Seeking Advice on 50/50 Custody

I got divorced many years ago . . . we had joint custody, but in our lives, that meant I had custody, and Dad wasn't around much. So my advice may be tempered by that.

For starters, I think you have to realize that the kids will be hurt some. But they also carry the hurts that their parents didn't get along. And so do you. Divorce is a method of giving unhealthy families a chance to heal and become healthy. And it sounds to me as if being healthy is very important to you, esp when it comes to your children. A+ for you !

The best gift you (and he) can give your children is to be healthy adults, and then from there, to help them to grow healthy.

Even though they are young, they know Mommy and Daddy are stressed, and they know this is a difficult time. You don't have to give profound explanations to them, but you need to be sure to explain that you two are getting divorced, and that while you are no longer committed to loving each other, that you both are TOTALLY COMMITTED to loving them and taking care of them. Invariably, it will be difficult for them to get used to swapping parents on a regular basis, but kids are very capable of dealing with change, if we help them through it. Transition days will be kind of tough for a while, but let them voice their concerns and frustrations, however they come out, verbally, or non-verbally, and they will know they are accepted, and it's okay to feel the way they feel. By acknowledging how they feel, you are letting them know they are okay, and normal, and that you understand. the more you and they are able to talk about it, the easier it will be for them as they grow, to turn to you guys to talk about the big issues in their lives, and their friends lives.

As you decide on the custody arrangements, try to think through not just what will work for now, but what will work 3 to 5 years from now. For instance, whoever gets both Friday and Saturday nights may not mind being tied down on weekends right now, when everything is fresh, but when that person starts dating, Friday and Saturday nights with children mean babysitting costs, and/or leaving the children with the other parent, which might be difficult to do without making the children feel unwanted, or as if they are an inconvenience.

this can work really well, especially if you both stay in the same town until the kids have grown up. But you need to discuss that option as well, because what happens if one of your careers asks you to move 100 miles away ? Who gets the kids then ??? or, one of you is re-marrying, and the new spouse gets a promotion that requires a move ?

Obviously not all of this needs to be decided now, but it's good to think some of that through and think about whether or not you could sanely discuss these issues with your ex 5 to 7 years down the road . . . .

Whatever custody arrangement you have, try as much as possible to keep the communication open between yourself and your ex, as well as with your children. It's really important, cuz so often the kids will share stories that make you angry with the other parent -- and the stories may not be fully true. You need to be able to call and ask, rather than jump to conclusions. and you need a high level of trust in each other's child rearing skills to work with different households/different rules and expectations, for the next 15 years.

Also to think about: Do you go to dr. appointments together? Who is responsible for healthy child visits --medical and dental ?

My divorced girls are now 27 adn 24. We had some really difficult years -- esp after I remarried, and then definately after he did, because his wife didn't like the kids, so he quit seeing them. My husband and I had a lot of anger to listen to, and deal with, but you know what ? Both girls are healthy young adults, with exciting careers, and I am just busting with pride. They have been through a whole lot, but they have survived, and they succeeded. Yours will, too. I hear it in your love for them !!

barb

Hi Leanne,

I am glad that you are taking the children's feelings etc into account when making this hard decision. I hope their father is also doing that.

It sounds like your ex wants to take an active role in their upbringing also. If I was you I would be very happy about that. There are alot of men out there that does not care about their children and would rather live the "single life" without children involved.

I have not been through this myself, but I do have a friend that is doing the 50/50 with her ex and it seems to be working out fine with them. They decide week to week what is best for them and it seems to be fine with their daughter (6 years old). Some kids do need a regular schedule that stays the same from week to week, so if this is the case I would definitely set certain days that they are with you or with their dad.

Sorry I couldn't be more help,
L.

You both going to live near each other? If not, then the on/off not gonna work. Do you both have jobs and is day care? Who will do the doctors? You both have to first figure out where you are actually living, cause then it will be whose school is better, etc.

The kids are young, if you gonna do that you gonna need 2 of everything, can't send clothes back and forth.

Few parents actually let the kids stay put and they parents go back and forth and share apt when they are not with the kids.

Least amount of pain is getting this settled all without going to court. Stressful and costs money that can be better spent.

Try mediation, workds better.

Think what you are really willing to live with and without.

Also joint custody and physical custody 2 totally different things. Most have joint custody with primary physical custody to one parent. I have that with my 5 kids. But their day lives also 100 miles away and for now i am still the stay at home parent. He sees them every other weekend and split holidays.

If you can try to remember that you both are still parents and you still are a family, just not husband and wife. Meaning you will still deal with each other and see each other at kids events and stuff. Best thing is to teach them how to get along and be friendly/cordial.

Here is my advice as a child who did the 50/50 split from the age of 1 year until 13 years when I moved with my mom to be 70/30 split.

I was at my mom's on M,T and every other W.
I was at my dad's Th, F and every other W.
Weekends I was at the person's house who I was NOT at on W.

I never knew which way was up.

My cousin has 50/50 split with her ex where one week is with my cousin and the other is with her ex.

My advice is that one week on, one week off is MUCH easier on the child!

I am divorced with 3 kids. I lived with my ex for, gee I can't really remember, but I believe 3 years after divorce. Why, I was scared to move out, financial reason, and others. Anyway, I moved out about 9 months ago and it is the best thing I ever did. I do not live far from ex, because of kids and the only place I could afford. We have been splitting time with the kids. I have Monday, and Tuesday overnight, Wednesday by 6pm they go to dad, with him Wed and Thursday overnight. We switch every other weekend so we each get 5 overnights with the kids. This seems to work well with the kids. The didn't want a whole week at each house. Plus the fact we don't live far apart makes it easier for them.

If you can both agree on an arrangement, great. Stick to it. My kids are older but your kids will handle it if the 2 of you are able to handle it.