Custody Change - Lexington,NE

The court will often take into consideration a child's preferences for where he wants to live after about age 13 depending on the child's maturity. Just because they ask does not mean that the judge would change custody unless there are other factors or there is a change in the ability of a parent to care for the child. Just try not to spend all your time worrying about it. Provide a loving, stable, structured home for your son. Privately, document any examples of lack of parenting on the part of your ex, so that if you were challenged you would be able to make a case that it would not be in your son's best interest to live with his dad. When he gets to be a teenager, you all may decide something different.

I went through this seven years ago with my daughter. My ex desperately wanted custody so that he didn't have to pay child support and to basically punish me for remarrying my now husband. In Michigan, a child can tell the judge which parent prefers to live with. I think it is at age 14. I am not sure on age, but I was the custodial parent; however I turned my daughter over to my ex because she desperately wanted to go live with him. My ex and daughter caused so much strife in my house that I had no choice really other than to let her go. Custody battles are very expensive and time consuming. Your ex sounds like a jerk---just like my ex.

My best advice is based on my own experience. As hard as it is, try not to play into the drama of your ex. Make sure you spend time with your son to build a solid bond with him. Maybe sign him up for a sport or boy scouts and be proactive. Show your son that he means everything to you. Even if your son ends up living with your ex, one day, he will look back and see what a wonderful mom you were because you cared enough to focus on him.

Despite it all, my daughter and I have a good relationship. She is off at college and thanks me for all I do for her. Just keep being a good mom even if times are tough.

There is no age at which a child can choose one custodial arrangement over another.

If at some point your son decided living with you was intolerable and your ex decided to file for custody, they may take your child's preference into consideration among many factors (including financial and emotional stability).

It sounds like your dirtbag ex has found a way to emotionally manipulate you from afar. Repeat to your son that the courts decided it was better that he live with Mommy and visit Daddy and that's not changing. If he asks why his Daddy says he will get to decide one day just tell him you don't know why he would say that, but he is wrong. End of discussion.

Often, in custody questions here on MP, people mention that family court judges can actually approve orders saying that the parents cannot badmouth each other. Though it's not the same as calling you names in front of your son, your husband's constant statements about "having to choose" could be seen as out of bounds, maybe--? Get your attorney (and please tell us you do have an attorney) to check whether you can make it a condition of the custody arrangements that your ex no longer brings this up. I don't know for sure that it reaches the level of cruddiness for a judge to get involved, but it could be worth asking about, if it's upsetting your son.

As for the girlfriend, at least she is doing things with and for your son. Imagine if dad sat on his backside playing computer games and girlfriend did the same, leaving your son on his own. I know it must be very hard to see a stranger acting as temporary parent while your ex ignores the child he fathered, but you at a minimum know your son will get to go places and will have some kind of adult presence. Not saying you have to run up and hug her -- just that it could be worse: Your ex could have a girlfriend who ignores or belittles your son.

It may be true that he will get to choose in the future. I do not think you need to worry. Your son will want the security, structure and love that you have consistently given.

Secondly, few GFs want a stepchild around 24/7.

In most states, there has to be a "status change" in order to file a modification of either custody and/or the parenting plan (visitation schedule). So your ex should not just be able to file something because your son is "of age" to say where he wants to live. Even if he does, he has to have PROOF of why he believes you can't have him full time. Your son just saying he wants to live with dad now will likely not "be in his best interest" unless he can prove he's the better choice to parent full time than you are. So stop calling and texting for communication and use EMAIL only and keep each one for documentation. And start documenting issues when they come up. Just send an email and say, son said he had to stay with your girlfriend on Saturday because you were working. Or, son said he had his ipad in his room and was on it all night. I can't think of things but you know a ton come up. So yes, he can try to file something but it likely won't change unless there is just cause and your son simply saying it shouldn't be enough. But from personal experience, some judges are cray-cray and you don't know what the hell they will allow. Good luck.

Yes the courts listen to the kids. Absent a compelling reason to say no they tend to grant it.

Yes, if your son asks the court for an attorney they'll get him one, someone would have to pay for it so I don't know how that will work out.

Yes, your son can go to court and request he get to live with his dad. IF IF IF dad is doing nothing illegal and has no charges against him son will likely get to go live with dad.

Happens all the time. Kids do have a say in where they live. My niece went at age 8 and told the judge she wanted to live with her dad because she didn't want to be a Jehovah's Witness. Judge gave custody to her dad. Mom paid child support too. She was working as a cashier in a grocery store living in an apartment large enough for her daughter to have her own room when she came over to stay, which was a lot of the time, and my sister was making minimum wage. It was extremely hard but she was in her 40's and hadn't even graduated high school. She eventually became the apartment manager and worked her way up to where she is now running her own Etsy business.

Another girl I know is 10 and the judge, same state, won't hear her until she is 12. So it depends on the city, county, and state as to when a judge will listen to him.

The judge won't side with you if it's "His dad is more permissive than I am". He'll look at you and think "poor kid".

Perhaps you need to lighten up on your son. I don't know what your rules are but you seem to be pretty focused on "you must obey rules" so it sounds like there might be a lot of them.

If you limit his computer time...why? Is he behind in school work? Does he do his chores then sit around all evening wanting to be on the computer? Why can't he be on it?

Is he basically a good kid? Is he in trouble all the time? Get grounded off the computer?

Does he go to bed at an unreasonable hour? At dad's they let him stay up until he's tired? Does he still get up and go to school? Perhaps he is older and doesn't need to go to bed so early?

My basic point is that kids will go where it's easiest and that doesn't always make it a good place or bad place.

Kiddo WILL get to be heard and if they judge sees no LEGAL reason to deny the request kiddo WILL go to dad and YOU'LL find yourself with visitation and paying child support.

So which is worse? Lightening up on the kiddo or having him living with dad?

After a certain age the judge will put heavy consideration on what the child wants (usually around 13 depending on the state). It will not be the only thing taken into account to make the choice. If your ex files for a modification or goes for custody after that point your child can tell the judge what he wants, and the judge will consider it. At least that was how it basically worked many years ago when I was young teen and my parents got divorced.