Discipline Tactics - Positive or Negative

Time out and spanking never worked for us! I don't know what age group you might be referring to. Taking away privledges: computer, tv, video games, toys, outside play works most of the time but he can entertain himself without those things (he likes to read and draw) so sometimes those aren't much of a punishment either. He's pretty helpful around the house but I have found some 'chores' he can't stand doing. So I do use those on occassion: picking up our dogs poop, raking the yard, vacuuming my car, pulling weeds and taking our puppy for a walk - she doesn't do good on a leash yet - so walking her is like walking a wet cat!

When I spend the day with my 4yo grandson, I rely upon the wisdom described in two books. One is called Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. Studies show that children whose parents practice "emotion coaching" are more physically healthy and emotionally resilient, less affected by stress, perform better academically, have better relationships, and are less likely to develop behavior problems.

The other book is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

These excellent resources have practical tips and examples of how to be a more empathetic parent. It's not the same thing as being permissive, either, since it actually helps you draw clear limits for your child in a way that children can better accept. We have found that when we let my grandson know that we hear his need or desire empathetically, he's amazingly capable of working through and choosing a more appropriate reaction, even when we can't let him do what he wants.

Timeouts, threats, deprivations and other punishments never really yielded such positive results, and I notice that on those rare occasions when I "feel" like coming down on him harder, its because I've skipped the important step of being empathetic because I feel too rushed (or lazy).

One other contemplation on time-outs (which work for some kids but not for others): This approach is most effective when used as a chance for a child to reset out-of-control emotions. It should be a "safe" time, preferably still in connection with a parent (who might be sitting nearby sorting the laundry). If it is used as punshment, with rigid rules about minutes per year and the shame of isolation, the whole process can seriously backfire with a righteously angry and spirited child. Then the timeout loses its original purpose (a chance for the child to calm down) and becomes about winning and losing. This is too much for some children, and the results can be really sad – the breakdown of a loving, cooperative and supportive environment in which a child feels trust.

I always shudder when I hear a well-intentioned mom describe a two-hour "time out" in which she thinks she has to repeatedly drag a reactive child back to the naughty spot. I had a mom like that, and a sister who was broken, for life, by that kind of interaction.

Hi L.,

I'm not a fan of spanking. It's not because research states that spanking results in increased violent tendencies in kids, but because there are other effective ways to solve discipline issues. Yes, time out's are effective. Time In is also effective. If you don't know much about time IN, please read my blog at www.ontheballparent.com/blog.

I'm a huge fan of both consequences and rewards. Misbehavior must be acknowledged and dealt with or it will escalate. Research states that children need and want limits set for them. If they misbehave, I like to remove priviledges that depend on what's appropriate for the age of the child. It could be anything from a loss of dessert to removal of electronics. That said, I'm also a fan of recognizing children's good behavior. Positive feedback and small, but nor overused rewards go a long way.

Most importantaly, and because I specialize in teaching parents about emotional intelligence, I like for parents to find out what their chlild is feeling when the misbehave. Sometimes, a child just needs to learn how to process emotions and that will solve discipline issues.

Good luck!

I just saw an article on the internet this morning saying spanking could lead to children that are bullies. I definitely do not believe in spanking.

Whatever you do is a model for your child. So spanking would be teaching a child to hit.

I do think very short timeouts are appropriate for young children. More as a way to calm down enough to focus. Very short however.

The best way to teach a child is to be their model. Do unto others as they do unto you. Very small children may be too young to get it is you are wanting them to learn, so no amount of spanking or timeouts would be helpful. In those cases it is up to you to create a safe atmosphere. Avoid setting them up for failure.

If you are truly in need of a basic parenting style I would suggest one of two things. Finding a parenting class in your community and/or buy the "Love and Logic" books. Consistency is key in child rearing. Children need the consistency and it is easy to understand. So......having other caregivers on board with what you decide is helpful. At the very least visit the library and look at "Love and Logic" books.

I think there is a time and place for spanking, but rarely and only for very serious offenses. I used to teach a course to the staff at the daycare center I worked for called "Behavior Guidance and Discipline" and it talked about shifting the idea of discipline from punishment to guidance. Most kids want attention and a lot of times it doesn't matter whether it's positive or negative as long as they get it - so if you only respond to them and pay attention to them when they are bad, then you are encouraging them to be bad, but by taking note of their good behavior and responding appropriately when they behave appropriately there is less need for punishment. That being said, it's natural to notice when things aren't right and I think it takes a lot of discipline on our own parts as parents to learn the best method. Every family is different and every kid in each family is different too so it's unfair for any person (to some extent) to judge another parent for doing what works in their family. Timeouts are usually used inappropriately and ineffectively so frequently have little lasting effect.

I believe in both positive and negative discipline approaches.

We had this conversation a few weeks ago at our daughter's 2 year appointment with our pediatrician. She has a much different personality than her 3.5 year old brother, so our approaches to discipline have been different. We were all in agreement that they need to be consistent and fair, but an approach that works for one personality may not work for another.

Our son is motivated by rewards, and the possibility of losing something (going to the library, watching is Nick Jr. shows, etc) is enough to keep him in line. His sister could care less. Time outs really don't work for either.

But, we brought-up to the pediatrician to which he agreed, we're seeing much more movement towards good behavior when we reinforce the positive instead of pointing out the negative. Yes, we have to do corrective action with both, but when we tell them how proud we are for using good manners, being a good brother/sister/friend, how much we appreciate them helping clean-up, it has a much better impact than just telling them what not to do.

Hope that helps.

My first approach is usually taking something away or sending him to his room. If the same offense is repeated then I get more stern and has sometimes ended in getting a spanking. But, spanking is and has always been a very very last resort and never done in anger.