal time with her very often I try to respect that this is his time to bond with her. She knows she can call me whenever she wants (and she can call him whenever she wants too).

It's certainly a tough situation for your daughter. Maybe try calling every other day and see if that makes it better for her (not necessarily better for you, of course you want to talk to her every day).

I think the bottom line is you have to do what's best for your daughter. Good luck!

I don't have 50/50 custody. My daughter goes to her Dads every other weekend and Wed nights. Plus he is invited to all of her extra curricular / school activities as well. Like another poster said, I don't agree with the 50/50 thing just for the very reasons that it is affecting your daughter. It sounds like your daughter needs a more stable schedule. I am not quite sure if I agree the one week on / off schedule classifies as "more stable". To me it sounds like as soon as she would get comfortable at a certain house it would be time to pack up and go back. Even the schedule you guys have now is very back and forth. Just my opinion... I know every divorced couple agrees together what works best for them.

Regarding the phone calls, I always call my daughter in the evenings to say good night / how was your day / I love you. On the weekends I call in the mornings (if I remember) AND at night. I don't call more than that. But I would tell my ex where to go if he was telling me not to call my daughter.

My husband and his ex-wife have an every other day arrangement with their three kids. It is unusual, but they have been doing it for over ten years, and while it seems unusual, they actually get to see each parent every day. It was more challenging when they were little and had to be back to their mom's by 7:00 (fed and homework done. Don't know how we managed it!). Now that we both live in the same school district, we have overnights, and they're all in middle or high school, they just take the bus to whichever parent's house they're scheduled to be at. So the schedule is Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday. The holidays are alternate years and each parent gets two weeks in the summer. This may not work for everyone, but it might give you some ideas.

As for calling when she's at her father's, maybe you can just set a time that you can call to chat for a few minutes and say goodnite, and let him have the same option when she is with you. And you're right to say that this is an adult issue and that you and dad will work it out. Of course I'm being a complete hypocrite about this because there was pretty much full disclosure on our end with the kids during a lot of the stuff that went on. Not everything of course and not at the time, but the mother has a tendency to be mean and manipulative, to use emotional blackmail and to lie about things. We had to do a fair amount of damage control, especially with the youngest, the girl, who would get the worst of it. Anyway, I know it's hard to know what is the right thing to do in any situation and everyone's situation in unique. Keep trying. Once you get the details figured out, things should settle into the new normal.

My answer is -talk to the councelor and see what he says. He knows more about how your daughter feels because she probably opens up to him more because he is neutral and she wont hurt anyones feelings by being open and honest with him (or her). You might be able to even have either a family meeting or a session for you 2 to try to work it out. You could also try mediation.
As far as phone calls-I had it writen into my divorce that we each can call the kids once a day. I generally call at night to find out how their day was, say good night and I love you.
I also agree that the 1 week/1week is too much for her. How can she get settled anywhere when she has to go back again.
Good Luck

If your daughter wants to speak with you, then the phone calls should happen, same as if she's at your place and wants to call dad. It should be based on what the child wants. Perhaps rather than calling her, she could call you (you might even get her a trackphone for this purpose).

I don't share 50/50 custody so I can't answer that question, but I can answer the phone question. You could call her as many times a day as you like, as long as you are not calling at ridiculous times (like 2 a.m.), and there is nothing he can do about it. He also cannot "listen in" on your conversations.

Consider taking your daughter to a counselor who is experienced in divorce and shared custody and who is qualified to give reports to the court. I really, really do not belive that shared custody is ever in the interest of the child, and at least if she has the opportunity to talk with a non-biased person (not saying that you are biased, but she loves you), perhaps a solution that works best for her will end up coming to light.

Good luck.

i haven't read your other responses yet - but my stepdaughter does one week with us and the next with her mom and i feel that it is less disruptive that way - she gets a full week with us and a full week with her mom without so much back & forth.
We also don't do phone calls when she is with the other parent, except maybe once a week on occasion. We miss her like crazy when she is with her mother and i'm sure her mom feels the same, but it seems to work much better for my step-daughter.
Your ex may feel that you calling so often is taking away from his time, i know when my step-daughter was younger if her mom called often it threw my stepdaughter off a bit because i think it reminded her of how much she missed her mom (not that she didn't miss her always i'm sure, but she was focused more on enjoying time with my husband when she was here and wasn't usually upset about not being at her mom's unless her mom called -- if that makes sense?) it was especially disruptive at bedtime because we were trying to get things wound down for the night. not that we wanted to stop her from talking to her mom, we never said anything! but eventually the calls didn't come so often and i feel like my step-daughter did adjust better.

That was completely off-base for him to discuss things with your daughter first, we always keep things between the adults, unless there is something she really wants to do. (she'll call and ask us if we can change the arrangement if she wants to go to a sleepover in her mom's town, etc)

That all being said, my step-daughter has been on this arrangement pretty much since she was 2, so it's all she knows and she adjusts very well. I've only seen her upset about the situation a few times (once she said she wishes she could clone herself so she could be at both homes all the time, she was about 7 or 8 at that time).

Unfortunately situations like this require a lot of compromise, it important to do what works best for both parents' schedules. Personally i think going between houses every few days is probably more difficult on the child than one week at each place, less shuffling back and forth, but i'm sure every situation is different!
Good luck!

My SIL does one week on/one week off with her ex-husband. I know for a while whoever's week it was NOT would make plans several times a week to pick them up for a couple of hours before the other parent got home from work so that they both still had contact with the children throughout the week. It has not been easy and the longer they have been apart, they are both now in other relationships both of whom are divorced parents themselves, etc., it just seems to be a nightmare no matter what. As a child of divorce myself, I just feel bad for your daughter. :( Personally, I think it's ridiculous that the other parent can't call and say "good-night". What a great way to let her know she is being thought of even if it isn't that parent's time with her. You both should be doing that and it is not something I'd give up willingly if I were you.

Our schedule is that our daughter stays at her dad's house on Monday nights (he picks her up from school on Monday and drops her off at school on Tuesdays), Wednesday nights the three of us get together and have dinner, and he picks her up from school on Friday afternoons and then drops her off with me on Saturday evening. He and I talk daily even on the days that we don't need to, and both of us call and talk to our daughter (almost nine) at least once, if not twice or more, on the days that she's with the other parent. She also has the freedom to call the other parent whenever she wants to.

My daughter was given the option of switching to every other weekend, etc. just because he and I live almost an hour apart and it would be easier for us - but she was adamant about wanting to see both of us as consistently and as often as she can.

It's a weird schedule, but it works for us. :)
I highly recommend a mediator - they are so helpful for parents who actually can agree to work together for the sake of their child. It also helps keep small issues out of the court system.

Good luck!

I have the following schedule, that has worked for us: Monday night-Wednesday morning - with their Dad. Wednesday afternoon-Saturday morning - with me. We alternate weekends. If it is my weekend, I keep them until Monday morning. If it is not my weekend, I drop them off at their Dad's on Saturday morning. Divorce is never easy, only all of you Moms out there in a similar situation can understand that the heartbreak of sharing your kids this way, is bearable, because you must, for the good of the child, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Right now my kids are in France for 3 weeks with their Dad and his girlfriend and her son. I cope by thinking of the positive (they are spending 3 weeks in the South of France having fun, visiting relatives who love them). I focus on being happy for them. If your daughter isn't happy with doing a 50/50 arrangement then don't do it...and yes your ex should never discuss that with her first and/or pressure her into that. I would never tolerate my ex telling me I can't call them. They are my kids, and only they should be the ones to determine whether they want/need to talk to me (as they get older). Calling your kids when they are with him is NOT disruptive, don't let him make you believe that. Find other ways to see her (such as at school in the morning before classes start) if you live close by. Do not allow your ex to pressure you into not calling though, mine used to play games with that (his girlfriend as well) finally we are almost 4 years later and things have calmed down. Patience and strength to you. My thoughts are with you.