Consequences for a 3 Year Old.

We talk a lot about that "sorry" is a promise not to do it again. So repeated "sorry" for the same behavior is not convincing. If someone says "sorry" and does not appear to mean it, we talk about that. For situations where a verbal apology doesn't seem to be sticking, we use "physical apologies". A physical apology might be making a card, or running stairs, or wiping the table, or some other physical action. This requires a little more thought than the reflexive "sorry".

Hope this helps.

I would explain to the child, but I would not punish. I would put everything out of reach and consider a gate on the dining room. Then I would seriously consider firing the babysitter.

At that age, consequences need to be immediate - and really only for deliberate actions. Instead of punishing her by taking a toy away or putting her in timeout (my two favorite consequences), I'd probably just talk to her about how her actions have made you sad and have hurt the dining room table. However, be prepared that she's not going to fully understand. She'll get that she's made mommy unhappy, but isn't quite able to connect the fact that she took sunscreen she wasn't supposed to, ruined a table, and several hours later mom is sad.

Sorry to hear about your table.

I'm 50. I didn't know that sunscreen would damage a table.

My daughter at age 8 took a Sharpie and drew a little picture on a piece of paper. The ink soaked through onto the table. I said "Oops, now we have a cute drawing on our table! Please don't do that again". It isn't that our table wasn't "expensive", but it was not done on purpose, I was right there when she did it, and it was already done! I don't punish for unintentional acts. Also, with kids and pets, I don't choose to own anything new and expensive. There will be time for that later. For now, tables are to be used.

Well, before we decide to assign a consequence, a few things:

Your daughter was not responsible for the sunscreen spray being in the house. This was likely your sitter's fault. I am really baffled as to why you think your daughter should 'learn the lesson'. I'm genuinely confused. You are the adult. If you have an expensive table and a child, it needs to be covered. We have a glass top and an oilcloth on top of that for our nice table.

That, in combination with a medication (that's what sunblock is) being left within reach of a youngster, is a learning lesson for the adults. What did she do that was bad, other than *possibly* set a drippy bottle of sunscreen on a table that should have been covered? Why are no adults accepting their part in this? Why is your babysitter letting her take the heat? She should have kept the sunblock out of reach and been supervising your kid.

Next time, talk to your babysitter about the dangers of leaving out medications (what if your daughter was like some kids I know, who like to suck liquids out of spray bottles?--- please be thankful she wasn't made ill or sick having access to this) and get a good cover for your table. Because it *will* happen again. "Use a coaster" can become an ugly refrain. I know, because I made my husband get that glass and oilcloth because even I, as an adult, could not be 'perfect' enough for that table of his. It's an unrealistic expectation to have of a child. No punishments, no consequence, no time outs. We sometimes find ourselves at fault for lack of forethought. This is one of those times. Sorry.

PS: just wanted to add, per your SWH, that 'sorry' is a tricky one. I do not ask my son or my preschoolers to apologize to others, because I want them to learn it themselves. The best way to teach it, from my experience, is to model what 'sorry' is on our own. I had to apologize to a child today for a mistake that I made, and I did so with concern, compassion and with an open mind. (she accidentally fell because I moved something and she wasn't aware of it. That was totally my mistake.) We got out the ice pack, etc. So often, we instruct our kids to "say sorry" because it's the socially-required thing to do, and so we actually miss giving them the context for what 'sorry' really means. They just see it as a step in the 'making good' process before going back to play and don't get the genuine meaning of it. It might be, too, that your sitter told her to 'say sorry' before you came home, or made a comment that you might be upset. But if your daughter had no real intention of damaging anything, it's really unclear why she would spontaneously apologize all on her own.

Well, I'm going to take a different approach. Your daughter didn't do a single thing wrong that she needs consequences for. Not a single darned thing. Accident or not. It was an adult's fault that there was sunscreen spray in the house, not hers. It was an adult's fault that it was in her reach. It was an adult's fault that she was playing with it to the point of it coming out of the bottle and setting on the table long enough to leave rings.

Now you know not to leave sunscreen on that table. And you know to ask your babysitter/s and guests not to leave sunscreen on that table. And you know to leave sunscreen out of your daughter's reach.

A table can always be refinished. The fact here is that an adult/s dropped the ball and "did something bad" NOT your daughter. If there are any "consequences" it should be a discussion with your babysitter about keeping chemicals like that out of your daughter's reach AND keeping a better eye on your daughter. And then you fire her and get a new sitter.

Then be thankful that the only thing that was damaged was your table. If your daughter had ingested the sunscreen you would be calling Poison Control and on your way to the ER right now.

I know how difficult it can be when others accidentally spoil something precious to us. Considering everybody's responsibility in this, I am completely in agreement with Hazel. A 3yo child has very little concept of adult ideas like "expensive," or anywhere near enough life experience to know that some substance may damage the expensive thing. Unfortunately, for nearly all of us, that life experience comes through making mistakes.

Valuable objects should be kid-proofed to reduce the chances that they will be damaged. Potentially hazardous or damaging substances must be kept out of toddlers' reach. And the babysitter apparently left the bottle within your child's reach.

Your daughter has already learned as much as she's able to learn from this one situation, with this one substance. She may still be puzzled about what the big deal is, but it sounds like she was scolded thoroughly enough that she knows she's supposed to be "sorry." There will more than likely be other events and accidents, with other substances. It's simply the nature of growing up and learning.

Please be careful not to give your precious child the impression that things are more precious than people, or that somebody's emotional attachment to an object justifies unfair treatment. My sisters and I got a lot of that from my mom, and it was VERY hard to learn not to pass those perplexing lessons on to my own daughter.

I don't see how a three year old (no matter how smart and verbal she may be) could understand that sunscreen bottles would leave a permanent stain on the table. I know you are upset but please don't tell her she did something "bad." Being bad is purposely and maliciously trying to ruin property or hurt someone. Do you think she was trying to ruin the table?
Just show her that you are really sad about the table and ask her never to put anything on it again without asking an adult first.
Kids and pets...ruin many, many things...and yet I couldn't imagine my life without them :)

I'm curious to read your responses as you get them because I'm honestly not sure what I would do. It's tough because if she were older I could suggest having her pay allowance money to help fix it, but she's three. I honestly don't punish my kids when they 'accidentally' break something or ruin furniture. My seven-year-old broke her boxspring jumping on the bed but I allowed her to, so why punish? When my four-year-old colored on the table with a sharpie accidentally (it went off the edge of her piece of paper) and left a small line of purple sharpie on my dining room table (which I inherited-very expensive), I didn't punish her because I let her have the sharpie to begin with, I should have put newspaper down.

However, kids have to be taught to respect things- so I'm on the fence.

Be sure you don't discipline her for something she is not responsible for... the whole story sounds fishy to me...did the babysitter tell her to bring the sunscreen inside? How was she supposed to know it would damage the table?

I have to say that I also don't quite see how your daughter is responsible for the damage to your table.
Does she know that she is not supposed to put things on the table? Was it even her who placed the sunscreen bottles there and how in the world did she get a hold of them?

At three consequences need to be appropriate and immediate. I would never give my daughter a consequence for ruining a piece of furniture by accident/ because she did not know any better.

I would consider this more along the lines of adult mistakes: your sitter's for not putting away the sunscreen and yours for not having a protective cover on the expensive table. And I am not saying this to be mean, I have a ruined rug because I allowed my daughter to play play-dough in the living room, I didn't think about the mess it would make and she didn't know any better. Sometimes stuff just happens.

My 2 year old colored on the wall with a dry erase marker. I knew that it would not come off, but I made her help me try and clean it off anyway. Once it did not, we talked about how messy it looked and how it made me sad to see the wall so messy.
I did not "punish" her, but I made it a big deal and we worked at cleaning it for quite awhile. She tells everyone now that they are not allowed to color on walls, so I guess I made some impression.

As a side note: I understand Hazel's point, but I do think that it is important to teach children to be responsible for their own actions no matter how young they are. That is why I do not think a "punishment" is the right approach, but using this as one of many life lessons is a great start to teaching your daughter how to think about what is right and wrong and not just follow rules. Will she understand the whole concept based on this one incident? No, but it is a great start.

Also it sounds like an accident because no one is perfect, but if it is truely the sitter's fault why not talk to her about repairing the table?

At 3 1/2 I would probably save real consequences for when she does something wrong that is a non-accident. To a 3 year old, it isn't a big deal, it is a table. She just doesn't understand. I would just take the opportunity to explain to her that mommy and daddy's stuff is very important and she needs to be more careful because it would make you very sad if your stuff got ruined. If it makes you feel better my kids ruined our table with ice water rings years ago. I am just waiting until my littlest is 5 or so to buy a new one :)

Sorry but its really your fault. If its not for her to open and have at 3, its your responsibility to put away so a 3 year old toddler can not get it. She is not old enough to be punished for this, she could never comprehend why. She is a toddler who will learn appropriate time outs for things such as hitting her sister, hitting mom, not doing what mommy says. She was appropriate when she sang so-rry in a sing song voice because she is a toddler. The consequence is on you.

It was not intentional, she apologized, that's plenty for a 3.5 yr old. I would hold the babysitter responsible. Why was she not watching your daughter more closely? Did you not express to her how valuable the table was. Your own fault too. Get the table repaired, get over it. Kids have absolutely no concept of value of furniture. And if it was intentional , different story . I am a big proponent in swift discipline for misbehavior, but this does not qualify, sorry. FYI, I do a swift business making and selling custom made oilcloth table covers for this very reason! Www.Maryoglesby.etsy.com

I wouldn't punish her. She didn't do it on purpose. I agree with waiting until she does something on purpose for punishing her. We all make mistakes. I could see trying to explain to her how sad you are that the table is damaged. It could also be a good lesson on forgiveness (you letting her know you forgive her for her accidentally doing it). But, really, when it's a mistake - it's a mistake. Those things just happen some times. There's really no way for a child that young to understand issues with tables like that.

I do like the idea of having her pay some of her allowance for it...except she's 3, like the other person said.

Honestly, I don't think there is anything you can or should do.

There is a difference between consequences and punishments. A consequence is natural - the natural consequence in this situation is that mommy and daddy are a little sad that their table got hurt. Let her see that (without going overboard). That's a consequence. Punishments are for times when someone does something bad, like stealing or hurting someone. Your child didn't do something bad - she simply did something you wish she'd known not to do. In my opinion, it would be completely unacceptable and unreasonable to give her a punishment for this. Haven't you, as an adult, ever made a mistake that ruined something? Shrunk a sweater in the dryer or something like that? How would you have felt if your spouse punished you for that mistake? Let it go and move on. This is life with kids.

if it wasn't intentional why is there consenquences???

A 3 year old cannot be responsible for understanding the value of good furniture. We had red punch spilled on a carpet in the family room. We then had to make a rule that drinks were not to be in the family room. I would say move on from here and understand that children, esp. very young children need lots of guidance and supervision and that expensive things that you value a great deal probably aren't a great place for them to spend a lot of time.

this is not something a child that age would know not to do unless you have previously told them, so honestly in this case your stern words are enough