Crying It Out????

The problem with the method of crying it out is two things:
1. The reason that they stop crying is that they have given up. They learn that the world is a place where their needs will not be met. They become powerless and feel helpless.
2. Their brains do not develop as well as a baby that get their needs met. When a baby is crying and not getting its needs met, s/he goes into the hind/back part of the brain. This is the place of instincts; fight/fight, fear, anger, etc. The more that the baby goes to that place, the less s/he is developing the part of the brain that is responsible for higher thinking and rational thought.

Good luck!
H.

Hi J.,

I understand you completely. I did the Sleepy Planet program and I am so happy that it works. It was difficult to listen to him cry but you'll understand everything if you just read and watch the video from Sleepy Planet.com. I swear by it.. my best friend, her sister, her sister's friends, and my a co-worker have their child sleep trained. My friend that gave me the video and book to review, had her daughter, at 4 months, sleeping from 7pm to 7am and now that her daughter is 1 yrs old.. she sleeps from 7:30pm - 7am. My son, when he was 4 1/2 months, slept from 7pm - 6am with three day time naps. Now he is 9 months and sleeps from 7:30pm to 6:ooam with two big naps during the day,about 2hours each nap. Children need sleep to be more productive, for learning skills etc. Now when we put my son in his crib for naps or bedtime, always awake, he puts himself to sleep without crying. If he wakes up before 6am he will play in his crib until we come to get him at 6am. Don't get me wrong if you go off schedule, due to travel or you have a busy day, your baby may fuss for that day's nap and sleep time but be consistant and get back on schedule and your baby will be fine. You're teaching your child to be independent giving them the skills to put themselves to sleep. I didn't start the Sleepy Planet program until my son was 18 weeks old because I wanted to make sure he knew how to soothe himself, thumb or fist sucking and moving his head side to side, etc. Let me know if you have any questions. My husband and I have time to ourselves from 7:30pm and on. Good luck and get some sleep!

J.,
Oh...tear my heart out! I feel your pain - I tried to let my little one cry it out one time when he was about the same age. It was nap time, and he cried for 40 minutes straight...and the only reason I did it was because I saw on TV people swearing by it. Well, when I went to get him, he was out of breath, sweating like crazy, heartbeat was racing, and he was beet red (and we are black!). And right then and there, I vowed I would NEVER do it again.

I just stuck to a routine and eventually he was sleeping great in the day, and at night. Now at 16 months he takes a 2 hour nap, and sleeps 12 hours at night - and he didnt have to cry it out!! Try "The No Cry Sleep Solution" book. I loved it, and it works.

Good Luck - and happy sleeping!

J.

There is a much more loving way to get your son to sleep without crying. This is what I did with my 2nd and it worked beautifully.

Phase 1:
- rock him in his room until he is almost asleep
- then place him in his crib and pat his back or tummy while you sing or talk to him until he is asleep and you can back away without waking him.

Phase 2:
- place him in his crib right away
- pat his back/tummy, talk/sing, until he is almost asleep
- slowly stop patting his back but keep talking/singing
- back away from the crib and slowly stop talking/singing
- if he starts to fuss again talk/sing louder but do not go back to the crib
- wait till he's asleep and then leave

Phase 3.
- put him in the crib with a kiss and hug
- say good night
- leave the room

I moved through all of these stages very gradually over several days. After two weeks I was able to lay her down (swaddled) in her crib and she would lay there without a single noise until she fell asleep. She is now two and still does not cry when it is time to go to sleep. She will sit in her crib and talk for an hour if she isn't tired enough to fall asleep. She also, since the time I did this, wakes up happy and just talks to herself until I come for her. There have been times when the monitor accidently got turned off and she would sit in her crib for quite some time completely content just waiting. She'll sit in there for an hour in the morning if it simply isn't time to get up yet.

My vote is:

No!

Find another way. There are many great resources out there to teach you alternatives to crying it out. He is still so young!

My kids woke up at the least every two hours until the age of two (when the were done nursing at night). I accepted it and enjoyed the fact that this really is a short time in their lives and to just enjoy it.

I too had a stack of baby books that contradicted eachother when my first was about 5mos old. In the end, I went with my gut which I later found out was a parenting style labeled as attachment parenting. I've parented the same way with both and wouldn't have it any other way. By the way, both of my kids sleep through the night and are very well adjusted, confident and independent.

In the end, you and your husband have to do what is best for your family.
Enjoy your baby!
M.

I recommend:
Listening to you gut or if you need some books on the subject
The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley or visit the Sears Pediatrics website at
www.askdrsears.com

J., my first question is: why don't you just rock him each night and every time he wakes until he gets over his colic? I know it seems inconvinient but his colic won't last too long and I would think crying it out would only upset his little tummy that much more.

My first son went through this and I was unglued. I know what you're going through.

A very dear friend of mine shared a secret, if you're willing to try it, for colic. She said to buy some mint leaves, boil them in water, strain them from the liquid and feed it to the child. She said her 3rd child had major colic but once she did this it made him feel much better and she got sleep after all.

{Hugs} You will all get through this. Put those books away!

My first son had been sleeping well until around 9 months when he began waking up often. It was making him unhappy, not to mention my husband and I. There are many negative repercussions of lack of sleep for both parents and child! Our doctor gave us a very logical explanation for the problem: our son was used to falling asleep in my arms, usually nursing. He would awaken later in the night, as babies naturally do, and would be so startled that he could not soothe himself back to sleep. The doctor compared it to us falling asleep in our own bed and then waking up in the middle of the night in a hotel bed. So he advised coming up with a simple routine to follow every night around the same time (i.e. bath, read book, sing song) and then placing our son in bed while still awake. He would learn to soothe himself and would not be startled when he woke up in the middle of the night.
We had the reverse situation from you - my husband could not stomach the cry-it-out method, while I was confident about it. So he left the house and told me to call when he could come back. It was three hours before my son was calmly asleep!! During that time, I called my mom and went online for support. I only walked into the room twice to make sure he was okay and reassure him, without picking him up. Well, there has not been a nap or night since then when he has cried more than five minutes (and he is 5 years old). Most of the time, he never cried at all. Bed time became a pleasant routine that we looked forward to.
That first time was really rough, but I am convinced that it equipped him to fall asleep contentedly and helped our whole family get much-needed sleep. He is a loving, smart, well-balanced child who was not harmed in any way by the experience. He loves his bedtime routine to this day, and it has not changed since he was 9 months old. Good luck as you sort through the many contradictory messages and ideas. In the end, trust your own instincts with your own child!

An infant's mind becomes capable of REM sleep around 6 weeks old. This is when lochia usually is done flowing. Nursing through the night during that time helps with the uterus recovering. Also at 6 weeks along, that is when post partum depression usually strikes and it consistantly strikes those who do not start sleeping through the night. It all is incredibly interconnected.

Babies need training and opportunity to learn to cope with good sleep habits. Your hormones will be mercilessly triggered as you help your baby build this bridge. Husbands have a gift for helping babies transition to good sleep habits. It is VERY unwise to cut your husband out of this rite of passage. It will do great things to bond your baby to him. Especially if he uses the 2, 5, 10, 15 minute check on the baby technique. Pace your night weaning wisely and within a few days to a few weeks, your baby and you will be harvesting the benefits of growth hormone and nuerotransmitter repair from the deep, uninterrupted sleep. Your baby will excell in language learning to boot!

Best of luck to you!

I would have to say the reason it is so stressful to let your baby cry it out is because it is wrong for your baby and you know it. Imagine how you would feel if you were about to steal something from a drugstore, maybe kind of like listening to your baby cry it out? I let my babies sleep with me, they NEVER cry. My 3 and 6 year old go to sleep in their bed every night. The baby wants to be with you, needs to be with you and it sounds like you feel the same way. Don't squelch your maternal instincts now because you will never trust yourself to do the right thing.

Dr. Sears is amazing!

If you can't stomach it, this method probably isn't the solution for you because you have to be completely consistant for it to work. Instead of a flat cry-it-out rule try making rules for yourself that you can follow consistantly. Something that you feel comfortable with - like maybe try going in to check him, but not picking him up. Or maybe get him up, do a short routine (feed or sing or rock) and put him back in bed. At that point walk out and close the door and let him cry - you know he's okay. Then give yourself a time limit that you think feels reasonable for how long you'll let him cry and stick to it. Every three days make it a few minutes longer. If he doesn't go to sleep after that time period (he probably won't at first), only go in if he's unhappy (happy bedtime crib time is good for babies developmentally). I liked to wait for my daughter to take a deep breath so that I arrived in between screams - it made me feel better. Do the routine again and put him back in bed again and walk out. BE CONSISTANT whatever you decide. I did this with my colicy first baby. I'm hardened now and can usually tell a serious something's-not-right cry from a I'm-restless-and-want-to-have-attention-even-though-its-midnight. I know that babies this age can be taught. They are learning about the world and it's our job to teach them. Don't feel guilty about teaching your baby about having a schedule. It will be a blessing to both you and your baby as he grows and learns.

At some point babies do need to learn how to go to sleep on their own, but at the same time they also need to know you are there for them if they need you, so it's a hard thing to balance.

There are all kinds of techniques, but not everything works for every baby, and the fact that your son has reflux makes it even harder. My son had it too, so he cried a lot, and he's a twin, so I always worried my daughter would not be able to sleep with him crying all the time, but she just got used to it. It is very hard to let them cry. At times one of us would go to our twins, but we did use the cry it out method, and it does work. You should start off with a shorter time period and gradually work up to a longer one. You can also stay in the room for a bit without going to him or talking, and slowly work your way out the door once it starts working. If you must go in, you can pat him on the back and tell him he's okay and then leave again. It does eventually stop, but you have to get through that initial difficult phase and break the cycle.

There were a few times when both of our kids were crying and it made me feel so bad that I went to another room so I could not hear it. When I came back, they were asleep. You have to remember that as long as they have been fed, diaper changed and are not sick or in danger, they are fine, and crying does not hurt them. We used pacifiers, and that helped a lot. I hope some of this helps a little.

Hi J.,

I have twins (boy and girl) who are 4 1/2 months old. Andrew falls asleep easily, but Emma always needed to be held, bounced, etc. My pediatrician suggested that we let her cry it out. She cried for 1 hour the first night, but it lessened to 15 minutes on some nights. It's been two weeks, and she's doing much better. Also, she used to wake up crying, but now there have been times when I find her in the crib awake and smiling. She can now sleep for 6 hours straight. It was hard to let her cry, but worth it!

Dear J. R,

Give your child 10 minutes to fall asleep. If your child is still crying, they may need to be changed or may need some handling. I had to swaddle my daughter and wave her around in a figure of 8 motion in front of me in order to rock her back to sleep after her 3am feeding! You'll find something that works, remember, you're the mother, trust your gut instincts. BTW, men don't have the same insight into raising children as women do! Trust me on this one!! You do what you feel is right and you'll learn from each experience. Hold and love your baby! :) Suz

what are the reasons your husband is so determined to let your son cry it out? is he set on that type of parenting style? or is he willing to try other things that may be more appropriate for your child? children are just as different from adults. what works for one child may not work for the next.

have you done research on attachment parenting? you may be shocked to see what some of the results from the research is and how touch affects our children's physical and emotional health as well as influencing their adult lives.

your son may also be experiencing night terrors. would you want to have to cry yourself back to sleep if you were terrified? there's nothing wrong with making your son feel like his mother and father are there to comfort him or protect him when he needs it.

What if your son is having some gas pain or colic. Start some natural tea like baby magic tea and see what happens.

You are awake when the baby cries so what is the harm in picking the baby up to attempt to comfort him. If you are frustrated it is best to let the baby cry and give yourself time but otherwise hold the little guy. They are only babies for a little while. Binding them tight in a blanket and swaddling can help. I saw a oprah show recently regarding baby language. Maybe you could check out her website to view the show.

I am a mother of 4 ranging in ages from 23 years old to 3 years old.

Hi J.,
I can relate. As a first time mom, 11 years ago, my son cried for 2 hours every night for about 2 hours. I like you had the baby books piled up. What worked for us was:
My husband and I took turns letting him cry it out.Between this tiome which was about 500 pm to 7:00 pm, we did not make any plans nor did we invite people over. We stayed home. We would just hold him, in our arms where we knew he was safe, and let him cry. After about 3-4 weeks of this, his colic went away.
After the colic was over, if he got fussy we would put him in his crib for a while, and let him cry it out. MAybe like 2-3 minute increments. Sometimes he would either sleep or just calm down.We would always talk to him and tell him we loved him, in a calm voice. But for us, teaching him to self sooth was great, it just takes time, and patience.It won't be like this forever. By the way, he has turned out to be a great kid!