Concerned with Husband's Behavior

Hmmm. I see hubby's point of view. She probably didn't use the best judgement telling these kids that their father was dead, but she quite possibly saved small children from unnecessary heartache the best way she could think of. As far as not having her kids around the family, I didn't let some of my own family around my kids until I thought they were old enough to understand all of the dynamics at play. I also do not let anyone take my kids anywhere and they are 10,7 and 4.

I seems to me your husband understands his brother has issues and just isn't judging her reaction to his issues. She didn't keep the kids away, your brother in law wasn't a father to them, had he been you would have seen the kids all along.

I guess I am saying it seems like your husband is placing fault where it should be, his brother.

I think your husband is trying to step up to the plate....& show his brother's children that it's okay to be a family. I applaud his actions. As a family, we should all help each other. :)

I also applaud the mother for seeing a need for her kids to know their father's family. Doesn't matter if she stayed away for 10 years....what matters is that she has had a change of heart & realizes that the family needs to be together. & you know, it takes great courage to move back/closer to an alcoholic - great courage!

I also totally understand her need to be present at family events...she's Mama Bear...& wants to protect her kids.

Now....for the rest of my opinion: your words are clearly broadcasting how you feel about this "girl", this "chic", this "ex-girlfriend (the baby mama)". You are derogatory to the max. You may not like her life choices, but it also appears that you are not giving her a chance to make her kids life better. In the process, you're bringing down your marriage.

I'm on your husband's side.....

"she will not let us take the children to any family functions w/o her being there also"
Um, if I hadn't been around my ex's family for 10 years I wouldn't either!
Either get to know her and welcome her into the family or continue to be suspicious and unwelcoming, it's your choice.
But frankly since your husband seems to be so friendly with her I think you should at least try too.

Follow your husbands lead - forgive and move on.

Or hold a grudge and see how that works out.

Perhaps she distrusted her alcoholic husband's family members as much as you distrust her. Your husband evidently wants these kids to be in your lives and is trying to ensure that she keeps bringing them around. If you care about the children, you'll let go of this and not stir the pot.

She will have to pay the piper for lying to the kids about their dad. Perhaps she will rue the day she told them, but it's not your affair. You might want her to be sorry for her lie, but the only ones it will hurt are the children, so don't go there. Eventually, they will find out, but don't let it be from you.

Yes, you are overreacting. Unless your husband has a history of messing with other women, you have no reason to thikg that he would now. These children are part of the family, and he wants them to be treated as such.

Dawn

Someone has to offer the olive branch to see what has been going on all these years - at least your husband is trying to do something. Just remember "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." You want to know what has been going on for the past 10yrs and you want to know how the family and kids have been getting on for the past 10yrs - get in there under the premise of being a friend and find out! Who knows you just might find NOTHING shady and a good person/friend underneath it all. You have to give her a SMALL amt of trust though and you should trust your husband to say something if anything inappropriate is/was going on.

Don't be too hard on him because you're not able to talk him out of helping her. I wouldn't take that as "acting weird". As his spouse, you will not always agree with his actions or choices. Under the circumstances, I think you should give him the benefit of doubt, and just feel grateful that YOU have a husband that is compassionate enough help this "damsel in distress". It has only been once, if it were often...then you would have a reason to complain ;) You clearly have a negative opinion of her, try to find the good and focus on that AND make yourself present if he helps her again. Don't create a monster out of this...c'mon girlfriend, pull it together :) Give your husband a hug...NOW!

Hard call.
Your husband is their uncle and it's probably hard for him to say "no" to their mom.
She might see that he has a soft spot for the kids and try to manipulate him while she can. Single women (of any age) need men to help them out from time to time. I'm an apt manager with lots of single, female tenants. They are always needing my husband to do things for them from opening jars to putting air in tires, etc. If I was a jealous person I'd go insane.
Sounds like your husband has a big heart and is trying to do the right thing. If you are feeling uneasy about it, just keep a close eye on the situation. I'm sure it's harmless. It's a rare thing for a man to mess around with his brothers women..... mostly seen on redneck TV shows like Springer. :)

You know, if your BIL wants to see his kids...he can. He needs to go through the proper procedures to do it.

It's your BIL's fault for not getting his ducks in a row. He's only a "victim" here if he chooses to be O..

As for the "baby mama" and your nieces/nephews...why not try to foster her relationship with the rest of the family by including her and her kids in family stuff? Does it HAVE to be him OR her?

Now, if the issue is that you don't trust you husband....that's another issue completely.

if you're so worried why not include yourself in her life? if he goes to help her move you offer to help too J. like you would for family. Get to know her. Maybe he feels bad for his brothers actions. I would! I wouldn't blame her for not staying around his family. She portected her children. Sure she shouldn't lie and say he's dead thats horrible but its her decision. I'd say include her. If you see signs that worry you, that has nothing to do with who she was in your husbands family and more to do with your husband

I'd be concerned if my husband was helping any single woman, except his mom.

He should not put her needs above your feelings.

I don't mind the comments but I would mind the helping out.

JMO.

Do you have a reason not to trust your husband? Maybe he feels sorry for her. There may also be reasons why the girl has kept the kids away, especially if the brother hasn't been around. Maybe there was something in their relationship that you don't know about that caused her to keep the kids away for so long. I'm not sure it is a being rude thing at all. People deal with things differently and this may have been her way. Have you tried talking directly to her?

I am not sure how she is your sis in law. Is she your brother's wife or husband's brother's wife? Anyhoo, a woman should go through the wife to speak to the man. She is way wrong. End this now.

Unless he has given your a reason not to trust him dont' worry about it. He may be trying to make up for his brother being out of their lives that is his family. She may be worried that their father might show up and she not have control over the situation. I would be the same way if there was any way that my oldest would meet his father. He's never been around and I have no contact with that family so I don't have to worry but if it was possible I for sure would.

Try not to stress too much and enjoy the new neices and or nephews!

If your gut is telling you something, don't just blow it off. However, you probably went to one single viewpoint when she came back around, and perhaps you would feel better if you started to widen the lens, this could add some clarity.

Maybe the last 10 years have been hard for her, and maybe she held your whole family responsible for your BIL and was punishing you all. But now she is hoping to have you in the kids lives.

As for hubby, sometimes people just look for balance. It always seems that if everyone is attacking one person, someone just has to add the balance back and stick up for them. Maybe it's as simple as that. Or maybe he is trying to be helpful since his brother was not, to sort of 'represent'.

See what happens if you start to go easier on her, maybe hubby will back off a little, too.

But if you don't like that he's around her, just tell him it makes you uncomfortable. No big exclamations or declarations, just "I'm glad we get to see the kids now and get to know them, but I don't like the idea of you being too close to her, it gives me the creeps". That should do it. So maybe back down a little bit, but keep your 'mommy gut' up.

Your hubby can see her point of view because the issue is with your family and maybe he in some way agrees with what she did. You may not see things the same way he and she do because it's your family and you're used to the way they operate, so to speak.

I think it's nice that your hubby is helping her out. She probably had others helping her over the past 10 years, but is now trying to be part of the family. If she had asked someone else, then you'd be complaining because here she is trying to be part of the family, but when she needs help, she doesn't call us. I don't think you'd be happy no matter what she does.

She may have kept the kids away for 10 years because she didn't trust your family not to push their daddy down their throats and try to talk him up or make excuses for him. I'm sure that's why she doesn't allow the kids to family functions unless she's there. She's trying to protect her children the best way she knows how and to be sure that the in-laws are not taking the kids around the alcoholic father.

Gain some trust in your husband. It will serve you well.

if it was my husband i would say over reacting but i know my husband, he isnt the cheating type. now my first daughters father was engaged to me and another woman at the same time. most of the time you know go with your gut and talk to both of them.