Couples Therapy

Updated on October 11, 2010
J.W. asks from Los Angeles, CA
4 answers

I'm wondering if someone can give me a recommendation for a couples therapist in the LA area... or maybe at least some advice? My husband and I have been fighting like crazy.When I became pregnant with my daughter, she was a surprise, he didn't want to keep her, and it was the most stressful time of my life. He told me it was up to me, but he made it clear that he didn't want her. Obviously she is still here (and he loves her so much just for clarification). Cut to four months after she was born, and we found out that I was pregnant with my son, it was the same argument over again, maybe even worse (and my son is six months now... my husband might even enjoy infancy with my son more than with my daughter). HOWEVER, he makes comments "Can't we drop these kids off somewhere", "i cant stand these kids" or if they're whining "shut the f*** up!" etc. I have bent over backwards trying to allow him to continue with his freedom as much as possible (for example, take care of them while he goes to the gym in the morning, drive them to the sitter on my way to work and pick them up on my way back, put them to bed while he's in class at night, watch them over the weekend while he studies for school) (we are in a sticky situation where he just got laid off--meanwhile he is in backgrounds for the la county fire dept and everything seems to be at a halt due to the budget- our small business just crumbled due to an amendment by the department of education, obviously our financial situation is extremely touchy). Its probably my fault, but I am up throughout the night with our youngest son (he is teething) and then the kids are up at 7ish, all while my husband sleep in until 9?? And then leaves for the gym? Then I get mad at him for not even offering to take the kids in the morning to let me sleep in an hour or two (since I'm the one up with my son all night). Obviously, I am to blame for letting him have so much freedom, but I have verbalized my frustrations at my breaking point (I'm very laid back) and there's no confusion on my thoughts on this. HOWEVER, there IS a part of me that feels guilty that since I am the one who wanted to keep the kids, then I should be taking the responsibility of watching them and not get upset when he makes remarks, etc. HELP! Feel free to lay it on me thick.... I need the help. OH! AND we don't have sex. He is too scared to get a vasectomy. I am too scared to get pregnant again and, if it happened, deal wtih the emotional turmoil that I endured during my first two pregnancies. To the point I really don't want to have sex anymore (but I WANT to want to ahve sex? Am i crazy?)

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More Answers

H.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

Get a copper IUD in place ASAP...it is simple and you cant get pregnant for 10 years, unless you have it removed.

Second, it takes TWO to make a baby...he needs to grow up and deal with it. You need to tell him how to feel and ask him to help you with the kids. You need to tell him that it is not right that he gets to sleep in, then go to the gym and shirk his parenting duties. Stick up for yourself (you are teaching your kids that is it OK for you to be treated like a second class citizen). and it is NOT OK for him to say curse words to or in front of the kids. NOT OK. If he didnt want kids he should have used protection or he should have had a vasectomy...too late now.

I dont envy you. Stick up for yourself and show personal integrity... you deserve to be treated like the mother of his children not an unpaid nanny with sex benefits.

Good luck to you

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C.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi J.:

Kids are a lot of work, and you need a break from time to time! I understand what it's like when your husband isn't supportive enough and you feel both physically and emotionally drained. Maybe it sounds cynical, but I really think that moms need to find help whereever they can instead of counting on the husbands. Family, friends, etc. A babysitter for a couple of hours here and there would do wonders if you can find one within your budget limit. If your husband complains about the extra spending, calmly explain that some help for your is essential to keep you sane and healthy so you can take care of the whole family. As my kids got a little older, I find myself using the kids club at the gym more and more - mine has a very reasonable rate. Does your husband work out at a gym where he could possible drop off the kids a couple of times a week so you could get some extra sleep in? If not, is it possible for him to go to a different gym that has a good childcare facility? It's a win-win since he doesn't need to watch the kids and you get some time off. The health club I go to even has a low-cost program for dropping off the kids while you are not working out! So my point is be creative and find other ways to get over this hump and give yourself a break. I hope you can find the couple therapy from other advices.. but whether your husband changes or not, you need to find a way to take care of yourself and get a break.. Best of luck!

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W.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi J.,

Sounds like your marriage is a lot of work. A good book to read is Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.

Good luck,
Wendy

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K.I.

answers from Los Angeles on

I think you need to let your husband know that you need more help from him. It doesn't matter who "wanted" them more, the responsibility for raising them belongs to BOTH of you. You are doing yourself a disservice by taking on everything. You'll be a better parent and person in general when you have some sort of a break. You need that time to re-group and breathe.

The other thing is, why don't you just use birth control? I'm sure you know there are several kinds available. Talk to your gyn about your choices and figure out which one will work best for you and then use it.

I wish you and your family the best.

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