Confused - Tampa,FL

Hi S.,

There is quite a bit of research out there regarding shared custody and visitation, and my suggestion would be to do some *serious* research and educate yourself thoroughly about the affect it has on a baby your daughter�s age. Get online and go to the library to find good articles, books, and studies.

I know that with older children, the affects depend almost entirely on the quality of the relationship of the parents. Since you have a good relationship with the baby�s dad, then she should adjust well as she gets older. It�s also important to nurture that relationship between her and her father so that the dad won�t loose interest, and will continue to feel connected to his child by spending time with her.

The fact that your baby is so young, and making such a huge and drastic change in her daily life by going from Miami to New Mexico for an extended time period might be something to be concerned about. Talk to a professional, maybe a family counselor, about your options.

I would think that it might be psychologically traumatic for a toddler or preschooler to understand a long term (in their mind) move to another state, to live with another family, with a brand new routine, and to have different clothes, food, sleep schedule, tv shows, etc., without anything or anyone familiar near, and then once she�s adjusted to that, to turn around and send her back to a place and family she no longer considers �home�.

The early research on these types of arrangements 30 years ago said kids were adaptable and could adjust to almost any situation, but more recent research has shown that�s not quite correct. They�re not little adults.

The bottom line is your daughter's well being and her mental state. If she�s too young to understand and adapt to being uprooted and thrust into different living environments, then it may be better to have your ex and his new family come to visit your daughter in her own environment, at least for a few years until she�s older, and able to understand better. You might consider splitting the cost of travel between both families so their burden isn�t as large. Or, visit for shorter periods of time at her father�s *with* her, so that she doesn�t feel entirely abandoned. Or change it up. His family comes to Miami in the summer, and yours goes to NM over Christmas and Spring break. She seems too young to send alone.

I hope this is of some help. Good luck.

I think a month trip is way too long. A child that young doesn't need to be separated for a whole month from her mother, she is way too young to understanding that time frame and of course she is getting confused I would too at that age. You need to cut the visits down to a week and more frequent until she gets older and then a month would be fine. You might want to maybe take a vacation to New Mexico with your boyfriend and let your daughter spend a week with her dad and then you guys take her with you for a few days (on your vacation up there) and then she goes back to her dad for another week and flies home afterwards. I would definately talk to a specialist about this situation and even though the dad might want to spend a month with his daugher I am sure if he realizes how hard it is on her at this age and not in her best interest he will adjust to shorter visits. Good luck, your daughter is dealing with a lot and will definately need your love and support.

Sara,
Sweetie please hear this!!!!!!!!!
At bed time the baby is going to want whom they've always had, mommy.
I am certain there's not a "loving" mother who wasn't the one to cradle the baby to sleep. That's her assurance and you shattered that. She's way to young to be gone from you especially that long, my goodness. I don't know how you were to bear it? Her being gone so long to a foreign land? Figure out an alternate plan for him to see her and stay connected but this is not good for her.
Be careful sweetie

Has it also occured to you that asking to "go home" --might also be referring to the place you lived before you moved to your current location in Miami?

MOving in March and then visiting in Aug with dad in NM could have just been poor timing---that's a LOT of transitions for a little one and I could see why she might be confused.

It may help to make some homemade books about her current living situation--with pictures and lots of explanations of the who, what, where, when, why and how.

Helping children transition--makes a big difference in how they handle situations. Whether it's a move, putting away toys, or even leaving the park- some kids need more time to adjust.

IT WILL GET EASIER WITH TIME. SHE WILL GET USED TO IT AND UNDERSTAND SHE HAS TWO HOMES. ONE WITH MOM, ONE WITH DAD. SHE WILL ALSO LEARN SHE HAS TWO OPPORTUNITIES TO GET WHATEVER SHE WANTS AND WILL LIKE IT. GIVE HER TIME. WHEN SHE FIRST ARRIVES HOME, GIVE HER A LITTLE EXTRA ATTENTION AND MAYBE SLEEP WITH HER THE FIRST COUPLE OF NIGHTS. THAT IS AWSOME THAT YOU AND HER FATHER GET ALONG SO WELL. GOOD LUCK

Gosh, a month would be like forever to a child so young. Don't you remember when you were a child how days seemed like years. Especially for something so dramatic such as leaving mommy. I think it is great that she gets to see him, but why couldn't she go for a week at a time? That would be so much less confusing for her. I could not imagine how either of my boys would react being gone from me for that long (and they are 5 and 1). I remember when my husband and I went on a 4 day cruise, my oldest 4 at the time, stayed with my Mother. He LOVES my mother and is always exstatic to see her.But even though he was having a GREAT time, after a couple of days he started to get upset and would wish I was home. I don't care who you are- the best Dad, Grandmother- nobody compares to Mommy. So if you look at it from that point, maybe it would be easier to see where she is probably getting a little confused and maybe even a little saddened by the situation. Not that she doesn't love Daddy, but Daddy just isn't Mommy. Hope this helps!