Custody-long

Updated on February 18, 2012
K.H. asks from Boise, ID
8 answers

Hi ladies! I need help sorry if long. I am leaving and moving in a week. I am currently living with the father of our 2 year old son. We are NOT married. Its a abusive relationship. I have family that have agreed to let my kids and I stay with them until I can get into a low income apartment and or job. I also have a almost 8 year old son from previous marriage. Here is the problem. I told his father I was leaving and movin In our divorce we did 50-50 custody. Week to week. However, after I had my 2 year old son, I became a SAHM. So on my ex's week, he would bring our son to my house before school and would not pick him up till after work usually around 530pm. So even on his weeks I was one to take our son to and from school. The school my son attends is by my house due to I am been one soley to make all decions about school, doctors, daycare, everything even though he fought to make sure on divorce papers he has joint custody for decisions, and he has not once ever done anything to do with decisions about our son. Even when we were married I was only one ever to look at, interview doctors, daycares, schools. I make and take our son to all and any doctors appointments. His father could not tell you the name of his ped doctor, number to doctor, or name of his teacher. I have told him, but he does not play a role. If there is a problem at school or school function its all me. If our son is sick, its me to take him. All check ups everything, ME. So I told him I was moving and was going to have to redo custody and move my son into different school. Reason being I have no job so getting a place to live with me and 2 kids is problem. My family who are going to give my children and I a place to live is in a city about 35 miles away from where we live now. With traffice its about a 40 min drive drom where his dad lives to where I will be living and then about a good 45-55 min drive from there to his work. So he is upset cuz this will not work for him. He says he cant afford child support and does not want to loose his son. I am going to give him every other weeked, & his off week, and tues and thurs visit after school, no overnight. Every spring break with his dad, and every other week in the summer. I cannot stay in the same city as him, no money cant so it not a option for me as well as waiting list for low income in this city is a year at least, in the city I am moving to its 3-6 months. So living with my family a short term plan till I get into low income. His father says he will fight me in court to the end. I am doing paperwork myself and having a place redo and type up and do child support papers for me for very cheap, this will be completed for both my kids on Monday. I cant afford a lawyer, however if he fights my family will help with cost. My question is, to anyone who has gone thru anything like this, can he fight and get anywhere? He wants to keep it 50-50. But with the drive time as long as it is I cant see it being good for our son. Anyone gone thru this and what was your outcome? I am also doing paperwork for my 2 year old and only doing every other weekend, due to his age, problems with the father, and his work schedule he goes to work at 3am so he knows he cant have custody during work week mon - fri due to that. I am just worried about custody battle with my almost 8 year old son dad. Please help! sorry so long.

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More Answers

F.H.

answers from Phoenix on

Yikes. Just a heads up, if you go to court, the judge will likely keep it 50/50 and make it so you HAVE to stay local where it isn't a burden for EITHER of you to get him to and from school every day. Its not your ex's fault that you are no longer in this other relationship and you have to move. Its also VERY unlikely that the judge will now give the father LESS parenting time, just because you are moving and its inconvenient. DO NOT just assume that because you are the mom, the judge will be in your favor. Sometimes it works like that, but usually with the dead beat dads, and your ex doesn't appear to be one. This is a tough situation and I wish you the best. Good luck.

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S.B.

answers from Dallas on

I know you are worried about the custody battle for your older son, but do you want to let your 2 year old go with a man (his dad) who has been abusive to you?? You might be very careful with that one too. Also I don't think that a 45-55 minute commute is enough of a reason for the judge to change custody arrangements. You will both have to be more accomodating for the benefit of your son. A lot of kids spend an hour each way on a school bus getting to and from school.

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T.V.

answers from San Francisco on

If you have a court order and want it amended, do it through the courts. If you must leave due to an abusive situation and you are not moving out of state/county, the court might give you a break. It does not sound like the father of your older child does 50/50 at this time. This may have some bearing on the judges decision. Still, an order is an order, so get an amendment. Make sure you are the parent who is doing the right thing, even when it seems to be difficult.

Blessings...

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L._.

answers from San Diego on

If this man is not remarried, then I think he should step up to the plate and take you in with your son while you look for work. You married the man and you chose to have yet another child with another man. It complicates things. I'm not judging. I am stating the facts. I agree with the others that a judge can do whatever they want. One judge may tell him to get over it. Another will tell you to get over it. You not having a job right now will put him in a very rosy situation. I think you better do ANYTHING it takes to appease the man.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Your ex can ask for whatever he wants to ask for. Whether it will be granted, no one can really say. It will really depend on what he puts in his moving papers and the judge's take on it.

Basically, you're talking about your son doing a 40 minute drive monday - friday every other week. I don't see that a judge would think that's a problem. Of course, the judge can't make you continue to provide "daycare" services for your ex. So, if you think the drive is not good for your son, the alternative is for your ex to find daycare, not to change the custody arrangement.

I think you're going to have a hard time.

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L.K.

answers from Denver on

First you start off by saying you are leaving an abusive relationship and you end by saying you are letting the father have the child every other weekend. These are your children and it is YOUR responsiblity to keep them happy and safe. If you do not take a proactive stance in it, it will not happen. First I do have to commend you for bringing your children into the world. The children are here because of your actions and choices. You chose to get pregnant and chose to give them life. I think you need to start being accountable for your decisions. Talk to the 8 years olds father. Tell him why you are moving and ask for his input for a solution. Tell him you are open to ideas but your biggest concern is and should be the well being of your son. Talk to a child psychologist for recommendations. This is NOT about you anymore, this is about your childrens future, they will be what you make them! If you give them concern, and security, they will thrive, if you don't put them first and go for your convenience and needs, you may not get what you want for them. This may be a tough bullet to bite, but you brought those babies into the world and chose to keep them, so grow up and start taking care of them properly or give them to someone who can. It is not about you anymore, that changed when you brought them into the world!

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J.T.

answers from Pueblo on

I'm so sorry I don't have any answers for you. This sounds like a tough situation, and I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this! I think that if he's saying he can't afford child support, how will he afford a lawyer? I don't believe he can stop you from moving to another town, but may be able to stop you from leaving the state. Does he pay any child support now? I would think that if he's not adhering to your current agreement, he's going to have a hard time forcing any changes. Most counties have legal aid that is income based. I don't know the situation in your community, but there must be an organization that can help you. If you're a member of church, start there. They often have resources for single moms, and if not, should be able to point you in the right direction. You may also want to ask a guidance counselor, social worker, or psychologist from your son's school. They are aware of what resources might exist in your community. Best of luck to you.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

If you move and still have the old court order in place you will have to transport the kids to him on the day in the order and just not see them until it is your time to have them back. You must get this addressed in court. All he has to do is call the police and tell them you have not done the court ordered visitation and you can be arrested for kidnapping them or for parental interference. You have to fix this before you move or plan on driving back and forth each day.

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