I Want to Have Fun, Have Help, Make Love and Not Just Sex....

This sounds very hard! And it also rings true -- even if my life's details are very, very different, i feel like i have felt the same as you do sometimes. And i know a lot more moms who report this: feeling like sex is just another chore, feeling like your husband is just one more person that you have to take care of, feeling like nobody sees you, reaches out to you, strechtes out to you to really meet you, know you, see you and love you (and possibly, if all agree, make love).

The answer that i keep coming back to (after hurtful days of wishing it otherwise) is that it is myself who has to find myself important, worthy of attention, love and freedom. That is the first step. Then often, a lot of things change, because the family system is changed by your more loving self-care.

But also you should be open and honest to share your frustrations, as well as your longing and love with your partner. What you wrote about seemed so hurtful to me! It seems he cannot be fully aware of you, his own feelings, the essence of life right now. Maybe he is sort of on "auto-pilot".... An open and honest talk will be possible in an atmosphere of non-judgement and respect. If this atmosphere is hard to come by at the moment, a counselor may help, even in just a few sittings, to get you and your husband on the right track again. Your love sounds so strong, so maybe all it needs is a little push back on the path you were on before, and you'll be a great team again.

I hope this will come true! Good luck!
D.

First of all, please acknowledge yourself for all you are doing.
You have some tremendous burdens and are working hard to keep your home functioning well and your daughter's health improving.

I'm guessing your daughter is seen regularly . . .
by a visiting nurse? by regular MD appointments?
Please ask them about a support group for moms in your situation.

Also, see if you can get some help in the home.
Some of your valuable time and energy should be spent on you,
not on maintenance of your home's neatness.

Next, it would probably be helpful if you and your husband
can get some counseling . . . both in regards to your daughter's health challenges and in learning better ways to communicate and be supportive of one another. I'm imagining that at least part of his behavior toward you may be due to his sadness/disappointment about your daughter's health challenges.

Thank you for sharing your situation with us.
I hope you're able to get some help, guidance, encouragement
from the moms here and, especially, from some supportive resources
closer to home.

I am an Independent Passion Consultant with Passion Parties and with the exception of the feeding tube part, I hear this from new moms and even people who have been in long term relationships all the time. Your libido will ebb away over time that you are not sexually active. The hormones that keep you sexually stimulated are not being released anymore. =(

It's possible you may want to consultant your GYN Dr....but here's what I have found that works for most women.

TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF! Go out with the girlfriends, have a mani/pedi every two-three weeks, get a salon haircut, window shop, whatever.....just spend sometime that is especially for you. You DESERVE it. =D

Now that you feel better after some you time, you are usually more in the mood for "us" time with your husband. Start by touching him as you pass by each other, full body hug him before he leaves for work, be waiting for him with a smile when he gets home (even if you had a horrendous day.....maybe he did too!). Tell him why you love him in person, text message, or randomly call and leave a message on his voicemail. When he's gone, think about what you want him and you to do later that night with as much detail as possible.

All of this is foreplay, a necessary component for women to be ready to have intercourse with their partner. It starts from the moment you wake up to the moment you begin intercourse. If you never think about sex, how will you ever be in the mood for sex? We get what we think about...

Don't be afraid to have fun, change things up and add a little adventure once you have initiated sex. Which sounds like you want to anyway. Take charge of what you want.

As for the anniversary stuff. Talk to him about it. Communication is so important and it with how you wrote it out, it seems like you two are not talking about it. When talking to him, try not to put him on the defensive and place blame....just air out your feelings and see if you two can work something out. Couples therapy can help this along too.

Hello Dear,

as i went through ur Letter, i felt as if someone is writing my everday life....i have a daughter who will be 5 this Decemeber....n im going through excatly the same as u since past 4 yrs...havent found an answer till yet ....but wat i have done is to get busy with my own life .....n worst of all im living in Germany ..away from my parents, freinds n Family....i always needed my husbands help to learn the language, culture n a totally new environment but somehow i was always left on my own...i struggled with a new born baby till now... but totay im totally new woman...more mature n more indepedent n a bit hard...sometimes i do miss the aspect of life which every woman has the rite to enjoy but i just cant force my husband to be that .....sometimes u just cant make other realise their mistakes....my advice is taht get one with your own life like cariier, something taht gives u a feeling of acheivement...n stop expecting things from others even wen its your own husband....i tried 3 yrs of my life convincing my husband but till today he hasnt got my point ....i just cant leave him bcaz my daughter adores him n i dont want her to be a football btw me n my husband.....

Updated

Hello Dear,

as i went through ur Letter, i felt as if someone is writing my everday life....i have a daughter who will be 5 this Decemeber....n im going through excatly the same as u since past 4 yrs...havent found an answer till yet ....but wat i have done is to get busy with my own life .....n worst of all im living in Germany ..away from my parents, freinds n Family....i always needed my husbands help to learn the language, culture n a totally new environment but somehow i was always left on my own...i struggled with a new born baby till now... but totay im totally new woman...more mature n more indepedent n a bit hard...sometimes i do miss the aspect of life which every woman has the rite to enjoy but i just cant force my husband to be that .....sometimes u just cant make other realise their mistakes....my advice is taht get one with your own life like cariier, something taht gives u a feeling of acheivement...n stop expecting things from others even wen its your own husband....i tried 3 yrs of my life convincing my husband but till today he hasnt got my point ....i just cant leave him bcaz my daughter adores him n i dont want her to be a football btw me n my husband.....

Updated

........

The title of your post gives you a great start. How about changing it a little? You NEED to have fun (with husband and with girlfriends and by yourself too), you need help around the house, and with your daughter, and you NEED genuine connection with your husband so you two can make love, not just have sex. Keep your needs clear and communicate them clearly to your husband. I highly recommend some therapy to get you two back on track. It's really worth it to save your marriage.
That said, I'm really sorry your anniversary was a bummer. That must have been such a hard day for you. And I'm sorry you feel so lonely. Motherhood can be extremely lonely and isolating. Focus on fixing this for yourself and things will get better soon.
Hang in there and give yourself a big hug. And thank you for sharing what's going on in your head!

Becoming parents can really change things. Your husband may feel he is now second fiddle.
YOU, on the other hand, need some ME time. Everyone does.
Leave the baby with your hubby some Saturday and just GET OUT--have coffee, see a movie, walk through the park, a mall--anything!
This will feel like a week in the Bahamas to you.
Do it every week.
Everyone needs a break from mom/wife responsibilities--the more often--the better!

Love is like a pie. You need some, she needs some, he needs some. Love is solution. You can do your best to do all that is right by you, but I love to throw caution to the wind about getting hurt with my husband & "spoiling my children." I have been through some very rough times this year & 09', like praying on my knees or the floor xtimes. I went through some heavy transformations & I am here now, happy. I can feel something in your question that reminds me about how it was so short ago & I am sending you love & the best cyber hug I can!

Ask him to help you. You can explode too! You seem like you need too(?) It isn't nice or helpful to call him names but it is okay to ask him to help work on this whole thing with you for you, and you at first, your daughter and the love you both need for each other to work this family at it's best . sometimes I think turning on a toddler movie to have a heart to heart is just fine, because sometimes we need our home to help us through a personal talk & not a planned date night outing, but the times where you need to let him know something big. I pulled my husband into the bathroom & whispered my sobbing yells to him. People say we should "fight" in front of our kids to teach them how to emotional communicate, but "nuh-ehh" sometimes these talks are temporary work being done to uplift a family & I think they should be private.

Ask him for help about what to do to.

The first thing that I did to help my family was to buy prayer candles with nothing on the sides of them. I then wrote words like "love" "happiness" "Romance" "joy" "being a great mother" "having an easy house" "strength in love" & simply prayed to God, to led me to be the person that could foster these things in my family. Everytime I felt down or begun to dwell, I would go light that candle. I also had one for family & friends on another candle (needs replacing soon)..my DH's mom was at the top & she died this summer, we basically let that tradition go for awhile, but I still light my own for my nuclear family only (now they say things like "sell this house" "Homemade Bread making" & much more light hearted things (we got soo much better). We also pray at dinner & all burst out what we are grateful for & when we all think that is all we can think of - we say "Amen."

you can also do more if you aren't the type to have long talks. You can dress up before he gets home & just smile at him over your simple spaghetti (that you made because preparing yourself was the main event!) You can give him a flower. You can put on a song when he first come home & dance & hug him. You can hug him & just close your eyes & think nothing else but little hearts coming out of your chest & into his. I know it is hard when you feel alone, I really do. Pray for strength because sometimes a marriage needs a guiding new mother to help pull him forward. It WILL happen! Just remember that, it will happen. Pray & have faith. Hope, dream. If you get some nasty nightmare daydream or feel like dwelling a whole spell in your head - stop it. My new year's resolution was to only think positive thoughts & do smile therapy & whoa, it works. I had to sometimes rub tears away & blink & try to dig deep to find a "pivot" day dream, the better side, or sometimes just pick up my son or daughter & spin. & sometimes out of the blue my son would say the most metaphorically appropriate things I never could imagine. Or even the best things that would lift me so high. Wait for it - it is coming up very soon for you this year with her!

I think we can all relate to at least parts of your situation. I have a healthy 8 year old and I am still exhausted on many days! I have been going through something of a mid-life crisis the last year or two, feeling angry and resentful at my husband. After going through therapy and reading many books, I've had some insights recently that have really helped me that I want to share with you.

First, the only person who can make you happy is you! You need to make your happiness a top priority, because the old saying is very true, if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. Your baby girl will pick up on your stress and frustration, so please don't feel guilty about doing whatever you need to do to lighten your stress and improve your happiness. I can't tell you what this is, only you know what happiness means to you.

Second, your husband wants you to be happy! He has noticed your stress, I'm sure, and being male I guarantee you he wants to fix it. It's what men do. However, he probably has no clue how to fix it. This is probably very frustrating and stressful for him, and may be why he is withdrawing. Share your feelings with him, but assure him that this is your problem to fix, not his. That being said, you need to tell him clearly and specifically what kind of support you need from him.

That brings me to insight #3 and that is that men see the world through a very different lens. We will walk into a messy family room and see all the things that need to be picked up and cleaned. They will walk into the same room and only see the TV and the remote and will step over the pile of laundry to be folded to get to them! Think of it as a physical handicap and don't get angry about it -- they literally don't see it much of the time! You need to tell them what you need.

I have read a ton of really helpful books, but the two I would most recommend are Loving What Is, by Byron Katie, and You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

Hang in there! It will take courage on your part to make yourself a priority and to speak up with your spouse and tell him what you need, but both of these will help, I promise!

You are not alone, its common in a marriage for things to change once a baby (especially one with special needs) is brought into the picture. More than likely neither of you are happy and this isn't what either of you expected.
Don't villainize your husband for wanting sex. Sex is a huge part of marriage, especially for the husband. He can see/sense that you don't want him to touch you. How do you think that makes him feel?
If you want to do something for your anniversary, plan it. Don't expect him to. He's obviously not pleased with the way this relationship is going either. He has a wife who is too tired to pay any attention to him and a child with special needs who has taken his place in his wife's life.
You guys need to re-prioritize. Get a sitter, plan a date, then plan to make love to him. Don't just submit to have sex, plan to make love. Men are simple, show them a little affection and they will give you the desires of your heart.

DM, When I read your message the first time I thought what a unappreciative woman then I read it again and thought I'd share with you something that I hope helps ~~since you need to know you are heard... I spent 40 years with my husband before his death. Were they perfect? not by a long shot-- we always said that we fought well, we loved well and we were a partnership and we often had to agree to disagree. Often he would bring me flowers so tat when he forgot a special day or chose to forget it he's have aleady have done enough to make me smile..could your husband be doing things that you are not seeing? 2 of our 5 children are disabled, one is a bleeding disorder,, then my husband had a courageous battle for 16 years of cancer. I know that you are over whelmed and need to just rest your weary mind and body from fears, concerns and feeling like you are the only one on this battlefront. It's not the sex you are craving but the days of past when you could be light hearted and it was simpler and that when you made love you were held. Often I tell my sons and sons in law-- guys get a grip she really just wants to be held and comforted so put the rest in the freezer until you take care of the real need and that is to be a whole team. I am sure he is overwhelmed in his own way with the serious things going on with your child, concerns for his job and money and that he also feels that he'd like a easier dayand time of life. There are people out there that can help, I promise you that. Contact a church see if someone can come and just volunteer time so oyu get a nap-- I know we have several retired nurses that do this for others, find a support group of parents that have the same situation from your doctor or the social worker of your case,they should have several resources that will help. See a therepist for yourself, even a few meetings might help you put things into perspective. Your feelings are real and they are over powering-- I know that for me when I carried the load for all of it Ihad to as my husband was so ill I learned to let go of my pride and was thankful when a neighbor teen came and helped me with the younger children, or did the dishes. I had whole weeks when I didn't have the energy to comb my hair and am sure you are the same. Reach out just like you did to mamasource and keep reaching until ou connect with the help you need. You can call Parents Helping Parents and they will help connect you with others that understand as well. I will pray for you to be strong and continue the battle and win.

You have to talk to your husband and let him know how overwhelmed and exhausted you are AND, more importantly, let him know that you miss the little things, like dancing, or going out just as a couple, or flowers.

You have a LOT on your plate! I had to tell my husband, that if he ever wanted to have sex again, we were going to have to go to bed an hour earlier. It's not that sex takes an hour, but I was SO exhausted that it was not something I was willing to think about otherwise, I would just resent the whole process if I gave in. It is VERY hard to change nighttime routines. We all have our TV shows that we like, and our other ways to wind down, maybe you didn't even have a chance to sit on the couch until 10. Well, instead of sitting on the couch, go to bed, and invite your husband in.

It will be a process to regain the loving relationship you had, start with the sex, that will take his edge off, but you can't leave it at that, you have to tell him that he needs to make an effort toward maintaining the relationship also. You are not just the maid, nanny, concubine, cook, etc. Best wishes.

I feel your pain. When u have so much going on with a new baby, sex does feel like one more chore. I've lrarned that guys need sex to feel close and girls need to feel close to want sec. This becomes a bit of an impass. There needs to be open and honest communication. Husbands feel neglected when a baby comes home. They feel like they will no longer get your attention. Let him know that u need some alone time. There is nothing wrong with that. Even if itz just 10 or 20 minutes to soak in a bath. U have to recharge your battery. Explain this to him. He may not know or realize what you r feeling. Tell him abt the anniversary too. Maybe even have someone watch your daughter for a little bit. Even just an hour or two so you can have un-interrupted time together. What u r feeling is cometely normal.

you're going through a rough time, i'm sorry. you have to remember that men and women communicate "love" in different ways. it may not be that after sex he feels YOU should be happy - most men take sex to mean they are loved and cherished, like we would if we got flowers. so in his mind all is right with the world after you have sex. you have had a huge amount of stress and drama in your life, sounds like. a child with health issues is a gauaranteed sex-drive killer. but two things i think can help - one, have sex with him even if you don't feel like it. buy some lubrication, if you aren't into it it can make all the difference between that painful, fingernails on a chalkboard feel, and tolerable, even a little bit pleasurable. but the extra effort for having sex with him even when you don't feel up to it will make HIM feel special and loved. S., TALK TO HIM. mention how happy he feels when you two finally get to have sex, and let him know that all those little things he doesn't do anymore, is what would make YOU feel that way. let him know you've had a tough time. we all go through these phases. you can get through this. he still loves you. you just have to remember that and both of you go back to making an effort. good luck!

This sounds like a somewhat normal situation. We know that men's sex needs are quite different from women's and they seem to just not be able to 'get' what it takes for us. You need to start communicating with him on what you need, at times when he isn't asking for sex. A good marriage counselor or a weekend marriage conference might help as well.
On another note, I get the impression from your post that he doesn't involve himself much with your daughter. Is it possible that he is having his own emotional issues regarding whatever is wrong requiring the feeding tube? If so, this may be the first area for you to work on with him.
Next time your anniversary comes around, don't wait for him to make plans for the two of you. Instead, think of something that both of you will enjoy, make the necessary arrangements for your daughter's care and surprise him. It might just bring him to a different understanding of your needs, and just the excitement of planning something special for the two of you may be invigorating to you. Make it a total surprise for him if you can. One year, I planned a weekend trip for me and my hubby. Had our clothing all packed and sneaked it into the car while he was resting after work. I told him we were going out for our anniversary and that I had everything planned and ready and that it was a surprise. He, of course, expected we were simply going to a restaurant for dinner. Imagine his suspense as we got on the freeway and headed out for a three hour drive to a motel and resort area to spend the whole weekend. He didn't have a clue where we were going until about 20 minutes from our destination. I know he enjoyed it, but the planning of it all for several weeks in advance was so refreshing and exciting to me that it made me a much more responsive wife.

I def think you need to sit down and talk with him about all of this and a counselor also if needed. It also sounds like you need a night by yourself or with your friends. Do you have someone you can trust to babysit or will your husband do it? Hang in it and talk it out. It will get better. Good luck.

You sound so forlorn. I am sorry you feel so alone. I do know how hard it is to to everything and not have any "me" time. Does your daughter take a nap during the day? If so, take that for your "me" time. Forget the dishes and the vacuuming - it's not going anywhere. Take a couple of hours while she's napping to take a nice luxurious bath or sit outside with a cool glass of tea and read a magazine article. I also understand how sex can feel like just another chore. I have my days when I feel like that too. But I also know that making love or just having sex makes my husband and I closer and I love the feeling of being close to him. My advice to you is to take some "me" time either while your daughter is napping or just after she falls asleep at night. Don't worry so much about the house work and make love to your husband. It doesn't have to last all night or take a huge amount of time, but the closeness will come back with the sex. Sorry to say, I don't personally believe you can feel close to your spouse without the sex. Also, I know that I may be extremely tired when we start, but it energizes me and I feel better afterwards. Just grit your teeth and go for it and you'll probably be glad you did. Perhaps your husband doesn't want to dance with you because dancing with you or watching you dance may make him horny and he knows he's not going to get any.

I have a 6 week old and my husband acts like I have "withheld" sex from him! I remind him that I just had a baby six weeks ago...duh. I imagine that since you are home hubby expects (like mine does) that you should be responsible for ALL things at home. But girl, you need some help! It's not selfish to want a little time for yourself. You deserve it and it will make you a better mommy and wife. Even if you just go to the store by yourself for an hour it would help and get him to realize how exhausting parenting can be. I will literally hand baby to my husband and say "take her for a minute I want to take a quick shower." How can he argue with that?! Men don't get that women want tenderness and LOVE not just the sex. For them, sex is intimacy. Sounds like he might be at a total loss for why you feel the way you do and is resentful that you don't want to have sex. I bet HE feels rejected which is SO aggravating isn't it?!! BUT, they aren't mind readers so find a way to talk to him about how you feel.....without a lot of emotion and tears cuz then he will just tune out. My husband and I realized that I was resenting him for being able to leave the house everyday and he resented me for being home. I always wanted to get out and do something and he just wanted to relax at home. Anyway, sex shouldn't feel like a chore honey. You shouldn't be expected to have it to satisfy him either. Sounds like you two need help dealing with the JOINT responsibility of your special baby.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Trust me, although it seems as if you are alone, you are not. It sounds like you need some well deserved ME time and you need to re-invent yourself. If at all possible, take your daughter to daycare 2 days a week even if it is for 4 hours a day. Take some time to pamper yourself, purchase new underwear, a new haircut, shoes, etc. Hang out by yourself or find some new friends. Stop waiting for your husband to make you happy and enjoy yourself. Take an interest in yourself and when hubby sees that you are into you and not worried about him he will make a change. I 've been down this road before and it worked for me. You will feel better and he will want to be with you...not just sexually. I hope this helps. Good luck I hope things get better.

I completely understand. In regards to being tired as a mom: I relate.
I think all moms out there can relate and even if they do get help from their counterparts it is an unfair split and not exactly equal. So we possibly become resentful and we're tired.
I don't know what the fix is for you because it is different for everyone.
I know you have a lot on your plate and know that you are not alone.
I think you owe it to yourself to try and work on things with your husband but it does take two of you. So hopefully he is a willing partner.
My main motivation is that I do not want to be w/o my child half the time.
So if he's a good man and you two have just gone astray maybe you could be the one to plan something nice for the two of you to enjoy and you get a babysitter for your little one. Even if only for an hour or two this time.
I know what you mean about the sex issue. We're tired and possibly resentful and don't necessary want to do that at the end of the night.
I feel that for men: sex is their way to feel close to their partner.
While for women it might be attention, date nights, daily discussions, shared passions etc.
Do you have a hobby you both like: golf etc? If you do, maybe you could get a family member to watch your baby for an hour while you hit golf balls or go have a nice dinner close by.
I don't like to leave my baby very often but I feel it is necessary in order to connect w/my husband.
Since we haven't been able to do it, I've noticed a decline in "togetherness" and it not only doesn't feel good but it is scary. I want to do everything I can to stay together as a family unit.
Don't despair quite yet, know you are not alone and see if you can be the planner and get an hour in w/your hubby outside of the home.
Try to picksomething you would both enjoy. I used to pick going to movies until I overheard my husband say he hates going to the movies. Good grief!
So I changed that and plan something we can both enjoy the driving range.
And believe me.......lately I haven't wanted to plan anything but I think that is exactly the time to plan some together time to keep the family unit working and together.
Do you get anytime for yourself? Maybe an hour to shop or get a pedicure. Meet a friend for coffee. I understand not wanting to take much time away from your baby but I've finally decided to take a little time for me with a friend once in awhile to get dinner. It's refreshing, funny (laughter really is good medicine) and rejuvenating. And I don't even do that very often. Hang in there. Talk to a friend, plan a date night w/hubby and don't wait for him to do it or expect him to do it, talk to friends to unload a bit and take a little time for yourself. Oh also, I like to read and never get the chance anymore so my new thing: I check out a book from the library and read for a few mins each night. Hang in there!

You and your husband are not talking about what is going on inside. Your feelings are normal and valid, as are his. What's important is that you listen to each other and figure out how to meet each other's needs or help each other meet your own needs.Babies require a lot and are stressful if you have no way to regenerate and give to your self.Especially with a special needs kid. I can understand the way you feel and have felt that way even recently with older kids. But we got to really talking(with the help of an excellent therapist) and now we are in a much better place. It can happen...we have even found love again.
Also read the book Respectful parents Respectful Kids.....I think it will help open up a dialogue if you don't have someone to help you. Mark Collin in Santa Rosa is an excellent therapist.
P..

When will men realize the best foreplay is watching them do dishes? Seriously!

When I was pregnant with our second child, my husband must have been complaining to his friend about things at home. The friend told him to walk in the door, put down the keys and ask me, "what do you want me to do for you?". It made such a difference for him to just offer. I rediscovered my sex drive and we both benefited from the deal.

Has your husband ever had to take care of your daughter on his own for an hour or two to get a little glimpse of how exhausting it can be? When my twins were infants, my husband would watch them by himself for a couple hours on Saturday morning while I went out to do a Costco run, and by the time I returned (feeling refreshed from having had a couple child-free hours - never thought of grocery shopping as "relaxing" until after I had kids LOL), he would look at me with a "I don't see how you can do this all day, every day" look on his face and he doesn't underestimate how physically and emotionally draining it can be to be home all day with little ones.

Also, I got him on board with helping sleep-train our daughters when I told him that until they were sleeping through the night, the ONLY thing I'd want to do in bed was sleep.

My hubby also learned that when he helps out with some household chores, I'm much more likely to be in the mood by the time the kids are asleep (I tell him he should write a book that says something like "Guys, instead of just getting her flowers, try cleaning the bathroom" - he doesn't quite get *why* I think his cleaning the toilets is a turn-on, but he doesn't complain ;-))

Sounds like you are dealing with a lot! Supporting any child can be exhausting when you feel like the only caregiver, and a child with additional health needs or with high emotional needs can be extra tough at times. Having a child can change the dynamics in a relationship, and many report that their spouse expects to be "taken care of" in ways they hadn't before. It is no wonder that you are exhausted. And when you feel this way, it is understandable that sex, which can otherwise be an energizing, connecting, and enlivening experience, can be a real downer. You also sound very alone in it. You don't mention friends or family, therapist, spiritual community or other sources of support.

It is so good that you are reaching out here, and I would recommend finding somebody in your community to connect with, friends, family, therapist, spiritual community, etc so you feel less alone. Can you carve out some "me" time so you have some juice back inside? Can you make some "us" time, getting a babysitter or relatives with the kid, so you can remember what it's like to be a twosome instead of a threesome?--it's ok for you to initiate this if he does not. Have you discussed the childcare agreement/expectations with your husband? Maybe you'd like him to take on a little more responsibility or give you some loving in other ways. If you have not expressed what you want, you can't expect him to know what it is, however obvious it may seem to you...Another idea is speaking to your husband with love and frankness about things between you two: "I want us to connect again, I miss you. What can we do to make things feel more special again now that we have a child who takes so much of our energy?" Finally I would recommend finding a great couples therapist (too many people wait until their marriage is really messed up to get help) to help untangle things with your husband and get you working on the same team again.

Wishing you all the best,
A. Blackman, MFT
www.bodymindbayarea.com

Being a mom is exhausting and I understand how your feeling...been there having had two children just 16 months apart. Women feel closest to their husbands when they feel "heard" and after a long day of children, a nice shoulder rub is all that we really want because it's hard to muster up the energy to be and feel sexy. Men express love through sex. Hugs don't cut it in their world. If they aren't getting sex, they don't feel loved..they feel rejected. My guess is that your husband doesn't think you find him desirable so he stopped trying. In general, people are drawn to that which makes them feel good and repelled by that which makes them feel bad. Husbands will not want to come home to wives that complain and nag on a regular basis (not saying you are) but try and be a bright light in his day and I think you'll find your relationship will blossom.

Here's what I'd recommend: Take an evening class..whether it by yoga, painting, join a book club, writing class, something that allows you to be an individual..not a mom or wife. Trust me, you'll be a much better mom and wife if you do something that doesn't feel like a chore and you'll have something other than the baby to talk about it with your husband.

Next, get a sitter and do something fun with your husband. Don't wait around for him to plan it...you plan it. Dress up so you feel attractive and it will help to put you in the mood.

Mentally prepare yourself for your date night by taking a nap, when your child naps or go to bed earlier the night before so you have energy to actually enjoy sex with your husband. Husbands often feel put on the back shelf because we moms are so focused on the babies. Schedule in sex so you'll both be mentally prepared and he won't feel rejected.

Lastly, put on some nice music while you are doing the usual chores...that sometimes can be a mood lifter. Stay positive, you can do this and you'll both be happier for it. Good luck!

Wow! You sound busy! I remember those first years with my child when I would be so busy, but at the end of the day I couldn't remember a single thing I'd accomplished.

It sounds like you had some pretty clear expectations (hopes) for your anniversary, and they certainly weren't unreasonable. But I wonder if you communicated them to your husband? We'd all love it if our husbands would spontaneously come up with romantic gestures, but once they're married, many forget about how to win over a woman. Perhaps if you said something like, "Our anniversary is Saturday. I don't need anything big, but it would mean the world to me if we could go to a movie or out to dinner that day." If that doesn't appeal to him, ask him if he could come up with an alternate plan. The best results will come if you can try to discuss it without an emotional charge, so you don't become defensive.

Good luck!

I saw a funny mom quote the other day-- "a poke in the back is not foreplay" (it was in a book called "I was a good mom before I had kids"). Seriously, being a mom is HARD and most men don't understand and still want their own needs met. Sometimes I tell my husband that I'm grateful we only had boys so I don't have to watch my child suffer so much in life.
I force my husband to spend some "quality time" with the baby-- afterward he agrees with me that mom's job is the hardest. We love our kids, but going to work and dealing with a boss sounds like a luxury vacation sometimes!
Sex, by the way, is one of those things that you want more of the more you have it-- you might want to try faking it until you make it, so to speak, and see if you start wanting more of it.