Curious -- What Would You Do?

I believe I would ask but I would preface it with, I understand if you don't want to discuss this. And if you do not, I will drop it.

He is 79 years old. If he wanted to talk about this, he would have.

Allow him his privacy. Don't do the wrong thing, and intrude on his past. We are all allowed privacy and things other people don't know. Give him the respect he deserves, and leave this alone. Honestly, I think there is only one answer to this. If he wanted you to have this information, he would have given it to you himself. Do NOT ask.

I have a relationship in my past, that did not make me happy. If my son went looking into my past ( I don't know how he could possibly find out about it, there were no engagements or records. Let's just say hypothetically) and wanted to know...I would feel very uncomfortable. I had a life before him, and I had experiences before him. I do not care to speak about this relationship, and I do not owe my son an explanation about every experience I had. Do you not have things in your life, that everyone else doesn't know? How would you feel if people went digging and brought all these things up, wanting an explanation? Your father doesn't owe you this information. YOU OWE him the privacy he clearly desires.

That's a tough one. I would be DYING to know if I were you! It would be so hard not to say anything.

But at the same time, I think you also need to respect your father's privacy. Since he has never mentioned it, and has noticeably become uncomfortable when the subject is brought up in a roundaout way, I would leave it alone. It's possible that your mother really knows nothing about it, and, even 50 years later, finding out your spouse of that many years was previously married and you had no idea could be very hurtful.

Girl, I'd let sleeping dogs lie. I know you are curious, but it really doesn't matter in the entire scheme of things. He's 79 and obviously doesn't want to discuss this with you. My bet is your mom knows all about it. Just let it go.

Have you considered asking Dad to record his stories?
Here is one resource: http://storycorps.org/

If I were in your situation, this is likely how I would approach getting to know my father better-- ask him to tell some stories which could be recorded for the kids, grandkids, etc. Let him pick and choose the topics of his stories, ask about 'so, tell me about when you first moved out to X' or "what was such-and-such city like back when you were young" or "What were your hopes as a young man in your twenties?" I wouldn't ask directly about the previous marriage, but I think it would be safe to ask about other things from his childhood and around that time.

This is such an interesting post, V.. I won't be forgetting this one for a long time... it's very intriguing and inspirational. (If you are a writer, this is a great 'jumping off' point for a delicious story!)

Interesting, but in my opinion this is the danger of soap operas and reality TV story lines....we get caught up in the intrigue and forget that stuff like this is dealing with real people with real feelings. I actually felt a little ambivalent to the question until reading your SWH.
In my opinion, not only were there 2 instances that you were able to list where he had a less than positive reaction when things similar were mentioned, but in his memoirs he just skipped that whole chapter? Sounds like he has made his wish to not discuss that part of his life known. I'd respect that.
And really, I had an engagement when I was 19. It was destined to fail. We did NOT get married. I personally don't like talking about it at all either. My husband knows just enough, I told him before we were married, but that is my story and I can't see myself sharing it with my kids unless they give me reason to share a cautionary tale. There might not be anything for you to need to know. It could be anything, but I'd leave it alone. And for the record, this relationship probably wouldn't be in my memoirs either. It was a small, tiny part of my life, but not my life.

If your father hasn't brought it up in all these years, I imagine that's for a reason. I realize curiousity is a very strong emotion, but it's a very dangerous one as well. I pretty much live by the mantra that we aren't meant to know all things.

I think it would be an intrusion of your father's privacy to approach him about this. If he felt you should know, he would've told you. Who knows what happened back then, but it's so far in the past and NO ONE has mentioned it to you...that's for a reason.

I'm sorry, I know that sucks, but I honestly think you ought to try and forget about it.

I would be terribly curious myself, but it sounds like he's signaling that he just doesn't want to go there. And ... his privacy trumps your curiosity, I think.

Sorry!

Mira

** An engagement announcement and a marriage license DO NOT equal a previous marriage ladies! And I would bet that V.'s mother is aware if there was a marriage. When they applied for their marriage license, her father would have been required to list previous marriages and the date of divorce in order to marry her mother. **

When we were helping my FIL clean out his father's house, we stumbled upon a box of wedding pictures from my FIL's firs marriage. He was standing there when I opened the box, so he couldn't really avoid the question. At that point he told me (and my husband) that he had been married twice before he married my MIL. WHAT?? My husband had no idea, nor did his siblings!

What did we do? Nothing. We didn't ask any further questions. We haven't shared that information with anyone because it's not our information to share. If he hadn't been standing there, I would not have asked him about it either. He chose not to share that information with his children for a reason and it wasn't for us to guess or probe.

My husband did google the first wife's name because my FIL shared her first name with us and we knew the year (it was written on the box) out of curiosity, but never brought it up again. My FIL has been dead for nearly two years and his secret (for whatever reason he chose to keep it) is safe with us.

Having been engaged once before meeting my husband, I would be uncomfortable with my children asking me about that relationship. If there was a reason to share the experience (as in one of my children was headed down a similar path), of course I would share it. Otherwise, everyone has a few mysteries and secrets... leave them in the past where they belong. When my prior engagement is referenced I always feel sorry for my husband. He knows what happened, but it's just not part of the life we have built together and there's no need to discuss something that "never happened".

I wouldn't ask my father anything. It's really none of your business. It could be so many painful things and he hasn't felt the need to tell you about it....ever. There must be a reason. Leave it be.
L.

Normally, I would say ask dad but drop it if he does not want to answer. But since you mention twice that he got upset or angry, I say let it lie. I realize you are curious but there is a reason for the saying "curiousity killed the cat". I would also be dying to know since it is family history. It could be a very sad part of your father's life he just does not want to discuss. And your mom may NOT know and may or may not be hurt by this, depending on if she would view as past history or omission.

I would NOT ask.

You have already seen the situation pains him. It's his business, not yours.

Do you REALLY need to know the answer? He's 79. Your parents are happy. Why open that can of worms?

Why do you need to know about any relationships prior to your parents getting together? That's their business, not yours. Since he didn't address it in his memoirs, it's very clear that it's something that doesn't warrant a mention. I don't believe that amounts to secrets. Only that he had a relationship that failed. Don't let your imagination run away with you, don't make assumptions, don't pry. There's simply no reason.

hmmm, I had something like this happen to me. When I was about 20, my mom and I were driving back from a visit at my grandparents house. We were talking about something and my mom laughed and said something along the lines of, "ya, that's like grandma being married before." I was like WTH??? My grandpa married her the day after she graduated from HIGH SCHOOL. My mom said, "you knew about this..." Uh, noooooo. Aparently my grandma met someone and ran of to CA and got married (she was from MT). When her parents found out about it, they went to CA and took her home...annulled, end of story. WOW! Scandelous!!! Then shortly after she met gramps, married, and married 60+ years til they died. I think it got back to my grandparents that I was shocked about this and I vaguely remember my GRANDPA asking me if I had any questions...not really. I mean, what else is there to know? And there is ONE cool pic of my grandma on the beach in CA. That's the only "reminder" that I know of. Anyway, all that to say, I know you are curious, but your dad has not disclosed any of this to you. I wonder if your mom knows? Maybe casually ask her if your dad was serious about anyone before her? Otherwise, I would NOT ask your dad directly. Not sure if this helps, just wanted to share my story. Good luck.

I would be curious, and would want to ask just out of curiosity, but only you know your father. If he is going to get mad about it, then maybe it's not worth asking.

Unless he had kid(s) with her, it's not really all that interesting, anyway. My mother was briefly married to someone before she was with my father, and I've always known it but the guy wasn't anything special and it's never been that intriguing of a fact.

Sure, it might be an interesting 15 minute tale, if your father wants to talk about it. It's up to you if you want to rock the boat.

I would not ask my dad . . . I don't feel comfortable intruding on his privacy that way.

That being said, if MY children had a question like this I would be OK if they asked me!

Maybe one of the reasons your dad and mom were so happy together was that he went through a rough experience with a prior love interest. Sometimes when that happens you appreciate your spouse even more.

It's hard to wonder what happened but the proof is in the pudding. Your mom and dad have had (and are having still) a great life together.

I can empathize - that would intrigue me too!

Sorry, But I am close enough to my dad, to ask one last time.

Let him know your feelings could never change, you will always love and admire him.

Also this is family history. You are obviously going to be the keeper of this information for the family.

We all have family skeletons, but it does not change who we are today.
I mentioned this on here the other day..

As my husbands grandmother was dying in the hospital, she admitted her second son was adopted, but she refused to tell his story. She cried and cried and everyone told her it was fine, to not worry, but now it has left such a mystery. We keep imagining all sorts of things, but I bet in reality it was not as bad as she was worried about, but this Uncle will NEVER know, neither will his children.. He has a question mark on his branch branch on his part of the family tree..

If he says no, there is the answer, but if he would share, I wonder if it would help ease his mind.

The one thing my family does well is communicate...so I would absolutely ask my Pops, "Look what I found, whats up with this"? But please keep in mind, I would be more than happy with a 'Well, kid...that's none of your business"...and then I would drop it. But I would never be afraid to ask a question to anyone in my family.

~This is why I LOVE this site. I am constantly reminded about how different each and every family dynamic is, I find it beyond fascinating! No offense, of course but what I read from your post is that you do not come from a family of communicators, and that's OK. I say follow your heart on this one. IMO, When it comes to family, the heart never leads you astray.

I would ask your mom if I were you. My mom and I are close enough that I could do that. I hope you and your mom are too.

Dawn

Wow, that leaves so much to the imagination. Like a Nicholas Sparks book or something.

My first thought is that 50-60 yrs ago, some people viewed marriage totally differently than they do now. It might have been a forced marriage or a marriage of convenience, and your father is obviously not comfortably with how it ended (if it ever ended).

Write him a letter for him to read at his leisure. In the letter, tell him what you know, why you want to know about his woman, and if he will allow you to pursue him for answers. Let him know you'll respect whatever he decides.

My grandma had a marriage that no one knew about, well there were a few people, but none of us grandkids or my mom did. We found out after she died and was going through her things. My grandma wasn't a big talker about stuff like that so after she passed and I moved to her hometown. I asked my 'aunt' her bestfriend and the person who raised my mom for a better part of her life. it was very interesting learning so much about her, but i would have preferred to hear it from her...so knowing that. I would approach your dad, but I would back off he got to uncomfortable.

I would ask. There is no way I could go without asking. I think when it's your parent it is your business. You would have to wonder if they divorced. If not this lady would be entitled to what he has if he passes away. Your mother may not know so I would ask him before involving your mother. Good luck!!

I read secrets, secrets, secrets all over your family....you haven't told your sisters, your mom won't talk about her highschool boyfriend, your dad clearly had a relationship before your mom, with very believable proof, but no one wants to ask anyone for fear of what? Fear of the truth? Fear of a temper tantrum? Fear of ruffling someone's feathers? Why would your father turn angry and take it as a personal affront just to ask him who she was, what happened, who dumped who, was it because you met mom? These are such innocent questions this late in life. But for him they are still painful and that is the unusual element here. No sense in taking these secrets to the grave.

if curiousity killed the cat i must have unlimited lives=)

i'd ask him or have your brother ask...away from your mom. if she doesnt know theres no reason for her to now at this stage in life. however if it is a secret it may feel good for him to finally let it out and if its not secret then you'll learn more about your dad

Your question is really interesting and sort of something I experienced in my own family a few years ago. My dad's mother married a man long before she had my father and his siblings. She had one son with this man before divorcing him. My dad's half-brother was always a member of the family, even after my grandmother married my grandfather and had nine other kids with him--or so we thought.

A few years ago, long after both my grandparents had died as well as my dad's half-brother, a woman sent a letter to one of my aunts. It was meant for my grandmother, but since she was gone, it went to one of her daughters instead. The woman said that she was their half-sister. My grandmother had put her up for adoption when she was a baby, and the woman had lived as an only child ever since. She was looking for her biological mother to get information about her genetic medical history. My living aunts and uncles (another uncle had passed at this point) and dad discussed the letter and decided they'd meet this woman. None of them had any recollection of their parents or half-brother ever talking about this child who had been born before them. The woman had no information about her biological father, so we don't know if he was my own grandfather (before my grandparents got married) or another man.

Anyway, my aunts, uncles, and father decided they'd meet her in a restaurant by themselves, without the extended family. Dad said that when she walked through the door, it was like seeing their own mother in the flesh again. They embraced her with open arms, and she and her little family have become a part of ours ever since. I love my "new" aunt, and despite the lost years in between, we've come to know her as just one of the family.

I don't know if that gives you any other ideas about what to do with your father's situation, but thought I'd share. You never know what kind of secrets can be taken to the grave.

What would I do - absolutely nothing. Perhaps after both of your parents die, you could do some additional research, but that would be all I would even consider.