My Marriage Is Falling Apart

I would make a counseling appointment for your marriage.
and tell him when and where it is.

Hi Keyetta, I am so sorry for you, but all I can say is what is supposed to happen will happen. My husband and I don't disagree or fight often but when we do we go round and round. We both want to be right. There are times when I cannot stand him and don't want to look at him,but what I try to do is isolate the incident in my head. Ex. if he hadn't come home late and drunk and had a nasty attitude(not abbusive more just annoying and rude), would I still love him to pieces. If I say to myself "no I wouldn't" then I find it worth and argument or discussion about the situation, if I say "yes" to myself, I try to sleep on it and bite the bullet. I obviously don't know how serious your arguments are or what they are about, but I hope this helps. DON'T give up this soon. And the best piece of advice coming from a home where both of my parents married and divorced twice, DO NOT FIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR SON. Those are some of my worst memories from childhood. My email is ____@____.com if you need to just write to vent. I wish you the best!

Hi there,

marriage can be so hard! And so good.
Two books have helped ours a lot:

"Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh
"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlessinger

The latter was really interesting for me, since i am probably from a very different background than Laura, am more liberal, left-wing, not conservative. But her book was very helpful, as i read with a sense of humour and a lot of openness.

This may help if you like to take help from books.
Otherwise: hope both of you manage to become open-hearted, trusting and vulnerable again.

Good luck,
D.

Keyetta, you are NOT alone.

Every marriage goes through challenges. Marriage is an extremely difficult relationship that has the potential to reap bountiful rewards -- but the rewards rarely come easy and you must work at it. Unfortunately, you can't work at it if there isn't good communication. You two must first find the means to communicate. Counseling can definitely help here -- IF he's the type of man who would be willing to go. Many men have difficulty placing themselves before a counselor. In the absence of that, pray, pray and pray some more. That's what I've done. And then work on becoming the best you that you can be. You've already begun to isolate your contributions to the problems, now make the inward changes within yourself. And pray for him to do the same. Maybe when he sees you maturing, he will begin to better recognize his flaws.

It really sounds like the two of you are reacting to your circumstances rather than any insurmountable character flaw in either of you. You have a new marriage, lack your own living space, and are a newly blended family. That's a lot to deal with right off the bat. But you CAN navigate those challenges. Blessings await if you endure. We're all imperfect. But marriage teaches us to love unconditionally.

You are not alone. Many have been right where you are. You say you pray? Remember, the Lord will never leave you nor forsake you. Incline your ear to His leading.

Hi KS,
I just read about your dilema and I can relate somewhat. I am not married though. He did prpose about 4 years ago, but marriage dates have never been discussed since. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years now, since 2003. You'd think that we should have it together by now, but we don't. The arguments are definately not as bad as they used to be, but we still argue here and there. There was a point in time when we would argue every day and I wanted so much to get out of the relationship, but for some reason we always stayed together. One thing I can say will make it worse is you two staying away from eachother so often. I understand that we are all busy and have to work daily, but him staying out and you staying out at night takes away from your bonding time. One of the big problems that most of us have in relationships is that we don't know enough about eachother before we go full throttle into them. We all do it.

My son was only 3 years old when I met my fiance. I tried my hardest not to let him see us argue because that would just make my son hate him. There came many times when I felt like just leaving him and moving on, but to start all over again with someone new doesn't mean HAPPINESS. Unfortunately I belive (and you don't have to agree) that all men have some type of something with them. If you leave you may find better qualities in the next one, but then you may also find worse ones, as well. I really think you should just stick it out. I stuck it out and we are doing much better, NOT PERFECT, but much better. What you have to do is sit down with each other and talk. Seriously conversate about your likes and dislikes about eachother. Discuss a plan for the two of you and your son. Figure out how the two of you together can build a future and get out of the current situation that you are in. It will be so much better! You have to constantly remind the other person as often as you can how grateful you are to have them in your life. Let each other know that you are going to do wahtever it takes to push and get into a better situation for the 3 of you.

There is nothing like having your own place. And some of his anger probablly stems from being a man and not being able to provide for you as he wishes to. Men don't really know how to express their feelings or even identify what there problems are most of the time. Another thing that may be bothering him is the fact that he loves you and your son is not his. That is okay and doesn't mean he doesn't love your son. I went through the same thing. All the time I thought he hated my son. He finally told me he didn't hate him, he HATED the fact that he belonged to someone else instead of him. He wished he had met me earlir instead of my son's father. Why would he wait years to tell me this? Because men have to put up this wall that doesn't allow to many emotions to cross over it, otherwise thay are considered less than.

I hope you two can work this out and stay together. I think it can work if you set up a plan. Your everyday duties should consist on making a better future for your family.

Have you ever thought of going into a women's shelter to receive housing assistance? Just for a short period of time. You'll just have to remind yourself and your son that your only going to be there temporarily. You'll be amazed at how fast you can get your own place. Living with others will always be a huge road block. I know I have been there, too.

My son is now 11 years old. My fiance and I have a 2 year old daughter together. That was hell too, becuase we were still arguing while I was pregnant. I thought I would loose the baby. But she's here now and he regrets how bad he treated me. At the time I felt like a dumb basket case for staying with him, but I'm glad that I did. Not to mention two kids and not with either dad would be horrible!

Now instead of spending hours on arguing and taking years off of our lives, we try to focus on how we are going to finacially and emotionally support our family. It is soooooooooo hard, but you 2 can do it!

I hope this offers some type of support for you. Good Luck Girl!!!

Hi K,
It does sound awful but the early years of marriage can be like that. Even if you have been together for a long time before, marriage still changes things. One of the most important things though is to reconnect with your son. Adults can handle themselves but kids take their cues from us. You don't want to give him a childhood of watching his parents fight and his mother cry and neglect him. The reason I say this is because my parents went through something like that and it was awful for me and my siblings (but at least we had each other - your son is alone).
Your husband and you need to remember what made you fall in love and get married - what you liked about each other. It might be better to focus on that rather than the faults. Also anger keeps spiraling so someone has to break the cycle before it becomes a habit. Sometimes it helps to focus on something else in your life: work, children for example. That will take the pressure off the marriage and you will be in a better frame of mind to deal with it. Give your marriage some time. If the relationship is not abusive and you truly respect each other it is worth trying to work things out.

Keyetta-

With regard to your son, please do not feel inadequate compared to your son's father. What children need more than anything else is unconditional love and individual attention. Bringing them to an amusement park is fun but it's not necessary to make your child feel loved and important. When your son is grown, he will reflect back and appreciate quality time with his parents more than any trip to a water park, skiing or anything else. My mom showed her affection by monetary means and my dad showed his by spending time playing soccer with us in the back yard in the evening and then board games and card games at night. I would have given up any trip skiing with my mom to be home playing "Trouble" with my dad because I was getting more attention from him. You know, children don't care what they are doing as long as they feel like you are interested in them and participating with them. I'm sure if you played tag with your son outside, he'd consider that equally as much fun (if not more) than the amusement park. Appreciate the opportunites your son's dad is able to provide, but realize that you'll need to fill in the gaps to give your son quality time and attention.

Keyetta,
The first thing I'd like to encourage you to do is not give up on your marriage. You two are dealing with a lot of issues and no one from the outside is will be able to provide you the answers you are seeking. However, there are those who can help you focus your energy and conversation (with your husband) in powerful and positive ways. You mention that you've been married for five months and that leaves the question: did the two of you have pre-marital counseling sessions? If so, are you able to revisit the materials from those sessions to get back on track? Or can you go back to whomever provided the initial counseling to deal with real life application of the skills you learned?

Marriage on its best day is hard work and even the happiest of married couples are in one of three stages of their relationship--they are going through something currently, just came through something, or are about to go through something. It's easy to feel like you're the only one feeling what you're feeling when you're in the middle of a trial but be encouraged in the fact that no trial lasts forever.

You mentioned prayer and you can never go wrong bringing prayer into your marriage and your home. Pray with your husband and lay all of your issues and concerns and God's feet. Let your husband hear the innermost thoughts of your heart and do the same for him. When you two establish the next time to talk (and not argue), establish some ground rules. You know best what works for your family but you may want to consider choosing a time when you have one another's undivided attention, agree that you will not yell or interrupt the other person, and that if necessary you'll mirror back what the other has said to be sure that you're on the same page. You may have to begin the conversation just hearing what the other has to say, discuss that, determine the take aways that you each have to work on from that conversation and come back another time to hear what the other person has to say in response. Often we find ourselves preparing our response (or defense) and pointing the finger at our spouse. Resolution will never come if we don't accept our part (and we all have a part to play). It sounds like you've taken the first step by accepting responsibility for your role in your marital issues. This is huge because the only person you can change is you. But the change in you may bring about the response you want in him.

Remember that the vows it only takes a few minutes to say to each other, take a lifetime to build upon. During the first 5 months, the two of your are still learning one another. Becoming one doesn't happen because you say "I do;" it takes patience, forgiveness, endurance and a whole lot of love. Remember those things that attracted you to your husband in the first place and let you know that he is the one; focus on those things. I heard a saying once that if we don't have what we want, it's time to start wanting what we have. Don't give up on your marriage; give it a fighting chance. If you two are interested in free marriage counseling, please email me directly and I'll be sure to put you in touch with the minister of my congregation. Keep praying and God will work it out. Best regards.

Hi Keyetta,

Your are indeed, under a lot of stress. Marriage is difficult. Even in the best circumstances. So many factors come into play. Your history, his history, money, expectations and emotional needs. Successful marriage, even in the best circumstances requires a lot of work.

So many of us today do not understand even what marriage is. It is not dating. It is a committment which in the past was considered a religious ceremony with very clear roles. Today the definition of marriage is evolving rapidly. That being said and done men's and women's needs have not changed that much. Men really do need to feel they are caring for and providing for their family. Women need to feel loved, safe and provided for by the man.

If you do not feel you are getting what you need, you feel insecure and react by attacking his manhood. In turn he withdraws because he feels like a failure.
Obviously, this is an over simplification and each relationship has unique issues. I recommend you pursue some professional counseling. Initially, you could go by yourself and when you have got your own self on more stable ground, you could initiate couples counseling.

In the meantime, I would try to just let things settle. Don't try to resolve major issues when things are this hot; as you've probably seen, it usually doesn't work and the cycle just repeats itself. Men enjoy the time out also. Constantly rehashing without a clear strategy to change is exhausting and frustrating.

Take this opportunity to spend some quality time with your son and stop feeling inadequate because you cannot give him the material things that his father can. It may sound cliche, but, it is true, the best things in life truly are free. Take time each day to count your blessings (seriously!) You could take your son to the park, bike riding, play ball, go on a nature hike, check out the library, they frequently have free passes to museums, zoo's etc. Read books, collect rocks and leaves. Do a craft. Find another mom with whom you can plan play dates.

There is a saying "if mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." If you can remember times in your own childhood when your mother was depressed or unhappy, remember how anxious this made you feel. Then try to remember the happiest moments of your childhood. Was it that new toy, or a trip to the amusement park, or was it when there was peace in your home and your mother made cookies with you or danced with you in the kitchen or sangs silly songs with you in the car?

Right now you are making your son's future memories. The way he experiences and remembers his childhood will have a direct impact on the way he raises his own children. You are in a very powerful position, as a mom, to impact the future in the way you choose to raise your son.

I do think your marriage is worth every effort, but work on yourself first. Best wishes and God bless.

J. L.

I had to respond to your email because the part about, praying and crying mirrors my own situation. All my son's father and I do is argue. It's my house, my car, my money...he's jobless, lazy, inconsiderate and selfish...and I am so sick and tired of him. Most of the times I hate him and wish he would disappear from the Earth. I kicked him out when my son was 1 month old, took care of the baby myself and finished school. I let him back because he lost his job and had nowhere to go. I thought maybe he had changed (would keep the house clean, help me with the baby, look for a job) NOPE...he's still the same lazy slob. I have my faults too, but not where this is concerned. I am a good mother, I work hard, I am tireless and I am doing the job of mommy and daddy. I will not give him the satisfaction of listing any of my faults...he's the bum
Thanks for letting me vent...as for you...best of luck, but all that arguing...it's affecting your son and you need to do something about it sooner rather than later.
Write me back...I feel like I have no one to talk to

Hang in there. I have been married 20 years and there have been really hard times, but we hung in there and I am so
happy we did. No marriage is perfect and everyone has bad times. Think about the reasons you got married in the first place - try to focus on good things about each other. Marriage counseling can help- we went through it a few years ago.
Can you get time alone to discuss some of the problems.
maybe even go away overnight?
Keep praying to - I will pray for you to. I beleive in the power of prayer! Work on it - the good times are worth it.

do not worry about what you can give to your child - it is the time you spend and the love you give that is important not what you can buy or where you can go with him.
Some of the best memories we have with our kids are at parks, sledding,picnics,game time at home..... I have two great teenagers with lots of good memories!

Good luck!
praying for you
P.