My daughter (4) has a cousin (6) who is regularly very rude to her. For example, last night we were playing at grandma's house when she pushed my daughter on the forehead and said "You're not playing with us!". (We had more cousins visiting for the weekend, but this behavior is not exclusive to when more cousins are around.) My daughter, who is generally kind and forgiving, walked away with her head hanging and sat down, visibly upset.
If this was some random kid at a playground, I would have told her to avoid that child and play with the other kids, but this cousin lives in town and we see her a few times a month. We have talked to her parents about the problem, but that hasn't helped. On top of that, they typically ignore their kids at family get-togethers, regardless of their behavior, and they have asked us not to say anything to their kids if they act up. Instead, we are to come to the parents and have them handle it, which they don't.
So now what? How can we help our little girl with her cousin bully? I know that she will be subject to this kind of stuff at school, and this may be good to help her with that, but this is family, for heaven's sake. It should be a safe-haven for her. What would you do?
Thank you everyone. It's nice to not feel like the bad guy for wishing for more discipline. I'm trying to avoid bad blood, because my family is important to me. Correcting other people's kids is tricky business, and I understand the sensitivities, but if the situation were reversed I would hope the responsible adult nearby would step in. Now if I could just get someone else to be the responsible one every once in a while... :)
I would inform the parents in no uncertain terms that if they don't handle it you will, and if they don't like that you handled it then they need to start. Every time without exception.
Oh man, I hate this type of behavior. If the parents aren't correcting their kid, you need to say something. Try a simple "Jane, is that a nice thing to say to Emma? How would you feel?" rather than scolding, so the parents can't be mad that you are "correcting" their kid. Or just don't get the kids together if the parents won't handle it.
I have a friend whose 7 year old watns to ignore my daughter when older kids are around (otherwise they are the best of pals). My friend is very vigilant about warning her and insisting that they include my daughter. After reading this, I appreciate her more than ever!
The girl's parents have asked you to tell them when there is a behavior problem. If the girl were my niece, I would say to her, when she behaves this way, "I am supposed to let your parents handle this sort of thing. Come with me right now so they can handle it." Then I would take her by the hand and walk her over to her parents... *every single time.* This will be inconvenient for you, but after several times somebody will get the idea, I'm not sure who it will be.
Families are not safe havens, by the way. An extended family is usually a microcosm of what children will find in the rest of the world. They get to practice on each other, so to speak (yikes!).
It is reasonable to expect the parents to parent but if they don't know she's doing something wrong (because they aren't right there or they choose not to see) then you have to tell them so they have a chance to address it. If they don't address it, you have to speak up.
Since it is family, if their parents aren't aren't right there, I don't see a problem with saying something like "That's not nice. We aren't mean to others?" or "Stop being mean". If there parents are right there and they aren't speaking up, then go to them EVERY single time and state "Suzy is being mean again. Would you like to handle it or should I?"
If her meanness is jeoparidizing another child's physical safety, you have every right to speak up (as should the child she is hurting). Your daughter should have said "Suzy, don't touch me like that." You should teach her to speak up like that and to seek a responsible adult if it continues (family or not). If her parents aren't speaking up, you should be "Suzy, we don't hit, push...whatever. Please keep your hands to yourself". If it continues, tell her parents "Suzy was hitting again, so I asked her to keep her hands to herself".
Sounds like in this case, you may need to have a talk with the parents when it isn't happening and explain that while you respect their right to be the one to address their child's behavior and you love your niece, you have seen your daughter being on the receiving end of her meanness and even to the point of being physical. Basically, put them on notice that going forward, if they are not paying attention and address the issue, you will...just as you would your own if she were doing the same.
Ditto Mary L.
They don't want you to do anything? Fine. Bring their daughter to them EACH and EVERY SINGLE TIME.
"C'mon Susie, we need to tell your mom what happened."
"Betty, SusieQ has something she wants to tell you, about pushing /hitting Veronica in the head and not letting her play with the others."
I'd watch them play and I'd speak up when I saw something. I've had this happen and I just stick around and watch. Either the kids behave because I'm right there and there isn't an issue or I can speak up and nip the behavior in the bud. Or I keep my kids with me. If it were a school issue, obviously you couldn't be right there but if you can, I'd do it in a heart beat. It really does help. Good luck!
You have to advocate for your child. Next time you see the cousin do something nasty say, 'Sarah, please do not treat June like that. I will be telling your parents.'. Also, you could teach your child to fight back when she's treated badly. I would.
I would talk to grandma. It's her house. She should step in and say to the bully child, we all play together at grandma's house. We treat each other with nicely etc. I'm a grandma and if any of the grandkids or my kids are mean or say mean things the offender is asked to go home or not to come over. Play nice children and mind your manners, this is my house---my house my rules.
If that doesn't work speak up to the child. Tell the parents to step in and control their child or you will. I grew up with bully cousins and aunts and uncles and my parents did nothing. It took years for me to understand that their defination of me was not who I am. Put an end to it.
I have a large extended family (husband's side) that gets together often and there are over twenty two cousins, now age 5 to adult.
None of us has ever had a problem disciplining each others' kids. By that I don't mean time outs or spankings, I just mean saying, hey Jenny that's not nice, knock it off and let your little cousin play with you guys.
Of course, this is also a great time for the younger kids to learn how to stand up for themselves. Family is where it starts, encourage your daughter now, and yes, she will be more confident on the playground and at school.
Stop getting the cousins together. Tell mom and dad that you'd be happy to get together sans children, but that you feel that the girls do not play well together and it's becoming too much of a problem for you.
If I saw that - I'd immediately stand up and yell at that girl saying - "You do NOT treat my child or any child in that manner, You apologize RIGHT NOW and then you go to your parents and tell them what you just did or I will!"
I don't care what the parents said... by this point, I would have given the cousin one harsh "If you can't be nice and play with everyone... then you need to go sit with your parents". If that didn't change her attitude... then I'd step up the discipline to "You need to go away and think until you can be nice to everyone".
We have the same problem, BUT I'm allowed to correct them. I can't believe they asked you not to correct them, WTH?! Especially because they let them run amok at gatherings! You should have your daughter correct them instead...tell her what to do and say and watch with a close eye so they see you with a look of disapproval.
Hello,
I would approach the parents one more time with the problem & if they don't do anything about it, then I would then discipline the child myself. The child of course is going to go tell the parents, this may wake them up to the problem.
If this problem continues, then do to the child yourself as that child has done to your child. In other words give that child a taste of their own medicine.
I had that with my daughter & my sisters daughter. My sisters daughter is just 1 year older & she told my daughter she wasn't invited to go shopping with her & one of their older female cousins. I stepped in & told her she was wrong & the older cousin informed her also that she was wrong.
Now that they are in their 20's they are like best buds.
Good luck,
C.
I'm a little late, but I was going to say exactly what Andra C. said. Tell them that you have respected their right to handle it as they asked to, but they are NOT, and if they don't, you WILL. It's their choice....they can either step up and take care of it as they asked to do, OR they can let you deal with it. Either way, it's going to be dealt with and not ignored because that won't help your daughter OR the bully.
We had a similar problem but our hands were tied for different reasons. No matter when the cousin did our child had the problem. If the cousin outright bullied my daughter was weak. If the cousin took something away my daughter should share. I was so glad when I divorced him because my older daughter took over and outright put them in their place. Then it was her dad that didn't control the older daughter but the two girls got to have fun. :)
To give you an idea of the dynamic my older daughter is 21 the younger one is 10 and the cousin is 12. There were times where the cousin would go up to older daughter wanting to do big girl things. My older one would say maybe when you grow up and then do whatever the cousin asked with her little sister. :)
If the parents are not handling it, then you, as the child's aunt and your daughter's parent have a responsibility to step in to fill the void. Since your daughter is just 4, she is still young enough for you to fight her battles for her with older kids. I had a similar situation to this at our family reunion this summer. My daughter is 3, and is the youngest of the granddaughters, the other granddaughters are 5, 8, and 12. It (of course) was the 5 year old who was being rude and saying that my daughter couldn't play with them. Now, my sister has no problem with me disciplining her kids, so I do have that in my favor on this one. When my dear girl walked away sad after a "you're too small to play with us" comment and came and told me, we walked right back and said "dear cousin, dear daughter is NOT too small to play with you. If she is too small to play with you, then you are too small to play with dear cousin #1 and dear cousin #2. Our time together as a family is to play and enjoy each other. You need to apologize to dear daughter and then include her with what you are playing."
You are right -- family should be a safe haven. However, family is one of the places where we also feel free to be our worst. Even if her parents were correcting the behavior, it is your right as a parent, and her aunt, to step up and teach good behavior. Since they have asked you not to say anything to their kids when they act up, you might need to go to them and say something like "Sister (or SIL), I know that you don't like it if we correct your children or say anything to them about their behavior. That is fine as long as you will do something about the behavior when we bring it up to you. However, I have noticed, over a long period of time, that nothing is done if we bring it up to you and that you generally ignore your children when we are together as a family. Since that is the case, when the behavior of your children impacts one of my children, then as my child's parent and your child's aunt, I will say something to them."
But, that's just me and I'm pretty straightforward and blunt about things like that. And, I also take a very involved interest in my nieces and nephews. This is a tricky subject, so I wish you good luck in handling it!
