Confused?????????

I know how you feel as I am in the exact same position only married 6 years though and scared to death to start over with two children, maybe we can help each other.

SORRY FOR THE RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW. AT ABOUT 10 1/2 INTO MY MARRIAGE, NOW AT 14 YEARS 9 MONTHS, WE HAD AN EXTREMELY TRING TIME. I WORKED SPLIT SHIFTS 5PM-2AM AND HE WORKED 7AM-4:30PM. IT LEFT NO TIME FOR ME AND HIM. WE DID THIS TO MAKE THINGS MEET ALSO AND SO WE DID NOT HAVE TO GET A SITTER FOR THE KIDS. I WOULD CLEAN ALL DAY, THEN WORK AT NIGHT. I AVERAGED ABOUT 2-3 HOURS ASLEEP NIGHTLY, BECAUSE THE KIDS WOULD GET UP AT 6AM. WE CONSTANTLY HAD BATTLES OVER ANYTHING. WE(MOSTLY I) FELT WE DID NOT KNOW EACH OTHER ANYMORE. THE KIDS WERE UNHAPPY I WAS UNHAPPY AND HE WAS UNHAPPY. WE TALKED AND SCREAMED DIVORCE DAILY. IN THE END I HAD TO CUT MY HOURS TO WERE I WORKED ONLY TO 10-10:30PM. THEN THAT ENDED UP NOT BEING ENOUGH. MORE THINGS KEPT HAPPENING. OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS ALMOST ON IT'S END. SO I JUST GAVE MY JOB UP TOTALLY. WE WERE FINANCALLY IN A HUGE BIND. BUT WE WERE ABLE TO RECOVER US AND OUR FAMILY BEFORE IT ENDED. I HAVE NOT WENT BACK TO WORK AND THERE ARE MANY TIMES THAT WE NEEDED THE MONEY EXTREMELY BAD. BUT WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT FAMILY OR MONEY. YOU CAN'T BUY THE LOVE NOR FAMILY FOR ANY PRICE. I GUESS WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY. GET OUT ONE EVENING, YOU AND HIM ALONE, GRAB DINNER AND OVER DINNER TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL. ASK HIM IF HE THINKS IT WOULD WORK IF YOU BECAME A STAY AT HOME MOM AGAIN OR MAYBE EVEN CHANGE YOURS HOURS IF POSSIBLE. OR EVEN CUT THE HOURS, SO YOU HAVE MORE TIME FOR YOU AND HIM. TODAY PAUL AND I STILL HAVE A FEW TIFFS, BUT NOTHING THAT LAST. I TOOK A LONG TIME TO RECOVER WHAT WE HAD, BUT WELL WORTH IT. I HAVE SINCE HAD 1 MORE BABY(TOTALING 4). AND I WISHED DAILY I DIDN'T LOOSE THOSE 3 YEARS OF US.
HOPE THIS HELPED. I AM 30 YEARS OLD AND KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME IF YOU WANT TO CHAT.

I've been married for 8 years now. After my daughter was born my husband was working TONS of overtime; not by his choice. He would work anywhere from 12 to 20 hours a day depending upon how close a project was to deadline. Being overwhelmed with a baby and no family around I started jumping down his throat about EVERYTHING. He couldn't do anything right. I would call him at work and yell about all of the time he wasn't spending at home. I would yell at him when he got home because I was just that stressed. It was like an out of body experience because everytime I yelled at him, in the back of my mind I was thinking "it isn't his fault that he's making money to bring home to his family". It got to the point where he told me one day that things were getting so bad that he was only coming home to see his daughter. That was my wake-up call. I went to the Dr. and he put me on meds to help take the edge off of the stress. It did soooo much good. That was 3 years into our marriage, and we are as happy as ever now.

My point is that maybe it's time for you to take a step back. Get a journal out and make a list of everything that's bothering you. Once you've made your list, go through and pick out the issues that are really bothering you. Most likely you will find that there are only a couple of "root" problems. The rest will be annoyances. Make time to go out with hubby and discuss things. I'm sure that you can work things out!

I have been married for 8 years and can identify on some levels. My mom and dad (married for 36 years) told me that you have hard times, times when you fall in and out of love and times when you times when you think you can no longer make it. If you are not in an abusive relationship then the both of you owe it your family and yourselves to work things out. I know when I have struggled with my husband in the end it has brought us even closer... it's just getting over those pesky hills. I'm sure you guys don't get much time together and when my husband worked the graveyard shift we had the hardest time. You have to do what's right for the family but at the same time you are sacrifcing your relationship in the process. What advice am I giving you... make time for yourselves and pick your battles. DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF!!! You can make it!!!

Boy can I relate to what you are going through except the grandfather part. I work nights, my husband stays home and takes care of the house and children so I can sleep. It is so frustrating being the only source of income especially when he starts going on about how there are bills to pay and things are stretched tight. We used to fight about it all the time (we've been married four years and i have been the sore source of income for all of them). My general response was, and frequently still is, if you don't like it get a job. Probably not the best response but lets face it, living a lifestyle that is opposite to the rest of the world (us night workers) is stressful enough especially since it feels like we are missing out on everything that happens with our families. I woudl bet that on your days off you feel like you are being pulled in 10 different dirrections trying to give everyone time and energy since you work nights and do have to sleep sometime. Your children want your attention, your husband wants your attention and you need some time for yourself. Been there, done that, still working on how to time manage.

So what have we done in our family to attempt to solve this issue? First my husband and I explained to the children that just because we may argue and fight it does not mean we do not love each other. By saying it to the children it also helps reaffirm it to each other. I know from experience that sometimes just getting your loved one to say I love you is like pulling teeth and lets face it you just need to hear it sometimes. On my days off my husband and I will spend sometime working on our house together or just veg. Since our kids are in school this is our time to reconnect. Once the kids come home we will try to spend time as a family. It might be something as simple as getting take out and a movie or playing a game. When I need some me time I tell everyone. I love to knit and sew, it is meditation for me. It is also something that I can watch tv and do while still being able to spend time with my family and discuss a movie, tv show, etc.

I can't tell you that it gets better since we have our ups and downs all the time (mostly about the fact that I really don't like my job and hate the fact that I have to work so many nights to make what we need). I know what you are feeling and you are not alone. Be certain to talk (don't yell or accuse) to your husband about your feelings and try to come up with a plan. I know that lots of people tell us to make a date, but lets face it, working nights it is not always possible to do that nor do we generally have extra money to pay a babysitter and go out, that is why we work nights, extra money.

Best wishes.

Y.,

I'm so sorry you're going through this! But take heart, it can get better! I recommend the book "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn - it makes things about our men make so much more sense!! Get it and try out some of it's methods for dealing with your husband and you will find a tremendous turn-around!

Good Luck!

I think we have all experienced this. There are a couple things that you can try. Ok now remember when you were so in love and couldnt go a day without seeing each other. Just think of a few things that you used to do. Sit and watch tv and play in his hair. Snuggle a little more at night. Kiss him for no reason. Since you see the problem you can start doing a few of these small things just to get the romance and affection back. It could change everything. I have tried it and it works. lol.

You could also just sit down and talk to him and let him know that you really love him and you miss the way that it used to be. Try to get him to work it out with you. They are cool with helping when you talk to them about it instead of nagging or bitching about it.

Good luck and I know it is gonna be hard. Maybe if you change first he will follow suit.

My husband and I have just been married for 4 years. Recently we went through the start of something similar to this. We solved our problem by making time to spend just the 2 of us. I know it seems odd to make time for each other when you are arguing. Taking a weekend trip away from everyone just the two of you would help out alot. But that is not an option for everyone including us. So I told dh that I wanted to spend some alone time with him. Spending even an uninterupted hour or two alone will allow you to talk and avoid alot of the stress that may be causing the fighting. Having this time now and then will help you get back to your relationship as a couple. You may find that he is tired of arguing too.
Hope this helps. This helped our marriage immensely.
G.

Go out! Just the two of you, even if it's just shopping for groceries, it doesn't have to be anything expensive or fancy, but it sounds like you're desperate to connect again. My husband and I found ourselves coming and going and only seeing each other for a half an hour just to quickly complain about our day and then rush back into things. It was horrible! We finally made the commitment to go out at least once every other week and it is wonderful! Sometimes we sneak off an meet each other for lunch, last year we took an evening and went Christmas shopping together. You don't need to make a big production of going out when the main objective is to spend one on one time with each other. If you can, put Grandpa in charge for an hour or so, even if it's after bedtime, that way you can save money on a sitter. Life is hard, and finding time is very hard, but you can do it. Besides, happy parents are one of the best gifts they can give to their children. Good luck!

talk to him. make time to go out on dates to get to know each other again. good luck

Y.,
I know where you are coming from, hun. The only difference is I'm not married to him. With you and your husband try a marriage therapist. If you really love him and want it to work then try that first before you give up on it.

First of all, it's gotta be tough on your relationship to work different shifts and hardly see each other. And to have the grandfather living with you, do you have any privacy? Do you have someone that could watch the kids a couple times a month? If so, I would set a date night, for just the two of you. If you can't have privacy at your home, maybe get a motel room, take a bunch of candles and massage products and spend the evening concentrating on just the two of you. You definitely need some time alone, so you can remember why you fell in love to begin with. Maybe you're arguing because you don't have a lot of time together to talk things out, and when he's taking care of the kids part of the time, and you the other part, it's like you are both raising the kids separately. If all else fails, definitely try counseling before giving up all hope.

Dear Y.,
Our society, (which Hollywood sort of dictates to us what to think, wear, eat and how to act), does not allow us to focus on the true and good things about our husbands. We are taught to put men down, demean them, make fun of them, not to honor or respect them for the attempts they make to love, care and provide for us.
You say that you love him, so I would encourage you to show him how much you love him, by working at your marriage. We were taught as little girls that we get married and live "happily ever after". We are not taught that it takes work, real work to constantly try to build husbands up and praise them for going to work, paying the bills and trying to put up with our emotions/feelings. Do we do our part to save money, only buying what's needed and on sale, instead of stuffing our closets full of "extras"? Are we fixing them good meals, meeting their sexual needs and keeping a clean house?
I've been married for 36 years, so I'm the "old woman" of Mamaasource and I have tried to tell you young ladies that when things begin to fall apart, get out the "directions" which is the Bible and read Ephesians 5, especially the last few verses which talk about women need their husbands to love them, but husbands need their wives to RESPECT them. It's a give and take, mutual love and respect that will make a marriage work. God is the designer and He knows what makes us all tick. So please work to save your marriage. It's the best thing for your children to feel secure and loved is to see mom and dad loving each other.
So please work at it, talk together, see if you can possibly get by on a little less, or maybe he could find a better job, so you wouldn't have to work that graveyard shift. I pray you will turn to God and seek Him, ask Him to show you both what to do to help your marriage come alive again with the love and dreams you first had together over 10 years ago.
God Bless you,
M. J.

My husband and I go through spurts like this here and there. (We've been married for five years.) The times it happens most frequently are when we have too much on our plates. It's the busiest of weeks that seem to drive us to argue/bicker/say mean things to one another/withdraw emotionally. Maybe look at some ways to simplify your lives. It might be something as simple as getting rid of one extra activity that your kids are involved in or turning off the TV and talking.

I some times don't appreciate my husband, but then I talk to my friends who have husbands who cheat, stay out all night, say abusive things to them, are distant towards their children, etc. and I realize that I have a great husband. And, for every time I am exasperated by something he has done, there's definitely an equal (if not higher) number of things I've done to exasperate him, I'm sure.

Some times I don't feel appreciated, but then when I step back from my feelings and think about them logically, I realize that I don't show my appreciation to my husband as often as I should either.

It sounds a bit cheesy, but start small and it won't feel quite so weird - Think of one super-duper nice thing you can say to your husband today. Tomorrow think of two. You might not get it back right away but eventually - what you give out to the universe will come back to you. Your husband may look at you funny the first couple of times you compliment him/say something unexpectedly nice - but hopefully - he'll return those compliments sooner than later. It's amazing what the feeling of being appreciated can do for a soul (yours and his)!

Take care. God Bless.

PS: Once a month - date night. It does amazing things. (I know time is an issue for you - but if you want/need something bad enough you'll find time and so will he.)

I can identify with your frustration...we've only been married 3 years but we have definitely had our share of ups and downs. The first thing you need to do is think about why you married this man. And love can't be the only reason. Love is not enough to sustain a marriage. It sounds to me that you guys are just going through a rough patch...and sometimes in a marriage, a rough patch can last years. We're going through a "rough patch" right now...my husband works on average 12 hours a day, plus some weekends, and I work at night PT, and stay home with our son during the day (hubby watches him at night). We spend about an hour a day together during the week, and then weekends. My house is a disatser because even though I'm home all day, I'm constantly chasing our 1 year old around, plus I usually only get about 4 hours of sleep a night and I just don't have the energy to clean like I'd like. So I understand your feelings of being dissatisfied with life. I am so over it for now! But my husband is starting school in a few months and hopefully when he's done (in early 2008) he will be able to get a job that offers better medical benefits (the main reason I work) and a salary that will be close to what we're bringing in together right now. But that means I will have at least another year and a half of life like this. And I do wish my husband would do more to help out. But in the end, I have come to realize that those things do not really matter, because he works hard to provide for our family, he would take a bullet for me, he makes me laugh and we have fun together, he is an amazing father...all things that are reason enough for me to overlook the fact that the dinner dishes aren't done when I come home from work. And I have also realized that he probably overlooks a lot of stuff I do (or more accurately these days, DON'T do). He is very understanding of my lack of energy and has not once made a comment about the clean laundry that has been sitting in a basket waiting to be folded for 4 days. He never complains when he gets home from work and I announce it's sandwiches for dinner (again) because I was too worn out to cook. Maybe you need to change your perspective a little bit...your message sounds like you seem to think he's mostly, if not completely, at fault. Some other things to keep in mind...happy marriages are not happy all the time. You have to allow for some tough times and vow to weather the storm together, even if you feel like pitching him overboard. Odds are, he has felt the same way about you. Also, it's actually easy to not argue about most stuff...just don't do it. Most things are not worth arguing about. It sounds like you guys are just getting buried in what is a really rough time, but I assure you, it is also a temporary thing. Maybe you guys could go out on a date and reconnect. Talk about your future goals, the news, a movie, anything but what you and he need to "fix". And lastly, you need to accept your man for who he is, not who you wish he would be, and he needs to do the same for you. I hope this helps some!

M.

Weigh the good times with the bad times. Then put yourself in his shoes, talk to him now before it is too late.

Y.
Have you and your husband tried counseling? I think that this might be good for you. Atleast it is a start! If he is not willing to go and work on your marrage then you need to sit down together and figure out if your marriage is worth saving and if it is then you both should be willing to do something! This is going to be a time that you will need to suport eachother and keep the lines of communication open.
Good luck and I hope everything works out!!