Creative Discipline

My husband and I have had great success using Love and Logic techniques. We bought the CD's on the website and listened to them together after the kids were alsleep. It really helped us.

Hope that helps.

Hi. I'm a mom of two boys (4 and 2) that we brought home from Russia last November. We have had to really do some serious research on parenting! I have two recommendations. One is Love and Logic parenting. It sounds like it would work wonderfully for your 4yo. The idea is that the kids are not punished by the parent, per se, but by the actions and by having to suffer the natural consequences. For example, "I will be serving lunch for the next 20 minutes. Eat or not, it's up to you, but we won't be eating again until dinner so make sure you fill up." Then, if she doesn't eat, you sympathize with her like, "Oh, I'm so sorry you're hungry. I would be too if I hadn't eaten my lunch. I hate being hungry." Things like that, but not in a condescending way, in a sincere way. It's really hard to explain with one example but I promise it's not mean and it works really well for stong willed children because they get to make their own choices and then experience the consequences. The other aspect of it is to offer your kids two options that you can live with and letting them choose. This gives them more control. The basic idea is to give them as much control as you can. It's great for teaching responsibility and it really calms the control battles. I highly recommend getting the book on tape and listening to it in the car with your husband when you're out driving around (or whenever you can). It's awesome! The other suggestion is a technique based on attachment theory. Basically, when your child misbehaves, you show disaproval by looking away. That's a super simplified version but I have a CD called "The Child Connection: Live" and I'd be happy to lend it to you. It's about an hour and it's a seminar on this technique. My husband and I listened to it in the car on a long drive and used it with our kids at the store and it really works well!

Best of luck!

M.

You may be interested in Love and Logic, http://www.loveandlogic.com
Brows around there web site, listen to the funny parenting stories. http://www.loveandlogic.com/audioclips.html
I absolutely love it, and my son is ADHD.

I have tons of experiance in Love and Logic so I can say that it is a wonderful way of parenting, no anger, threats, frusturation (well, very little) and has brought so much peace to our home.

Hi K.,

For a child that grew up in the spanking and hitting environment I do not agree in using that technique. What I have learned from other moms and also in my siblings is that when you hit a child you are teaching them that violence is an okay way to deal with disagreements. I have a 9 month old and I took the Love and Logic parenting class and I learned a lot from their technique. It's hard to use at the moment since he's very young but even at this moment he is learning the word "NO" very well and he stops doing something when I ask him to stop. I don't yell or hit him. I have spoken to many moms with toddlers and they tell me the technique works wonders. I believe one of the moms below gave you the link.

Good luck!

D.

Similar to tickets, I used "points". I cut some 1"x3" strips of cardstock in about 3 colors. Each was worth a set number of points, for example: red= 1 point, blue= 5 points, and blue= 25 points. It didn't take them long to learn they could trade 5 of one for the next value up.

They got points for meeting various expectations (clean room, brushing teeth, doing homework...) whatever you want to encourage and paid them for privileges (TV time, time with friends, treats, $ -- I think the rate was something like a nickel/point ...) If they were sassy, or uncooperative, etc; I would charge them points. If they were extra helpful, I would sometimes award extra points (sometimes they just got a smile and "thank you").

I just carried "point tickets" around with me and gave and took throughout the day. They were only allowed to cash in their points for $ on Saturday and if their was something they wanted I would just hold out my hand and say "Sure, that'll be 5 points please."

I don't remember whether my girls were 2 and 4, or 3 and 5--but both were not yet in school when I started it. I probably kept it up for about 6 months to a year and by then they kind of had the idea of you earn what you get.

Kristene,

There is a book called "positive discipline" by Jane Nelson
http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Jane-Ed-D-Nelse...

that I've found very helpful. She also has a preschooler version.

Good luck!

T.

My favorite way to deal with this (stuggle for independence) is to give the child choices right up front. It helps them think that they are somewhat in control of the situation and therfore are usually a little more cooperative. For instance if you are asking her to do something and she refuses, you can say: You can choose to not pick up your toys and go to time out (or other punishment, loss of prevelige, etc..)or you can choose to pick them up and you will get (reward-such as treat, more tv time, participation in upcoming activiy, etc...). Then say: It is your choice. If they refuse to choose then you say: Ok I will choose for you, I choose that you go to time out because you are not cooperating. If it does go this far 9 times out of 10 they will decide halfway to time out that they want to be in control and she will choose the cooperative choice. This works for me amazingly well. You might have to keep practicing this negotiation process for a while to get it right before the child starts to realize that she has control of the outcome, but dont give up. I think that this works better than just immediately sending to time out because children are smart and I think that they realize in no time that they can get away with something for a small price. But the opportunity to pass up control of the situation in irresistable to kids, after all, that is their primary goal, to be in control of their cute little developing person.
Becky

Sometimes my kids do the same thing. 1)When this happens at my house I just ignore them. Later when they ask what's going on I tell them if they refuse to listen and obey what I say I will do the same. 2)Another approach I have taken is that when I have gotten upset with them and they will not obey the "law of the house" or rules, I have threatened to call the police on them. We respect the law of the land, why not respect the "law of the house" One time I picked up the phone and my boy got so upset. He didn't want to disobey again. 3)Another thing you might try is to say, today I'll be the kid, you be the parent and make the rules. Right now there are not any. See what they come up with, then try to apply it again to the child and ask if he could try obeying the same rules he made.To bad kids don't come with instruction books. Good luck.

The only thing that works with my son when he gets like that is run him! My dog gets the same way. I take him for a walk or to the park or something I think he just has alot more energy at this age and needs an outlet. As for eating my son has been a pretty picky eater ever since he turned 3. What has helped has been letting him help me make his food and keeping it simple and I sneak healthy stuff into his food like chopped spinach in spagehtti sauce and whole food protein powder in a smoothie or yogurt. good luck! ~V

When my sister was having the same kind of difficulty with her son, she used "tickets" as rewards for good behavior. They were something he earned when he helped, cleaned up, obeyed, and then he could trade them in for privileges--to watch television, fun time at the park, fruit snacks, things like that. It helped him to see how his actions directly affected his privileges and placed the responsibility of behaving appropriately on his shoulders. I told a friend of mine about my sister's method, and she also had good success with her daughter. Good luck.

You know, it's true that kids will be kids, but they need to be taught discipline. They need to understand authority and obedience. I have read the book Shepherding a Child's Heart and it has completely changed my perspective on discipline. It does talk about chastising, but in a different light. I do believe in spanking (never in anger though). Spanking, or chastising, is meant to correct behavior. Your daughter is old enough to understand consequences and if you sit her down and tell her she is disobeying you and that is WHY she is getting a spanking she will get it! Immediately after the spanking, you explain to her that she is supposed to obey you because you are her mother and you are in charge. Then you forgive her and love on her, give kisses and it's over. That way it does not linger on for a long time. Well, I hope this helps!

C.~

K.,
There is a message in here from Megan, I firmly agree. I have had some experience with Love and Logic and absolutely adore the mothods. There is nothing else like it that works like it. Best to listen on tape or CD available at most Libraries. And yes, it is difficult to explain until you have had a little experience with it.
Aside from that, 4 year olds are tough. Just wait till they hit 10. No just kidding, they are challenging and rewarding the same through all stages of childhood. I think that to truely be able to dicipline a child, you must pay attention to the little things and be consistent in what you choose to do. That is what will make the biggest difference.
I hope you find something that really makes a difference for your family and also, the advice in this column is great. There are a few golden nuggets here. Take care.
A.