Confusion Confusion and More Confusion

What did he say when you told him how you feel and asked him what's up?

That's what people in a real, committed relationship do. Talk. Give it a try.

Is this why you want to tattoo his name on you?

Don't.
This is why we ALL said don't, even though you got mad at us.

You don't need to ask us whether he's cheating. You already know.

Does he have an IPhone, by chance? The new software update (IOS7) makes one set up a password if you didn't have one before. That's all I got. Good luck.

Let me do some math here" you have been together for a year and have a two month old daughter.
So unless my numbers are off you met a guy and got pregnant within weeks of getting together.

Your relationship sounds like a textbook case of too much too fast. Relationships that start out with a pregnancy in what should be your dating and getting to know each other phase rarely end well.

Now that you already have a child with him what is done is done and you need to find way to arrange yourself with him in one way or another until your baby is grown. I would strongly suggest that you seek relationship counseling ASAP. If he does not want to go I suggest that you go alone.

It doesn't really matter what is going on (cheating or not) - I don't think your relationship has a chance if you don't work on it together.
I would also encourage you to make some friends! Join a mom's group or a parenting class just to meet other moms. Sitting at home alone with no one to talk to but your 8 week old is not healthy. I am not saying that there is nothing going on, but that kind of social isolation postpartum can make people paranoid!

Good luck

Whether or not he's cheating is not the important issue. The fact that your relationship isn't working should be your main concern. If the two of you aren't able to talks about what is happening make an appointment with a counselor.

I, too, wonder if he's distancing himself because you're so needy. Everyone needs friends and people with whom to relate in addition to their significant other. Also intimate relationships have a pattern of close and not so close. I suggest you read the book The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner.

Didn't he just return from work which was out fishing? How long has he been home? I would assume if he is gone for weeks at a time, he is getting used to his routine again. He has not had the regular routine with you since he has been away so he's getting the groove back.

How long was he commercial fishing? I would assume a password on the phone was used so that someone couldn't "borrow" his phone without him knowing it and running up charges or snooping. A passcode on a phone is a must have in my opinion. I've been married almost 25 yrs and we have passcodes on our phones for security.

The cute note in the shower says he was thinking about you.

Your post reeks of insecurity, no trust and ongoing issues. Please do not go through with a marriage when you already have so much negative going on.... Marriage itself will not make things better.

ETA: You have a 2 month old baby? You are in hormone crazy mode with your body adjusting to caring for your baby and getting yourself back to normal.

When he met you who were you? I bet you were working, doing stuff with friends, going out, staying busy, etc....now you sit at home and don't have anyone but him and your baby.

He fell in love with the person you used to be so find her again. Get out of the house, go window shopping, have a pop, sit and watch people go by, do SOMETHING besides sit at home.

If you're more involved in life and living he's going to find you more attractive and want to spend time with you again.

Let's get to know people and their habits and schedules and develop a rapport before we have babies with them and call ourselves a couple. Anybody who's been with you through pregnancy and childbirth should be someone you can talk to about your concerns. As changes show up, you should be able to inquire about them. Even if you put the cart before the horse and just had a baby right out the gate, it's high time you play some catch-up with beign a grown-up in a grown-up relationship.

"Acts different towards me." "Makes me feel ugly and unloved." These are not facts; these are perceptions. No one you talk to can address these directly without details, except to tell you to get YOUR act together. His cheating on you is not the problem.

Hope that wasn't too mean.

How long has he been home? One day? Two? How could he do all this when he just got back home a day or so ago?

Probably just getting used to being on land again. Put the password on his phone so the guys on the boat with him couldn't use it.

Because he was on a boat with a bunch of men. If I worked somewhere where people had easy access to my stuff I would lock my phone too. Maybe someone tried to steal it. Maybe he has an iPhone and the stupid upgrade made him...

Well, what does he say when you ask him where he's going or where he's been?
Not sure what to tell you about the phone. I don't even know if my husband's phone HAS a password. I never use it, I only use mine. Why do you use his phone, do you not have your own?
Would like to offer more helpful advice but you need to provide more information...

Based on your past posts, my family started similar to yours. My husband and I had been together for one year (then engaged) and had a one month old child, so things moved quickly for us. We had our ups and downs, huge challenges, and almost split several times.

New relationships are only easy for a little while, then people start getting real. You guys never had the time to get real before you were committed (since you chose to stay together and raise the baby as a family). This means you BOTH have to work ten times as hard to make it work. It can happen, but it takes so much more work than a normal relationship.

COMMUNICATION is key. In any relationship, but especially in one like yours (and mine). Neither of you had time to decide you wanted to stay together for reasons other than the fact you have a child. Not making that decision means there will be resentment. Maybe he is out doing what he would be doing if you weren't together, maybe he's not. Only he knows that.

I would be suspicious of him, but that's because there is a past history of cheating in my relationship - it sucks and makes things even that much harder. However, I can also tell you if you THINK he is cheating, everything will look like he is.

He is allowed to have time away from you and the baby, he doesn't have to report to you about his whereabouts 100% of the time (yes, it is considerate, but he doesn't have to), you shouldnt have a reason to go look at his phone. Does he know you think there are problems and what they are? Does he agree? He doesn't MAKE you feel anyway, you give him the power to make you feel that way.

I gave my husband that power a long time ago too, and I took it away from him. When I took it away, our problems were fixed (for the most part). I took it away by not caring anymore...he wanted to be gone all day playing softball, fine, I didn't miss him or care that he was gone. He wanted to stay two hours after the game to have a coke with the guys, fine, I didn't care. When he saw I didn't care and what it was doing to us, he finally stepped up to the plate and did what he needed to do to get the power back to make me feel for him. But when he got that power back, he made me feel lloved, wanted, desired, important, etc. When the flip goes on and he does the opposite, I know how to take the power away from him again. He doesn't like that, and it changes his behavior. I mean he doesn't like it in that he sees he has hurt me to the point that I don't care anymore...and he wants me to care.

YOU have to change here, not him. He will only change when he wants to. You do what you need to do to be happy without him. Whether he is there or not. You can't make him want you or your family. If he wants it, he will do right. Counseling would be good, communication is a skill I believe you two lack.

But if you want the answer to your question, you have to ask him. But will you believe what he says either way? My guess is no. Go get professional help for the two of you before you end up a single parent, unless that is what you want.

R.,

You said your fiance is a deep sea fisherman...so is he out on a boat 50% of the time and on shore 50% of the time?

Why do you feel to the need to check his cell phone? Do you not trust him?
How do you know he leaves work around lunch time and doesn't go back?

He can't MAKE you feel anything unless you allow him to do so. Why are you giving him that power over you?

Have you tried to TALK WITH (not to or AT) him to figure out what's going on? If he tells you you are crazy - then you need to make the decision if you are better off with or without him. No one can make that decision for you.

What made you want to check his phone?
What made you check up on his at work?
What makes you say he won't work on problems your relationship? If you are on him like white on rice and are not LISTENING just yelling or talking - how can he work on problems?
Why does he have to tell you his every move - are you his mother? Or are you his partner?

I'd love to hear HIS side of the story.

If you don't trust him. Break the relationship off NOW. If you have kids together already? Sorry, Charlie - should have gotten to know him BETTER BEFORE you had kids with him. Now - you are stuck with him in your life for a LONG time....

Strongly suggest marriage counseling.
Stop trying to control him. Be his partner.
LISTEN TO HIM. Give him a chance to talk.

"Confused" - I agree-I looked back and see that you were calling him your husband but now he is a fiancée (unless it is a different person).

I also agree with others. Have you talked to him at all about any of this?

And maybe he is acting weird-but guess what-you may be too. I'm sure you aren't putting out a good vibe if you have this much mistrust and won't even talk to him about why.

And your SWH-well-maybe you need to work on you a bit. It sounds like you guys way jumped the gun on this relationship but why can't you make some friends and have a support system of some sort more local to you. Maybe you are a bit too needy for him right now and he has to adjust to being with you again after a few months away.

Is he angry about the tattoo? Did you end up not getting his name tattooed on you? I know you posted about doing that a few weeks ago.

Remember that note he wrote to you in the shower? That sounded nice.

Maybe he is stressed about planning your wedding? Is your wedding date soon?

Have you asked him? That's really the only way to know other than to follow him around.

That's why you don't have kids with someone you've only known for a year.

ASK!!

I just looked back on a couple of your posts - sounds like everything was going so well, what happened?? Did you guys get married or is he still your fiance? In either case, I would just sit him down and talk to him!! You're going to drive yourself nuts until you find out what's going on.

Good luck!!

Ask him. The new IPhone software (IOS7) pretty much makes you put in a password.

Are you saying he leaves work at lunchtime and he doesn't come home until 4 or 5?

Both my husband's and my phones are password protected. Neither has the others password. I've never felt the need to spy on my husband.

Sounds like you and your husband (or is it fiance) need to sit down and talk about things. Didn't he just get back from his job (fishing).

Hope you haven't gotten his name tattooed on yourself yet.

Hi, R.:

Are you married to this man?

If not, then you either have to accept this or
break this relationship up.

If you are married, then if you are in love with him,
you need to just love him and learn how to meet his needs.

You need to love yourself and feel beautiful from within yourself.

Appreciate having a man you can make love to whenever you want it.

Let him do his thing.

Good luck.
D.

He's already left you in his mind, he just hasn't moved out yet. Whether or not he is cheating barely matters. If he doesn't want to work on problems then there is nothing you can do but pick up the pieces and move on.

If he puts a sign around his neck that says, "I'm cheating on you"? How can he make it clearer? Bring the woman to your house?

I think you already do.