Communication in Marriage

two suggestions- you seem to commincate well in writing so write him a letter. - read a marriage book together (Love and Respect by Eggerichs, 5 love languages by Smalley)

Enough books have been written on the subject of the differences between men and women to fill a football stadium-that said-tell him specifically what you need him to do-make it tangible and obtainable. I think there are two kinds of men-those who are educated ,want to improve themselves everyday and read history-and those who don't. Good luck.

you need to detach your needs and desire for spiritual growth from his. it's fine for you to follow your path, but demanding (however gently, and even from the purest motives) that he also do all this interior work if he's not personally motivated to do so, will never never work.
part of your evolving path needs to be to accept that he is right where he needs to be, right now. your ONLY job is to keep working on yourself.
khairete
S.

You are going through personal growth and change. You have to be VERY conscious not to push that off onto someone else. What is obvious to one is not to another. Have you talked to him and really listened to his answer as to why he is content where he is now. At its purest contentment is a wonderful thing. Has he experienced personal recognition at a former time? Has he already "found" himself and is happy with who he is and where he is at? Working on your relationship is important, but it is separate from working through personal (in your words) demons. Perhaps he can learn to support you in a way that makes you feel that support. He doesn't necessarily have to go on a personal growth journey with you.

Often when we are self evaluating we start to see in others what we are looking at in ourselves. I highly doubt he thinks he is settling. He probably thinks he hit the jackpot with you and your child and he is holding on to that. Growth as a couple can be separate from growth as an individual. I encourage you to continue on your path of self-discovery but be cautious not to push that on your husband.

I do think that since you are bothered by this and you are open to therapy/mediation it could be a good thing. Perhaps help both of you to see where the other is and where you together want to go.

A wise person once told me: You can't compare your insides to someone else's outsides.
Communication requires practice. Talk - a lot! Talk about everything. Ask questions. You'll never know how he feels unless you ask. What you think should be innate or simple or clear, may not be at all clear to him...
My husband and I disagree about things BUT never in front of the children. We always present a united front. We might discuss it later and figure out that the other's perspective makes more sense.
Not every discussion you have needs to be about personal exploration, therapy, or issues. You need to talk about the mundane. You need to laugh. You need to be a couple. Take the time to be together. Find a way to enjoy each other's company and the rest will take care of itself.
LBC

You can not change someone that does not want to change. The more you try to change him the more you will push him away from you and cause a strain on your marriage. Believe me I know this first hand. I love my husband so very much and we have been married for 5 years now. We have had our trying times and we had a lot of problems and the number one problem was communication. He was not hearing what I was trying to say and I was not hearing what he was trying to say because we were both stubborn and felt attacked each time the other tried to express their feelings so it ended up in an argument or silent treatment which we all know does not get us anywhere. Then we moved here to Arizona from Texas and both agreed to start our marriage over and have a new beginning. We agreed to try to show our affections and appreciate more for one another. Watch the way we speak to one another and try not to use any defensive words or attacking words. It was hard work and sometimes he did not always follow through but when he did not I had to pick up the slack so I could keep us from throwing the rules out the window and return to our old marriage which neither of us enjoyed.

Here is my thing. Try expressing your love to him and support. A man that is always put down will have no motivation to change because your always nagging him. Which I am guilty of too....If you want to change lead him through example. The more he sees you change for the better then it will rub off on him. It may not be a day...week...month...or months but you have to keep going for yourself and he will come around. Try letting him know you love him care about and appreciate himl. This helps a mans confidence and will work wonders...Good luck and let me know if you want to talk more because I can go on and on about this and yes now I have the best relationship ever its like I married a new man and now my honey is perfect in my eyes...except I wish he would pick up his clothes off the floor and not leaving me a trail of clothes throughout the house lol! :) hey if that is my worst complaint then I am doing good....

If you want to improve communication with your husband, tell him what you said here:
"I want to be able to express myself to him and better get my needs met and meet his needs. I feel trapped by our lack of ability to communicate, because it affects the foundation of our relationship. I want to work together, not against each other. I want us to advocate for and support each other through personal exploration."

I think what you said is honest, to the point, and shows that your motivation is your married relationship, not your personal self. I think the last 2 sentences are the most important...work together not against each other, and support one another.

I think wanting to improve yourself is wonderful. But remember your husband may not feel the same way. He may be happy with himself as is. If he chooses to not change can you live with that? Remember you cannot force anyone to change, it has to be a personal decision.

And I have learned that living by example is much better than telling someone something. I would try one more time to talk to him but if he doesn't see any point in making an effort to change, then let it go. Work on improving yourself and let him see that you are a better person, happier, and full of love. Telling him to change, telling anyone to change, doesn't work, often makes them resist even more. But showing someone how you've changed for the better can be the best motivation and inspiration of all.

P.S. I wouldn't make him go to counseling. You said he doesn't want to go, which means he is not likely to gain anything from counseling except resentment at being forced to go.

Look for a girl friend to discuss your personal growth with. Then find another hobby to share with your husband. I know a mom whose husband likes sports, so she got herself a subscription to Sports Illustrated and reads it every month so they have something to talk about. It has brought them closer together. My husband, children and I all take martial arts together.

Um... you are pushing your own agenda. I doesn't sound so much like you have a communication problem as it's you're talking and you're irritated that he doesn't agree with you. Try leading by example and he might see that you're happier and follow. Otherwise, that "epiphany" that you've had can't be pushed on him. It's called growth and not stretching or pulling for a reason. Be glad that he's willing to go see a counselor with you and at least try to talk about your things. Frankly, if my husband was trying to get me to see some light that I didn't and he went on about it and how I needed to change to meet his new standards constantly, after a while I'd get irritated and tune him out. Sorry and good luck.

I am sorry that you are going thru this on one hand. On the other I am glad I am not alone. This is really scary and I am working on the same thing. I just want you to know you are not alone. I have no advise because of my mental state. However keep your chin up and stay positive and know you are not alone.

Sorry for some rude responses you've gotten.
You obviously value your husband and your marriage--and that is a GOOD thing! (Let's not lose sight of that fact, OK?)
Yes--people 'should" grow over time--emotionally, spiritually, etc. over time.
The thing is though--that people grow at their own rate and right now, you are growing faster. That doesn't mean he's a "bad" person, right?
Doesn't a marriage based on love and trust allow for different rates of growth and time-frames for that growth? I think so.
It has been said that women get married thinking the man will change (and they rarely do) and men get married thinking a woman will NEVER change (and they almost always do). Meet in the middle.

Red Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue book together.

And don't project your meaning on him or over think things too much. It's always good for people to grow, but it has to come from within. Perhaps you can light that spark through example. Set clear and solid goals to create a starting point.

Ok, well........

You can't change someone if they don't want to change.
So no matter how much you love him, you can't change him.

He will only change if he wants to do so.

If you keep trying to change him, you might be pushing him away.

Work on yourself. Make yourself the best you can be and he will notice this and maybe this will give him the thought of change and help him get on the right track.

I wish you and your husband great success with this.

Take care.

Always start off by complimenting what he does right. What you like about him and what his strengths are.

Then talk about what YOU would like to do to improve about yourself and what is difficult for YOU. Then ask him to help you. Be specific. What exactly do you need him to do to help YOU?

THEN, ask him what he would like to IMPROVE about himself.
See IF he wants your help. Ask him how he thinks he can reach this goal and then make a plan.

Men are "fixers" they like to fix what is not working, but not about themselves. Men generally do not look inward, so it is already not a natural thing for them to see many faults about themselves or want to "waste their energy" on these things.

You will need to build him up and then just let him focus on one thing at a time for himself.

Good luck.. saying I love you, I am proud of you.. goes a long way.

I don't know your husband, but I know mine. If I were trying to encourage the kind of self "work" you are proposing, he wouldn't know what I was talking about, let alone embrace the concept. I wonder if it would be better accepted if it were presented as goal setting instead. Goal setting seems much more manly and wouldn't be as abstract as "self-improvement." The goals can be more concrete, like committing to date nights each month, family nights, or volunteering in the community. Maybe he'd like himself better if he were in shape or eating healthier. I'm thinking that self esteem is the first step to a healthier relationship. His path may differ from yours, but the end result, a better marriage, is the goal so it shouldn't matter. I'm guessing he needs to address his demons, but sometimes people need to come at it in a less direct route. My sister-in-law is this way. She had a horrible childhood that she can't address directly, but in focusing on personal accomplishments, she can see the value in healthy living and healthy relationships. I wish you and your husband a future of happiness!

Tell him how what how is doing in the moment makes you feel. Communicating feelings does so much of what everyone needs. By the way, I have been married for 14 years. It is always going to take some work on each side & most of all to remain dedicated to your partner.

Ephie - did you recently find religion? You sound like someone who's been fed a lot of stuff and is regurgitating it... just like those new found religious ppl.

If that IS the case, you should not feel that your husband must follow in your religion's footsteps in order to have a true and loving relationship or growth. Religion is not ans should not be for everyone. Forcing religion on another goes against almost every single organized religion anyways.

Counseling - non religion affiliated - sounds like your best bet.

Pray for the change in him. Really, works 100% of the time for me, if I pray and only pray, don't try to talk to him about it as that just means it take that much longer, just pray it. If you talk it, your husband is just going to take it the wrong way because he is the spiritual head and the body is trying to tell the head what to do... If you had a human body that did that, we would call it a dysfunction of some sort. You M. need to apologize to him about how you accidentally took spiritual headship and how it is a burden to you because you were not made to carry it, he was and you are working on giving it back.

Also men feel connected to someone by DOING, while women feel connected by TALKING... so find an activity that you know he would like and say, "hey hunny, I would be interested in learning about ______. can we take a class in it, or something?" Talking happens naturally with them when they are doing.