Regarding Michigan laws. Have both joint & physical custody. Ex calls twice a day and it is disruptive. Lives in another state and sees every other weekend supervised. Do I have to allow these phone calls?
I don't know how to respond to all of your replies but would like to say thank you! I have sole custody because he agreed in court that it was in the best interest of the kids for me to have it. He refuses to get treatment and is like a yo-yo -- up and down moods. The kids (ages 4 and 7) are not allowed to go to his out of state home, yet when he calls he asks them questions about how they want their bedroom set up and when are they coming to see him, which just confuses the kids. Also when they are with him he speaks poorly of me and my family. When he calls he spends most of his time questioning the 7 year old which makes him uncomfortable. I would like for nothing better than for him to be a real Dad who cares about his kids and wants their life to be better but he just acts very selfishly and it hurts the kids. I encourage the kids to have a relationship but I honestly am not sure I am doing the right thing anymore and guess I need to find out if I have a legal obligation to allow his twice daily phone calls.
You need to give us more information before we can offer any feedback...how old are the children? Why are the visits supervised? What does the divorce/custody agreement say? If he is talking to the children...then I would welcome the interaction...unless there is some mental instability issue or he is "stirring"..they are after all..his children too.
First of all, I have custody of my nephew and niece and have for almost 6 years. Both parents had the right to call, at our discretion, as often as they liked. However the key here was at our discretion. When the judge asked me if I needed to set up a time for the calls, I said no for 2 reasons. First, I believed that being parents they would use normal curtosy and call at times that would be ok for kids their ages. Second, I always had the option to simply NOT answer the phone. So, I didn't feel the need to have a set schedule. The Dad calls 3 to 4 times a week, and the Mom has not called since May of 2009. I have basically told her to not call again if she can't be consistent. It was to hard on the kids for her to "come and go" from their lives. I do have permenant custody legally. They never see her either. They DO see the Dad about 6 times a year supervised and 2 times unsupervised.
Now, without more info on why the calls are disruptive, I am going to assume it is a couple of things. Maybe it is causing a disruption in your normal daily routine. So if that is the case, my advice is to decide what time of day is good for you to accept the calls, and suggest that the calls take place at that time. Simply don't be available to answer at any other time. You have the power there. If you need to just turn off the ringer on the phone. If it is a situation that the child is getting upset, then make sure to have the phone on speaker phone, (I still do this to this day to make sure that all conversations are approriate), and if anything is being said that you deem to be inappropriate, take the phone and inforn your ex that you can not allow the calls to contine if he insists on having conversations about that or like that. Make notes and keep them so if you end up back in court you can present your case. Also, make notes about your child's behavior before the calls and after. If your child goes to therapy or school, ask the teacher to keep notes of any different behavior or comments made about the other parent too.
Unfortunatly, our children who are from broken homes have been put in situations where they end up in the middle of some pretty bitter feelings. Don't allow your child to be a pawn in a game with your ex. If your ex is calling because he misses your child and just wants to hear his or her voice and speak to him or her to stay close, that's fine. If they are calling to simply check in on you, that is not ok. I also suggest having as little to do with the conversation as possible. If at all possible, answer the phone without even saying hello, but just pick it up and turn on the speaker phone and tell your child to say hi to Daddy or whatever they call him. Then you do not even have to speak to him. When they are done, take the phone and hang up. If he is calling to talk to you, you will soon find out because the calls will stop since you are not getting on the phone. If they ask your child about you, take the phone, say I thought you were calling to speak to your child, and then give the phone back to the child. I am assuming that it is Daddy that is calling, and not Mom. (sorry if it's the other way around) Also, if the visits are supervised, there must be a reason, so I would be sure to keep the calls short and supervised as well. I hope it works out. Just remember, you have the power to answer the phone or not. There is no way to know if you are home or busy. If it goes back to court, then you can get a court order for a better schedule and fewer calls that fit the schedule that works for you. :)
I would talk to him and tell him if he wants to continue to talk to the kids he needs to stop talking badly about you. My parents are not together and to this day, I do not know why. They never say anything bad about each other, this way I was never confused about my relationship with either of them. I gained my opinions on my own instead of having them fed to me by a scorned parent. Just make an agreement, I will not talk badly about you and you will do the same for me.
The fact that he wants to talk to them everyday is awesome though. My dad never cared to talk to me that often and I could go weeks w/o talking to him. The fact that he is showing such interest in them is very important and although he may confuse him the kids sometimes they know that he loves them.
What does it say in the custody papers? Is he calling your or your kid? How old is the kid?
My papers say that my sons father can call or email anytime he wants but that is because that is what we agreed on.
You must have paper work from you custody agreement. Read it. I bet it doesn't say anything about phone calls, read to see if it says anything about refusing communication. Even if it says you need to keep up communication he doesnt know when you are available to take his calls. stop answering the phone when he calls. Once in a while encourage your older child to call Daddy on the phone and see if he answers and in what frame of mind he is when the calls are initiated from your end. He may be calling when he is feeling "down" and he may be better at other times of the day, plus you can tell the court you tried to call him back.
Why do you consider his phone calls to his children disruptive? He obviously loves them and misses them very much and wants to be a part of their daily lives, not just every other weekend. He may have been a lousy husband to you, but he seems like a wonderful father. Imagine if you only saw your kids every other weekend. Wouldn't you be calling them twice a day, too?
The ONLY person who can answer your question is the judge. I would say that if you do not allow some phone calls that the dad could bring it up in court and play the "Poor me" card and the judge might feel bad about it and allow him a scheduled phone call but I don't know. The attorney might be able to answer this too, but again, he may not guess right and the judge might say differently. I would tell him that the kids are not home sometimes or just not answer the phone.
When my daughter went to live with her dad while I was a college student I would call every day after school to talk to my daughter and the step mom was there and finally had enough of it. She told me they had a scheduled study period right after school and that I needed to call later so that my daughter could do her homework and study uninterrupted. I was of course furious that "SHE" would tell me I couldn't talk to my daughter...but when I calmed down I realized it was good for my daughter to do her homework and I was interrupting her study time. I started calling after dinner and eventually got to where I talked to her several times per week and then had visits when ever I was out of classes.
I would find the disruptions annoying too. But since he is showing he is trying to talk/have a relationship with the kids with proof of it by way of the phone bill, he may really just be missing them or trying to manipulate you...
I would say get this visitation finalized and get the papers so that he can come see them and stay in state or whatever will fix this.
What I got from your letter is that he has visitation but is not allowed to fulfill it due to his living out of state. So if he came to your state every other weekend he could take the kids for a scheduled visit and just stay in your state. Sounds like he needs to make a trip and rent a hotel or stay with family or friends. I am sure he misses them but sounds like he's not going about the contact in an acceptable way.
i am not a lawyer just a mom...anyhow think how your child misses his other parent. maybe the two of you could decide on a time twice a day. your child needs to still know his dad cares.
anyhow if he is calling every night once you put the child to bed you could ask your ex to call earlier from now on. good luck.
My son calls his father from his cell phone which his father pays for. I don't even have to hear the conversation. I didn't always like it when he talked on the house phone because I was being told I had to be quiet by my son because he didn't want dad hearing me talk(in my own home). I didn't like that because if I was quiet I had to hear the conversation and I really didn't care to and I have a small child who "had to be quiet too." Sometimes I would actually hear his voice across the room and it would make me cringe. It is good that he is calling and showing interest in your childrens lives. It is harder when they don't. Sounds like he is taking responsibility for his children even though things did not workout for the two of you. As long as you and he aren't in the middle of an argument and he's trying to get info I think what he is doing is fine. Just have the children give him set times that work best for your family next time he calls.
Considering your ex only sees the kids every other weekend. Phone contact is needed to keep him up to date on their activites. Maybe instead of waiting for your ex to call have the kids call him when it is convenient for you. i.e. on the way home from school, grocery store, sporting events etc. If you are in the car how disruptive can it be? I would not limit phone contact and as when the kids get older they may think you are trying to keep your ex out of their life.
That being said, this is a very touchy subject for many families and I wish you the best.
If I saw my son every other weekend, I'd probably want to talk to him every day. And the way my 7 yo never "offers" information, I'd most likely have to ask questions.
I think your best plan just might be to keep your friends close and your enemies closer--YOU can talk to him every few days and update him on what's going on in the kids lives, right?
How is it disruptive? When my daughter is at her Dads I normally call twice per day. Once in the morning and once at night. Sometimes only once. But between 1 and 2 times a day is normal for me. Unless your divorce documents say "can only call 1 time per day" I think you need to allow the calls. But then again, goes back to ... how is it disruptive? Is your ex just calling to say hi and it's annoying you because you guys are busy?
