Just sort of trying to sort this out in my head, maybe the mama's can give some perspective.
I recently attended a community event and was introduced to an older woman, who during the course of the conversations realized that we were related. According to he,r she is my mothers cousin on my mom's dad's side. my mom's dad died when she was a teenager. So I never knew him, nor does my mother talk about him much. As far as i know, once he died, his family mostly cut off. my grandmother and her chiildren ( my mom).
My mom has mentioned once that there was an uncle that provided some free/reduced services after her father died, and the impression i got was that this uncle touched my mother and aunt inappropriately, I"ve never persued this subject so i don't know how bad it might have gotten, but from the tone I'm assuming some line was crossed.
This lady i met was so sweet and excited to have met me and blah blah blah, I tend to be reserved so it was too much for me, but If my mom had never made that comment about her uncle, i think she woudl have loved to reconnect with this woman. But if this uncle was this lady's father, that could bring up some very bad memories for my mom, So my question is, do i mention meeting this lady or just assume that if I've gone this long with out running into her before that it might be better just to leave it alone.
would you tell mom or not?
THanks so far,
Dawn good point, I will double check but i do believe he is dead. I goggled this woman's name and her mom's obit came up, so at this point i have verified the woman's maiden name is the same as my mom's. And this woman's father was in the same profession as the "uncle". I"m wondering what he might have done to his daughter too. ugg.
Don't forget the good ol con artist.
Not only might you be reluctant with information b/c of the family situation - but be especially careful of "related via a dead relative".
Remember uncle joe? he was my mom's cousins favorite uncle. Hey, I'm starting a business - I want to give family the first opportunity as I need people responsible with money, b/c you'll be millionaires.
This is the man's daughter, right?
She cannot be held responsible in any way for the sins of her father! (I know you know that.)
I would probably mention something like "I met a lady that said we were related somehow....her name is Mary Smith, the daughter of grandpap's brother's daughter. She seemed nice. Have you ever met her?" Then follow her lead, based on her reaction.
Your poor mom! Al this time--has she ever talked to anyone abuot what happened, I wonder?
mention it lightly in a btw sort of way and follow your mom's lead.
if i were her i would appreciate your sensitivity, but she's a grown woman and can decide for herself how to handle this. don't make the decision for her, even from a place of kindness.
khairete
S.
I agree with the points Suz T. and ☆ ★OneAndDone★ ☆ made. The daughter in no way could be responsible for any actions her father committed, and your mother is a grown woman capable of making up her own mind. I would mention it to her in a nonchalant way and follow her lead. If she is disinterested, so be it, and if she is excited, that's great. But under no circumstances would I press her for an explanation of what she said previously. If he is still alive your mother can choose not to see him.
by all means bring it up. you may be reserved but you don't have to live in fear of having a discussion with your mom. get the whole story.
believe me after what has been done to my family (BY family), you can work around a LOT. especially considering the people you're talking about were not involved directly. it's amazing how many subjects can be avoided if you are determined to play nice and be friendly, and not hold past grudges against those who didn't have anything to do with it.
go for it. she's probably a lovely woman. and who knows about the situation with her father - maybe he made a mistake. maybe the mistake was on "your" side. who knows. it's over. those involved are gone. let it go.
From personal experience, they are lost for a reason. My sister went digging and found nothing but the same grief my mother got - even to the point that from my "grandmother" that we did not exist and her daughter was dead. So, again, in my personal experience let a sleeping dog lie.
If this community is somewhere your mom might run into her, I'd just give her a head's up and let her decide what to do next. I was contacted by a long lost cousin...who later disconnected again and the only reason I'm not more annoyed by it is because even if she didn't email ME anymore, she gave my estranged (for good reason) father's attorney my email so that when he died I at least got a copy of the will (disowned, of course) and knew he was dead.
That said, until you can verify that this person is who she says she is, I'd keep a wide berth and keep a lot of info to myself.
Is the man still alive? I got to the end of your story, and hoped you would say. To me, that means a lot. If he is dead, I would be more likely to allow a relationship, if it weren't painful to your mom. If he is alive, then I would not pursue it or speak to your mom about it.
Does that help?
Dawn
My experience isn't quite like yours, but a few years ago, one of my aunt's (dad's sister) received a letter from a woman claiming she was the daughter of their mother (my grandmother). She had been put up for adoption after she was born and had been an only child all her life. In her 60's, she realized she needed more info about her biological family for medical reasons. My grandmother and my grandfather have both been gone for a very long time as well as my dad's oldest half-brother (from a marriage my grandmother had had before she met my grandfather). This woman only had my grandmother's name on record. I don't think she knows who her father was, and if my grandmother knew, she took it to the grave.
Anyway, when my dad and his brothers and sisters found out about the letter, they were unsure of what to do. There are a lot of them (five sisters, three surviving brothers). I think there was a lot of confusion about why their mother had never mentioned this half-sister, since they'd always known their half-brother before. They decided they'd go ahead and meet her in a neutral place to make certain she was who she said she was. They met at a restaurant, and my dad said that as soon as she walked through the door, it was like their mother coming back to them. They immediately embraced her, and she's been a part of our family since.
I don't know everything about your mother's situation, but it might be a good idea to just mention that you met this woman. Then, leave it to your mother to take the next step, if she wants to at all. Sometimes, good can come from reuniting with family. My own mother hasn't seen her brothers in a long time, and she feels so hurt to be left out of the loop, discovering from someone else that her one brother has cancer. If this relationship would only cause more harm, I think it would be up to your mother to decide whether or not to pursue it. Good luck!
The lady had nothing to do with what the Uncle did. I would tell your Mother. If your mother doesn't want to have a relationship than at least she knows shes out there.
I'd probably talk to your new found relation a little more, just to make sure she's legit and talk to her more about family involvement and get her answers BEFORE I would bring it up with your mom. The more you hear the otherside of the story the more equipped you will be when you talk to your mom about it.
