Constant Lying

I don't know if this will help -- but can't hurt. Two things: first when I was a child I did constant "white lies" ...just enough of lying to get me out of trouble. I didn't want my parent to yell at me -- so it was a way of skirting around the issue. My parent didn't yell at me and I didn't get in trouble. Problem solved. Because if I told the truth, I would STILL get yelled at. That was the reason I did it. I did this until I realized that it was alot harder to try to remember the lies -- much simpler to tell the truth. And that people are much more forgiving if you simply tell the truth and learn from the mistake. I learned that on my own -- so it could be a phase he is just going thru.

Second: I use to teach Army kids on base -- 4th grade. I found that when they would "lie" it was sometimes also a way to get my attention. The first year I taught most of the parents (mostly Dads) were away on reforger in Germany for the entire year. I found as the year went by without the parent, the more white lies and more clinging to me they got. Wanting the attention and missed affection of the missing parent in the armed forces. I wanted this to change, so I really made it clear my second year of teaching that I wanted the kids to know telling the truth was a good thing. So this is the speech I would give them the FIRST day of classes.

"I want you to always tell me the truth, even if you have done something wrong. I promise you, I will NOT yell at you for telling me the truth...why would I yell at you for telling me the truth? It's if I find out you have lied to me that I will be mad. So always tell the truth."

I found they all took me for my word...and didn't lie to me. Now, I had to really practice what I preached and had to bite my tongue when I questioned a child about what they may have done wrong and they admitted to it. I really had to take a breath and then say calmly "thank you for telling me the truth - even if it meant you were wrong. I really appreciate that. That's a very grown-up thing to do. Now how can we make what you did that was wrong, right again." Then we came up with a plan that they would execute to resolve and make it right again. Make it a positive thing.

In other words, I had to train them to know that the truth mattered. And I had to train myself not to yell at them. So my ultimate suggestion is make the effort to teach him that the truth is the only way to go.

I too have an eight year old--as well as a ten year old--and have been through the lying phases with both.

I would suggest that you try to figure out your son's motives for lying. For instance, sometimes my daughter lied in order not to get in trouble--an obvious motive. But at other times, she lied because it was just easier than telling the truth, which can be complicated, and she was just "over" what happened and doesn't want to think about it anymore. When that was the case, it took days to figure out what really happened.

What I did with her, which was very effective, was to keep her in my sights, or another adult's, at all times. This even meant that she couldn't play outside if I didn't feel like going outside--which, of course, I never did when she wanted to. The answer to the "why not" question was this: "I can't let you go outside because I can't trust you. You lie to me and it's my responsibility to keep you safe and out of trouble."

Limiting my daughter's actions like that made her very frustrated, and, seeing the consequences of her behavior, caused her to stop lying in general.

Reassuring her that I was on her side, no matter what had happened also helped. Especially if punishment was provided at school, I felt no reason to re-punish. Also, once the truth comes out, focusing first on rectifying the situation, such as going with her to apologize or replacing a broken toy, then addressing consequences while everyone is calm worked very well.

Hope this helps!

I am glad to something about older childrem. We are raising our grandson who is six. He has some serious emotional and behavioral issues we are dealing with and Lying is one of them. I have found that I do better when I just tell him I know he is lying. If he continues to stand by the lie, I ignore him. He knows that I know he is lying, and that I am not accepting it, but he also knows I still love him. Arguing with our grandson doesn't work at all, so I am having to change the way I interact with him. Good luck

First thing is children LEARN to lie by being asked questions you already know the answer to and they don't want to answer correctly. Think of why there is a reason to lie and take it away. Don't ask questions you know the answer to. If you see him take candy when he's not supposed to, say "I know you took that piece of candy here is your punishment." that takes away the multi punishments for lieing and taking the candy. Ask him questions he will have no trouble answering correctly and than tell him how happy you are when he tells the truth. That will incurrage him not to lie. If he does lie skip the bull, don't yell and scream about lieing just punish. He knows not to lie you have told him you are just talking when you don't need to. When he doesn't lie about something tell him i know you know that wasn't ok for him to do it if he had lied about it you would have done this as punishment but since he didn't lie this is the punishment and make it something less brutal. That way you are giving him good reason to tell the truth.

I explained to my children that if they lie to me then I can no longer believe them. I will have to take "the other" person's word over theirs. Explain that you get in less trouble when you don't lie and back that up. Explain what the punishment will be if they lie and if they don't.. To check them at school or adult supervised activities without accusing them of lying; I would ask if the teacher would tell me the same story. I would advise that because they have lied in the past you will have to check their story. Trust is a gift and you misused my gift. Now you have to earn it! Good luck this is hard one.

I am very familiar with this issue. My oldest daughter (8) has had troubles with lying as well. I talked to the counselor at school and she explained that there are different types of lies. There are lies to impress, lies to cover up and lies to hurt. I would decipher which type of lie she was telling and then I would simply say "Is this real or in your imagination?". One thing I learned is that she wasn't trying to hurt anyone and that I needed to make sure I helped her realize she was fantastic with out the embellishments! I also was very careful not to make her feel badly about telling lies but consistently reminded her how it makes me and others not trust her and that trust is the most important part of a relationship. It is most likely a phase he is going through and he is probably testing the waters to see what he can get away with!

My nephew is 18 and is STILL like that, but there is a tone in his voice and he looks away when he does it. He mostly does it when bragging. If at all possible try to turn one of his bigger lies into a "reality" to teach him a lesson (You know: like the "boy who cried wolf".

I always tell my kids that once they start lying and get caught at it, the less ANYONE will trust or believe them.

You could try ignorning it, and hope they outgrow it.
Good luck

I had the same problem with my son. If you are religious at all it could help to get him active in the Sunday school for his age children. Maybe the mentors and teachers will help you and him understand the problems that can come from lying and how to react to that sort of behavior. If you are not a God fearing woman, I hope it is something the two of you can lovingly figure out together. That one is a constant struggle that never goes away and they don't grow out of it.

My eight-year-old daughter just recently began to lie. After about 4 days without her brand-new Nintendo DS (a begged for Christmas gift) I asked her why she lied. She said kids her age lie to keep from getting into trouble. When I asked her if that worked for her, she thought about it for a moment and said "No." Then she launched into a long-winded "I'll be honest from now on" speech.
I think children that age are beginning to test the non-tangible boundaries. They've learned (hopefully) by now what physical actions they're not allowed to get away with (hitting, breaking things, running in the house). However, they don't have much experience with mental boundaries (lying, cheating). For example, my daughter knows she is supposed to do her homework right after school, but occasionally she flips on the tv instead. After a while, I remind her and turn the tv off. No punishment, just a warning. But, now she knows if she lies about anything, everything that has a plug in her room will be unplugged, but left for her to look at.
My best suggestion is to take away something that has meaning to your son (priviledge, toy, special outing). Tell him that people who lie are not rewarded with such things. Then, with each subsequent lie, take away something else. Hopefully he will figure out that lying equals loss.
But, make sure that when he's honest, you give a lot of praise and remind him how much nicer things are when he tells the truth. Or, for something he knows carries a certain penalty, lessen it for truthfulness.
I hope this suggestion helps. Good luck!