Custody Questions.. - Clinton,IA

ok i am NO expert but let me tell you this... Take notes on EVERYTHING that happens. keep a jernal when he is drinking where how long ecetra. when you are being yelled at and what about, where your daughter is at at the time of the yelling. keep this hidden and if you are afraid he will find it and posably distroy it make copies...
if it's possable get one of those tape recorders and record him doing whatever you DON"T like. all the evedence will help with your case at least it did with my friend, good luck....(sorry about the miss spelled words)

Many people with "mental" illness are successful and depending how they deal with their illness is the real issue. Unfortunately untill the stresses of like, parenting, child rearing etc does this come to a head. There is a reason for everything including why this child came into existence. What you can do now is learn from what it is try to "teach" you like others have stated which is first and foremost your gaining confidence and self worth. Without that a parenting role is really hard. And the child is part him and part you. If genetics plays a role in his and your mental concerns the child should also as they grow up learn about their own responses to stress and be seen by a child psychologist or psychiatrist along with maybe a social worker. This is to be Proactive for the Childs needs while you also make a plan to grow more and gather your strengths. And do it because you love your self and have self worth and not only because your child so much needs you as some day they will grow up. Or have a challenge of their own and you would benefit in being strong for them but also for you. It is much more complicated then the above scenario but it can work out. You could picture the day you are indepedent of this situation and enjoying days with your prescious child. As for the Dad he had to hit rock bottom or hopefully before that abstain from alcohol and learn to exercise or meditation in other words less harming ways to deal with stress. It is really sad an alcoholic I met one who had to sell of his house and live a group home. He was quite severe a recurrent case. But what I think is alcoholics often are actually really nice people not evil people but their problem is 1. how alcohol reacts pharmacologically to their system that is different from anothers reaction to the same substance.(if an alcoholic) 2. not having coping skills or ways to better express and reduce stress and they must abstain from drinking or as little as possible. Until he comes to his "senses" this unfortunately might not happen but let's hope so.
But you have the right and obligation for now to be the sole parent and his job is to deal with his drinking problem and learning to deal and cope with the trials and tribulations of life including your possible separation and or divorce. And it is OK to express frustation and even anger in the controlled situations versus it blowing up like an firecracker explosion, many say hitting a pillow helps. But also anger management could help both of you. Alcoholics Anonymous does do some good for those needing this type of support. Even open-minded Medical Doctors learn from A.A. while they are learning about their clients needs. He should do what is best for him. You should do what is best for you and both of you should do for your child what is best for the child. And the Good News your post does say you are Trying. Many are also helped by a believe in a higher power and faith helps them to get over many situations. I think if you look at the bible and all its challenges mankind and womankind have endured over the past 1000 of years it is our reaction to and how we deal with issues and learn from them is the key not what happens to any or all of us. Like when 9-11 brought a ctiy closer together and make it a better place, but what look what is Took for That to happen!

Get a nanny cam and use it without sound. Look up your laws for nanny cams. Only 10 states have the sound against the law. If your state does not, then use it with the sound. This way it probably can be used in court.

You need to switch to full-time work so that you will be ready when you do leave. I'm sorry you are going through this. And of course I agree with everyone. Document everything possible.

Have you tried to set up an intervention or push for a 30 day detox program? There are even ways to force a person into one of those.

You should try and find out what type of programs there are in your area for abused woman and children. You could get a 90 day order of protection and be able to get a lot accomplished before visitation with your daughter begins. You could get a CASA worker for your daughter and this person would be a voice for her.

I agree with the journal and the recorder, but make sure it's a digital voice recorder that you can connect to your computer. That way you can e-mail a copy to someone you trust, ie. best friend, parents, lawyer. That way if he somehow finds and delets them you still have copies of the recordings somewhere safe.

Hi B.. It sounds to me like you should leave. No one should be treated this way at all! I was with my DD dad for 9 yrs before I left. She was 2yr old when I did. It was the scariest thing I ever did. But I am glad I did it. 12 years later I am happily married to someone else that supports me and loves me. You can check with the state or an attorney to see what the custody laws are in IA. They may be different if you are not married. I know that in MN when I left my ex, I didn't have to go to court for custody. It is/was automatically given to the main caretaker, which sounds like you. You are right, she shouldn't grow up like this. And you shouldn't have to live like this. The custody arrangements that I have are every other weekend and 1 day a week for a couple hours. My ex pretty much has always done the weekends, but only started the 1 day/week visits about 4 yrs ago when his new wife had their child. He has grown up since then. I was depressed when I was with him and it took me some time to overcome it. He is an adult and he can take care of himself. You now have someone that is fully dependent upon you. You need to take steps to keep her safe and to teach her the values of a good relationship. There are a lot of attorneys that will do free consultations to help you with your questions. Unless there is someone on here from IA that already knows. Good luck! Start focusing on YOU and you baby! Things may be rough for a while, but in the end you will be better for it and much happier!

This reminds me of my time spent with my ex-husband. Luckily, we did not have children together, although we tried, thankfully to no avail. Now I have a 5 month old daughter (with someone else), and I am a single mother, and due to a mental illness he is not able to be involved. I love it, actually, aside form the fact that I'm totally confused on how to handle her having a father in her life, or not. It is the most difficult job I could have ever signed up for, but it's worth every minute to not have to share my daughter with anyone, or leave her and not know where she is and worry if she's being taken care of. That being said, I understand where you are coming from with not wanting to leave because you're afraid you will have to share her with him. This is probably horrible advice, but I would look into all loop holes possible to just take her and run. She will grow up thinking that the way he treats you is the way a man is supposed to treat a woman, and she will be attracted to that kind of a man. It's so unbelievably difficult for you, I'm sure. I have pictured myself in that situation numerous times, and I have not figured out what I would have done yet. It would be difficult on two levels, one for your loss and two for hers. I'm overly protective of my daughter as well. That is just what I would do. I would meet with an attorney and figure out how to handle this situation. Maybe you wouldnt have to leave her with him overnight somehow. Look into all of your options first, and then decide. I tell myself that her dad doesnt need to be in her life, but I also know that girls need a father figure. I guess that's why we're supposed to be careful about picking daddys. I had no idea I would ever love someone so much, or b so protective. There are just some things you dont understand until you have a child for yourself. I hope that things workout for you, just remember your baby girl needs you to be strong and make the right decisions for her. Prayers and Hugs

B. i just want to say i am so so sorry for what you are going through as i was reading this I could have started crying I was in your EXACT situation, i mean i could have written this minus the husband drinking. Have you asked him to go to counseling? I finally told my husband we were going to counseling or i was leaving and it has been such a great thing for us. He is back to who i fell in love with and its like he has done a 180. I hope things work out for you, if he says no to counseling i would call a lawyer and see what they say, tell them the whole situation and they can at least guide you. A lot of them give you a free consult --also find a good one and once you meet with them your husband will not be able to use them, because they have already talked to you (just a tip). Good luck and hang in there, keep your head up you are a great person and HE does not have the right to make you feel less than! good luck:)