Crazy Mom

I would ask the pastor to be there at dropoff time to visit with the kids, not to confront her. Be honest at how you stressed out and can't take it.
If she doesn't stop, he can intervene.

All I can think of is how many times have we seen posts on this site from moms who are having a hard time finding friends? What do we tell them to do? We tell them to reach out, even if initially rebuffed. We tell them to find something in common with the other women around them, join clubs, get out of the house.

You led her on, and then, unable to confront your own insecurities, you treated her badly in the hopes she would leave you alone. You gossiped about her with a friend. Instead of being honest, you were passive aggressive (emails). Instead of being genuinely polite, you feigned some need to put "your child's needs" above all else (school situation). Saying hello to her nicely would not have upset your day. IT WAS HER SON'S FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, TOO, and you couldn't be happy for her as well as your precious self? You took the low road and lost your temper. She deserves an humble apology TODAY.

There is nothing wrong with this other woman, but there certainly is something wrong with your manners.

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I haven't read the other responses, but here is my take:

I have had many women act this way toward me. Usually it turns out they have very few friends and are the clingy type in all relationships. I would never yell at them to LEAVE ME ALONE the way you yelled at that lady. That was uncalled for.

If you talk to the pastor, what are you going to say? This lady was asking me why I was ignoring her and really being pushy, then I screamed at her? You would sound like teenagers tattling to a parent or teacher. I doubt this is something the pastor wants to hear about. It would be different if this woman were threatening you or actually stalking. She wasn't. If you ever do feel threatened from her in the future, then talk to someone.

There is a way to handle people who are bothering you. Screaming at them the way you did and cursing at them is not the best way. Hopefully the two of you can simply remain cordial due to the school situation. Minimize your contact. Usually these types simply go away.

Good luck.

You were really rude to her. Perhaps she has a hard time making friends (I know I do) and when she thinks she's made one, she's perhaps a little excited at the prospect. I have been there, and had someone treat me the way you did (although I wasn't going overboard, and this mom was, a little, but still, no excuse on your part) and it really, really hurt my feelings. I imagine this woman thought she was being very nice to you, and how did you do unto her?

Wait...I'm confused. Which one of you is the crazy one? She sounds like a a woman looking for a friend. You, on the other hand...sounded crazy.

Haha!! MarieChantel S., we are ALL entitled to our opinions. Mine is no less valid then yours. And...I'm sorry...but she never was really nice to the woman. She TOLERATED her from the beginning, led her on, and then went crazy on her and yelled at her.

wow! put the shoe on the other foot and see how it fits!!!

You owe her an apology. You were terribly rude to her.

She sounds like someone who doesn't know how to behave in social situations. So when she gets someone to give her attention - she's excited. While she is an adult - she may have been VERY sheltered in her childhood and does NOT know how to "behave" in a relationship with other women.

If you don't want contact with her - instead of ignoring her - VERY RUDE when someone is reaching out to you and TRYING to establish a relationship - tell her you are sorry how you treated her - but at this time, you are NOT comfortable around her and you will be cordial - you don't feel like you and she "fit" to be close friends...explain to her - if she's willing to listen that it bothered you that she has e-mailed you, enrolled her child in the same school and continually calls you...THAT is NOT how I operate....

maybe you can start from scratch and tell her your expectations in a relationship with girl friends...she might turn out to be better than you realize - she might just need help in "socializing"..

GOOD LUCK!!

You know, to be perfectly honest with you, your treatment of her is exactly why I am TERRIFIED of trying to make new friends. I don't want someone to think of me as a crazy stalker for trying to be friendly & make plans together. I think you owe her an apology. Maybe you don't have to be best friends, but I think you need to find a way to be civil to her and to treat her with the respect and dignity that all human beings deserve. If I were her I would be VERY shaken.

Dang girl, you were terribly rude to her on the phone. I read through your post very carefully and up until I got to the phone call part I was on your side. Sorry, there are ways to handle clingy people and that is not one of them.

She was not stalking you! You had the opportunity to be polite but have good boundaries but you blew it. You should have told her no in the beginning if you wanted to be nice to her.
I have a friend who is nice but too clingy. Instead of telling her off, I am ALWAYS polite to her and have made it a point to include her in group activities so that she can connect with other women who have similar interests to her.

You have the opportunity to make things right. I hope you apologize. It doesn't mean that you have to be her friend, but at least you can both be in the same room and be civil to each other.

I think this is why sometimes ignoring people isn't the best policy. She may be overly heavy on the contacting you with emails and such, but I think a quick, honest answer is best. She wants to know if you're available in 6 months, quick email back "sorry, no I can't commit." She has a question about preschool, "hi, just calling you back about the guidebook, I'm sorry I'm not sure, you should ask the teacher" Frankly, I feel sorry for her, it sounds like she could use some friends. She comes across as being a little needy, or a little different, that's all. I'm not sure why you didn't just smile and say hello before walking your son into preschool. You may not like her, but she's going to be in your school community, you should at least be cordial. I think you should apologize. Don't ignore her because that is rude. Just keep your contacts and conversation short and sweet. Eventually she will get the hint that you do not want to be friends and move on.

You don't want to be friends with her, then don't. But there was not a reason one for you to respond to her the way you did. You were mean. You should apologize to her about your behavior. If you want her to leave you alone fine but you have to leave her alone as well. There is NO reason to get the Pastor involved. You are creating your own drama.

Wow. It's amazing to me that everyone is always so defensive about how their children are treated, and then adults treat each other like this. Did you ever stop to think that maybe there is something wrong with this mom, that has nothing to do with her being a stalker? I'm sure there are PLENTY of adults who would be considered to be on the autism spectrum today that were never diagnosed as children. Perhaps she might be one of them as she sounds like she has trouble reading social cues? Why would you be friends with her on Facebook if you weren't interested in a frienship with her? She is likely confused by the mixed messages you've sent her. And what are you going to tell your Pastor? I don't want to be her friend anymore and all I want to be able to do is ignore her? I'd hope your Pastor would have something to say about that. Personally, I feel bad for her and I hope I treat people better than that.

I have to agree with Momtoo...I have been in a similar situation, and it can be uncomfortable, but honestly, she does sound lonely & maybe a little insecure, but not like a "stalker". I agree that you should apologize and just be cordial without inviting friendship. There is no reason to be overtly rude. You can be firm & honest, but polite.

I understand your frustration. I suggest that she is socially inept which is making you uncomfortable. Sounds like she was trying to make friends with you in a very awkward way. She may be autistic or have Asperger's.

I wonder if you yelled at her using strong language because she frightens you. And/or because you feel that she wants more from you than you're willing to give. Sounds like she comes across as needy.

I suggest that you talk to a third person about why she might be doing this and why it upsets you so. You mention the pastor. That would be good. Get another view point on her.

I also suggest that you need to find a way to find peace with her since your children are in the same school. I would definitely apologize for my anger, as Momto M suggests. I would also tell her that you're not interested in being friends. This is a boundary issue and she wasn't picking up on your boundaries. One reason I suspect she's and the autism spectrum. You probably need to be more clear and definite about what you can and cannot do. Momto M gave you some good words to use.

You could start by trying to smile at her when you run into her. If she wants to talk, take the opportunity to apologize. Or call or e-mail an apology first but then follow it up with a smile. Ignoring her won't help the situation. Sounds like she feels hurt which will make the times you're in the same room as awkward as they were before.

You certainly do not have to socialize with her. You just have to be clear that you don't want to do any more than smile while passing. YOu could say something like I would like for us to just be casual friends and see each other only when we meet in the course of our day.

If she goes to the same church as you it might help for you to talk with the pastor and then the two of you talk with him.

Later: Perhaps the school has a counselor on staff that could help you know how to talk with her. Autism is common and most school districts have specialists that deal with this.

It sounds like she is just a mom trying to make friends and now she is a mom worried that her messing up/confrontation with you will hurt her child. I would just be polite and let it go.

Sure, you could have handled it differently, and you should apologize. She probably doesn't realize that her persistent behavior is offsetting to you and possibly others. She probably thinks she has a lot in common with you, and just wants to make a friend. Just let her know how you feel in a polite and firm way.
I wouldn't bother talking to the pastor about it .What is he/she going to do? She hasn't threatened you- you just get a little creeped out. Essentially, it's your problem.

Unfortunately I agree with the others in that you did it to yourself. When she first sent too many emails and invited you, at that time I would have just said no thank you , you werent available or interested. She is probably very lonely and has very little friends and socially does not know the cues. Many don't. When you saw her at the door, smiled and said hi I'd have said Hi then said I'm sorry I have to go my son is late and I want some time with him. Again all honest and upfront. She seems to be looking to make a connection with someone probably for herself and her son and just doesnt know how to do it the right way. But lets fix the situation. Just grab one of her hundreds of emails you have right now and send her one appology for loosing your cool but state clearly that you felt uncomfortable because she felt very needy and stalking by always contacting you . Say your not interest. Though honestly if you had said no the first time she probably would have left it alone.

I dont think she was being a crazy stalker mom. I think she sounds lonely and we have all been at the point in our mom adult lives where we dont have as many fun friends anymore. I think she was excited about having a new mom friend and found ways to try to connect with you. She might have come on too strong and too quick for you, but maybe thats because she has no one else?? You are upset understandably about her invading your 1st day of preschool send off with your child, this is a social thing she seemed to lapse on which is why I also feel she just doesnt have the social connections she should have as an adult. I have empathy for her and you.. I would just email her saying you are sorry you responded the way you did, but say you would like some space.
Hard situation momma! Hurting feelings is not fun but you dont want to be in a situation you dont want to be in either. GL. update us after please.

I think you were pretty rude to her and owe her an apology. How would you feel if people ignored your phone calls or emails? Would that make you wonder if they got them?

She might be socially inept, but it doesn't sound like she's stalking you - sounds like she looked up to you. Maybe she saw how wonderful your child is and attributed that partially to the preschool.

Really, it's fine that you don't want to be her friend, and I think she gets it now. I do think you need to talk to your pastor about it. You're going to run into her and you need the tools to learn how to communicate effectively.

Okay so the other mom may be a little aggressive....but after reading the post, I can say that there were errors made on both sides of the fence. Next time you see her I would likely apologize for your behavior on the phone, chalk it up to a bad day. Tell her to go ahead and use the certificate...tell her you don't want to schedule anything now. Then leave it at that. Smile politely at her when you see her at drop off and pick up, etc. No need to engage her but also no need to be rude. If she engages you just politely smile and say you can't talk now.

Talkstotrees and Momtoo M. said it best!!

It seems to me you could have responded in a straight forward, honest, and polite manner from the start. Even if you had to reiterate yourself to her several times, then so be it. Sometimes people have different ways of interpreting social cues. She probably genuinely meant well in all of this.

Ignoring her and then lashing out in such a volatile manner does not help matters and only serves to be hurtful. And, I understand her concerns about your possibly projecting your anger onto either one of the kids. To her, you likely came across as mean and unstable. Everyone handles things inappropriately every now and then, so I'm not chastising you. I certainly have. I'm just pointing out why she might now feel concerned about negative energy being projected into her child's school environment, as you are concerned about run-ins with her at the school, as well.

It my opinion, you have injected a lot of unnecessary drama into the situation. Even the title of your post screams "drama!" Please consider apologizing to her and hopefully you can two can remain cordial with one another going forward.

I would let it go. You want to be left alone? Leave her alone. If she persists or badmouths you in the congregation, then you bring it up to the pastor.

What happened at preschool is a culmination, IMO, of her persistent behavior. One lesson to learn from this is to shut people down when you don't want to be friends with them. You don't need to be rude, but a firm and consistent, "I'm not interested" about the clothes might have gotten your point across, for example. Or not replying to all the emails or not replying in a timely manner or being honest that you weren't interested. Just last night someone on our committee volunteered herself and another woman said, "You need to learn "no"." Many times we get sucked in because we don't know how to say no.

My friend's wife immediately velcroed herself to all his friends when they started dating, like she inherited everyone he knew. My DH and I had to get her to back off, especially when her behavior started turning to the kids. "No, thank you" goes a long way when you use it over and over and over and don't make attempts to go forward.

Not having spoken to her and not seeing the emails, etc. I can't tell what her behavior was *exactly*. From dealing with friend's wife, I know it can be really subtle and what bugs the snot out of you might not bug someone else so much. So I'm going to say it's a little of both here. If you want to smooth things over at all, then sure say an apology. Might make the drop offs a little easier. But if you don't want to smooth things over, at least be civil for the kids' sakes. Treat her like a business contact - someone you would only speak to if the project required it, but would not email or call outside of work or have on your FB list.

I can understand her making you feel uncomfortable and needing to set a boundary but oops wow that was a rude response. She definitely deserved a different response and a polite one. You have every right to discontinue the connection with her and go about your business...but I get it we all lose our cool from time to time. Apologize and then move on.

She sounds very needy & clingy, very insecure, and possibly desperate for friends.

That being said, you could let her down in a nice way, and not bottle it up & then proceed to be rude to her.

EDIT: Disregard "Bug" - You are not the crazy one here. Don't believe what she said for a second. She clearly doesn't get it. That comment really annoyed me. And the other's that say you were being rude. SERIOUSLY! That nutjob threw out the rude card first. As mother's we deal with a lot and yes our fuse may be thin. It comes with the territory. Guess what you're human. The last thing we want to deal with is someone not letting us in for us to get our child to school, making a snide comment afterwards that you ignored (as you should have), then calling to leave a message? Not to mention all that other stuff. You reacted perfectly fine. She's crazy. Not you. You tried to be nice. Nice doesn't work for some people like that. Screaming like a banshee does though. Let her think you're rude. If that's the only thing that makes her leave you alone then so be it. Life goes on. People that don't get it don't live in your shoes and lay their head on your pillow at night. END EDIT.

That is really crazy and scary. I would say be nice to her and just keep it at an acquaintance level. BUT I don't think she will process that. Sounds like she has an obsessive compulsive disorder and you're her focus at the moment. I've dealt with people like that before. After a bit they will tend to find another focus. Hopefully that will happen in your case.

When you see her just ignore her as you've been doing. You can't control how she feels about that. That is not your concern. She sounds very controlling. People like that are a nightmare to deal with. She wants your attention, and she wants it now. She disregards anything that does not allow that. That's very selfish and very disprectful and definitely not the qualities of a friend. She's emotionally draining. She does not know how to foster a normal relationship. She may have really wanted to have been friends but she's too pushy and no one wants to be around that. I am sure if you looked into her past she has a history of pushing people away. At any rate you can block her emails so they go straight to spam or are deleted before they even get to you.

Let us know how it goes ((((((( Hugs )))))) and hang in there mama.

Exactly what Talkstotrees said . . .

If you want to go out on a limb, I would ask her if we could just "start over." I.e., something like "look, I'm sorry our interactions took a bad turn, and I'd like to apologize. I don't have alot of time for new friendships right now, but I hope we can be pleasant when we see each other."

The whole thing sounds like some mis-fires in communication. It's possible that you are right, too, but it's hard to tell from your post.

I think she thinks you are the 'popular' kid and is trying to be friends, but trying too hard. She may see more to your connection than you do. I've had a few of those and its a hard pill to swallow when you want to be better friends to someone then they want to be to you.

As for how to handle preschool, just go about your regular routine. Its all you can do. If you change something, then your son may sense that something is wrong and the kids will start having issues.

okay, seems like i am in the extreme minority here. I would probably have done the same thing. yeah, yelling at her probably wasnt nice, but her acting like she did and not listening to you when you were on vacation and the massive ammounts of emails obviously was enough to push you over the edge. as far as her saying you said unchristian things to her, we ALL say unchristian things to people all the time, if she wants to get really technical it is unchristian of her to judge you for what you said. anyway, I would stay as far away from her as possible. she needs help.

Yep... talkstotrees said it perfectly

Wow, this is a tought one. The way you describe the Mom, she really seems to be very assertive. I completely understand your position. I would be very irritated if someone took time from me and my child like she did at a very important time, so no wonder you exploded. Granted, maybe she's lonely and needs friends. Who knows after all what is going on in her life, as you say you know her only in passing. It is obvious this "relationship" is not working out for you. And you need your best self for Mom duties and to raise your family. Perhaps you deal with her professionally and without much emotion and she moves on? You could also talk to your pastor for more insight and to re-gain balance.

She's either trying too hard to make friends, or she's a nut case. Make sure you carry your cell phone with you at all times, and make sure you have something to protect yourself with if the need arises.
Be civil and firm if she approaches you. If she starts with you, in my opinion I would get in touch with her husband. If he's not in the picture definitely report this to the police.
Let us know what happens. Good luck

I don't hand out my email address to most people.
I think she has some social boundary issues.
She clung on to you like fly paper fairly quickly and you didn't know how to deal with it and then blew up when it became too much.
There are levels of familiarity and it's perfectly fine to set boundaries and want to be on a polite-but-distant level with this person.
If she persists in trying to pester you, just explain you do not feel your personalities match up well and the most contact you want with her is an occasional "Hi" if you see each other and not even close enough to exchange Christmas cards with.
No phone calls, no selling each others stuff, no emailing, no groupon mani-pedi-cures, etc.
If she wants to feel insulted and ignore you., that's fine, too.
You have nothing against her, she's a fine person and you wish her no ill - you feel you two just don't mesh well and she needs to leave it at that.

Funny..I had a girl like this once "stalk" me and when I started avoiding her the emails came like wildfire..I still fear running into her at social functions! If she approaches you again I would be very blunt and say, " I am sorry, I just don't have time to talk" and walk away. I also pondered...if this was your child at school with a kid, how would you tell them to proceed? Being that I have little ones I have not had to deal with this but fear the upcoming confrontations!! no one likes them but they exist..good luck and trust your gut!!

This behavior certainly sounds obsessive to me. I would suggest keeping a copy of all emails she has (and possibly will) send you, documenting dates and frequency; as well as documenting the gist of all personal contacts. Should this behavior escalate into stalkerish events, call the police, and possibly seek a restraining order against her (applying to your house and workplace, if applicable). As for the preschool, you can't dictate where she enrolls her child, but I would suggest enlisting the director's help in minimizing or preventing her from approaching you for any matters not directly related to her child or yours.
Hope this helps.

I have had an incident of a friend who I used to be close with make me constantly feel uncomfortable and uneasy whenever she was around. Though it has caused a high school quantity of drama amongst mutual friends and her, I have distanced myself from her. I think you did exactly the right thing by telling her how she makes you feel. She is clearly desperate for friendship and therefore is pushy. Maybe no one has told her how she makes them feel before. Some people have poor boundaries and no social etiquette. How dare she manipulate the situation of your pre-schooler's first day. Sounds like a whacko to me. I am sure you will see her often at school but be cordial and try to ignore her. She'll find someone else to bug (hopefully) soon enough. Do not feel bad for your actions!!!

I would say try to distance yourself from her but that's hard to do since you'll be running into her at preschool pick-up and drop-off's. If you don't want to be friends with her, that's fine but just be polite and friendly...that's better then completely ignoring her which could send a mixed message in her mind. For emails, I would respond with "sorry not available" and leave it at that. To clear the air, you could just apologize for yelling at her and then make up some excuse as to why you have to leave quickly. She should get the message that you're not interested in friendship.