Confused! - Park City,KY

So you are engaged to a man who is still legally married (since he isn't legally divorced)? Really? And you have two kids? Sorry, but all of you need help.

First, I see red flags all over this!!! Not to sound harsh, but you shouldn't have gotten involved with this guy until he was totally divorced. You can't be engaged to a married man!! AND, in my opinion, you shouldn't have gotten the children involved.

IF, he truly is separated, which I highly doubt, he needs to get divorced and get all his baggage taken care of before getting involved with someone else.

This guy is taking you for a fool. You need to dump him YESTERDAY!!!

Good luck!!!

S.:

You are asking him to choose between his girlfriend and his daughter. Sorry. Daughter will (or at least should) win.

Call the county clerk and find out if any paperwork has been filed for legal separation or divorce. It's public record, so you don't have to be listed in order to get access.

Talk to his "wife". Find out what SHE thinks is going on. While cell phones were really just starting to kick off when I divorced my ex-husband, I NEVER would have texted him "I love you". PERIOD.

In my book? He's NOT a great guy. You are headed for a life of conflict, in my opinion. A "great guy" wouldn't lie. A "great guy" wouldn't hide his phone (and a great W. wouldn't need to snoop!) A "great guy" wouldn't call his daughter a "LIAR".

Kick him out. Press on with life. Tell him when he is ready to be a man, he can come back and you can talk, but until then? Leave. NOW. I won't wait for you...but IF you come back. Divorce papers better be IN HAND.

Good luck!

How is he your fiance when he's still married?

You need to tell him to move out. He is using you and using her. They were not wrestling on the bed. They are sleeping together and his daughter saw them making out. (It's called foreplay...) This woman thinks that he is going to come back to her. He is trying to decide whether or not to do it. He is double-dipping here. Are you really THAT blind that you don't understand this? Shame on him for calling his daughter a liar. He is a real jerk and a bad father.

Things will never get better. Dump him and don't date a guy who is separated from his wife, much less let him move in. A separated guy is not fiance material.

Really, there's nothing confusing about this scenario, S.. It's clear as day. Stop being his doormat and end it now before he hurts you and your children more.

He's eating his cake and you too.

She's not his ex-wife, she's his wife. From the sound of it, they're reconciling.

It's time to stop playing house with a married man. You could be standing in the way of a family reuniting, of a marriage becoming whole again, and you don't have the right to do that. Do you have the right to feel how you feel? I guess, but you shouldn't be in a relationship with a married man anyway. You don't have any rights or any claims to him.

That's my long way of saying, "Gurl, u dsrv so much bettr! Brak up now! Find urself a reel man! Dump that lsr! Let his wyf be teh 1 to clean up teh mess!!!!!!1111!!

Great guys don't cheat on their wives, and great women don't date married men.
Move on.

You should not be with or living with this man nor should you be setting this kind of example for your kiddos...sorry, I know that sounds harsh and I promise you it was said with kindness, I'd say it to any of my closest friends, too. This man is not free, not available. And he does not love you, people don't treat people this way that they love, respect and value. Take your dignity back and end this relationship now. Otherwise, it's going to be hard to be very sympathetic when the pain gets even worse, and make no mistake, it will.

You are the booty call.
He is NOT your fiance. He is a husband to another woman.
Ick.
Dump him and move on.

You're not overreacting.
Choose a man who is free.
This guy is not divorced.
That's adultery til then.
Set a good example for your kids by showing them they're #1 in your life.

Please be smarter than you sound here. He's playing both you and her. You need to set higher standards for how you define a "good guy" for yourself, because he's not it. Save yourself and your children from further heartache and get rid of him.

He is married and spending the holidays with his family. You have no claim on him. You are the "other woman" not the wife.

Run away, don't walk. This has disaster written all over it. Have more respect for yourself and your kids.

Wow! Next!!

Why the heck would you put up with this?
Why would you move in with and get engaged to a man who isn't even divorced yet?
Why would you allow your relationship to continue after he texted her that he loves her?

Time to move on with your life. He's no good, even if he seems to be "a great guy."

RED FLAGS! This man is playing you and you're falling hook, line, sinker. You wouldn't be writing this post if you didn't know this behavior was wrong. I say run as fast as you can. If he's lying to you now, it will never stop when and IF he ever divorces. I agree with everything @OnePerfectOne says- find a free man, and set a good example for your own kids by not being in an untrustworthy relationship. Good luck!

Move out. Yesterday.

Are you raising your own two kids in a household with this guy?

Even if he were perfect, truthful, and fully divorced already, you do not seem to understand that his child is going to be in his life forever and so is his not-really-ex-wife, because she is his child's mother. That is a hurdle you have to get over and deal with IF you and he ever marry.

But that isn't going to happen until he is actually divorced -- AND is not hiding his phone from you.

Leave him. He's a lousy role model for your own kids. Rethink why you are putting up with being "engaged" to a man who is married and who doesn't show you any papers and hides his phone. You are fooling yourself if you think he's going to go through with a legal divorce while he can do as he pleases around you and you tolerate it.

You are the other woman. Accept that or leave.

He's not divorced.
You don't even know for sure that he's separated.
His first obligation is to his biological child. Not to you and your children.
If he's lying, why? Because he knows he's doing something wrong? Or because he knows you're reacting badly to the things he's doing? Or is his lying the reason they are separated in the first place?
While 10 year olds certainly know how to lie, I'm doubting she is since it fits the whole pattern.
Bottom line -- you should never have agreed to live with him while he's still married to his wife and still has an obligation to his child.
I don't think you're over reacting, but I do think you've made some tremendously bad decisions and judgment calls.
I hope you find peace and happiness, but you need to walk away from this guy, because peace and happiness will not be with him.

He doesn't sound like a great guy. I would end the relationship and let him find his own path. He is still married. Don't waste your emotions on an unavailable partner. You owe it to your kids and yourself to find someone who is fully committed to the relationship.

He obviously will still involved with his family. Maybe even trying to patch things up with his wife, which technically is the right thing for him to do. He may be a good man, but he is not you man. Move on.

Yikes! Sounds like he's lying to you and wife. And yeah, they might be "separated" but he's still married, honey.

I'd kick him to the curb and change the locks. He can go back to his wife, since it sounds like he wants to do that anyway.

I know I'm being blunt, and I'm sorry. Good luck.

OMG.... RUN RUN RUN! I am sorry but this sounds so corrupt! You have a fiance that you live with that is not legally DIVORCED from his first wife and yet he is playing house with you and your kids? OMG... THIS GUY IS A D BAG! Please get out of it while your ahead! He is up to no good. This guy is having his cake and eating it too! Find someone who is worth all this fuss you are making. Usually when your gut is telling you he is a liar... it is usally right. good luck!

Run away from this guy. He is trouble.
LBC

Please kick this guy out of your house, right now. I seriously doubt he's even legally separated. He's still having sex with his wife, he still tells her he loves her, he still spends his free time with her....what more do you need? You are definitely the other woman in this situation. Does his wife even know about you? Does she know youre 'engaged'? I think he's probably telling her that he's not serious about you and that he would leave you in a second if she would take him back. Unfortunately I've seen this exact situation happen to a friend, and the man DID leave my friend for his wife.

I hope you have been using protection when you had sex with this guy. This is definitely not the man you want to have a child with, AND he's having sex with at least one other woman so you are at serious risk of contracting an STD. If you're still having sex with him, STOP RIGHT NOW and make an appointment with your OB/GYN for testing.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh. I don't mean to be insulting or rude. i feel for you and I know its hard for you to see the reality of your situation because you love him. But i do want you to see how serious your situation is. It's not going to just get better. You have to make the decision to improve your circumstances, and the very first step is to break up with this jerk. You may feel like you love him, and it will probably hurt when you leave him. But trust me, when you meet and fall in love with a real man, you will wonder how you ever thought this guy was right for you. You and your children deserve much better than to be 'second string'.

Move out. Red flags.

Super- Shady. He needs to go- sorry.

You have tangled yourself a good web. No wonder you are confused. If you were smart, you'd get him out of your house. He still loves his wife and you are in an adulterous relationship. This can only hurt you and your kids. You are fooling yourself if you think you have a good future with this man.
Wise up, stay away from married men and since you clearly struggle with judging character, don't move in with them only to entangle yourself in over your head and send all the wrong messages to your children who have to watch the whole ugly scene first hand. Yuck for them.

Sounds like you may be trying to make him choose between his daughter and yourself regarding holidays. Don't go there, you will lose. And you should. She's his daughter.
Normally, I don't think kids should come before spouses, but that is in an intact family that the children are the offspring that flow out of that central relationship. In this case, she came first, and she is his responsibility before himself (and you).

That said, he is NOT divorced yet. And therefore, is not "eligible"... and how you can be engaged when he is not yet divorced is kind of beyond me. I know people do that, but I don't get why. If he is so ready to move on and be married to you, then why is he still married to her? Whatever relationship he has going on with the mother of his daughter... inappropriate in your eyes or not... if he isn't divorced from her, then you have no real basis for being mad (in my opinion). They are married still. When he is divorced.. then that is a different discussion.
I agree with OnePerfectOne. Find a man who is available--it doesn't appear this man is. In fact, legally, he isn't. He is married--and it's to someone else, not to you.

He's still married and spending holidays with her like you do when you're married to someone...if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

I disagree with many that are saying you're asking him to choose between his daughter and you. When you're no longer with someone, you no longer celebrate holidays together. When you're divorced with children, you alternate holidays and plan them at different times. The exes don't spend holidays together unless they're not exes.

You're on the losing end of this. End it and tell him to come back when or if he gets divorced.

You are not his fiancé...he is still married.

You are the other woman...and he is treating you as such.

You really want to someday marry this behavior??? Think about the example you are setting for you kids.

Show your kids that they deserve better. He is tied to this woman forever whether divorced in the future or not. You will have to deal with her forever. This will be a constant fight because he will be calling and texting and visiting her...they share a daughter. You share NO kids with him. You will constantly be checkign up on him and not trusting him.

Show yourself that you deserve better. I don't understand woman like you that are SO desperate to live in this kind of situation. Get out...get on your own...stand on your own two feet.

It makes me sick that he is turning against his own daughter..she is telling the truth..he is the one in two relationships and he is calling his daughter a liar. He is the one hiding his phone, sneaking around and lying...and he calls his daughter a liar. Wait til he turns on YOU!!! THis is not a man..this is an immature coward who won't take responsibility for his life and is enjoying two households with women fawning all over him.

Seriously S....move on..find a real man. They are still out there...you just have to look harder. But first start with one that is not still legally married.

Good luck and best wishes.....

Since you are calling him your fiance, I am assuming you guys are engaged, you are now living together, but he hasn't even officially divorced his first wife yet? Doesn't sound like he's been separated from her very long and he's already jumping into possible marriage to you, or at least trying to get you to think he wants to marry you to keep you around. Maybe he's having a hard time letting go, maybe he's trying to keep all his options open, I don't know. I know it took my now-husband a while to actually sign all the paperwork and make his divorce official, but he had been separated for almost 2 years already and his excuse was he was still covered by her health insurance. I let him know that if he wanted to move forward with me, he was going to have to just suck it up, get the paperwork done, and figure out his health insurance on his own. He did.

He will always be connected to his ex-wife because of his daughter, and sometimes parents have to come together on holidays and special events for the sake of the kids, even if they are no longer a family unit. However, it sounds like he really doesn't know what he wants, or he doesn't want to have to make a choice. So I would just make the choice for him, and decide that if he can't fully commit to a relationship with you, you need to move on. Let him know that his behavior makes it difficult for you to trust him, and if you can't trust him, you can't be in a relationship with him. Moved in together or not, I wouldn't put up with it.

And not trying to be judgy here, but I have a 5 year old and if her dad and I ended up divorced, I would not be interested in dating until she was out of high school. I would focus totally on being her mom and not make her life more confusing and difficult by having all these other men in and out of our lives, potential step-siblings, etc. I realize things happen that we don't expect, and it's normal to want to have a romantic partner in our lives, but at the same time I see too many women jumping into relationships with someone new and having it turn into a hot mess, instead of doing what is best for their children and just being their mom for a while. These same women also seem to make the same poor choices in men over and over, and maybe taking a break from dating, to focus on themselves and their kids, and figure out what they really ought to be looking for, will help them make better choices down the road.

Stop messing around with a married man. You cannot possibly be engaged to a married man unless you are a poly couple and since that is not the case expect better of yourself and stop it. This man doesn't sound like a good man at all. Nor do you sound as if you're being a good enough woman to be allowing a man to play both you and his ex. He is getting exactly what he wants whereas you are only seeing part of who he is. If you want a real man go and find one there's no sense in messing around with one who is already married and obviously NOT looking to fully commit.

Do better by yourself and your children.

Updated

Stop messing around with a married man. You cannot possibly be engaged to a married man unless you are a poly couple and since that is not the case expect better of yourself and stop it. This man doesn't sound like a good man at all. Nor do you sound as if you're being a good enough woman to be allowing a man to play both you and his ex. He is getting exactly what he wants whereas you are only seeing part of who he is. If you want a real man go and find one there's no sense in messing around with one who is already married and obviously NOT looking to fully commit.

Do better by yourself and your children.

It sounds like he has his cake and is eating it too. He has 2 women, you and the wife. As you said he's not divorced and it sound like he still has feelings for his wife. Having holiday dinners with his wife and daughter is probably a tradition for them. If he wanted to be with you he would find a way to have his daughter included instead he spends time with the wife.

You moved in with this man when he was still married. You said you haven't seen the paperwork showing that they are legally separated. You haven't seen it because there probably isn't any paperwork. He seems to be able to tell you what you want to hear in order to have his way.

You say he's a nice guy. Nice to whom, himself. He doesn't seem to be too nice to you if he hids his phone and spends time with his wife. You need to take stock of this situation. Tell him to get a divorce or get out. As I said he is having his cake and eating it too. It's time to take his cake away. Good luck!!

If he's this shifty BEFORE you're married it certainly won't get any better afterward.
Legally separated is not divorced.
I'm willing to bet 50 cents that he's not getting divorced and you're not getting married.
He's only lived with you 6 months.
Time to do some spring cleaning and kick him out.
You can do better than this guy.

Okay, now lets be honest, does this sound like a keeper? Does it sound like he has grown from his first marriage? Does it sound like he is ready to move onto a new marriage that will last forever?

I think you need to give him time to get divorced LEGALLY not just "in his mind and heart" and to live on his own for a year. If after that you want to get back together then go for it. In my opinion if you two were to marry now you will be divorced with in 3years.

you need to RUN LIKE HELL!

No you are not over reacting. Trust your gut. Yes, it is ok and necessary for him to still ongoing contact with his ex but it should all be above board and with you in the loop.

You're engaged to someone that is still technically married and is carrying on a very close relationship with his allegedly soon to be ex? Sounds like he has no intentions of leaving his wife and is leading a very nice double life. I am surprised that you've chose to be in a situation like this. It is very clearly based on lies and dysfunction. I think you know what you need to do...

You're being played. Your engagement is a sham and he is using you. Kick him to the curb.

Divorces are difficult
The ex is the mother of his daughter he will always love her
He Will be more involved with his biological family first
The ten year old could want her parents to stay together so she could be falsifying information.....but she also might not

Do you really need the stress of this? With three children of your own? Can't you focus on your children and as they get older find yourself someone? Their lives are paramount right now to anything or anyone else.
You are stressing yourself out and it does your own family a disservice.

Run. Don't walk. This is someone who is not emotionally over his last marriage, which means he is not ready for another one. Do not waste years of your life hoping he will learn to treat you better and/or get over his ex-wife (who may in all reality still be his legal wife!).

Ummm I do NOT know anyone that wrestles on the bed with their EX... I do know that children have been told that mommy & daddy were wrestling when they walk in on "YOU KNOW WHAT". He's shady and I would not invest anymore of your or your children's time and feelings on this guy. I'm willing to bet they will get back together. Sorry, I know this has to be hard. Hugs to you.

Smells like coffee in here....