My Daughter Is Turning into a Liar

This is a great article on lying. The author bases his comments on scientific studies done at a Texas college over several years. It's easy to read (or skim)

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1122...

My daughter did that too, and it was because she was afraid of getting punished. Like Brenna said, people lie either to get something or avoid something. I am going to take a lot of responsibility for this because I was WAY too strict and reactive when she did make a mistake (which kids do).

I changed my reaction to misbehavior so that she didn't feel the need to lie. I also told her that our hearts were joined by many tiny threads, and any lie between us (from her or from M.) could sever those threads, until we were hardly joined at all. I can't remember where I heard that one but she was positively horrified by that...

When our oldest had this issue (she was 7) we found out about the stories from her teacher. She did not lie to us, but was telling stories at school...
SO, come parent teacher meetings we were FLOORED!
We talked to her and asked her who told her that lieing was ok... As a punishment every day we had her copy a bible verse that talks about lieing (before dinner) AND she went to bed by her self as soon as she got done eating dinner. AND she was not allowed to participate in family activities for a week. (We make sure to do fun stuff as a family on weekends. Things like go for ice cream, family game night, movie night, etc so she had to miss out while her siblings had fun.) We told her that if it continued or we heard anything else not true then she would get worse punishments...

For her, this worked.

Do you know what she values? Perhaps a bit of no------------- would help...

Hi M.,

hmmmm. lying at 9 is not developmentally appropriate (usually kids 'learn' about lying around age 5 and are out of it by now) so that tells M. something is going on in her world.

I agree with Toni, some additional info about your situation would be helpful, but here are my general thoughts....

People lie to either get something or avoid something. There isn't any other reason. So, figure out why she's doing it.

- what are your reactions? Do you get really upset and give her lots of attention? She may either
WANT the attention (ie she wants to have you notice her because she is feeling left out so negative attention is better than no attention) or
NOT want the reaction to whatever she lied about (ie you ask her if she cleaned her room. she knows if she says no you will get mad and yell or whatever, so she just says yes to avoid getting in trouble, but then the yes is a lie).

- Is there other stuff going on? How is she doing at school? New baby in the house? did you just get remarried or new boyfriend or going through a divorce? All of these things will impact how a 9 year old processes information and how they make decisions.

- do you provide opportunities for her to tell the truth? Instead of asking "did you take this?" Say "please go get xyz and bring it to M.".

- are you involved with her? Kids who are busy helping mom fix dinner, playing scrabble with mom, doing homework, practicing the piano etc don't have much time to lie.

- do you lie? The only way to teach them that lying and dishonesty is the wrong path is to set an example. Kids either learn that lying is not ok if they are hurt by someone else's lies or they see an example of how NOT to lie. Kids can't teach themselves that lesson.

Just my $0.02

Good Luck,
B.

I don't agree with spanking - it teaches the child that a larger person doesn't have to use words but can use force. At 9, your daughter has plenty of things that she values and cherishes. Take one away for every lie, and make the punishments sequentially more serious. As the previous poster said, explain that the most valuable thing your daughter has is her reputation, and that losing trust is very hard to replace. She will have much more fun and have many more privileges if she earns them with honesty. The short-term gain from lying (like watching TV or going out with a friend because she says her room is clean when it isn't) is totally offset by the long-term loss of a privilege. I would take away her most significant pleasures - TV, computer, whatever. Definitely no play dates or movies, no phone calls with friends. Each successive lie extends the punishment period. Let her know that she can have everything back (once the "grounding" period is over) if she starts telling the truth. If the first punishment is for 2 days, the next one is for 3 or 4 days. Keep track and don't let her manipulate you into giving in. She needs to learn that it is easier and more productive to be truthful. It might help if you figured out WHY she is lying - what is she afraid of? It would be nice if she did things because they were RIGHT, but it's okay if she does them because it's better for her.

Now, if she tells you something that is unpleasant or about something she did wrong, you need to at least compliment her for telling you the truth about it.

What kind of lies is you daughter telling?
Is she your only child?
What are her friends like?

A little more info would be helpful....but when you punish a child, make the punishment fits the offense. In other words, don't be too hard or too easy.

Blessings...

it's not as easy as punish or don't punish. kids lie for different reasons. some of them are testing boundaries, some are doing it from fear ie trying to keep from getting in trouble, some to make themselves appear different to others. it's important to dig and find the underlying reasons for the lying and address that. you want her to understand why it's wrong, not just obey because she's been told to.
khairete
S.

I second Liz's article on lying, and also suggest getting yourself a copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.

If you can optimize the positives of good communication, your daughter will not only respond with better (and more honest) communication, she may be able to determine for herself that lying is not the best way to get her needs met. Learn how to help her identify her authentic needs (and yours), and how to support her in tackling this common family problem. This is a wonderful book that I have seen chance family dynamics for the better in many young families.

My best to you. Being a parent can be pretty unnerving at times.

I'm not sure how you parent, but have you actually sat down and talked to her about lying, not in lecture form? What I'm saying is don't just talk to her about the issue after she has lied. If you are consistently teaching her it might help. (I'm not saying you aren't either, I don't know)

When I was growing up, we had one night a week that we called Family Home Evening. As a family we had lessons on different topics. It was a time for our parents to teach about morals and scriptures. It was every Monday so we were consistently being taught by our parents. You could teach her about lying with an object lesson. One I remember having was how when you lie, you get more and more tied up because you have to be careful about what you told who. Then they used a string or rope. You wrap the rope around her once. Not such a big deal, it's still easy to get out, but the more lies you tell (the more it get's wrapped around), the harder it is to get out of it. Something along those lines.

My husband is always saying that he's surprised when parents don't teach their children to act any different, and then are completely shocked when their kids do something awful. (Again, I am not accusing you of not teaching your child) I also am not saying that it's foolproof. You can teach and teach, but everyone still has their agency. They still get to make their own choices.

Didn't mean to come off as preachy. Hope everything works out!

A.

My mom always told M. to don't lie to her because trust was something nearly impossible to get back. I didn't understand that as a kid but I get it now. Of course there is more then just losing somebody trust, it also can legal consequences.
I have told my daughter that, and at some points she has lie to M. too, I have told her what my mother told M. and in a very bad time (she would continued laying) I gave her a week without trust. I didn't trust anything she did nor said. I didn't let her go with friends because she could do something wrong, she told M. she wouldn't but I didn't believe her (I mean I did but it was part of the week thing), anything, neither dad.
I think she understood, some times she lie to M. again, most of it like saying she clean her room and I found dirty clothes hiding.
I give her 3 punish, one for the clothes and 2 for the lie, she knows if she keeps liying I will lost my trust for her and she still remember what that was like.